I have no idea how it got to be 7:30 am without a wink of sleep, but it's here and I'm wide awake. I can recount all I've done. I've been rather productive, it's just that it doesn't seem as though it should be so late.
My closest friends and biggest support system are out of town at a convention called "Don't Give Up." I so want to be there!!! I can't travel the three hours let alone sit for several hours for three days. I love that they're getting encouragement. They'll bring that back to me, but it hurts and feels as if I have been left behind. It doesn't help that my therapist is also on vacation. I have to remember that I have friends in other congregations around the city and that I'm not alone.
I can't believe I'm in the book of Revelation and will be finished with the entire Bible soon. I'm on Revelation 4 right now. Honestly, when I was a kid and read it I wasn't sure what to think. I know certain scriptures in the book but I can't say I know what to expect because of how much time has passed since I read it. ...continue reading "While They’re Away. Sketches and Bible Reading Progress."
These are recent entries in my personal sketchbook. They're mindscapes - an artists version of a CAT scan.
I've done my best to toss out the notion that I must create something beautiful. I have to stop feeling as if I must please viewers with a masterpiece or outdo myself. I have to stop thinking and let myself paint. It's been a challenge but I'm getting better.
Mindscape – 40 years in the wilderness
Mindscape – Divide and Conquer
Mindscape – The compass 1
Mindscape – The compass 2
watercolor sunflower page
watercolor sunflower page
These are photographs. When I take them out of the sketchbook I'll scan them then put them on the working wall (the wall that holds all current projects) so I can grab and do more whenever I am able.
She's a young one with sad eyes called "With all her imperfections."
Can you love her with all her imperfections? Can you forgive her moody ways, her tendency to frown instead of smile? Can you love her shyness, her uneven horizons?
She spits out poetry like she's on a stage show before college kids smoking herbal cigarettes and talking about diversity. She'll never fit in with them because she thinks they're shallow, but she can't bring herself to stop the verse.
Her eyes have been wide shut to ambition, calling it the true path to unhappiness. Her eyes have been wide shut to the clamor of panels on the news telling her how she should feel about the newest outrage, describing it as "woke". She can't stand it. She feels too much, says too much, writes too much and excels at imperfection, but she needs you to love her. With all her imperfections, can you still love her?
Her face is the canvas of her few years of life. There's still room on her cheeks for roses, still time for the love of life to kiss her lips pink. The brow line still rises and behind sad eyes there is living hope.
Can you still love her? With all her imperfections, can you still love her?
Heartbeat is in my sketchbook. She's 7 x 10 in ink and pencil. I'm going to have her enlarged before further work. Her heartbeat comes from her temples and stretches out to form the surface of the earth. Trees and flowers grow from her heartbeat.
She Realizes Her Totality
This is a half sheet pencil drawing with the same lines at the temples only the heartbeat lines go down and the face is divided. This piece is in my private sketchbook. I want a little bit of color on her but I don't want to do her in full color. I want it to be watercolor and to get it right I'm going to have to practice which means getting her printed so I can practice on something other than the original drawing.
I was awake until 9 am then got up and got ready for therapy. It reminded me of my college years where I had severe insomnia but I could get up, shower, get dressed, eat and be out of the house in a very short period of time.
It was an odd day. The weather is beautiful. On the way I talked to my cab driver who has been taking me for about a year now. I really like her. Today on our way to therapy we got rear ended. I was wearing my seat belt but I didn't have on my back brace. It was quite a jarring we got. My pain level sky rocketed making me sway, swoon almost in this rocking, sea sick kind of way. I was trying to gather myself so I didn't throw up. I needed to get my pain down very quickly so for the first time in about a month I took half a pain pill. It helped for a bit. I started doing small pelvic movements to get fluids in that area to ease the pain. The movement is so small, in the car it wasn't obvious to the driver.
I got to therapy and began reading the journal entries to Dr. D about suicidal ideation. Again my pain skyrocketed. For the first time in his career and the first time in therapy I got on the floor and did a few yoga stretches to relieve my back. it helped a good bit. I kept my shoes off.
Subject: PTSD from chronic illness, suicide comments, shame, on the upturn, not feeling positive
I wonder if it's possible for a patient to have PTSD after going through several physical pain experiences? This chronic illness torture makes me want to slice myself from navel to nose and and climb right out of your skin because my mind just can't take another second of the current pain.
I fear it. I fear the next flare up. I want to say that while on the up turn from this flare that I'll take advantage of each day I have where my pain is baseline, but I don't feel all gung-ho, lets get back to life, jump in the deep end. I'm not going to jump up and down and proclaim, "I'm happy to be alive!" Excuse me if I don't celebrate surviving that. I could use some nachos but I'll skip the party. I do feel refreshed after such good sleep since Tuesday evening. I feel a lot better but.......... sigh...........I'm shell shocked......and I'm angry.