Anxiety is very high as are my pain levels. I've got an open sore on my leg that hasn't healed in three weeks times so I have to get more treatment for it. That doesn't worry me though maybe it should. It's just that I've not been given any kind of off colored diagnosis so I'm like, it is what it is. I have Lupus, I don't heal well. It takes weeks to heal a simple wound. It would be nice if it didn't hurt so much but like I said, at this point it's just taking its own sweet time healing and hasn't morphed into something else. ...continue reading "Cuppa. Sleep. Work. I’m Better."
If ever I needed to hear a mother's wise voice it's now. For many women, we don't have the option of calling mom to ask midlife questions. We end up spinning out here, losing our minds, not understanding that there's a logical explanation for what's going on.
I have laughed at older women and thought they were making too much of hot flashes and such but here I sit at the beginning of what can only be described at hell and I am not laughing. Who knew that perimenopause and menopause would make me feel crazy? ...continue reading "A Mother’s Knowledge – The Menopause Talk"
One of my recent goals was to finish projects I started.
I know where I was going with each piece when I stopped working on them so I just picked up where I left off.
More completed work is to come.
I changed my tea painting and added a short
quote. I couldn't help myself. I like it better this way. I think it would look great in an all white frame but there wasn't one on the framing program used.
"Where there's tea there's hope" is a small painting of 4 inches by 6 inches. It's created in watercolor and ink and is on 98lb paper. The details on the flower and cup are easier to see in person.
I've also been playing with acrylic and rubbing alcohol. I cleaned my brushes of acrylic paint on a 4 x 7 piece of cardstock then went back and treated the paper with the 91 percent alcohol. I sprayed some it as well as dropped some. I swirled the paper and let it drip until I saw a pattern I liked.
I can save this textured abstract piece for later as pull art or for a collage. I could add a small cut out from my huge stash. Who knows what the cut out would be. I've got everything from figures to flowers to trees and animals, all from art that didn't work out but that had parts worth saving. I use my x-acto knife and save what can be saved for projects just like this. The other thing is, I can leave it just the way it is and frame it as a temporary piece of art just to look at for a little while. I tend to do that. I switch up art on a wall in the living room making the wall an ever changing, energized display of color and texture.
Here are a few pieces in currently hanging in my living room on the art wall.
She had a wide range of peculiarities but one constant; her mouth was always wide open.
The woman with the split earlobe laughed loudly, sang loudly, slapped you on the back while laughing and did everything over the top. It wasn't mental illness, it was plain madness. ...continue reading "Wide"
We talked about feeling depressed in a different way than what I'm used to feeling. There's an underlying feeling of not caring about anything and just wanting someone to take out of my stomach whatever it is that's eating me alive. I'm so tired right now I can't see straight. Sleep didn't come easily.
He said it'll be important to talk to the medical doctor and to tell her that I wonder if there's a hormonal connection. Does that play into things?
He said I'm intense right now. It felt like when talking to him that my thoughts were all over the place. I was tired, holding my gigantic bear, facing the wall.
I told him that feeling suicidal isn't new for me. What's new is not caring. I always find a way out, always. I don't always fight because sometimes fighting the situation makes it worse, but I'm not one to throw in the towel anymore.
I usually feel so much that its overwhelming but now all I feel is black, a feeling of despair and that I don't care. Is that anger? Is that apathy or depression? I don't know. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Feeling Black Hoping for Light"
According to my sketchbook, I've had unrelenting anxiety for a little over a month. It's really getting to me. These two art pieces were worked on to help ease things.
The piece cluster shows a checkered flag, a flag used to signify winning the race. I don't feel like I'm winning this battle at all.
Visitation is currently in black and white. It's a mindscape piece such as those in the series called Forty Years in the Wilderness. A mindscape is a snapshot of the inside of my head. Sometimes the images are livable, manageable, other times ... not so much.
Tomorrow at 1:30 I go in to see Dr. D. I nearly canceled it because I'm having a hard time sitting. My sciatic nerve is acting up. I've done a lot of stretching to get it to ease up. I've taken the new medications, especially the muscle relaxer, but its not budging. I think we're going on three weeks now with this nerve constantly throbbing. It adds to the anxiety. It's like a dull ache, the kind that drives you crazy. It may not be the most painful thing in the world but it, like my anxiety, is unrelenting and that's what makes it so hard to deal with, it just doesn't stop.
I'm going to take Clyde out one more time then go to sleep. I'm so happy he's here. I love that he wants to be close by me. I need that. His ears are so soft. He's adorable.
I miss Mary Jane and hate that she died.
We talked about how there's no reason on earth I shouldn't trust that I get to keep Sir Clyde for a very long time. We discussed anxiety and grief concerning Mary Jane and some guilt that I have another pet so early after her passing. It feels like I tried to replace her but as I've said (I just have to always remember it) Mary Jane helped me be able to give even more love to the next four-legged friend in this house. Clyde is here now and I look forward to spending a very long time with him.
A few pieces of anxiety artwork.
We talked about how I became so frustrated with someone who kept giving me way too much information when all I needed was a simple answer. My head was swimming in information that just confused me. Processing words seems complicated at times. The words stop 5 inches from my face and mean nothing to me. I get frustrated and shut down. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Trust. Guilt. Anxiety Art. Community"
I struggle with the idea of covering up the best words ever written with my art but I love the ideas I see on Pinterest.
I think adding art representing a specific scripture is a good way to mediate on that scripture. For instance, when the Bible talks about showing hospitality, I can think of examples in the Bible where different forms of hospitality were displayed. Then I can then think of ways in my life where I can reach out to others. I don't have to serve food or entertain, I can show hospitality by being courteous to others, generous with my time and receptive of new people that come into my life. All these things can be meditated on, processed in my head, while painting out the scripture.
And yet I still struggle with the idea of painting over these words. lol ah, it feels weird, not blasphemous but just weird. I think I'll end up printing off pages at Kinkos if they'll allow it. At least I'll be able to print it on thicker paper. I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do but I'd really like to try this as a 2018 creative goal. ...continue reading "Bible Art Journal. Creative Goals."
I never did write exactly what Dr. D and I discussed in session because the only thing I wanted to do was run from it. While talking to him I needed a lot of self soothing. I felt so frazzled and like once tiny increase in emotion, one adjustment in anything at all and I'd fall apart. I rocked a lot. I was quiet a lot. I had my head in my hands a lot. It was intense just being alive so I wasn't as open as usual.
After therapy I went to the store with Snow but before I got out of the car I told her I wanted her to stay with me because I wasn't doing well. I then took a Klonopin so I could pick up the three items on my list and get the heck out of there. She commented that I seemed very calm. She was surprised to hear I felt like I was seconds from screaming and hiding my head. I was. I know I don't show even half of what I'm really feeling. I don't generally make a conscious effort to mask body language, but I still do it. I've done it since I was very little. I used to be proud of not showing much, not now.