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There were only two of us but we had a nice time. We didn't do anything formal, just tea and cake. One can make tea and cake sound stuffy if important facts are left out. I had the tea already and she brought Little Debbie's. It was a nice visit though with some catching up as well as learning about one another.

I'm just now getting to know her. Interestingly enough, her mother was my foster mother making her a foster sister when I was a child. Small world isn't it?

It's sometimes difficult to be in the same room with someone who knows way too much about me, especially since I didn't get to pick and choose what she knows.  My sister decided this exposure for me which I find unacceptable and disempowering. I don't know what preconceived ideas she has about me, I only know she seems to like me...and yet I don't trust it. Why? In general I don't trust women. That is first and foremost but there's also the concern of being judged. ...continue reading "Tea, Chat and Trust"

Slaw

Art Title: Slaw
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Size: 8.5 x 5.5 inches
Media: Watercolor, ink
Finish: signed, dated, heat sealed, unmounted
Style: Outsider Art, Surreal

I think my friend Angie got me started on watercolor pens. I'm happy she did. I all but ruined my first set but have since acquired a new set which I totally love. My next art supply purchase will be a second small pallet I can take with me to therapy. As it turns out, the watercolors have taken on a large role in art during therapy sessions.

Original surreal art showing an array of faces, colors, lines and expressive movement.

Art Title: Cacophony: Head Noise
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Size: 8.5 x 5.5
Media: Mixed, acrylic, marker on 98 lb sketchbook paper
Finish: signed, dated, heat sealed, unmounted, raw
Style: Surreal, Illustration

Faith

I finished her! Yay!
She looks a lot different from the last post. What a difference a few hours can make.
The Little More Girl - available

The Little More Girl has more hope and more ways to grow than she ever realized.

I think part of my happy clap is the frog green dress she's wearing. I also do a happy clap for pink and purple. Add all three and I'm thrilled to bits. ...continue reading "The Little More Girl"

I tend to work on many pieces at one time, including this little one here.  She was created by scribbling loops on the page, erasing in areas then connecting lines to picture this little girl. The other drawing in this entry was created by the same process of  loops, lines and pearls.

The Little More Girl

Sketchbook art in watercolor.

She grew up with more than Lupus. She grew up with the ability to imagine and do more than anyone thought she could.

Scribble art: loops, lines and pearlsIf I became too annoyed with myself concerning my lack of focus and the many half started paintings, I'd be too discouraged to finish anything. I'm going with the flow. I put a few more lines to one drawing then work with another. I add paint to one piece then add the last thing, my signature.

I sometimes assembly line work with one color. I lay out 4 or 5 paintings and add the color to each. I let them dry then do the same thing to the next batch.

My way of working can be frustrates me. I think I'm not getting anywhere, that is until I put the finishing touches on 5 art pieces in one day. That's when I realize my focus is off a bit and I feel scattered, but I'm still finishing artwork. Recently, finishing art has taken longer but I'm willing to accept that too, especially since I am finishing art. I have four sketch journals I could think of as failed finishes or a head start to the finish line. I choose the latter.

Faith

9/22/17-9:13 pm EST

Where There's Tea There's Hope Copyright SundripAs you read through these DIY tips to relieve ailments and conditions with basic back tea, you will see a common thread.

**The following are ideas found on the internet. They are not medical recommendations**

Research suggests black tea bags should be wet and used warm for 10 to 15 min , 4 to 5 times daily.

Gums
I knew black tea helps improve gum health. It acts to reduce inflammation and to slow, if not stop bleeding gums. In the case of inflamed gums, use black tea as a mouth wash. ...continue reading "Home Remedies with Black Tea. Heal DIY"

7

As I understand it, there has been an increase in reports of emotional triggers caused by the active abuser known as the 45th President of the United States. His inauguration has increased the stress level of people with depression as well as survivors of abuse. Why? Because his narcissism, public shaming, paranoia and threats, mirror the abuses we suffered.

Donald Trump is controlling, angry, arrogant and verbally abusive. He abuses his power with impunity. Rules don't apply to him.  Like our abusers, he pits one side against another for his selfish gain. He lies and creates situations that keep everyone running in circles then he blames the chaos on us. He says one thing in public but another in private. It is plain for many to see how destructive of a force he is, but just like with many abusers, nothing is being done to remove the threat. As a matter of fact, just like with our abusers, there are those who swear he's a good person and only has the greater good in mind. How could we possibly accuse him of anything other than being a good, hard working family man? Yes, President Donald Trump brings further harm to citizens trying to heal from an abuser like him. ...continue reading "The Mental Health Toll of President Donald Trump"

3

Content: Physical abuse and torture.

It took a bit for Robert to come out and talk to Dr. D. Robert and a little one kept switching places while trying to give away some of the details of what we went through.
Robert: I did all the hard stuff.
Dr. D: What do you mean?
Robert: If it hurt too much for the others then I had to do it.
Dr. D: Do you want to tell me more?
Robert: I want to tell you what she did to us.

I want to tell you what she did to us. That sentence had powerful meaning but I can't seem to explain myself. I've tried for a bit to explain why that sentence is important but I've deleted and started more times than I can count. It was almost like he needed to free himself of it.

I could see myself sitting there. I was squirming, wincing, wringing my hands. I painted as I spoke to him. Painting in session helps me focus better and gives someplace for extra anxiety to go.

In session painting using watercolor.

in session

Robert recounted one of the times the mother beat our lips with a wide tooth comb. She put me across her lap, held on to the handle of the comb and beat my lips.

Side 1 is below. Side 2 isn't complete.

in session

I had to make sure not to open my mouth because she'd hit my teeth and gums or somewhere else on my face. I lay there, in her lap. I wouldn't dare move. I was afraid of her. When she was done I'd get up and go to my room. I don't remember what I'd do after that.

I don't remember why the mother did that to me. She didn't do it often. I don't remember her doing that past the 4th grade.

We talked about a picture I drew that symbolized my mother but I'll have to write about that later. I'm going to sleep now.

I took Earl Grey with lavender to therapy. One time there was a soft scent of lavender that passed in front of my face and sort of got me grounded again. I liked that.

My head hasn't been right for the last few days. I want to suck my thumb. I want to get in the fetal position and cover my head. I want to glide a razor across my skin but I haven't. I've chosen to create instead.

I was able to get the new Abilify script filled and will start it tomorrow morning.

Robert

3

I'm still on the hunt for a psychiatrist for better med management. I'm using a few different resources to manage the depression and anxiety now, one resource being art.

I doodle because it makes me happy. I doodle because I'm anxious. I doodle because I'm bored. I'm a doodle bug.

These were done while in bed. Some are in my art journal while others are in altered art books.

It's been difficult to move around so I've stayed close to my the bed. The watercolor pens pen is so helpful. I can move beyond colored pencils and crayons. I still use those but I like having watercolors, too. ...continue reading "Doodle. Art and Anxiety. Creative Endeavors."

Content: Self image. Sexual abuse w/ frank speech at times. Discussion of the mother forcing a gender role for the purpose of abuse, hatred of men, degrading women, the mother's sexuality. It's a heavy entry, one difficult to write.

Page 2 of Miss Eyes I Want to Be UsefulWe  started off going over art pieces in my sketchbook. We talked about which color I've used most and changes in how I depict figures. One art piece not posted was drawn to signify how pervasive sexual abuse was in most aspects of my young life.

Dr. D asked why I add heavy markings below the eyes. I said its all about color significance and my own symbolism. (see art therapy gallery) When I put blue under the eyes I'm trying to say that no matter what I'm going through or how negative I feel about myself, I understand on a different level that these thoughts are based on lies.  I'm able to better see that my self image isn't based on reality but abuses as a youth and young adult. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Identity. Gender. The Mother’s Sexuality"

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