It's strange that 10 min ago I was passed out on the floor with a 7up spilling over. What might seem strange is that I'm blogging right after but I am bc I'm afraid to be alone. It feels better talking to the blog than laying here waiting for the cna to get here. I'll have to talk to the nurse about the fall. I didn't trip, I just sort of collapsed. I got stuff on the floor but that's OK bc we have a rug cleaner.
We have LifeAlert. It's better to call then than a regular ambulance bc LA has my history. The others walk in cold.
There's Jasmine in the defuser. It smells wonderful.
Oh boy It's pretty bad. Man. All I want to do is roll over and cry. I don't know what to do to make it stop.
One reason for anxiety is the length of time the CNA will be here. She'll be here 5 days a week. At first it was 9-5 but now it's 10-3 each day.
I'm having trouble w the newest CNA being a middle aged black woman. This is a brand new company for me and I hate to tell them that I have to switch CNA's bc she reminds me too much of my abuser but that will have to be done bc the one they sent me can't put her hands on me at all. She walked in the door and my brain twisted.
The CNA is quiet and mild mannered. She has a very soft voice. She's from Zambia.
We talked about her heritage and mine which was cool.
I wish I wasn't so broken that skin color matters. It matters if a black woman comes here bc I still see all of them as my abusive mother.
My mother and I are very soft spoken. My words are heavy but my voice is not loud at all. Never has been. Mom didn't scream a lot, didn't curse, was well put together. The CNA is not well put together. Even if she was, she's not my mother, but try telling my head that when she helps me in the shower..... Nah, she can't work here!
I don't get the final say in this stuff but I hope beyond everything that Robert pulls the plug on this one. For our sanity, don't let her come back!
I've been tickled all day that a new leaf on my single leaf Pathos is growing. 🙂 This plant is special because its the only Pathos that made it from the old apartment. The other plants are gone except a friend saved a tiny, itty bitty little plant. Having it feels like a little piece of the old life was saved, ya know?
Dr. D and I discussed the recent firing of my new CNA. I fired her for several reasons and fired the company, too.
My insurance covers a CNA that can take me to the store and to doctor appointments. It turns out this CNA was driving me around w/o a drivers license or insurance. I called the company and they shocked the crap out of me when they said they hire people to drive even when they have only a hardship license. This girl had that when she was hired but let it drop because she couldn't pay for it. Still she took me to the store! When I called the company with my concerns the CNA decided to call me and curse me out!!! Obviously she can't return to my home after that. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Lowered Expectations and Less Stress"
I felt ugly talking to Dr. D today. We talked about binge eating and how my diet isn't the best. I have a terrible sweet tooth but I also eat to sooth myself. I hope it counts for something that I didn't binge the other day. I'm not a fat slob failure but I certainly feel like one.
We talked about the amount of anxiety that I feel, still. This was going on before the medical event and has picked right back up. It's been difficult not to cut but I reluctantly admitted to scratching in order to relieve stress.
We talked about the hug from The Surgeon. He was surprised I liked the hug. I told him I get about 10 hugs every time I go to the Kingdom Hall. I like them. The hug from The Surgeon was healing, especially since I won't see him again. I like the spider plant starts I got from them, too. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Ugly. Self Harm. Weight"
(sigh) I saw The Surgeon for the last time yesterday afternoon. I didn't expect him to hug me but I'm glad he did. I gave him his painting and as expected, I cried at the end. As a matter of fact I got in the car, went to the store, purchased 4 pints of ice cream and a dozen donuts to sooth those tears. Strawberry and Death by Chocolate seemed like good band-aides. I ate a few of the donuts but left the ice cream lot untouched in the freezer.......This is all so painfully unnatural.
I have a hard time letting go of him right now so I was given 3 spider plant starts from his office. How cool is that? His office is the one who gave me the push to set up my 3 gallon Betta 'bowl'. They've got a set up on each desk when you first walk in that are gorgeous. I so want to do a second Betta set up. Anyway.... ...continue reading "Surgeon. CNA. Spoiled Me."
About a year ago I took a vow of simplicity. I started before the health scare took place and am picking up where I left off.
What is it? What's the point?
A vow of simplicity is one where you vow to live (for a time) a more simple existence which includes freeing up time wasters, money wasters and drama for the purpose of mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing and balance.
I think simplicity has cleaner lines of thought and action. I think life can be filled with distraction and clutter and I'd like to minimize the affects the outside cluttered world has on me.
The vow is personal and spiritual, and has nothing to do with how others live or thrive.
Being a personal vow, it is specific to my needs.
This is in fact a vow before God to live a simplified life for a time. Its new and official start date was September 1st of 2018. Because the vow is before God it is more than a goal. It's a spiritual obligation. I really want this in a large way which is why I did a vow instead of a goal. I wanted the obligation to fulfill it.
How is this a spiritual goal?
If I mentally simplify my life and declutter it, I am available more mentally for spiritual things such as Bible reading and teaching others about the Bible. Simplifying my life so there's not so much damage control, not so many distractions to muddle through will allow me to be more available to assist in a ministerial way.
My physical wounds have healed faster than emotional wounds. There's a real fear that time will pass, I'll 'look better', and people will forget that on the inside I'm still struggling.
When all this first happened and for the entire 5 months, friends leaped to my assistance. I had more visitors than I knew what to do with. 🙂 I felt loved. Now that things are going back to my version of normal with Lupus, I fear being left and yet I know the fear is unfounded. My friends love me and I know it, and I know that they were there for me before all this happened. But there's this fear that all the love and attention is going to stop, and I'll fade right into the background and be forgotten. I like the feeling of being loved. It's not entirely new but its new enough that with a taste of it I don't want to let it go. ...continue reading "Don’t Forget Me"
Monday was one of the hardest days I've had in a while. It started off with nightmares that stayed with me for much of the day. I tried to go back to bed to start over but had yet another nightmare. Then as planned, I got myself together, got on my horse (wheelchair) and left the house despite mega pain. I went to the shoe store and cried my eyes out in the store unexpectedly. I had no idea the grief would hit me right there in DSW but it did and there I sat crying in my chair in front of people. I felt like a fool.
Later I went to the post office to send out art only to discover that it was Columbus Day, no mail. That would have been fine except I was already at my max of stress and physical pain. Then later the big worry happened, I fell. ...continue reading "Surviving to Eke out Gratitude"
Content: Aunt tried to kill herself. Brief discussion of cocaine. Death.
The gist is that my aunt refused to call me by my name, called me everything else. I refused to answer. Then she called me a 'bitch' so I gave her a full account of how much I hate her. I reminded her that she has "everything" others work their whole lives for: a boat, house, vacations, good job, yet she's unhappy. I went as far as to tell her that even though everyone else knows it, she's in love with someone who doesn't love her back and that's the real reason she's unhappy. I said she should let his gay self go and find a straight man. ...continue reading "Dreams: Burying Fantasies"