I can guess at why I’m in and out of my head right now with a lot of dissociation going on. There’s a lot going on in therapy, a lot of anxiety and a few days of high pain. I want to get around to read other blogs but it doesn’t happen. I start off doing one task then end up doing something completely different only to realize I left the other project sitting. I feel like I’m floating but I also feel very guarded, weary of being hurt emotionally so I want to keep emotional distance. I can almost see the wall between me and others.
I have to remember that despite jumping from task to task, I am still productive. I reminded myself of this a few minutes ago. Before this sentence I got up to turn on the heat which lead to me in the kitchen to warm up dinner. I would rather be more organized in thought and behavior. I would rather not drift about but, I should not dismiss the fact that I am functioning; fragmented but functioning.
I’m still drawing, still sketching but I haven’t scanned art yet. Jane is doing well and is back to her normal self. All the frogs are good, one shrimp got eaten in the firebelly toad tank. I’m going to take advantage of the dollar per gallon sale at Petco April 2nd, 2007 and upgrade the firebelly toad enclosure. At Petsmart one of the employees told me about an African snail that needs a home. I said no. That was hard!
5:08 pm EST
I’m lost in this, trying to get out of my skin. This hurts so bad and I’m scared. I hate this!!
I’ve been hitting 9’s since Sunday. It’s not immediate, it’s a gradual rise as I move around, as the air hits me or I move my head and my hair moves across my back. My eyes close and it hurts, my fingers move across the keyboard and it hurts. I hurt, everywhere.
The last few days I’ve tried to distract myself online and around the house. I’ve even tried to ignore the pain but today is a day where I say enough, it’s pain med time. I’m going to try to make myself comfortable and see if I can get some sleep. I’d rather not stay awake during this, not if I don’t have to. But I don’t want to go to sleep. I want my muscles to stop spasming so hard in my shoulders. I want to get things done, and I’m hungry.
I updated the Featured Art Gallery page. This month’s feature will have a color theme. Color is important in my therapy process. Since Sundrip is about the art and artist trying to thrive it only makes sense I’d have an Art Therapy Gallery and speak openly about the role art has in my healing.
She’s Green – Redbubble
The last feature spoke of the color blue and it’s meaning. This feature will focus on the color orange.
Orange in art therapy or art created as therapy symbolizes fleeting courage, self doubt, ambiguity. What I mean is, I’m faced with conflicting emotions or I am going to take action but I’m not quite secure in my steps.
Orange is a color that slides back and forth between red and yellow. Red in my art therapy stands for empowerment and positive self esteem. The other side of that is yellow which is for shame and all acts of depravity. When those two collide there’s a struggle to stabilize and sort out how I see myself and my situation.
I recently started reading from a website called What’s Your Grief? I need a lot of the articles right now as I struggle with my brother and mother….. I hope every February and March from here on won’t hurt this much.
In an article about Sentimentality & Holding Onto Items the writer talked about dolls that her mother purchased each year for her. Being a doll collector my interest was piqued. For me, each doll I collected had some connection to a part of me that was lost to abuse and neglect. I knew on some level that I was trying to regain these things but it took years before I could look at the dolls and say, she has this quality in her dress and facial features that reminds me of this particular moment of loss.
Yay!! I finally was able to refill my lapsang souchong. This seems extra smokey but still good. I prefer Teavana but who on earth has that kind of money? I first came across this tea after someone purchased from Teavana but didn’t like it. I inherit teas this way all the time.
A few months ago I received a nice present in the mail called Chamomile Bloom Herbal Tea. That is one beautiful tea. The florals in it are …beautiful which meant I was going to have to eventually have some more of that stuff. I looked at the ingredients list. I now have them all.
If you understand how to read a recipe or ingredients list then you can duplicate packaged tea. Getting as close as possible or duplicating teas means I don’t have to spend a small fortune on this passion of mine. I can mix some up as I go or I can mix a larger amount of herbs and store it as a Sundrip Tea. I’ll have to start calling these Sundrip Tea. lol.
A friend purchased a grocery store brand called Berry & Ancient Flowers. It’s a green tea by Private Selection. I’m not crazy about blueberry unless its yogurt, but the strong florals make the blueberry tolerable for me. Knowing I may want the tea again, I had to check the ingredients and see if I had everything. I did, with the exception of Calendula which appears to be helpful in several ways. I noticed that Calendula has warnings for people on sedatives, high blood pressure medication and those with diabetes.
Even though I’ve got a knowledgeable individual guiding me, I still make mistakes with homeopathy. The difficulty is one brought up when I was in Culinary School. There is a severe lack of standards and regulations, and people tend to forget that these flowers are medicine. Done correctly, homeopathy has done me a world of good, especially for my situation. But, mistakes in dosing or conflicts with pharmaceuticals can cause serious and other times humorous side effects. This is my segue to a part I’ll call, “How to know if you’ve taken too much turmeric tincture” aka “Good Lord I can’t stop throwing up my internal organs.”
What’s on my mind? Being called an extremist and knowing that my brothers and sisters in Russia are facing times like the days of Stalin’s Russia.
Russia’s Ministry of Justice Moves to Ban Jehovah’s Witnesses in Russia
“The Witnesses could lose properties dedicated to religious worship, almost 400 legal entities could be dissolved, and each of the over 170,000 Witnesses could be criminally prosecuted merely for meeting for worship, reading the Bible together, or talking to others about their faith.
Vasiliy Kalin, a representative of the Administrative Center in Russia, stated: “The profound desire of each of Jehovah’s Witnesses in Russia is just to be able to worship our God peacefully. For over 100 years, the authorities in Russia have trampled on the guarantees of their own laws, which grant us this right. I was just a boy when Stalin exiled my family to Siberia merely because we were Jehovah’s Witnesses. It is sad and reprehensible that my children and grandchildren should be facing a similar fate. Never did I expect that we would again face the threat of religious persecution in modern Russia.””
The ban may be okay with some. I know many are very anti-JW, but, you might want to think about what it means to worship freely. Continue reading →
I’m a little slow in thought and somewhat medicated.
A few years ago one of my alters suggested we take a photograph of ourselves each month. She said to do it on the 17th and that’s exactly what we’ve done. It’s to give us a clearer view of ourselves, to break from old negative messages.
Without a photo in front of me, what do I think I look like? I feel………. and there’s the challenge. The truth of what I look like is based on categories like, 5’4, African-American, plus size, brown eyes, brown hair, not feelings. That’s what I look like but what I feel I look like is totally different. And that’s what the photos are supposed to do, stop the shaming and see myself better. Stop ‘seeing’ me in phrases like I feel small, I feel like an elephant. I feel stupid.
I am still working on how I speak to myself and how I view myself. I’m still working on splitting up feelings based on truth and feelings based on shame and self loathing.
A photograph of on the 17th of each month doesn’t have my face with red inked letters that spell out ‘bad’ so why should I include that word when describing my appearance?
Last night’s dreams were of drowning and stabbing murders. A boat wrecked and about 50 to 60 people were along the shore scattered and too hurt to pull themselves the rest of the way to safety.
Then the scene changed to two women being lead in the dark to the dock. They were lead by a woman I’m going to call Peggy just so it’ll make sense. Peggy owned a boarding house. She rented rooms to single women and couples. It was an old ranch type house in the middle of nowhere, nothing but fields and dirt roads. The house was full.
The video is a quickly thrown together sound bite with several art pieces that fit the topic. Death of my brother as well as sexual abuse, suicidal ideation and self harm (cutting) are discussed along side art stills. Close to the end of the video one photo of a box of crayons is seen for several seconds, then the video ends. That crayon photograph marks a detailed discussion of first being abused.
Life without Crayons
No coloring books
No cousin to first touch as I held gray
to fill in a cat who chased
but never caught the mouse.
No crayons would mean no dowel rods on my three year old body because
liberties were taken.
Life without crayons would never ask if
dowel rods broke before my mind had to.
Life did change that day. She saw me differently. Whatever she didn’t beat out of me that day made her violently mad until I left home.