There's a blog magazine I read called What's your grief?. It helps me process some of what I feel in a more tangible way. Recently I saw an entry called 64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Griefand immediately honed in on number thirty, “The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind” and 36, “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust”.
I knew I'd go all over the emotional scale with grief. I knew I'd be in disbelief. I knew I'd sit shocked and trip over myself. I knew I'd bargain, that the world would look different, that I'd have memories so real it felt like I was standing there with him again. I knew these things, but I didn't know my ability to trust would be tested. I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting to feel betrayed by the entire world for having the audacity to continue on without him. I was offended. How could you? How could you possibly keep spinning as if nothing happened? It's an insult.
Today I begin the process of bottling up tinctures and oils used to help with Lupus and Chronic Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. The tinctures help ease pain, decrease inflammation and strengthen my immune system.
Today I'll press out the lavender infusion and bottling that before I start on tinctures. The last thing I want is to cross contaminate lavender infusion with turmeric tincture. It's not a good mix. The Passion Flower tincture is the one that helps ease anxiety and aid in sleep.
The homeopathy care plan I have is a good one, but there are times when I don't take it even though I should and I can. I've always done this. Even though I am fully med compliant I hardly ever take extra meds, even when they're prescribed. I've been given a medication script to knock me out when my pain level reaches a nine. I've been told how to take this med but it's hardly ever done. I've been given medication to assist with anxiety attacks and assist with sleep but it is hardly ever taken. Why? Why do I continue to deny myself comfort or an easier course?
The timing of this crisis with my sister is one that has been brought to my attention more than once, but I reject the idea that I should see this upset as anything other than coincidence. She hates me, she's not going to manipulate a person she hates by saying she's going to kill herself. She's not reacting to the entries I wrote about letting her go. I reject the idea that she feels anything at all for me so that she would act out because I said I no longer hope in ghosts. People can say what they want, the timing of this is coincidental, but my stand is firm and decisive.
I sent her a letter to go under her door. Her apartment is the last place anyone saw her or heard from her. I sent the letter because I had to. How could I not? When I realized I could possibly contact her I sent a letter through a friend of a friend.
My every waking thought is her but that's not how it was two weeks ago. Two weeks ago I felt ready to walk away emotionally. I felt ready to move forward and let the past stay the way they created it. But today, she's all I think about. She's all I think about.
Today's therapy discussion focused on family matters: mother's thorough brainwashing and effective divisive tactics, scapegoating, emotional boundaries between myself and all birth family and a recap of nightmares from a few days back. After writing this entry I was reminded of the paintings "Resilience Tree," so I included them in the entry.
I was awake all night and until around 10:30 this morning. I had my session to go over the graphically violent and blood dream about cannibals and going to a psychiatric prison for the mentally insane because I was guilty of murdering my child self, the inner child of my sister and the inner child of my brother. I'll pick up more on that topic later.
We talked about the complete lack of protection from my mother: physical, emotional and spiritual responsibilities were ignored or out right withheld.
When I was a kid and I moved around from home to home, I had the legal right to contact Jehovah's Witnesses and talk to them. I contacted them every single chance I could.
Since I had so much contact with Jehovah's Witnesses through various avenues, it stands to reason that I'd run into some of them now. I ran into the daughter of a woman my sister and I stayed with. She knows me. She remembers how bad it was and what we came from. She knows my birth name. She knows I have multiple personality disorder. I felt naked standing in front of her but I couldn't help but think to myself, Faith, you lived through impossible situations. Your reality, Faith, is that you lived when others didn't. That means something. That took a lot of work. And I'm still alive. That means something. It takes a lot of work just to exist. Yeah, my mind is fractured and my body is ... broken.... but how amazing is it to have an opportunity to truly live in freedom from ... them? How amazing and .... nauseating. The memories and nightmares associated with enduring her makes me nauseous but they do not erase the fact that I have an enduring spirit and that I truly understand what it means to be free.
Today is the most important day of the year for Jehovah's Witnesses. I'll observe the Memorial of Jesus Christ's death with my local congregation tonight after sundown. Of course I'll have in mind the other 8.2 million of us across the globe who will do the same.
I am happy to have the religious freedom to attend tonight's observance in person, but I have to admit I'm anxious. I'm anxious about leaving home, about sitting in a crowd and about dissociating. I have a short period of time to get myself ready. This is important to me and I want to be there. I will be there. I just need to get myself together mentally.
Leaving my safe place is always difficult no matter if I go to therapy or the grocery store, but last night's dreams have added to my anxiety level.
It's time I logged off here to get my mind in a good spot so I can observe this day with my whole heart and mind.
I'm still awake, a bit nervous and going back and forth between wanting to isolate and feeling nervous. I've got YouTube playing as well as music on the ipod and a game on the tablet. It's as if there's so much anxiety I don't know what to do with it. I'm running emotionally.
I set up the new frog tank and listened to the Waterfall which sounded so peaceful. I considered laying down to relax and listen but I was afraid to let go.
I had a dream that my mother drove a car with my sister in the passenger's seat while I hung outside of the car enjoying the breeze. At one point I told my mother I wanted in the car but she refused to let me in. She sped up then turned a corner and slammed into a red car. In slow motion I saw my mother and sister sustain injuries they could not survive. I was thrown beyond the wreckage where I was in and out of consciousness. On a rescue gurney I asked about my family. They wouldn't answer. I was in and out of consciousness and realized I was dying. I knew better than to look at my body. I figured I was messed up pretty badly. I closed my eyes and slipped away.
In another dream the same night, I was a kitten in a feral community. My momma took me to an abandoned house where another cat brought her young kitten. The kitten curled up next to me to sleep. I thought it was the greatest thing ever.
I have a Ph.D in worrying. I have what I need for this month. I'm not in a collection status on anything so why I flip out over money is beyond me.
I heard from that girl again. While at the grocery store I received another round of cruelty from the visitor I had weeks ago. I don't know her that well and will keep it that way. I like helping people otherwise I wouldn't go through training to do so, but that's not my field. I didn't sign up for that. For someone who hardly knows me and me her, she sure is able to hit on issues that sting and leave a mark. She knows exactly where to direct those missiles. Liar. Manipulative, attention seeker, no one likes me, no manners, a bad daughter, crazy, evil, ungrateful . She told me I need to get on my knees and grovel. I need to be able to take a slap from someone sometimes and let myself be corrected.
Chil u 'bout 2 drive me ta drinkin'.
I was at the grocery store getting bombarded with texts about how horrible of a person I am.... I've got 99 problems but not knowing how to block a phone number isn't one!
Ya know, words hurt. Words hurt even when the words are from a stranger. They hurt when said by a person who may not be fully responsible for their actions. 'You' might wonder what I said in response. I'm pretty good at running off at the mouth but that's something I'm trying to change, too. There was no reason to respond to such texts. I'm learning that I don't have to speak and that sometimes its best not to. I was mad for sure but mad doesn't justify adding fuel to the fire. I am trying to upgrade my life my controlling my tongue. I'm a student of life with so much to learn.
I don't like to name call. I say on this blog that people are terminally stupid and so-in-so is a jackass, but I absolutely never say it to anyone's face because WORDS HURT! ...continue reading →
He saw my frustration lead to growling and hitting myself in the head. It happened so fast and resulted in embarrassment. He didn't say a word. He acted like nothing happened.
I kept trying to talk to the man who watched me hit myself in the head then switch personalities back to an older version of me. I watched this take place as if I were hovering above myself just a little bit. I wanted to talk to him and try to understand. I wanted to hear his words as more than gibberish but it wasn't working, they stopped 5 inches from my face. I looked at him through fog and then started rocking. It took quite a bit to get grounded enough to understand what he was saying. It's just not been a good head day.
I'm going to take some Passion Flower tincture and go to sleep. My tincture turned out really well.
I brushed Jane. I didn't eat. I answered the phone twice but other than that I just didn't want contact with anyone.
I was talking on the phone to a friend in Punjab who thought it was absolutely hilarious and absurd that Jehovah's Witnesses are labeled extremists in Russia. He's not a witness but he too can see that this is simply absurd. No, we don't slap people with Watchtowers!
I made hot chocolate. I found the good kind at Kroger. I'm going to get more. I see Snow Thursday and Friday.
I'm overwhelmed by bills right now. It's funny because I don't have bills, that's something others have but now I've got bills and I feel the weight of them on my shoulders. What's interesting is that it's around $150 but it's in 4 different locations which feels like a lot to a person who takes great care to live within her means. ...continue reading →