Dr. D started off the session with, did you know there's going to be an eclipse today? He said, I wanted to let you know because its going to get dark. I didn't want it to catch you by surprise. It would have but I would have figured it out I think, maybe. Michelle 2:13 pm
We talked about how my sister lived with my friend and her husband only three miles from me. She lived there for a year. A year! We went to the same grocery store but never ran into one another. How is it possible to be that close to me but not see me? Dr. D asked what about this knowledge is so upsetting. It's the magic, ya know, the wand that tosses out fairy dust that makes her see me in a different light. If she could just see me from time to time maybe she wouldn't hate me so much. Its the fantasy of her changing because I need her to.
What a vicious thing to tear family apart by abuse and lies. That is a crime that keeps offending.
We talked about how to move past how I think about my sister, how I think about my needs from her. It all starts with my thinking. If I change my thinking I can change my actions. Maybe I'll stop longing for her so grievously.
First and foremost, I have nothing to prove.
I'm not disgusting or dirty. I've not committed a crime to say the opposite. I don't have to convenience myself of anything. It is well established that I'm lovable. That was one of the biggest and most destructive lies they told. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Prove Yourself"
My right leg is still swollen but it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did yesterday. I'm still wearing compression socks.
I fell asleep shortly after writing my last entry. I've been sleeping for a very, very long time, all day and night. I got up to use the restroom. I got up to feed the cat and take medication, other than that I've been sleeping. I couldn't keep my eyes open.
I went for an orange and got distracted. I cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed the floors. I had an orange, water and some tea.
Yesterday evening was scary because I wasn't sure I'd wake up today. I jotted a quick note to my friend Snow and closed my eyes. The leg was really bad yesterday.
One of the best things for edema is activity. I need to increase blood flow. I also need to be conscious of what I eat. I don't take a lot of sodium but at this time it's best to be even more careful with it. My stretches will be important. My vascular issues are Lupus related which means the root of the problem is in my blood and immune system. If I am to have any impact on this I'll have to do it from the inside out. I have to get that turmeric, ginger and black pepper back in me on a regular basis. I have to get cinnamon and garlic back in me as well as organic honey. These are vital. Funny how I can now see how vital it is after having stopped regular intake for nearly two months. ...continue reading "Lupus and edema. Dignity in life. Finding light."
I'm not good with changing things without time to transition. My head feels scattered and set to panic mode. Anxiety is high and honestly, I want to kick my legs and flail my arms. This isn't what we planned!!!! Argh! It's like I can't take changes like this. Like my mind and body actively reject the idea of the assault called change of plans.
i sketch without heart. not much of anything is getting done because my pain level has risen.
my therapist double booked for friday which means i won't go in. he called at 5:33 pm wed, 30 min after hours to say he doubled book friday. he doesn't work thursday's at all. he said to call the office thursday to see if i can reschedule that appointment for a later time on friday. i told him up front that i am not able to reschedule those appointments bc the person taking me has a very full schedule. 5 min of a call from him out of the blue, after hours, where i can't talk to him again until friday evening isn't good. i'm not pleased. i'm going to have to get ok with it in my head. it was a mistake. i can live with it. my body isn't allowing me to sit long anyway. i'll fix it in my head so that it doesn't feel like more than it is, a mistake.
i'm having a hard time sitting. i can stand or lay flat but sitting is painful. spasming has been a problem again. i just want to cry.
i was going to say that i don't care about stuff right now and that i don't want to do anything but not caring doesn't totally fit. i'm angry about a few things. i think most of it has to do with pain levels rising and not being able to sit longer than 10 min without spasms. i've come back to this entry 3 times now to finish it.
i'm raw at the moment bc i'm getting closer to the date to see my new general practitioner. this month seems extra full of appointments, stuff i can't get out of. i'm going to the very last dental appointment which i'm not looking forward to.
i'm raw after finding out that its my brother my sister feels guilty about. i can't believe i actually thought she could/would feel anything for me other than contempt. i wonder why i allowed myself to believe she's capable of feeling anything for me? why did i again put myself in front of a speeding bus then ask why it ran me over. is she always going to be a dangling carrot? the type of temptation i just can't resist? i feel so stupid. what was i thinking?
yesterday someone wanted to adopt all three of my fire belly frogs. they are now with a larger pod in a much larger terrarium. this means my only frog is Pete the African Clawed Frog. i don't want any more fire bellies. they're adorable but they aren't for me. i want a land frog not semi aquatic. the good thing is that i've got the correct set up for frogs here. i never sell of major equipment i know i can't replace. tanks are easy to replace but other equipment may not be. ah... snails. i thought all 5 of my little baby snails died but it appears i have one little guy. he's adorable. i tried to out source getting a snail but it hasn't worked. now i have to out source even further and bug my friend one state over about putting a snail in the mail. i just don't know enough people willing to dig in their yard for stuff. wow, the things a girl does for pets. anyway, as long as i have a few live things to fuss over and care for then i'm good to go.
oh yeah, my web mistress is working on the rss feed and the issue with commenting from the wordpress reader.
I have slept hard and well. I can't complain at all about the quality of sleep I've had lately, not even a little.
I went to the store yesterday and came back home with zero energy. I slept from 5 pm to 10 pm which meant my hours were turned around. I used the time for studying and to get some house work done. As the night went on, I wanted to rest but I felt weighed down with anxiety. Several nights in a row I've held my MP3 player like a well worn teddy bear. I listened to podcast subscriptions and books. I could have hooked it up to speakers but I needed it close to me. I needed a human voice as comfort so I could relax enough to close my eyes.
I used to require a lot of silence but I can barely stand in now, especially at night.
Sometimes when I wake the iPod is still playing. It makes me smile. I guess because I was able to hear something positive the entire evening, something to fight nightmares. The iPod is a generation 4 that I got second hand. I love that thing. I can't run most applications. I can no longer open a page on the web and keep it open, it but I can get the most important things, music and podcasts. This little machine has served me well.
Tonight's dinner was bbq chicken, green beans and mashed potatoes. I later had my 6 oz of red wine. I've done better about my eating but improvement in that area still comes in waves.
I'm going to start to settle in for the night with a nice cup of tea.
It occurred to me that when abuse is reported the concerned person is saying that the person being abused doesn't deserve it.
The one who reports abuse is saying, this is unjust and I'm not going to sit by and let this happen.
The one reporting abuse offers their strength to the abused and offers their voice because they recognize vulnerability.
Even when done anonymous, it takes a healthy conscience and inner strength to report abuse. My mother had neither.
I understand why my mother never reported accounts of abuse we shared with her in strict detail. She never saw those kids as living beings with the universal right to safety and peace. She didn't recognize their worth. My mother probably never expected anyone to go to bat for me. How sorely she underestimated the worth of her children, too.
I honestly didn't expect to survive her, but I did. Most days I'm happy I did because there's so much more to see and do.
I'm about to do what we bloggers do when dealing with a difficult subject. I publish the hard post then follow it up with something else because the post under this is heavy and its scary to leave it at the front of the blog. It feels like I'm protecting myself from the post so I don't look like a weak whiner. I feel like I have to make sure people don't think this is a drama filled blog. It's worrisome to have to write something like that but we bloggers usually experience it at least once. It doesn't feel good.
The other reason for this entry is to talk about a phone call from a friend and the physical reaction that took place.
He talked about how he's seen adults crumble from the pain of caning, so why did my mother think a child could come through it time and again, whole. He said he had to find a way to get through it so while he was being beaten he began to think of more pleasurable experiences which included sexual contact with the girl next door. We were in the 4th grade she in the 3rd.
It didn't seem odd to sit next to this girl and talk about what was being done to us by adults. It was our normal and didn't seem like something we needed to hide from one another. My mother was well aware of the relationship. It was that experience and experiences with other girls that I tried to focus on when being beaten with a dowel rod.
Robert explained that the young girl's uncle had been abusing our girlfriend and that one day while my mother wasn't home the uncle came in our house. At the time, my sister and I were sleeping in my mother's bed. He sat on the end of the bed for the longest time. He made a phone call, sat there longer and then left. I called my mother to tell her. She didn't even bother to come home. She was at work and had the liberty to leave but didn't. Another time this uncle stood in the window of my mother's room and watched the three of us in bed together. That was my 4th grade year. Only when my mother and he made eye contact did she decide to call the police. She was mad because they used their sirens to announce their presence. She wanted them to sneak up on him. After that day I never saw the guy again. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Robert Talks Physical Torture and Suicide"
Today I sold the painting "Wait for Me - Let there always be hope". When the individual saw her painting she was moved because she's going through a lot right now. This is the moment artists love, we eat it up.
As artists we put our very lives on canvas and hang it out for all to see. We love the oohh and ahhhh responses but when someone is moved right to the heart, it fuels us, validates us and propels our creative direction.
I so, so love the expression I saw on her face when I handed her the painting. I won't forget that for awhile. I feel like I was able to give someone something of value, a tiny bit of understanding and a little more rope to hold on to. It feels good.
"Wait for Me - Let there always be hope" found a wall of its own.
Art Title: Always Hope
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Medium: Colored pencil and watercolor
Size: 5.5 x 8.5 inches
Finish: signed, unsealed, unmounted
Style: Abstract Expressionism, Modern
This piece has sold which means it is now only available in prints from Redbubble which is linked to on my sidebar. To see available art that can be purchased through PayPal or Etsy, please see the Available Art Gallery and Available, Too.