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Today Dr. D and I discussed saying "no" to my mother and the consequences of doing so. My teeth began to chatter. I was rocking back and forth. I had to get a hold of myself.

Last night I was in the bedroom and instinctively turned to verify she wasn't in the doorway but for just a second I saw her. Obviously it was my head playing games, but for a second I thought I saw her standing there, which is why I turned to look. I had a scarf hanging over the door which created a figure in my peripheral vision. Turning to look isn't new. I have to force myself to not look at the door. I have to tell myself there's no way she's in the house, stop worrying, remember I'm safe now. But that's not enough, I have to look at the bedroom door to ease my mind. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Control. Gaining confidence."

One thing that's been on my mind is getting the last item for my disaster readiness bag aka "go bag". I have yet to include beef jerky, but other than that, my "go bag" is complete.

In an entry called Emergency Kit and Chronic Illness, I talked about the importance of documents that aren't stored on a device. I think those without power would agree that medical documents and phone numbers on a device with a dead battery is essentially useless. What I accidentally discovered is that I can store items inside empty medicine bottles because they're waterproof. I thought about what other items are waterproof and came up with a short list:  old Tupperware, a tall coffee cup with an auto-lock, no spill lid or an old coffee thermos. Papers inside these items would be dry and safe.  ...continue reading "Now and for the long haul of disaster recovery"

Original surreal art showing an array of faces, colors, lines and expressive movement.

Art Title: Cacophony: Head Noise
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Size: 8.5 x 5.5
Media: Mixed, acrylic, marker on 98 lb sketchbook paper
Finish: signed, dated, heat sealed, unmounted, raw
Style: Surreal, Illustration

Faith

We talked about the grieving process. I haven't been emotional in front of people, which may make me seem cold to her passing. It's been more private and I'm certain it'll stay that way. I'm running, that's for sure. I need distractions; I have them.

One distraction is the mean streak of Betty. I could go on and on about Betty but why? Until I change it, there's no reason to go on and on. The woman is a constant problem.

I told Dr. D that I'm working on getting different transportation to the store on Tuesday's but that I have real problems in cars. The only place I'm terribly claustrophobic and scared is in a car. I need to know I can get out and I need to know the person behind the wheel won't attack me physically. I need to know they aren't going to start hitting me, slapping me, threatening to drive into on coming traffic, won't scream "I'm killing us all" followed by driving off the road to wreck the car. (Times like this make me think I hate my mother.) ...continue reading "TR: Jane. Pain. Alternative Medicine"

I told the temporary GP that hitting a ten threatens the truth that I have everything to live for.

I bounce around pain levels with my emotions trying to catch up. I am excited about tomorrow because I'm getting a new frog and I'm excited about going to services this evening yet my anxiety is sky high. I'm fighting back tears while bouncing around the house cooking mock Chinese food and drinking spiced tea I threw together just this morning. I feel on the verge of breaking which will leave a trail all over this house because that's where I am, all over.

I feel sad, emotional, excited, anxious anticipation, despair. I don't feel suicidal, just tired. I know I'm going to services tonight and I know it'll take everything out of me for the rest of the night and into the morning but I need to be there. I hate leaving the house anymore because I have to take my head with me. What if people want hugs? What if my old friend is there? What if I cry right in the middle of someone's talk?

I hate my body and I hate my mind. I hate these strong hormonal swings with roller coaster pain levels. I hate that my family is torn apart. I hate that I felt so much anger I wanted my grandmother dead. I don't feel that strongly right now but sometimes I think, if she hadn't kept up the tradition of abusing children, would my mother have abused me?

 

Sometimes it's hard to sit still. My anxiety is full force so that I walk while studying. I pace back and forth with my tablet in my hand reading and studying. I sit to scribble to release the anxiety. I try to calm myself with a cup of tea, with a little soothing self talk, but I'm not able to focus or get grounded.

I had two visitors and I was nervous with them. I got good stuff though. One lady swapped me tomatoes and squash for cat food. I love bartering. Now I have fresh, garden grown veggies and her cat has a good amount of dry food.

The other lady and I do green juice together but she brought over a couple that she got from an orchard by her. She has Lupus, too.

I was so anxious when they were here. Anxiety is ridiculous right now.

I tend to work on many pieces at one time, including this little one here.  She was created by scribbling loops on the page, erasing in areas then connecting lines to picture this little girl. The other drawing in this entry was created by the same process of  loops, lines and pearls.

The Little More Girl

Sketchbook art in watercolor.

She grew up with more than Lupus. She grew up with the ability to imagine and do more than anyone thought she could.

Scribble art: loops, lines and pearlsIf I became too annoyed with myself concerning my lack of focus and the many half started paintings, I'd be too discouraged to finish anything. I'm going with the flow. I put a few more lines to one drawing then work with another. I add paint to one piece then add the last thing, my signature.

I sometimes assembly line work with one color. I lay out 4 or 5 paintings and add the color to each. I let them dry then do the same thing to the next batch.

My way of working can be frustrates me. I think I'm not getting anywhere, that is until I put the finishing touches on 5 art pieces in one day. That's when I realize my focus is off a bit and I feel scattered, but I'm still finishing artwork. Recently, finishing art has taken longer but I'm willing to accept that too, especially since I am finishing art. I have four sketch journals I could think of as failed finishes or a head start to the finish line. I choose the latter.

Faith

9/22/17-9:13 pm EST

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September 17th 2017 - why do I look so shocked? I still take photos on the 17th of each month then look at them all 12 at the end of the year...and in between. It helps me have a better understanding of what I really look like as opposed to what I think I look like.

I feel disgusting. I'm not looking for compliments, ok. I feel disgusting. I feel like a fat slob, ugly. Why? My weight it out of control. It's out of control for many reasons, primarily steroids and other medications.  ...continue reading "The 17th"

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I'm tired. It's been a very long day.

My frog Pete died a few days ago. He was 12 years old. It breaks my heart that he's gone. The house doesn't feel right without hearing him call at night. I now have two Chubby Frogs and hope to get a Dumpy Frog (White's Tree Frog) somewhere down the road but right now I intend to focus on Mary Jane and getting her better. Her fever returned and has been pretty steady. She comes out of her corner a few times a day but always goes back. She keeps trying to find a corner further away, darker, smaller where she can be alone. I feel bad for her. She still fur and bones. She gained a few ounces but she's still skinny, she looks so bad.

I have lowered prices in my Etsy shop. There's no sale, no code to punch in, just lowered prices on most items. The price decrease is anywhere from $5 to $50. I've lowered prices on most of my items so I can get serious about saving money for Mary Jane's treatment in her senior years. She's never cost me much money so I didn't worry about not having savings specifically for her care, but recent events have shown that I need to have funds available for vet care and medicines. My shop prices reflect the need while giving me a half way decent profit.

The bookmarks I'm making for a good friend are coming alone nicely.  ...continue reading "Letting go. Etsy and Janie. Evil Cow Landlord."

Funerals have a way of making you think about life in deeper terms and with focused eyes.

Charlie goes homeAt the funeral I ran into 6 of kids that come here. They're going to be at the Hall for my first talk. I'm so happy they're going to be there. The oldest girl is going to record it for me.

I don't think I've been hugged so much in one day. Yes, it hurt and yes I required pain meds after, but I wouldn't have traded those hugs for anything or passed them up. They moved but they are still able to come here and to come to my Hall. That makes me happy. ...continue reading "Adjusting positive focus"

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