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I reluctantly write this entry. Well, the CNA situation did end just days after I wrote that we had 2 good weeks. There was a lot of difficulty with attendance and an entitled attitude that truly got under my skin. However, when she quit a few weeks back, I allowed her to stay with the understanding that business can't go on as usual. For two weeks she came to work on time and did a great job. And then she bombed by leaving me high and dry with no care for two days. Chronic attendance problems got her fired.

It feels like every time I write an entry about how well things are going with a CNA, things bomb! I should stop writing entries like that because if I didn't know better I'd think I'm jinxing myself. Lol Man! It never fails. I write a positive post about the CNA and then things blow up.

Anyway, the company is sending out a new CNA Monday. I don't know what time or if she will be permanent. I just know that I should have a full time aide very soon.

Tune in next week for more CNA drama on Sundrip.

In other news, I'm still battling a bit of the rash on my arm. It's the last of the medication reaction. What a beast that was to deal with.

July will be expensive because I had to purchase a part for my horse (wheelchair) and several medications not covered by insurance. This would make me unhappy if I didn't have a plan to even things out a bit. Since I had to fork over money for the adaptation and meds, I figured I'd also gift myself a nice, fluffy, purple robe. Oh, it looks so soft. I'm days away from wrapping up in it. I can't wait.

Jordan

I'm struggling a bit to keep anxiety under control. My pain levels are too high and I've not had much sleep.

Today I saw Dr. D at his office. It was a good session yet I dissociated most of the time. It was as if I sat beside myself the entire time talking to him. It wasn't a bad session, I was just very dissociated.

The building he's in is not handicapped accessible. The age of the building falls before the law required all newer buildings to be accessible to all. So I have to walk a long distance to the front door, up stairs and down the hallway to his office which can be difficult for me now. Today it wasn't difficult, it was excruciating. I told Dr. D that the owner will make the building handicapped accessible when he himself needs the access. Until then, he'll hide behind the grandfather law that allows him to operate in a less than user-friendly way. I suppose a person has to experience the loss of mobility to fully appreciate accessibility laws. It's an annoyance to some but a life line for people like me.

After therapy my pain levels were so high that I required Oxycontin so as not to lose my mind! I took the meds and got under the weighted blanket and cried my eyes out. It's been an awful day.

Besides pain there is an increased amount of anxiety that has gone past my usual lavender fix and gone straight to Clonapin. Add to anxiety a nice infection on my chest from the rash I had due to a Bactrim reaction and you've got yourself one very maxed individual. I scratched the rash and it got infected right, dead smack in the middle of my chest. This time I have an antibiotic ointment.

So, I'm struggling a bit, trying to keep my head above water, trying not to be too discouraged. One way I'm staying encouraged is to do some work in my Gratitude Drawing Journal. I'm also going to read older entries in it to remind myself of the good in life.

I'm behind on reading blogs, answering emails and texts but I have managed to return phone calls to local friends who are part of my support system. In an effort not to isolate, I've accepted visits from friends and from the elders at the Kingdom Hall. I'm trying to do all I know to do to help myself through the depression, anxiety and pain I'm experiencing.

I may be exhausted and bruised, but I'm not willing to give up. I don't feel like throwing in the towel, but I do need a little bit of time to do some self care so I can recharge, and emotionally recover, from an hellacious few months. I'll be back to reading blogs, texting and emailing very soon.

Last but not least, I've still got the same CNA, the one that quit. It's a long, drawn out story about why she's still here, but she is. She and I are in what I call the healing process. We are working out our differences and trying to make things stable, productive and peaceful. We'll see how things progress. During this hard time she is being very helpful. The last two weeks have been really good.

Faith

2

I have a hard time believing, after all these years, that I still don't feel clean. It's been so long but I still try to wash off yesterday in the shower. I still need to get all the past off my body where it lays decaying me. After all these years, I just can't fully get over the abuses suffered as a child. As discussed in my session earlier today, spiritual abuse made a bigger impact than once thought.

We also talked about getting a new prosthetic designed for me by a new office. It's to be a lot better than the so-called one I have now.

While at the new Podiatrist's office, I had somewhat of a shocking comment by one of the nurses. She suggested that my surgeon didn't take enough of the foot and that is why I have the ulcer. The doctor said nothing of the sort. It was only her. She said that when they do the surgery they take what my surgeon left behind. I was shocked and disturbed so there wasn't a reply or inquiry, but I will ask when I return the 26th of this month.

Flowered Amputation Art

The art piece includes geometric shapes once created when I was totally closed up and unable to risk or express much through art. The shapes swallow a figure with an amputated foot with a flower in its place. The piece is in watercolor and black ink.

The figure, me, has half of the face with black which is decayed and scarred skin. The scars are black like those on my foot areas from the blisters caused by the blood clots. It feels like people can see my scars even if the scar is emotional. I can cover the physical scars with socks and you can't tell what I went through. But it feels like I wear other scars on my face for the world to see.

Looming flower SUNDRIP

Flowers represent emotion too big and scrambled for words too heavy to manage. When the flower looms over the figure it represents feeling overwhelmed and drowning in anxiety.

I purposely used pink on her shirt instead of red, which is the color I choose for myself in drawings. There's a reclaiming process going on right now of yellow and pink. I hate yellow but love pink, yet I associate them both with an unsafe youth. I'd like to reclaim those colors. The first step or transformation, will be to use them more in art in specific ways.

Purple and yellow butterfly transformation

Faith

4

I've been going in to see the doctor more than normal because my body is having a hard time fighting the infection. The days I've not gone in she's called. I'm also to keep a photo diary of the changes to the wound site, which I've been doing. The infected area changes in size almost daily. It is amazing to see, amazing in a frightening way.

Today the doctor said the test results show I do not have MRSA. She originally feared it, but that is not the bacterial infection we're dealing with. She said it's necessary for me to go to see a specialist who will do x-rays to look at the foot, and a doppler to look for blood clots.

I was nervous about this appointment. I keep expecting the doctor to say there's nothing more that can be done for me. I fear more pain than anything else. Pain of the infection, pain and weakness in my legs, pain of another amputation. Pain. I fear it.

I never, ever want to come close to where I was in the hospital when the pain was so bad I prayed to die! I believe that happened 3 times. Even when I didn't pray to die, when I wanted badly to pull through, I feared I'd lose my mind because of the pain. Pain felt like it broke me. It left a crack in my head and on my heart.

I see in my head the way my body swelled with 70 pounds of excruciating, excess water weight. I see in my head and remember vividly black feet that once held the most painful, huge boils. It was horrendous! I fear ever having to do anything like that again. I fear I will.

The right foot is the biggest issue. The doctor said the meds aren't working but she wants me to try another round. So, more vomiting, more insomnia, ears ringing and other super fun stuff. The specialist will most likely change treatment but for now I do round two of the same.

I see the specialist Wednesday.

I'm discouraged and fearful but still determined to keep going.

It's 4pm, my CNA is gone for the day but we put dinner in the crock pot for me. I'm having roast with potatoes, carrots and green beans. There's a nice cup of tea in my future.

Faith

I've had a few quiet days at home alone because my regular CNA is out. It's been peaceful.

I hate to use words like peaceful then mention small moments with tea concerning my life, at the same time as the news reports more than 50 people have been murdered by a gunman in New Zealand.

So I'm sipping fine orchid tea from my favorite mug and my heart can't even smile. There is no peace, and there hasn't been since this early morning when I first heard about it.

After I heard the sheer volume of terror caused I did what others did. I goggled "does New Zealand have the death penalty?" No, they do not have this barbaric penalty. But right now my heart turns to barbarism and asks why he and his accomplices should live when they have changed the lives of so many people forever? Sometimes the death penalty seems right. Barbarism is what he played out on the world and I'm wondering if a News Zealand prison is harsh enough for him or should he be transferred to San Quentin in California?

I'm angry.

I think what shocks me too is that it's New Zealand. Had it been Sweden, France, G. B. London, the United States, it wouldn't leave a question mark. But, New Zealand? Really?

Active shooters are such a part of American culture that even the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses has been given instructions on what to do. When we went over active shooter information at my congregation my heart blead! The thought of someone walking into the house of my God with a weapon hurts deeper than words can express! How dare anyone ever defile a place of worship with hatred?

I shake my head to throw off understanding that some people have no respect for life and that hate is what they feed on. I shake my head.

I'm going to sip my favorite tea today and dig deep to find my inner peace. Whatever peace is in my heart, whatever calm and hopeful feeling I find, I'm going to accept because I'm going to need it. The day is early.

Faith

The nurse visited again to check my lungs which have shown improvement. She wants me to continue the excersizes to strengthen them.

Of course there was an incident with the foot. I was soaking them but didn't realize the water was too hot and burned myself. Oh my gosh! Oh the issues one has when they can't feel part of the body. I'm new at this whole thing but I'll get the hang of it.

During the visit the nurse paid me a wonderful complement. She said she's normally an anxious person but when she comes here she feels very relaxed and can feel stress fall off her. She said the environment is welcoming and that I have a very welcoming spirit. Without knowing, her complement helped to heal over a few weeks of feeling like a bad person for having negative experiences with the nurse's aides (CNAs).

Last Monday's session with Dr D concerning the CNAs was worse than the appointment the Monday before that. It was so bad that I cursed him out. I can't believe that happened, but it did. It did nothing for my argument that I've not contributed to the drama in this house caused solely by some of the the nurse's aides. I could not get him to let go of the ides that it takes two for conflict. Well then conflict isn't the right word, "drama" is!

So the session ended badly then without knowing it, the nurse kind of gave me a complement that reminded me of what others have said. I have a welcoming home and generally a welcoming spirit. However, I can be triggered and pushed too far.... as Dr D found out.

We now have a permanent CNA that seems like she will work out. We're going to miss the last one who didn't get to stay bc she didn't have car insurance to transport us to the doctor and store. This one has everything in order and seems nice. So far she's not treated me like her therapist. She shows up on time and works very well. She's a tad ditzy but hey, ya know, it happens. I do like her.

When I interviewed the new nurse's aide I asked about depression and suicidal ideation. She denied both so she passed that test. In the last month I've dealt with 3 suicidal individuals, so yeah, I flat out asked her mental health status.

I have therapy again Monday afternoon. We'll see how it goes.

Robert

2

The nurse came by today to check on the foot that I accidentally hacked at while managing it. It looks good, she said. It's healing nicely.

Right now there are no major worries, which is kind of a worry to say. I feel like as soon as I say I'm ok that it's a cue for things to go haywire.

The only issue I have right now is my lungs, fatigue and endurance issues. No blood clots or anything like that. Fatigue goes with the territory but my lung capacity situation does not. She gave me some exercises to do and told me she'd be back in a week.

We're still working on my walking and stamina. I still can't feel much in the legs and feet but pain, and they do not desire to hold me. I concentrate very hard while walking but I tend to forget where one foot is, so it gets shut in stuff or left behind and stumbled over.

I'm trying to get used to the feeling of walking in shoes. What a strange feeling. I look like a dog when you put snow boots on him. The control is loose and wild, like I don't know how to place my foot. I walk much better without shoes.

In CNA news, it's been a quiet and relaxing week with a timely, good worker. I DON'T get to keep her because she has no car insurance and therefore can't take me to the store or to doctor appointments. However, she's on time, works well and does not stress me out.

Ya know, sending me a CNA without car insurance is a problem with these companies. Sending me a great CNA without car insurance is insult to injury after the last fiasco! I wish I could keep her but I require a CNA with legal transportation. The company is well aware she doesn't have insurance and they let her drive other clients around. I don't do it though, so, I lose a great fit again.

Despite several extreme cases with my care givers, there were a number of temporary people like her to come through here with out drama. I've been verbal on the blog concerning the difficulties but not so much about the ones like I had this week. I intend to remind Dr D of the many times I said to him that I had a quiet week with a CNA because I refuse to have it sounds like I can't be happy and satisfied. Yes, the issue of guilt and fault still troubles me, just not to the same degree. So, while I recognize the good CNAs, it is the extreme drama that disrupts and unhinges me.

I'm pleased with my nurse. She is always professional and kind. I hope to have better lung functioning and improvement with endurance when I see her next Friday.

Faith

I'm trying to manage in my head that this all is not my fault. It only takes someone to hint that it is and my head gets all messed up. Right now it doesn't matter to me why I worry stuff is my fault, I'm just trying to say that it feels really bad to be thought of as a problem. So, I'm struggling with that right now.

To help matters, I got a call from the CNA company concerning the issues with CNA 1 and 2 as well as the chicken salad situation. They took responsibility for it and said they realized I was having a rough patch with cna's right now. It was helpful to hear from a supervisor that the company realizes the problem isn't me but the individuals being sent.

I talked to my CICOA representative who also said its the poor quality of individuals being hired that's the problem, not me. She shook her head in disbelief at the details surrounding the CNA and the suicide threats here.

I try to be "good" because being labeled "bad" hurts too much. I was always told I'm bad and trouble, a burden. Everything was my fault. It was as if I had the power to destroy the world in one mistake. I didn't know when I'd destroy lives but I was told I was and could make people unhappy. I was a horrible person, destroying everything I touched, ruining innocent people.

There was a time I found out that a friend had cancer. I didn't want to be around her for fear I'd somehow make her sicker. Forget that she was stage 4 skin cancer, it felt like my badness had somehow made her sick! That's when I knew I had to work on my perception of my badness. I mean, that's a lot of power, to sicken someone clear across the country!!! How did I get this super power to destroy lives since very young? I am not the devil. I don't ruin and destroy everything I touch. It was yet another lie I was told, brainwashing and emotional abuse.

Today I'm trying to toss out the idea that I am bad and that I ruin lives and opportunities, that everything is my fault and nothing good can stay with someone so bad and undeserving. These thoughts are not welcome and I'm not accepting them today. What I'm going to do is get up and work on a project that I know I can complete successfully. This will boost my spirits and confidence and help put my mind on a healthier track. Forget all I was told by my sadistic mother. Those thoughts and memories are not welcome. I'm powerful enough to push them away. Robert

5

My first response was to panic. I needed to hear him tell me he doesn't think the CNA situations are my fault. He said he doesn't but he also said that it might not be that black and white, that I may be contributing to the issues. I reminded him that my last regular CNA was BiPolar, off her medication and suicidal. There's no way on earth that has anything to do with me. What about the one who volunteered the information that I look gay to her and then made fun of me for limping while walking? Did I add to that? Or the other day when a CNA came and told me she wanted me to help make my chicken salad and I told her that two people making chicken salad in the kitchen is too much. She asked me if I wanted to stir the salad and I said no. She then turned around, put the bowl in my face and said, "Stir." I looked dead at her and said, "No." About that, Dr. D said, "Others don't experience this same level of conflict that you have with the CNA's." I said, that's not true, and tell me you don't think this is my fault. He said no, I don't but I also don't think it's that black and white. I said, I do. When they bring drama to my home it's them bringing it, not me. No where else in my life do I have this type of difficulty. Besides, I know too many other people with a CNA that have this type of problem. This is not my fault. So. I figure I'm going to shut up about it. Forget this whole thing about processing it out cause clearly I'm just irritating people, him. I'm done trying to justify myself in the middle of insanity. That's what it is too. When someone shoves a bowl in your face and demands that you help make chicken salad after you already told them no twice, then the problem is with them. People know for certain that home nurses abuse because shows have been on TV about it. Why do you think people have hidden cameras in their home when a CNA comes in? Because they're trouble. Because they abuse. Because the stories patients tell are so over the top that they're not believable at times so the person who isn't the patient has to see it for themselves. What they seem dumbfounds them. The patient has been telling the truth the whole time. Yes, CNA's are trouble. Nurses are trouble. Once you bring them in your home the whole dynamic changes from professional to abusive and insane. But who is it that gets questioned and disbelieved? The patient. The patient!!!! And that really makes me angry that my therapist would actually go there with me. Pathetic.

Update : Today the company reached out to me and said they understand that things have been crazy and that they are sorry for the drama. They said they are sorry I had so much on me and that they are working to fix things. The call was needed so that I don't feel like a problem client. I just can't have this be my fault! so I'm happy they called to fix things and say they understand it's them and not me. It's so important that I not be viewed as a problem or bad.

Robert

2

I've processed this out in my head a bit because when it happened it got under my skin.

Yesterday one of the CNAs said several times, the reason she didn't work out here is because I'm "not used to working with adults" and she's used to "working with a different clientele." She said she doesn't like the clientele this particular company assigns her. Even now as I write it I'm like, really, a different clientele?

When she talked down to me that way, it fed into my issues. Her words stung deeper than they should have. My head heard her say that I'm not mature and that I can only relate to children, not adults. I can't hold an adult relationship.

I just said in another entry that my own mother couldn't hold an adult relationship if tried.

So the question I asked myself is this, can I hold adult relationships? Yes. I can and do. I had to counter the inner message that I'm broken, a broken child. To do so, I began to list my relationships.

I hold healthy and simi-healthy adult relationships. I have many friends that I see on a regular basis. I'm closer with some than others. I have a range of friendships from close inner circle to casual friends. I have friends from the internet as well as acquaintances from the internet, all adult relationships. So the answer is yes.

The CNA may not have even meant that I can't hold adult relationships. But talking down to me triggered my issues, issues my brain struggled to untangle.

When stuff like this comes up, I can either swallow it down or process it and move forward. I choose to move forward.

Faith

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