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A good friend sent me this photo because she could see me doing this. I do have a love affair with lavender, some call it an addiction. It started innocently enough. I used it for anxiety but fell in love with the scent and color. So now, even when I'm not anxious, I use it.

Lavender is in my shampoo but not the conditioner. It's sprayed on my pillows, is in my teddy bears, and the floor. Why is there lavender on the floor? I fall a lot and sometimes it's hard to get up. If I'm going to be down there awhile, it might as well be pleasant. Too, I do yoga on the floor on my mat, so I want that comfort and aroma then, too.

I'm not yet sweating lavender drops. I do not have purple tears. Purple Rain is one of my favorite songs.

Lavender is diffused, put in my nostrils, in lotions and on the scarves I wear that hang in front of my face. Yes, I have a lavender problem but, I've not been constantly writing about overwhelming anxiety either, so something is working. šŸ˜ It is working. I don't use any pharmaceuticals to ease anxiety, just essential oils and dried lavender in my bears.

I primarily use lavender essential oils by Young Living for shampoo and lotions. I only use Young Living for my nostrils. I use the Now product for everything else. Breaking away from lavender, I use Chamomile in my hair conditioner.

Faith

2

I was able to go in to see Dr D today. It was good to see him. It feels like forever when its only been a few weeks. I talk to him every Monday though. Anyway, the kids stayed out the entire time. Between Michelle and Ariel (6) there was no time given to anyone else. He does fine talking to them, but it wears me out. I've been fighting a headache after the whole thing, which I hear is common.

Michelle went over some art created while trying to deal with her anxiety. She talked about how she is being helped by lavender essential oils. Since we don't leave home often, it never occurred to us that we might need it while out. I'll make sure to have some on a scarf so that it is right there for us to use.

I didn't realize how close of a friendship Robert and the little ones have. It's possible for them to talk back and forth and hear each other clearly whereas I usually have to listen really, really hard to hear them or rely on their letters and notes to me. I can't communicate with Robert as easily as Michelle can. I was shocked by how clear their communication was today.

Although subject matter wasn't heavy, switching to a child personality is exhausting emotionally and physically. Since my nurse was the one who took me to therapy and she doesn't know I have DID, I had to immediately come forward and ride home with zero time to transition from therapy head to normal head.

Nope, the nurses and aids don't know about the multiple personality disorder. I usually don't tell people about it, unless of course they're total strangers on the internet. Most of my friends don't know and don't need to know. Only about 5, my closest inner circle, know.

When nurses are around I, Jordan, stay out. How, I don't know, but I do. I, and everyone inside, will answer to the name Faith. At home alone people come and go as they please. The kids know their boundaries and don't try to cook or make tea. No one leaves the house on their own. The kids are good about knowing house rules so it's ok for them to come out when we're alone. The older teens look after each other, too. We're a good group.

As far as art goes, I'm working on 5 art projects that will be completed soon. I'm working on one small doll and one doll bag holder. My second home nurse, the one that comes on Fridays, says she may take the doll bag holder for her mom. I'll still post photos though.

Last but not least, there's been a bit of talk inside about taking a break from Facebook. I don't know for how long but I'm throwing around the idea. Facebook has its place in small quantities. I'm thinking of a lot less after a break.

Jordan

1

hate life renewed energy Sundrip

I Can Keep Going was drawn by Robert (19) with writing by Michelle (12).

What stands out in this piece for me is the brick wall on the shoulders of the largest figure. We are feeling a lot of pressure right now.

I like how Michelle processes things: This is how I feel. This is the reality. This is supporting truth.

I've not been suicidal but life has felt like a burden, emotionally and physically painful. Several factors played into not getting enough sleep so that was a problem, too. Each day is a struggle that feels like a losing battle but the reality is I've made progress and I'm moving forward in many healthier ways. I slip up, like the other day with self harm, but I also put in place safety plans and try to find ways to help myself. Lavender in the nose and on my feet has helped tremendously, so has the art sketchbook. It feels like a losing battle but it is not. I know I can keep going, and I will.

The art piece was created in watercolor and is 7.5 x 10 inches on 98lb paper.

Robert

words fma

Content: Suicide. Blood. Emotional angst.

Cruel Words was painted by several of us. What strikes me is how affected I was by the suicide of the CNA's friend.

In the drawing there are heads blown off the people in the trees. That's a first for drawings and hopefully the last. I know the kids inside were very affected by the suicide. Having her cry in our arms that way was very heavy.

I fired my regular CNA who had cruel words for me. Anxiety is already high for us, we don't need to worry about the mouth of our CNA and what she will say that'll hurt.

The grumpy CNA is pregnant with three weeks left. It is entirely possible that her change of attitude is purely hormonal, however, the irritability and weariness she caused couldn't be tolerated. It is also true that I can't justify asking an 8 month pregnant woman to lift my wheelchair and take me to the doctor. I feel horrible asking her to do my laundry or run the sweeper. The girl is tired and irritable! Dang!!!

I like her but the change in her isn't safe for my personal issues, ya know? I talked to her about why I fired her and she said she knows she's hormonal and understands. I even told her it's about time to take maternity leave because she can't be at my house when her water breaks. lol. I can't handle that. I don't know nothin about birthin no babies.

Firing my CNA was the right thing to do. I was walking on eggshells in my own home and that can't be. So, on to the next chapter in the CNA Saga.

The art piece was created in watercolor and is 7.5 x 10 inches on 98 lb paper.

Robert

2

Fish Face Insanity by Sundrip

My neighbor has Schizophrenia. A different neighbor says it's not a mental illness but that he has demons. She inaccurately applied Scripture, which I quickly corrected, but its still on my mind and still bothers me.

She has no idea what comments like that do to a person with a mental illness. Though I corrected her, its not my job nor is it my desire to be the grand educator. I don't want to sit down the ignorant and set them straight, I just want to fight my battle without their words spinning in my universe.

When she said he has demons I thought to myself, she should never find out that I have Multiple Personality Disorder! That for sure would make her think I have Legions of demons in me.

disolve by robert Sundrip

When younger my mother used to tell me that my demons were upsetting her. My mother knew I had DID when I was at least a young teenager. She knew Morton by name and called him a demon. She said I'm possessed because of being a bad person. That too has stayed with me. I fight with the thought, that I'm a bad person, but I no longer fight the fear of having demons. My mother's reason for saying it wasn't ignorant beliefs it was cruelty and abuse. My sister knew I had others, too. She used to call out a young one to play. I don't know if she still remembers that or not.

You know, I got to thinking, mental illness isn't for the weak or ignorant. A person with a mental illness has to be one of the strongest people around because we have to fight tooth and nail just to keep our head above water. Then you add life events with it and you've got yourself one serious storm. We are not weak for having a mental illness, not even close.

The drawings included were created in the last few days as a way to survive myself.

Robert

4

Content: Anxiety. No self harm. Fill in CNA's friend committed suicide. Regular CNA troubles.

The day has been mostly good but with a lot of anxiety. We seemed to manage it better though. There was an instance when we wanted to cut but Michelle said rather quietly, "May I have some lavender?" We promptly put it in our nose and on our feet to help relax us immediately. I was so pleased she asked for assistance.

Here's some of her artwork throughout the entry.

My regular CNA is on holiday vacation which means I've had a fill in for two days. The first day went fine but today the fill in CNA checked her Facebook status and found out one of her friends killed himself. She lost it right here so I held her while she cried. She left in tears an hour after arriving. I can only shake my head at the amount of drama brought in this house by CNA's. It's not her fault her friend killed himself but dang, I should not hold my CNA like a child while she weeps, but I did.

Tomorrow my regular CNA returns and she's going to be rather upset with me because I spoke to her supervisor about some of the things she's been saying to me that are totally out of line. I talked to her about being on time and she told me if I didn't like her showing up late I could get someone else. (Sigh) I told her she was 20 min late to her shift and it mattered especially since she doesn't stay to make up that time. She said, I was here at 9 am but I stayed in the car to eat my breakfast. (Sigh)

The other day she told me my meal smelled bad. She said, "This stinks!" Then when she was putting Miracle Whip on my sandwich she told me her family doesn't eat Miracle Whip and that it "stinks!" (Sigh) I talked to her supervisor. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but that's okay because today isn't over and today is half way decent. Despite holding a sobbing, pregnant, fill-in CNA whose friend killed himself, despite interrupted sleep, I've had a decent day. I think the best thing is knowing that Michelle is aware that she can ask for help when she needs it.

I've got enough lavender to last until the end of the month, then I'll hit up Amazon for a large bottle of it.

I wonder why CBD oil doesn't work for my anxiety? I've switched from Medical Marijuana (MMJ) to CBD oil and CBD isolate but they do nothing, zero, zip, for anxiety. I don't think the MMJ did much for my anxiety either. It helped with pain but it didn't do much for Michelle.

I've sipped tea, let Michelle paint and have done some relaxation techniques to manage the symptoms. Right now the anxiety is pretty high so I'm going to get off here and put some lavender in my nose and on my feet. Time to sip some tea and maybe do a little reading. I've still got a few hours left in this day and I plan to survive them well. I think I'll make a sandwich, a large, stinky sandwich.

Jordan

1

As one can imagine, last night was rather rough. I believe I came to a pass where I refused to accept anymore stress that eats me up and spits me out.

Depression flattens me on my back, anger makes me get up and move. Last night I got up and moved. I moved past the laying in bed immobile point to trying to figure out how to get a handle on things. My first weapon is aromatherapy, lavender.

Before the bomb went off (health issues) I had a house full of smelly good things. Lavender was everywhere and it helped me quite a bit. I even had it in my carpet because I figured if I fell and was down there a bit I'd at least have comfort. I need to bring lavender back in my life in a huge way.

In recent days I've been using my lavender oil reserve in my humidifier which helps relax me very much. I've got just enough to make it through the month then I'm going to have to stock up from Amazon. I hear the NOW brand is pretty good so I thought I'd try it out. It's also in my price range. What I use on my foot is from Young Living and it isn't cheap stuff by any means. I've been getting it for $10-$15 off w/ no shipping which makes it more affordable, but I'll be dag on if I put it in the humidifier. I sometimes put too many drops in the humidifier so that even my neighbors are relaxed. lol.

I wonder if I could help my poor neighbor by accidentally putting too much PeaceĀ andĀ Calming in the humidifier which is placed by a shared vent. Anyway! The man didn't stop screaming until 3am. I didn't get to sleep until 8am and had to be up at 10am. Hard night for sure but made easier with lavender.

Back to my own issues.....Before the health bomb I changed my sheets every Monday then spritzed them with homemade lavender spray. I used fresh lavender in water then lightly sprayed the sheets and pillows with it. I need to get back to that.

I made my own lavender infused oil which I can now do again because I've finally replaced the equipment that didn't make the move. This isn't the kind of oil I can put in my humidifier though, it's the kind that can be ingested for anxiety relief as well as used in my hair. I use a French Press to press out the lavender flowers and get that beautiful, strong scent. It's wonderful stuff.

Of course there's lavender tea. I found that lavender infused Earl Grey is wonderful. It was an accident but man I love that stuff. I also love Earl Grey with raspberry leaves.

By way of my tea collection I have an arsenal of weapons against anxiety. I remember that now and will do what needs to be done to sip and humidify my way to less stress. Lavender in many forms has it's rightful place in my weapons cache.

This isn't going to be easy. Anxiety seems at war with me. It wants to eat me up, destroy my happy spirit. Right now, I'm a bit too angry to lay down and take it.

Jordan

1

I've been struggling so much with anxiety associated with flashbacks and memories. Lately my dreams have been horrible. Everything from rape to my sister being stabbed violently over and over again. There have been medical flashbacks, too, where I wake and think I'm in the hospital still.

Last Wednesday there was self harm, which my therapist is aware of. He never freaks out about it. As a matter of fact he shows so little concern it's not even funny. He asked me no questions about if I'm safe or not. He just asked what was going on inside that was so big that I began to self harm. I can't remember how he phrased it but we moved on from it rather quickly.

Dr. D says that whatever Michelle remembers is what's causing her anxiety and the flashbacks. So here I am awake right now, nervous, rocking, full of despair. I don't know what to do with her or for her but evidently she and Dr. D are going to work on some things.

I'm not suicidal at all. It's just that the anxiety and despair get so heavy I can't tolerate it and self harm comes to mind.

It's nearly midnight and I'm still awake. I should sleep but I just found out my grandmother is dead. I wrote a very angry post that I feel half way bad about and half way like I should just leave it up.....maybe set it to private or something like that cause it isn't in the least bit Christian saying she should be dead. I don't know........ I think it figures that I wasn't contacted about it. I wasn't contacted about my brother's death either. They just let me find out on the net just like her and everyone else who has died. Let me look it up. Forget it. It's too late to think about that right now.

I don't want to sleep, not with the dreams I've been having.

I have a Schizophrenic neighbor who isn't helping matters much. He keeps screaming all day and night. They're in the very sad process of evicting him. I hate that but I need a break, just a few hours without hearing him scream, "F**k you. F**k you. I'm gonna f**king kill you." This is what I've been listening to for days on end and I'm certain it's now affecting me. He bangs on the walls, sounds like he's dropping a bowling ball on the floor and just keeps on screaming his head off. Then he turns his music on really, really loud but he can be heard screaming even over the music. I want it to stop. I want him to feel better. I feel very bad for his situation but man do I need a rest from the screaming.....as does he. He's been evicted. I wonder where he'll go. I hope wherever it is they make sure he's taking his medication cause on his own he's in terrible shape.....as are his neighbors.

3

Not Strong Enough fma

Today is one of those days where I feel the weight of what happened in the hospital. I feel shocked, stunned, grieved. I can only describe it as a train wreck where I can still hear the sound of metal crumbling around me. What I feel today must be what I was feeling when I drew and painted in this image with the caption: There's more to do. I'm not strong enough.

We went over the image in therapy and talked about the butterflies included and how they symbolize transformation. Also significant is the green under the eyes which I used to stand for goals of growth and keeping focused on them. Despite that focus there's dissociation (figures in the tree) to fight as well as feelings of trauma and grief symbolized by the hanging figure between the eyes. Hanging on is my main focus. It's what's between my eyes. No matter what, just hang on. That's what I think the girl in the middle is doing.Ā 

I look at the color of the dress of the girl hanging on and realize it 'should be' a shade of red, however, it is orange paint that drips into red. In my art therapy pieces, orange symbolizes ambiguity, mixed emotions, indecision. Then of course there's the spiral in the throat. I started that about a year ago when it became very difficult for me to verbalize my feelings. As if through a hole in my neck, the words escaped me.

Recently I've felt like an idiot trying to talk, so I just didn't. I didn't email or write on this blog for a number of days (never a good thing for me). I just got quiet. Today I feel better equipped to put two words together but I also feel worn thin by it all.Ā 

Tomorrow is another much needed therapy session. Like every Monday, it's over the phone. However, I'll be going in to his office every other Friday to see him. In the Friday sessions, Michelle will get dedicated time where she'll talk about her own art and issues. The goal is for her to do some healing, too.

Faith

5

Half of Us

In therapy we talked about the unfinished image "Both of Us", drawn by Robert over a two day period. We spent a lot of time on it because it drew us into a discussion about being co-conscious and more integrated.  My emotions are more integrated and more identifiable.

I showed him 4 drawings total. Three of the drawings were done by Robert. When Robert draws himself in work, it is important to him for Dr. D to see the image of Robert. He doesn't want to be overlooked or looked through. To be ignored and overlooked is painful for anyone. 

We talked about the colors and why I use certain colors. We talked about how different it is that Robert used yellow on the face in his drawing. We don't do yellow at all. Hate yellow. Of course he asked why and I just told him. My mother's mattress had yellow flowers on it. There were too many times I had my face buried in that yellow and that's all I could see. I hate that color to touch me now. I use it in art to mean negative things. For it to touch his face tells me there's some sort of guilt or maybe flashbacks that he is dealing with. Yellow in art is explained on my art therapy page. It's also interesting that the pants worn by the girl in the upper left corner is wearing yellow pants. This just doesn't happen, not even in art. 

My Sister by Michelle

The image to the side was drawn by Michelle in pencil. Dr. D noted that the people are in typical fashion from what I used to draw.  He says the people have a look of despair and trauma on their faces. It's funny, I don't set out to make my images look this way. I just start drawing what I feel. I think its the same for others inside. Everyone just draws what they feel. The painting or coloring in is according to our color chart that we've had for who knows how long. 

We discussed how it feels to have a 12 year old alter around who doesn't want to be called anything but her own name and doesn't want to be mistaken for Faith.

Dr. D called Michelle the last hold out, then laughed. Yeah. Everyone else is on board with knowing and understanding what it means to have DID. We know how we got here and why we have DID but this one kid ain't havin' it. She can't accept that she is not separate. She hasn't yet learned that what she does affects the rest of us and what we do affects her. We're a system..... We take care of each other.

She wants her own sketchbook but we won't let her do it. She draws and paints in the community book just like everyone else. 

There's guilt associated with 'causing' us to feel anxious whenever she's around. Her anxiety is always very, very high.  

Speaking of high, Dr. D and I discussed differences in artwork when I'm high. He asked if there's a difference in noise level in my head when I'm high. Yes. I can hear the alter personalities clearer so it feels louder at times with pot, but there's also a calm that covers us all. It works out well if I eat it. I had it in hot chocolate the other day. Turns out that homemade honey cake with weed is pretty good. That one was new for me.

Last but not least, Michelle got her snails in the mail today. How totally cool is that! All the way from Greece! She keeps saying, I would have been happy even if they'd been from across the street but no one had snails that they were selling locally.  I think it's totally cool that they're from Greece. It just sort of happened that way and I'm glad it did.

Jordan 

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