I was thinking about how many doctors have told me my body is resistant to treatment. Hearing that in my head made me think, well, if that's the case then I'd better get to moving along before this treatment is rejected. At this time I'm able to leave the house. This treatment allows me to be 50% of who I used to be, which gives me 50% to work with until my body rejects it.
I've been switching personalities quite a bit lately. I have such strong feelings of uncertainty. Strangely enough, my schedule is more stable than it's been in a long time, yet my focus is off, my ability to concentrate and complete one task is difficult.
I scheduled a tea party with Red but forgot Snow is coming over that day. I do need Snow's help. I need help getting my bed made and getting some laundry done.
I got out for a walk the other day and found some more moss for my 12 x 12 moss garden. I'm having a blast doing this. I like to watch things grow. I have grow lights.
Anxiety is intense right now. I want to get up, get my drawing pad and scribble some. I want to lay in the fetal position and rock. I want to go deep in my head where it might be quiet and where this anxiety isn't so intense. ...continue reading "DID. Anxiety. Art."
What's wrong with you?
I'm angry. Yup, I guessed that.
I'm wearing it like a blanket that I refuse to remove. What are you wearing under the blanket?
Skill. Love. Motivation. Ok, I wasn't expecting those things. I thought you were going to say exhaustion, vulnerability, etc.
If you ask me, those are the reasons I have chosen to keep the blanket on. Is it worth it?
My goodness, I'm so angry, and this depression feels like a garrote. I want to get up and eat dinner. I'd like a shower. What's stopping you?
I want to run my business and post art. I want to have my cat near instead of pushing her away. What's stopping you?
Listen, Faith, listen. Let's think about the last year, no, we're going back to the last 3 years. In the last 3 years you've had more physical pain than your mother put you through in the 20 years you lived with her. That is not an exaggeration. You have broken teeth from biting down so hard to endure what was happening to your body. During pain attacks your body responded in ways that the body responds when it is writhing. In those situations you've destroyed bedding, vomited on the cat and tore at your clothing as you screamed. You went mad Faith, like anyone else would. Do you understand that?
It's confirmed. I've managed to have enough to get there for three days, then return. Betty said, "You know I'm going to worry." Yup, I do, but, I'm going! I haven't been able to travel since 2012. I refuse to ever ride down with mom again. Never! OMG! That woman has a PhD in nagging. Oh my gosh! This year I'm riding with Wonka and his wife Blue. They have 10 year old twin boys and a girl about 13 yrs old. I call the twins the dynamic duo.
Again, there will be 7000 people. Dr. D asked a long time ago how I'll handle the noise. It's a different kind of noise. It's not a concert. It's certainly nothing like going to a super Walmart with 7000 people . For that, I'd call in sick. The person beside me won't yell Amen. No one will fall in the aisle unless they're disabled. Jumping around and screaming out doesn't mix well with PTSD.
Times 32 on the multifunctional remote, flash blurred scenes for you. My eyes have processed them all, bit by bit, no translation of hue or tone lost to speed.
I see. I hear. I can't make it stop.
Pulled plugs, short circuit, a hundred failed attempts to rewire.
Still I hear
every car honk, every cellphone ring and every exasperated, exhausted,
needy inner plea, burned in the screen of my mind .
This may look familiar. I've had it forever. "The Tin Man". He also reminds me of a puppet on strings and the need for freedom. From what?
From the things that wrap around pnd me. I feel tangled. I feel lost, pulled in several different directions, floating above unstable ground. MY HEART IS BROKEN and I can't seem to make it stop hurting.
Go here and get twisted around so you'll feel better and, less pain.
Go here and for this doctor's magic.
I just want to see my therapist again. I want to remember his face. I saw him in person today but he was so blurry. I couldn't see him.
I was betrayed.
I did exactly as I was told. I was told that if I take opiates exactly as I was told, I would be fine. I'm not fine!
I did not abuse my medication. I did not take more than I was supposed to take. As a matter of fact I was afraid of the medication, because I did not want to be an addict or one with a body dependent on the medication. But here I am 4 years later and I have been hospitalized because of the seizures and the sheer force of my body's refusal to accept that I will not continue to put opiates in it.
Have you ever had a person tell you a "poor me" story and you just didn't want to hear It'it? Its a legitimate grief and loss,however, I just couldn't listen to it.... I wanted to get mean with her. I wanted to tell her she's not the only person in the world that has problems.
The entire time I thought these things, I couldn't say them. I couldn't do it. I wanted to slap her. I want tell her to get a grip, get herself together. Get up and shut up!.... yet that cruelty could not be justified. We all have a day when we have met the wrong person at the wrong time. But no matter where we are, there is no satisfaction in causing harm to another person. There's always plenty of time to stop and think,but there is not enough time in the world to take back hurtful words we've said.
UPDATE - A positive update hasn't been written yet. Please remember that my emotions are all over the place as I come off of Percocet 10-325mg for a legitimate health issue. I'm spent.
This is true - he said that fms is a chemical response. That is a true statement. FMS is a chemical embalance. I have known that for a good long time but how dare I say it with just a city college education? Doctors don't listen to each other let alone me.
Fear causes a chemical response. Depression, joy, arousal, pain. The body has to process these chemicals correctly or you are screwed. That's a very simplistic way to explain it. When he said it to me I about fell over because I've believed it for a long time. PTSD can jack up your adrenal system something fierce because of the flood of adrenaline all the time. The body was never meant to be abused, especially by its own chemical make up and system of nerves. ...continue reading "My emotions are raw – POSITIVE UPDATE"
For me, no matter why a relationship ends prematurely, it still feels like a huge personal failure.
I saw the pain specialist (Dr Red) for the last time today. I'll see the new one soon. I can only shake my head at how things went with her. My general practitioner is on his way out, too. He's cocky, dismissive and condescending. Dr Red is argumentative and unapproachable. Both places usually end in tears and upset. I hate ending a professional relationship (or any) just because the other person refuses to have a reasonable conversation.
I should have left Dr Red a long time ago but I wanted to lay down some roots with a doctor so that we could make marked progress. To uproot is to pause progress for a list of medical issues that fall under the category of "morbidity" and "guarded". I need every advantage I can get. ...continue reading "Rejection and Endings"