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There were only two of us but we had a nice time. We didn't do anything formal, just tea and cake. One can make tea and cake sound stuffy if important facts are left out. I had the tea already and she brought Little Debbie's. It was a nice visit though with some catching up as well as learning about one another.

I'm just now getting to know her. Interestingly enough, her mother was my foster mother making her a foster sister when I was a child. Small world isn't it?

It's sometimes difficult to be in the same room with someone who knows way too much about me, especially since I didn't get to pick and choose what she knows.  My sister decided this exposure for me which I find unacceptable and disempowering. I don't know what preconceived ideas she has about me, I only know she seems to like me...and yet I don't trust it. Why? In general I don't trust women. That is first and foremost but there's also the concern of being judged. ...continue reading "Tea, Chat and Trust"

Slaw

Art Title: Slaw
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Size: 8.5 x 5.5 inches
Media: Watercolor, ink
Finish: signed, dated, heat sealed, unmounted
Style: Outsider Art, Surreal

I think my friend Angie got me started on watercolor pens. I'm happy she did. I all but ruined my first set but have since acquired a new set which I totally love. My next art supply purchase will be a second small pallet I can take with me to therapy. As it turns out, the watercolors have taken on a large role in art during therapy sessions.

Mother has crazy eyes I never knew what would come out of her mouth. I never knew what mood she would be in. What I did know is what to expect when she got that look in her eye. I knew to expect horror.

The art piece was created by making lines and loops. The piece has all kinds of hidden objects in the head / hair of the woman. He face is deformed, her head is full and her eyes are crazy.

When you first look at her it all blends together but a longer, closer look shows shapes that form fish, a mask, a horse and other objects. As usual, the colors are vivid. I've added swirls and checks but I started with just loops and lines.

8.5 x 5.5 on 98lb art paper. Art therapy journal.

Today during therapy I drew a large tree. At first I kept messing up. I couldn't get the branches right. After I started really talking I was able to punch out the tree exactly how I wanted it.

Faith

I'm not your Problem Girl anymore.

Problem Girl
Problem Girl - Redbubble.com

And no, I'm not Silent anymore.

PTSD Silence, I fly -Redbubble prints
Silence Redbubble

Digital art by fma

Content: Discussion of child torture and sexual abuse, the affects of emotional abuse, feeling hated during violent abuse, dental appointment

Species Yesterday the dentist used a very triggering phrase, 'open your mouth wide and keep it open.' I did but I couldn't keep my head together. I just lost it. I was in the chair feeling so small. In my head I thought, you let her do it. You were too scared to say no so you opened your mouth and you let her hurt you. The woman standing above me repeatedly changed from dentist to my mother. I see myself as nothing, just nothing.

The mother stopped sometimes and I could see her eyes. there was no smile, just the face of someone that seemed so big and so fierce that I let her do whatever she wanted, even when it was excruciating. ...continue reading "Taking off her mask. The branded child."

1

Content: Discussion of child torture and sexual abuse, the affects of emotional abuse, feeling hated during violent abuse, dental appointment

Marked - cropped
watercolor sunflower page

I just thought, I was taught to hate me. I was taught that I don't deserve mercy, so when I think of myself as a child, I feel the contempt that burned beside the torture.

I remember the little girl in the same light my mother put her in. That could be the difference between feeling compassion towards other survivors but struggling to give it to myself. I don't see other survivors as bad but I remember my young self with the mask they put on her. That mask was created by them. It was created with words like; liar, disgusting, dog, disobedient, disloyal, unlovable, laughingstock, disruptive, manipulative, bad things happen because of me. Then there's the one that gets me. She said, You'll do anything with your mouth. She'd say it with a mocking giggle. ...continue reading "Taking off her mask. Who will she be?"

7

As I understand it, there has been an increase in reports of emotional triggers caused by the active abuser known as the 45th President of the United States. His inauguration has increased the stress level of people with depression as well as survivors of abuse. Why? Because his narcissism, public shaming, paranoia and threats, mirror the abuses we suffered.

Donald Trump is controlling, angry, arrogant and verbally abusive. He abuses his power with impunity. Rules don't apply to him.  Like our abusers, he pits one side against another for his selfish gain. He lies and creates situations that keep everyone running in circles then he blames the chaos on us. He says one thing in public but another in private. It is plain for many to see how destructive of a force he is, but just like with many abusers, nothing is being done to remove the threat. As a matter of fact, just like with our abusers, there are those who swear he's a good person and only has the greater good in mind. How could we possibly accuse him of anything other than being a good, hard working family man? Yes, President Donald Trump brings further harm to citizens trying to heal from an abuser like him. ...continue reading "The Mental Health Toll of President Donald Trump"

3

Content: Physical abuse and torture.

It took a bit for Robert to come out and talk to Dr. D. Robert and a little one kept switching places while trying to give away some of the details of what we went through.
Robert: I did all the hard stuff.
Dr. D: What do you mean?
Robert: If it hurt too much for the others then I had to do it.
Dr. D: Do you want to tell me more?
Robert: I want to tell you what she did to us.

I want to tell you what she did to us. That sentence had powerful meaning but I can't seem to explain myself. I've tried for a bit to explain why that sentence is important but I've deleted and started more times than I can count. It was almost like he needed to free himself of it.

I could see myself sitting there. I was squirming, wincing, wringing my hands. I painted as I spoke to him. Painting in session helps me focus better and gives someplace for extra anxiety to go.

In session painting using watercolor.

in session

Robert recounted one of the times the mother beat our lips with a wide tooth comb. She put me across her lap, held on to the handle of the comb and beat my lips.

Side 1 is below. Side 2 isn't complete.

in session

I had to make sure not to open my mouth because she'd hit my teeth and gums or somewhere else on my face. I lay there, in her lap. I wouldn't dare move. I was afraid of her. When she was done I'd get up and go to my room. I don't remember what I'd do after that.

I don't remember why the mother did that to me. She didn't do it often. I don't remember her doing that past the 4th grade.

We talked about a picture I drew that symbolized my mother but I'll have to write about that later. I'm going to sleep now.

I took Earl Grey with lavender to therapy. One time there was a soft scent of lavender that passed in front of my face and sort of got me grounded again. I liked that.

My head hasn't been right for the last few days. I want to suck my thumb. I want to get in the fetal position and cover my head. I want to glide a razor across my skin but I haven't. I've chosen to create instead.

I was able to get the new Abilify script filled and will start it tomorrow morning.

Robert

Content: Self image. Sexual abuse w/ frank speech at times. Discussion of the mother forcing a gender role for the purpose of abuse, hatred of men, degrading women, the mother's sexuality. It's a heavy entry, one difficult to write.

Page 2 of Miss Eyes I Want to Be UsefulWe  started off going over art pieces in my sketchbook. We talked about which color I've used most and changes in how I depict figures. One art piece not posted was drawn to signify how pervasive sexual abuse was in most aspects of my young life.

Dr. D asked why I add heavy markings below the eyes. I said its all about color significance and my own symbolism. (see art therapy gallery) When I put blue under the eyes I'm trying to say that no matter what I'm going through or how negative I feel about myself, I understand on a different level that these thoughts are based on lies.  I'm able to better see that my self image isn't based on reality but abuses as a youth and young adult. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Identity. Gender. The Mother’s Sexuality"

Spark
Double Therapy Page

Spark: Fire and Water now has a wall of its own. Soon it will be safely packaged up and sent on its journey.

Spark: Fire and Water is an art journal, two page spread that was offered in my Etsy shop.

Sparks of color fly as her eyes open wide to take in and hold all that grows around her. A signature of Sundrip is to have many hidden faces and objects that are seemingly random. This journal piece most certainly has the Sundrip signature along with bold chaos in color.

What will you see in this raw, collage art? You will see fragmented flowers, hair like waves of the sea, a blue girl. You'll see lines cross, curve and circle around holding tiny human figures. Crosshatch and stripes meet checkers and poles, then bring your eye back to the girl in the middle with doodles on her lips.

Two page collage and drawings in my art journal.

Faith

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