Category Archives: Art therapy

Featured Art Gallery: Orange

I updated the Featured Art Gallery page. This month’s feature will have a color theme. Color is important in my therapy process. Since Sundrip is about the art and artist trying to thrive it only makes sense I’d have an Art Therapy Gallery and speak openly about the role art has in my healing.

She's Green - Redbubble

She’s Green – Redbubble

The last feature spoke of the color blue and it’s meaning. This feature will focus on the color orange.

Orange in art therapy or art created as therapy symbolizes fleeting courage, self doubt, ambiguity. What I mean is, I’m faced with conflicting emotions or I am going to take action but I’m not quite secure in my steps.

Orange is a color that slides back and forth between red and yellow. Red in my art therapy stands for empowerment and positive self esteem. The other side of that is yellow which is for shame and all acts of depravity. When those two collide there’s a struggle to stabilize and sort out how I see myself and my situation.

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Therapy Review: Abuse. Sadism. Self Harm

The video is a quickly thrown together sound bite with several art pieces that fit the topic. Death of my brother as well as sexual abuse, suicidal ideation and self harm (cutting) are discussed along side art stills. Close to the end of the video one photo of a box of crayons is seen for several seconds, then the video ends. That crayon photograph marks a detailed discussion of first being abused.

Life without Crayons

No coloring books
No cousin to first touch as I held gray
to fill in a cat who chased
but never caught the mouse.
No crayons would mean no dowel rods on my three year old body because
liberties were taken.
Life without crayons would never ask if
dowel rods broke before my mind had to.

Life did change that day. She saw me differently. Whatever she didn’t beat out of me that day made her violently mad until I left home.

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Featured Art Gallery: Blue

The Brightest Star - Redbubble

The Brightest Star – Redbubble

I updated the Featured Art Gallery page. This month’s feature will have a color theme. Color is important in my therapy process. Since Sundrip is about the art and artist trying to thrive it only makes sense I’d have an Art Therapy Gallery and speak openly about the role art has in my healing. That’s scary though because I worry people will see the art has come from so deep that they won’t want to hang it on their walls. I’ve thrown around the idea of backing off explaining some of the art as I do but that’s not going to happen.

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Therapy Review: Suicidal Ideation. Safety Checks

I was awake until 9 am then got up and got ready for therapy. It reminded me of my college years where I had severe insomnia but I could get up, shower, get dressed, eat and be out of the house in a very short period of time.

local It was an odd day. The weather is beautiful. On the way I talked to my cab driver who has been taking me for about a year now. I really like her. Today on our way to therapy we got rear ended. I was wearing my seat belt but I didn’t have on my back brace. It was quite a jarring we got. My pain level sky rocketed making me sway, swoon almost in this rocking, sea sick kind of way. I was trying to gather myself so I didn’t throw up. I needed to get my pain down very quickly so for the first time in about a month I took half a pain pill. It helped for a bit. I started doing small pelvic movements to get fluids in that area to ease the pain. The movement is so small, in the car it wasn’t obvious to the driver.

I got to therapy and began reading the journal entries to Dr. D about suicidal ideation. Again my pain skyrocketed. For the first time in his career and the first time in therapy I got on the floor and did a few yoga stretches to relieve my back. it helped a good bit. I kept my shoes off.

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Can I grow like this? Are my roots deep enough?

Subject: PTSD from chronic illness, suicide comments, shame, on the upturn, not feeling positive

P17fieldfma - on the easel I wonder if it’s possible for a patient to have PTSD after going through several physical pain experiences? This chronic illness torture makes me want to slice myself from navel to nose and and climb right out of your skin because my mind just can’t take another second of the current pain.

I fear it. I fear the next flare up. I want to say that while on the up turn from this flare that I’ll take advantage of each day I have where my pain is baseline, but I don’t feel all gung-ho, lets get back to life, jump in the deep end. I’m not going to jump up and down and proclaim, “I’m happy to be alive!” Excuse me if I don’t celebrate surviving that. I could use some nachos but I’ll skip the party. I do feel refreshed after such good sleep since Tuesday evening. I feel a lot better but………. sigh………..I’m shell shocked……and I’m angry.

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Quiet and Uneventful

Wednesday was quiet and uneventful which is exactly how I like it here where the sun drips.

After a less than favorable awakening by Ms Kitty Extraordinaire, I played a few games of Swiped Gems Live and fell asleep. I got up a bit later and messed around with some Jade plants and a few other succulents. I messed around with the frogs, played with the cat then did some studying.

The Disconnect - AvailableThere were moments of high pain that I managed with heat and distraction but for the most part, Wednesday was quiet and lazy. I did run the vacuum in the entire apartment as well as dusting. It was well past 10 before I had the first meal of the day, egg rolls and tea.

I just realized now that it’s almost 8 am. I’d ask where the day has gone but I know I slept most of it away, which is what I planned and needed. I could use 2 or 3 more days like this and I believe I’d feel my normal separation from sanity as opposed to total disconnect. lol

After the amount of deep sleep gotten these last few days, I honestly feel like I am somewhat refreshed. A bit of assurance concerning the medical doctor situation has something to do with it. I’ll talk more about that later. For now, I’ll just say today was a good day.

At some point I think I’ll talk about this bedroom.

Jordan
8:22am EST January 2nd, 2017

Escape My Skin. Art. Suicide

*** Disclaimer below

Escape My Skin.
7×10 art journal. Escape my skin, oil stick and ink
I often feel defeated. I run from head, I run from my skin, always in fight or flight.

Dove
Dove – pencil on paper, sketch 7×10

I will smile. I may crack a joke but behind these eyes is a woman who is so tired that she just wants to put the covers over her head and cease to exist. Please, I don’t want to do this anymore, let me go. I don’t want to laugh with you anymore and I don’t want to rise to the occasion anymore.

You're just like her
Just Like Her – 7 x 10, art journal

February 14th is his birthday, him, that boy who dared to take his own life and tear out the hearts of others. January 28th, I’m a hypocrite. There is no plan, no action I’m going to take it’s just that it’s heavy on my heart and I’m tired.

*** This is not an entry saying I’m going to kill myself. I know this subject is uncomfortable and it’s scary but I will not manipulate nor will I ever write an entry saying I’m going to kill myself. I want to be very clear that I’m talking about feelings, not actions or a plan. Like I did before, I will walk in the hospital if I feel I am not able to remain ‘safe’ with my support system. Like every other subject, I am expressing and processing in a raw, unedited way.  Journal entry titles will give a good idea of major topics discussed.

Today’s agenda – Morning meds and more sleep.

Jordan

Escape My Skin. Art. Suicide. Rage

Tired Eyes. Cold Inside. Not everything has gone as planned. Things changed very quickly with accusations flying when I requested 30 pain pills to last 90 days.

Let me start from the beginning. I saw Dr. Yes Wednesday evening. He wanted me to see a pain specialist. I said okay. I called the people Friday morning to talk about an appointment. When she started talking about therapy and injections and another MRI with this and that test I stopped her. I explained that I’ve been through all that many times with no real results. I said what I really need is a doctor who understands that there are going to be flares I need help getting out of. I said, the steroids, though horrible, do help me but there are also times when my pain level is getting out of control and I need to take the edge off. I said, that’s why I’m requesting a script of 30 Vicodin every 90 days. Talking to Dr. Yes’s office Friday morning took a nasty turn from there.

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The inner cease fire

Hummingbird Homecoming w/ digital color - Redbubble

Hummingbird Homecoming – Redbubble

I know how to tear myself down brick by brick. I know how to destroy my wall of confidence and belief that I have a right to exist. I successfully wage war with myself so that I can not withstand the onslaught of insults and judgement smashing at the hull of my soul like cannon balls. Yes, I can wage war, but can I cease fire, better yet, can I seek peace with myselves?

Dr. D and I talked about my therapy goals for the year. A most difficult one will be to get a hold of anxiety and improve the way I talk to myself.

I know my focus is off. I know I start one task and then bounce to another but I don’t have to degrade myself for it. Also, I need to step back and see beyond what my head is telling me.

Today’s mental war

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The Silent Loud One

Ariel Knew it Would Rain - SOLD

Ariel Knew it Would Rain – SOLD

I did not expect this painting to ever be chosen, to be taken home. I couldn’t believe when I got the email telling me of the sale for “Ariel Knew it Would Rain.”

She’s art that’s difficult to look at because, though she is silent, her face tells you everything. What use does one have for a few words when they are the picture worth a thousand? I’m amazed and touched that she was purchased, and humbled too.

Sometimes I am so raw with my art. It is clear I’m not a happy camper. It’s clear the painting came from pain. When I do that I worry about saying exactly what the painting was about but recently I’ve taken more risks and just saying, hey, this is what I was thinking, this is what I felt before, during and after. It’s a risk I’ll continue to take because with art my voice is most authentic.

Faith