Art therapy

Heartbeat is in my sketchbook. She's 7 x 10 in ink and pencil. I'm going to have her enlarged before further work. Her heartbeat comes from her temples and stretches out to form the surface of the earth. Trees and flowers grow from her heartbeat.

Heartbeat .

Heartbeat - detail of crown.

She Realizes Her Totality
This is a half sheet pencil drawing with the same lines at the temples only the heartbeat lines go down and the face is divided. This piece is in my private sketchbook. I want a little bit of color on her but I don't want to do her in full color. I want it to be watercolor and to get it right I'm going to have to practice which means getting her printed so I can practice on something other than the original drawing.

Realize

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Today's therapy discussion focused on family matters: mother's thorough brainwashing and effective divisive tactics, scapegoating, emotional boundaries between myself and all birth family and a recap of nightmares from a few days back. After writing this entry I was reminded of the paintings "Resilience Tree," so I included them in the entry.

Resilience Tree

I was awake all night and until around 10:30 this morning. I had my session to go over the graphically violent and blood dream about cannibals and going to a psychiatric prison for the mentally insane because I was guilty of murdering my child self, the inner child of my sister and the inner child of my brother. I'll pick up more on that topic later.

We talked about the complete lack of protection from my mother: physical, emotional and spiritual responsibilities were ignored or out right withheld.

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I was nervous, again. Dr. D said it's normal for a person to feel some anxiety when going to a session, even when they've been in treatment a long time. We talked about the Passion Flower tincture I made and how effective it is. I keep forgetting to take it though. I still scribble to ease anxiety.

We talked about the two dreams and what I think they might mean. I told him that the dream where I was on the outside of the car while my mother and sister were inside reminds me of how I usually felt like an outsider in that family. I hated them for what they did and said. I hated secrets, most of all I didn't keep to the rules of Master and servant the way my sister did. After paying severely for running my mouth one would think I'd learn to keep it closed but nope. Sometimes I was annoyed or out right disgusted by their pretense and let it show on my face or I rolled my eyes and said, "Oh please!" I paid for it. I understand that death in dreams isn't always negative. In this case we all three died after recklessness by my mother. Recently the 'death' of hope that my sister and I will ever be anything other than relatives has settled in. That death means life without hoping in ghosts.

Lady in the Stars - Redbubble

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I updated the Featured Art Gallery page. This month’s feature will have a color theme. Color is important in my therapy process. Since Sundrip is about the art and artist trying to thrive it only makes sense I’d have an Art Therapy Gallery and speak openly about the role art has in my healing.

She's Green - Redbubble
She's Green - Redbubble

The last feature spoke of the color blue and it's meaning. This feature will focus on the color orange.

Orange in art therapy or art created as therapy symbolizes fleeting courage, self doubt, ambiguity. What I mean is, I'm faced with conflicting emotions or I am going to take action but I'm not quite secure in my steps.

Orange is a color that slides back and forth between red and yellow. Red in my art therapy stands for empowerment and positive self esteem. The other side of that is yellow which is for shame and all acts of depravity. When those two collide there's a struggle to stabilize and sort out how I see myself and my situation.

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The video is a quickly thrown together sound bite with several art pieces that fit the topic. Death of my brother as well as sexual abuse, suicidal ideation and self harm (cutting) are discussed along side art stills. Close to the end of the video one photo of a box of crayons is seen for several seconds, then the video ends. That crayon photograph marks a detailed discussion of first being abused.

Life without Crayons

No coloring books
No cousin to first touch as I held gray
to fill in a cat who chased
but never caught the mouse.
No crayons would mean no dowel rods on my three year old body because
liberties were taken.
Life without crayons would never ask if
dowel rods broke before my mind had to.

Life did change that day. She saw me differently. Whatever she didn't beat out of me that day made her violently mad until I left home.

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The Brightest Star - Redbubble
The Brightest Star - Redbubble

I updated the Featured Art Gallery page. This month's feature will have a color theme. Color is important in my therapy process. Since Sundrip is about the art and artist trying to thrive it only makes sense I'd have an Art Therapy Gallery and speak openly about the role art has in my healing. That's scary though because I worry people will see the art has come from so deep that they won't want to hang it on their walls. I've thrown around the idea of backing off explaining some of the art as I do but that's not going to happen.

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I was awake until 9 am then got up and got ready for therapy. It reminded me of my college years where I had severe insomnia but I could get up, shower, get dressed, eat and be out of the house in a very short period of time.

local It was an odd day. The weather is beautiful. On the way I talked to my cab driver who has been taking me for about a year now. I really like her. Today on our way to therapy we got rear ended. I was wearing my seat belt but I didn't have on my back brace. It was quite a jarring we got. My pain level sky rocketed making me sway, swoon almost in this rocking, sea sick kind of way. I was trying to gather myself so I didn't throw up. I needed to get my pain down very quickly so for the first time in about a month I took half a pain pill. It helped for a bit. I started doing small pelvic movements to get fluids in that area to ease the pain. The movement is so small, in the car it wasn't obvious to the driver.

I got to therapy and began reading the journal entries to Dr. D about suicidal ideation. Again my pain skyrocketed. For the first time in his career and the first time in therapy I got on the floor and did a few yoga stretches to relieve my back. it helped a good bit. I kept my shoes off.

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2 Comments

Subject: PTSD from chronic illness, suicide comments, shame, on the upturn, not feeling positive

P17fieldfma - on the easel I wonder if it's possible for a patient to have PTSD after going through several physical pain experiences? This chronic illness torture makes me want to slice myself from navel to nose and and climb right out of your skin because my mind just can't take another second of the current pain.

I fear it. I fear the next flare up. I want to say that while on the up turn from this flare that I'll take advantage of each day I have where my pain is baseline, but I don't feel all gung-ho, lets get back to life, jump in the deep end. I'm not going to jump up and down and proclaim, "I'm happy to be alive!" Excuse me if I don't celebrate surviving that. I could use some nachos but I'll skip the party. I do feel refreshed after such good sleep since Tuesday evening. I feel a lot better but.......... sigh...........I'm shell shocked......and I'm angry.

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Wednesday was quiet and uneventful which is exactly how I like it here where the sun drips.

After a less than favorable awakening by Ms Kitty Extraordinaire, I played a few games of Swiped Gems Live and fell asleep. I got up a bit later and messed around with some Jade plants and a few other succulents. I messed around with the frogs, played with the cat then did some studying.

The Disconnect - AvailableThere were moments of high pain that I managed with heat and distraction but for the most part, Wednesday was quiet and lazy. I did run the vacuum in the entire apartment as well as dusting. It was well past 10 before I had the first meal of the day, egg rolls and tea.

I just realized now that it's almost 8 am. I'd ask where the day has gone but I know I slept most of it away, which is what I planned and needed. I could use 2 or 3 more days like this and I believe I'd feel my normal separation from sanity as opposed to total disconnect. lol

After the amount of deep sleep gotten these last few days, I honestly feel like I am somewhat refreshed. A bit of assurance concerning the medical doctor situation has something to do with it. I'll talk more about that later. For now, I'll just say today was a good day.

At some point I think I'll talk about this bedroom.

Jordan
8:22am EST January 2nd, 2017

*** Disclaimer below

Escape My Skin.
7x10 art journal. Escape my skin, oil stick and ink
I often feel defeated. I run from head, I run from my skin, always in fight or flight.

Dove
Dove - pencil on paper, sketch 7x10

I will smile. I may crack a joke but behind these eyes is a woman who is so tired that she just wants to put the covers over her head and cease to exist. Please, I don't want to do this anymore, let me go. I don't want to laugh with you anymore and I don't want to rise to the occasion anymore.

You're just like her
Just Like Her - 7 x 10, art journal

February 14th is his birthday, him, that boy who dared to take his own life and tear out the hearts of others. January 28th, I'm a hypocrite. There is no plan, no action I'm going to take it's just that it's heavy on my heart and I'm tired.

*** This is not an entry saying I'm going to kill myself. I know this subject is uncomfortable and it's scary but I will not manipulate nor will I ever write an entry saying I'm going to kill myself. I want to be very clear that I'm talking about feelings, not actions or a plan. Like I did before, I will walk in the hospital if I feel I am not able to remain 'safe' with my support system. Like every other subject, I am expressing and processing in a raw, unedited way.  Journal entry titles will give a good idea of major topics discussed.

Today's agenda - Morning meds and more sleep.

Jordan