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5

Half of Us

In therapy we talked about the unfinished image "Both of Us", drawn by Robert over a two day period. We spent a lot of time on it because it drew us into a discussion about being co-conscious and more integrated.  My emotions are more integrated and more identifiable.

I showed him 4 drawings total. Three of the drawings were done by Robert. When Robert draws himself in work, it is important to him for Dr. D to see the image of Robert. He doesn't want to be overlooked or looked through. To be ignored and overlooked is painful for anyone. 

We talked about the colors and why I use certain colors. We talked about how different it is that Robert used yellow on the face in his drawing. We don't do yellow at all. Hate yellow. Of course he asked why and I just told him. My mother's mattress had yellow flowers on it. There were too many times I had my face buried in that yellow and that's all I could see. I hate that color to touch me now. I use it in art to mean negative things. For it to touch his face tells me there's some sort of guilt or maybe flashbacks that he is dealing with. Yellow in art is explained on my art therapy page. It's also interesting that the pants worn by the girl in the upper left corner is wearing yellow pants. This just doesn't happen, not even in art. 

My Sister by Michelle

The image to the side was drawn by Michelle in pencil. Dr. D noted that the people are in typical fashion from what I used to draw.  He says the people have a look of despair and trauma on their faces. It's funny, I don't set out to make my images look this way. I just start drawing what I feel. I think its the same for others inside. Everyone just draws what they feel. The painting or coloring in is according to our color chart that we've had for who knows how long. 

We discussed how it feels to have a 12 year old alter around who doesn't want to be called anything but her own name and doesn't want to be mistaken for Faith.

Dr. D called Michelle the last hold out, then laughed. Yeah. Everyone else is on board with knowing and understanding what it means to have DID. We know how we got here and why we have DID but this one kid ain't havin' it. She can't accept that she is not separate. She hasn't yet learned that what she does affects the rest of us and what we do affects her. We're a system..... We take care of each other.

She wants her own sketchbook but we won't let her do it. She draws and paints in the community book just like everyone else. 

There's guilt associated with 'causing' us to feel anxious whenever she's around. Her anxiety is always very, very high.  

Speaking of high, Dr. D and I discussed differences in artwork when I'm high. He asked if there's a difference in noise level in my head when I'm high. Yes. I can hear the alter personalities clearer so it feels louder at times with pot, but there's also a calm that covers us all. It works out well if I eat it. I had it in hot chocolate the other day. Turns out that homemade honey cake with weed is pretty good. That one was new for me.

Last but not least, Michelle got her snails in the mail today. How totally cool is that! All the way from Greece! She keeps saying, I would have been happy even if they'd been from across the street but no one had snails that they were selling locally.  I think it's totally cool that they're from Greece. It just sort of happened that way and I'm glad it did.

Jordan 

I've been finishing work in my books. I set a goal this year to finish work I started but there was an interruption that put me behind. I decided after I got out of the hospital to pick up where I left off with finishing work. Here is one of the key pieces I wanted to work on. It's a story line about my aunt's life and the affect she had on mine.

She Sings, from the journal entry called Wide.

Mouth Wide Open - She Sings

She Sings

fma

For a long time I thought to myself, I'm all out of art. I've got nothing creative left. I just scribble and block in the shapes with color. But after looking at these blocks of color I have to say, this is art, and I like it.

I started off drawing with a black gel pen then used watercolor. This particular piece was created to work with a new watercolor set of mine. I really liked how it turned out and love the watercolor set.

palette Paper fma d2

Below is a combination of Windsor Newton watercolors and a generic brand that I purchased. The generic brand has some colors that I really love that WN left out, so, I used both sets quite often.

palette Paper 3 fma

I still use my bed at times as an art studio but somehow I've managed not to get any paint on my bed. Lets hope I can keep up the cleanliness.

This is watercolor art in progress.

Faith

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I can't seem to get myself to truly paint. It's as if I'm stopped up. All I seem capable of is painting shapes and simple figures or dripping paint down a page. I keep doing it though.

These are all watercolor and ink on 8.5 x 5.5 paper.

Filtered .Filtered by Sundrip

...continue reading "Art Flow"

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In my therapy session today we talked about the dream I had just before he called. In the dream I was 47 but in the 2nd grade. I sat as an adult in South Korea with second grade children in class. The teacher taught evolution but one student spoke up to the teacher and class about why Jehovah's Witnesses believe in Creation. I offered a few supporting comments but it was hard to concentrate because the stereotypical shoes they gave me to wear were a podiatry nightmare. You could tell the American students from others because we were hopping like bunnies in the shoes. (hey don't judge lol lol it was just a dream. lol)

Daisy's Sister In Sepia - unavailable

In a different dream I was sleeping next to my mother in bed as an adult. The bed was out in the open, in the middle of a town fair. There was a band, baton girls, food stalls and of course football because this is after all the Midwest. So we were sleeping on her stripped bed, nothing but a mattress. It was the same mattress from my childhood that she abused my family on. So she and I slept. My back was to her when she put her arm around me in a very loving, motherly way. I wanted it to be safe and allowed it. Finally I relaxed enough to feel a mother-daughter connection with her. It felt good. Then she realized she was cold because I hogged all the covers. ...continue reading "Therapy Review : Love Me"

Journaling until I'm blue in the face. Work in progress.

"Someone Else" in watercolor and acrylic. All work shown is on 8.5 x 5.5 paper.

"Froggie Smiles".  These are photographs. I'm looking forward to scanning so these look right. This is much darker than the actual painting. I'm working on the details of all these pieces. Once I have the colors in mind it doesn't take long to finish.

This last one was created for the sole purpose of testing out new paints. It's a paint pallet sheet. Sometimes when I just need to draw but there's nothing specific to do, I draw lines on paper this way and wait to use it later to test paint or clean brushes.

Faith

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Fifteen days total but halfway through I began to lose myself to the constant and extreme pain. My medication cocktail sometimes caused me to see dragons and aliens. I'd been in intensive care for the bilateral pulmonary embolism and life threatening blood clots. I was about to begin a chapter of life I'll never forget, one that has left physical scars and emotional pain. What I've decided to do is express some of those experiences through art.

The first experience in multi media is called Three Birds.

Half way through ICU care I was losing it. The doctors worried I'd have to go on dialysis. My kidneys were shutting down, my heart was in trouble too. I was in trouble and I knew it so I asked my God, "Are you with me?" I needed to know if He knew his servant needed his comfort and approval. ...continue reading "Three Birds"

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I got the apartment and move in Saturday! I already have the keys and lease.
I'm excited and a bit nervous, mostly excited. I have to figure out how to fit my stuff in this place. One thing I know is I'll have a 55 gallon aquarium in there! Somehow, some way, that aquarium WILL fit. I'm going to split it in half, half bedroom, half art studio w tea bar. I'll keep the doll collection in the bedroom area. I'm sure my little studio will feel like home in no time. ...continue reading "Saturday is moving day"

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The Lesson is an art story about the doctor telling me about my blood system. He explained that something about my DNA steers my blood wrong. Instead of living the normal 120-90 days, my blood lives 60-30 days then begins to break down.

When the doctor told me this I thought to myself, I have bad blood, that's what makes me a bad person. This is why my mother can't love me, I'm bad from the inside out. Yup, my head took me there. So how do I rewrite a very old message of being bad and bring my thoughts more in line with the times? I paint and talk to myself.

After some healthy ground techniques I pulled out my watercolors and began to paint symbols from the doctor's visit. I painted a symbolic DNA strand and several levels of blood development.

I really enjoy painting like this. I take something medical and paint how it affected me emotionally. I'm going to keep doing this. Painting is healing for me and it allows me to process realities easier.

I apologize for the quality of the photo. All of this is still being painted, photographed and blogged from bed.

Jordan

"The Lesson" by
Faith Magdalene Austin
Watercolor and ink
8.5 x 5.5
98lb paper

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