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5

Altenheim nursing home June 2018

That's joy on my face. Walking brings joy to my face. I did 125 feet today. Another goal met was to begin giving myself the Arixtra blood thinner shot, which I take once daily.

Next week we will work on stamina issues. I'll begin learning to balance myself climbing the stairs. I'm going to need to practice the stairs because when I leave here I'm going to stay with friends who have a room for me upstairs. I won't brave them alone. Hopefully nursing staff will be in place so that CNA's can assist with getting up and down. Yup, the stairs are a bit worrying but I've got a bit to figure it out. I may scoot on my bum while on the stairs. We'll see. The good news is, even though I don't yet have an apartment, I do have a safe, clean place to stay. ...continue reading "Victory Laps and Wobbly Steps"

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July 8th I'll be discharged from the nursing home whether I have an apartment or not. Here's a shot of me holding my bears.

I worry about my lack of stamina and how it will prevent me from getting basic needs met. I'm not whole, not ready to be discharged to care for myself. How will I shower? I don't have the stamina for these things. ...continue reading "On fear and focus"

I wasn't nearly as afraid when I was in the thick of it. I knew what was stacked against me. I understood the odds were not in my favor yet I didn't constantly think about dying. I knew I wanted to live. Once I realized I may lose as much as both legs I tried to figure out how to live with it. Even at the time when I couldn't move at all and I couldn't feel from the waste down, I still tried to manage in my head how to live that way. If for some reason I didn't regain feeling and movement, I never once thought being bedbound was a reason to die.  ...continue reading "A Thousand Miles"

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I'm going to be in the hospital for a few days. Despite being on blood thinners my body has still created a blood clot behind my knee. There's an abnormality in the left lung but I'm not sure what that means, if anything at all.

When the doctor gave me all the information and options, I burst into tears!

I've been told to be strong. I've been told to have faith and courage and not to give up hope. I've been told I can take this... again... That I may not want to do it again but I can take it, I can manage more. I cried some more then thought, I'll try.

I'll try to tap into that girl inside, the fearless one, the head first, won't quit girl. Right now I'm angry and tired. I just want to go home, my home. I don't want to fight for every breath. I don't want this pain anymore and I want my dang on toes back. But what I need and want are different. I need a jackhammer to get to the part of me that can keep going at this pace and level of pain.

In all honesty, I may fall apart but I don't know how to give up.

The part of me that can keep the pace isn't far away. Perhaps she's letting me get out tears so we have more room for fight.

Faith

Update: The plan is not surgery but to up the dose of my shot a little bit and add an asprin. No surgery! I should only be here a few days. Also, I have the same group of doctors from the big surgery two months ago. They're still following me.
I'm relieved. They feel the clot is small enough that surgery is not needed.

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I stood twice then transfered to the toilet on my own. I needed help with getting back in the chair and getting my brief on. I transfered to bed on my own, exhausted, discouraged a bit. But it's early, right? It was only the 7th that I had surgery.

The CNA asked me if I would have to pay full price for a pedicure. We both laughed. ☺ The child is sick. Lol

I felt very "disabled". There I was stranded on the toilet stark naked except for the depends hanging low and left. Obviously I could take the victory in all this but I can see what all it took to wrestle w the hospital gown and lose the battle leaving me butt naked like a toddler on a potty chair. I got it in the right spot, and on time. What am I, two?

Every minute counts because every minute is energy to complete a task. If I miscalculate and overestimate, then I'm screwed. This is where humility comes in. Accept the limitation or pay the consequence.

Today I counted right. Today I can be irritated and I can laugh at myself.

When I realized I'd need help getting back in the chair I laughed at myself because I was stranded on the toilet. Go figure. I knew I could get back in the chair but I couldn't manage the brief, get dressed and wash my hands. So I pulled the "Help Me" call light and waited. I told her what I had energy for and what I needed help with. A few min later I was successfully back in bed.

It's an ordeal, a math lesson, a test of humility. It's a reminder of what can be taken for granted and of the times we have to let go.

Good things that happen this week
First and foremost, thank you for letting me survive the surgery. I was scared.
Thank you for all the friends that showed up.
Thank you for good sleep and times where I was able to cry and release grief.
Thank you for reminders to see the bigger picture, see beyond this moment and know that both now and the future matter.
Thank you for humor with friends and nursing staff. We had a hilarious time tasting guava fruit. It was fresh but not ripe, and very nasty but funny to see the facial expressions because of the tart taste.
Thanks for strong pain medication that keeps most of the really bad pain at bay.

Faith

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The Lesson is an art story about the doctor telling me about my blood system. He explained that something about my DNA steers my blood wrong. Instead of living the normal 120-90 days, my blood lives 60-30 days then begins to break down.

When the doctor told me this I thought to myself, I have bad blood, that's what makes me a bad person. This is why my mother can't love me, I'm bad from the inside out. Yup, my head took me there. So how do I rewrite a very old message of being bad and bring my thoughts more in line with the times? I paint and talk to myself.

After some healthy ground techniques I pulled out my watercolors and began to paint symbols from the doctor's visit. I painted a symbolic DNA strand and several levels of blood development.

I really enjoy painting like this. I take something medical and paint how it affected me emotionally. I'm going to keep doing this. Painting is healing for me and it allows me to process realities easier.

I apologize for the quality of the photo. All of this is still being painted, photographed and blogged from bed.

Jordan

"The Lesson" by
Faith Magdalene Austin
Watercolor and ink
8.5 x 5.5
98lb paper

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I'm trying not to let it eat me up. I know it'll be difficult and emotionally painful, but I don't want it to rule me.

It's funny, I picture myself dancing again. I picture myself bending down to pick up moss, walking through grass down to the water line. I can see myself functioning w just part of my leg and foot but I don't know if I'll ever get over the loss. I don't think I'll cry everyday for years or anything, but I can't see me "getting over it". I think the pain of this loss will stay but that the depression associated with it will fade into the background. ...continue reading "On losing more"

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Its your voice I'm listening for
The gentle tone that brushes against the walls of my mind
Sweeping away conclusions drawn
And patterns formed
When I was left on my own
Inside my head,
Behind this desperate divide.

It's your voice my heart yearns to hear
Tuned to deep vibrations that spell out promises you will not fail to keep. ...continue reading "Listen"

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A man kept a house with several women tied up with chains. Some he broke so that they didn't try to run. He kept a lion that he fed live humans. It was the largest beast I'd ever seen.

I and another woman were caught as prey. We were in a container waiting to be eaten but I saw a way out and took it. As I escaped the grounds, the Master of the house attempted to stop me. He was furious that I tried to get away. How dare I get so far away from his traps, from his control. He was angry, offended and really wanted to the mastery over me, to throw me to the lion. I was getting away until the Mistress of the house emerged and demanded I return inside. She told me I had to go inside, I had to listen to her. The Master couldn't believe his fortune, that I'd escape the property only to willingly return at the voice of a dominate woman. He was so excited he could hardly contain himself. I woke before reentering the house.

Dr D and I discussed the dream in session today. We talked about how it feels like the Mistress is more my situation than a specific person. The Lion is the beast I face. I'm not always strong so I'm the broken woman who won't run, the new captive not yet broken and the spirit that'll find a way out. But when it's all said and done, I still have to face the Lion in yet another surgery. I'm torn and will be torn more. Parts of me are gone that I can't get back no matter who I out smart or out run. ...continue reading "DREAM : The Mouth of Lions"

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After another fall I had to go to the hospital. I was there most of the day. I've hurt my back and require in home care for a few days so tomorrow a friend will come to stay with me and Clyde.

There's degeneration where I hit which means I smacked an already damaged area. Man that hurt. Clyde was right beside me the whole time. I was in the house when I fell.

I was given 2 shots for pain but my body ate it up, didn't do much.

...continue reading "Hospital Visit"

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