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I've been reading about staying positive which can be difficult for me. One of the things I've been trying to remember is that even with my health issues, I've not lost everything. I made a short list of things I've learned to do while in bed and while pacing at home. The reason I learned these things is that it's difficult to sit. It's painful so I end up  lying down or I keep moving while I'm up. Standing still doesn't go well for me but as long as I keep moving I'm okay. So, here is my photo for the 17th of this month and my list of things I can still do:

  1. Complain. I can do that in whatever position I find myself in. I complain in English and American Sign Language. I'm currently learning French, which isn't killing me this time around.
  2. Paint. I can paint and draw while lying down. I've covered my bed so as not to ruin my mattress. It was my greatest concern that I wouldn't be able to paint because of needing to lie down so much.
  3. I can sew while lying down. This was a welcome surprise. I have to be a little more prepared but it is still possible. I just finished and adopted out two dolls and I've started on a custom order doll today.
  4. I can study and take notes in bed or on the sofa as long as I have my tablet and supplies with me. I can read and pace at the same time which I do quite often.
  5. I can produce hand written letters of encouragement to others while in bed. It's important to always reach out.
  6. I can still receive visitors if I'm on the sofa.
  7. I stand while making tea but I have a no spill cup that allows me to drink tea in bed. Yup, gotta have that tea no matter what.
  8. I can enjoy the sunshine on my face from the comfort of my bed. I can see the sky and hear the birds and ducks.
  9. My smile isn't broken because I'm lying down. I still have a sense of humor.
  10. Possibilities. Options. Hope.

...continue reading "What I can still do"

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Mary Jane rests with her hand on my artwork
Mary Jane rests with her hand on my artwork

It takes a bit to accept things and it takes a bit to be able to do what's best for Jane. When she was seen a month ago ?? concerning her condition, I knew she was in trouble but she seemed to get better. She gained a few ounces and things appeared to be looking up, but I understand the road ahead isn't one that can be taken with confidence, not here with me.

I know Jane is 16 years old with feline renal failure. I know there are still things that can be done, but those things cost. What I decided to do, and what I talked over with friends for the last two days, is to surrender Jane to a low kill shelter. I will bring in all her paper work and tell them all that's been done for her here. I will tell them that I'm surrendering her because I know more can be done but not on my income. I don't make enough for the ongoing cost. Even if I moved to a low income apartment, I couldn't afford the care Jane needs.  ...continue reading "Mary Jane in Renal Failure 2"

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I noticed there are new journal entries from blogs I read. I'll be over there soon.

I made turmeric and ginger chocolate bars which I thought wouldn't be that good but as it turns out, they are. Today I purchased Cacao powder so I can make some more. If you like golden milk, you'll like the addition of chocolate. It's not hard to make the leap to a small chocolate square spiced up. The Cacao powder is for more than just spicy candy squares or truffles. I want the other things it's good for. I try to take in a variety of vitamins, minerals and valuable combinations to help with my physical and mental health.

I got wonderful news from the doctor today. I'm down by 10 more pounds. I gave up ice cream. I stopped cold. lol. I had to. ...continue reading "Calmer. Doctor Appointment. Frogs."

I'm holding back when it comes to posting art work other than sketchbook art. I don't know why but I feel so closed up right now and not willing to share the new stuff. I suppose I will again soon.

Janie TimeJane has good days and bad days, today is a good day. She has finished 2 of the three medications. Pets get old, get sick and they die, and that sucks. I have good days and bad days, today is a tired day.

I've got another month of dental work coming up that I'm not looking forward to. Also, there's a lump in my mouth that they need to look at closer. I wanted this dental stuff to be over with but it's not. I can tell there's damage to the nerves which has added more pain to my plate.  ...continue reading "Holding Back. More Dental Work. Blood Stream Infection."

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September 17th 2017 - why do I look so shocked? I still take photos on the 17th of each month then look at them all 12 at the end of the year...and in between. It helps me have a better understanding of what I really look like as opposed to what I think I look like.

I feel disgusting. I'm not looking for compliments, ok. I feel disgusting. I feel like a fat slob, ugly. Why? My weight it out of control. It's out of control for many reasons, primarily steroids and other medications.  ...continue reading "The 17th"

I'm frazzled, angry, afraid, exhausted. I'm nervous. I feel guilty. I feel desperate.  I want to run. I'm raw, sensitive, trigger happy. I paint. I draw and I move about the house, task to task, without a connection to anything. I'm just in limbo waiting for my girl to either get better or worse. Right now she's holding.

This is the little temporary art area I have set up. It's my dinner table but having supplies out here means I can be closer to Jane.

I work on one drawing then put it to the side and pick up another. I turn the page and do a few lines then turn the page and repeat it. I'm running from myself. My heart is desperate.  ...continue reading "My mind. My immune system."

I'm to the point where I feel like this is all surreal. I'm on the emotional brink, just exhausted. I'm maxed emotionally and physically. Jane goes back to the vet for a scheduled visit. I have to break it to the vet that I missed several critical days of  one of her medications because I administered it incorrectly.  I have one more dental visit on Tuesday then services Thursday. I've studied in between issues with Jane while camping out in the living room. I've done my daily cervical traction and other stretches but my right shoulder is giving me the blues. Honestly, I'd love to get outside for a walk, leave this apartment and clear my head in fresh air. There are some choice moss patches I need to visit. Need is a strong word but, when is getting more moss less than a need? Moss is wonderful. Terrariums are wonderful. Moss is a need.  ...continue reading "Emotional and Mental Crash. Exploding Wine."

They said if I wear this little patch it'll help; it does.
Hope - My Face My Art

My Face My Art - The invisible illness becomes visible.
It's as clear as the art on my face.

The three art pieces used in this addition of "My Face My Art" are: (drum roll please) ...continue reading "Hope and Art"

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A phrase went through my head this morning that tells me that my instincts about the GP I saw yesterday are correct. I need to move on. She's not the one. I'm writing things down so I can remember the entire experience.

This morning I remembered that while talking about me taking pain meds from time to time, the new GP said to me, "But Dr. Old GP wants to move you away from any pain meds."

I'm not seeing Dr. Old GP so why are we talking about what he wants to do for my care? ...continue reading "My instincts are correct"

10 pm
My right leg is still swollen but it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did yesterday. I'm still wearing compression socks.

I fell asleep shortly after writing my last entry. I've been sleeping for a very, very long time, all day and night. I got up to use the restroom. I got up to feed the cat and take medication, other than that I've been sleeping. I couldn't keep my eyes open.

11:48 pm
I went for an orange and got distracted. I cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed the floors. I had an orange, water and some tea.

Yesterday evening was scary because I wasn't sure I'd wake up today. I jotted a quick note to my friend Snow and closed my eyes. The leg was really bad yesterday.

One of the best things for edema is activity. I need to increase blood flow. I also need to be conscious of what I eat. I don't take a lot of sodium but at this time it's best to be even more careful with it. My stretches will be important. My vascular issues are Lupus related which means the root of the problem is in my blood and immune system. If I am to have any impact on this I'll have to do it from the inside out. I have to get that turmeric, ginger and black pepper back in me on a regular basis. I have to get cinnamon and garlic back in me as well as organic honey. These are vital. Funny how I can now see how vital it is after having stopped regular intake for nearly two months. ...continue reading "Lupus and edema. Dignity in life. Finding light."

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