Its your voice I'm listening for
The gentle tone that brushes against the walls of my mind
Sweeping away conclusions drawn
And patterns formed
When I was left on my own
Inside my head,
Behind this desperate divide.
It's your voice my heart yearns to hear
Tuned to deep vibrations that spell out promises you will not fail to keep. ...continue reading "Listen"
A man kept a house with several women tied up with chains. Some he broke so that they didn't try to run. He kept a lion that he fed live humans. It was the largest beast I'd ever seen.
I and another woman were caught as prey. We were in a container waiting to be eaten but I saw a way out and took it. As I escaped the grounds, the Master of the house attempted to stop me. He was furious that I tried to get away. How dare I get so far away from his traps, from his control. He was angry, offended and really wanted to the mastery over me, to throw me to the lion. I was getting away until the Mistress of the house emerged and demanded I return inside. She told me I had to go inside, I had to listen to her. The Master couldn't believe his fortune, that I'd escape the property only to willingly return at the voice of a dominate woman. He was so excited he could hardly contain himself. I woke before reentering the house.
Dr D and I discussed the dream in session today. We talked about how it feels like the Mistress is more my situation than a specific person. The Lion is the beast I face. I'm not always strong so I'm the broken woman who won't run, the new captive not yet broken and the spirit that'll find a way out. But when it's all said and done, I still have to face the Lion in yet another surgery. I'm torn and will be torn more. Parts of me are gone that I can't get back no matter who I out smart or out run. ...continue reading "DREAM : The Mouth of Lions"
Still sleeping and recovering. Tuesday morning I went for treatment but here we are Thursday evening and I'm still exhausted. My pain levels are back to 7-8. My appetite is still gone.
Clyde has been beside me the last few days which has been helpful. Despite sleeping so much, I get up by alarm 4x a day to take him outside. Today we played ball briefly.
I'd describe my mood as baseline. No suicidal issues and no self harm. Anxiety is high and being managed. I'm still on reprieve from perimenopause symptoms. I'm typing in bed but I'll soon return to the laptop.
Again, this is not a rough patch, it's a field w pits and quicksand. It's a field where pain is as common as flowers.
I've had another small emergency doctor visit bc my pain has been too high for too long. Between Lupus, CRSD and shingles, my threshold was met quickly.
When the pain stays high like that I go in w/o a second thought. I used to feel bad for needing to be given pain treatment but they know me and treat me well. They don't act like I'm just there to get high.
I'm home now and somewhat tired but my mood is ok. Interestingly enough, I now have to try to deal with the pain meds. It's not like dealing with the pain, but there are issues related to that type of pain medication in my body. At the moment there's relief from what I was feeling so I won't complain too much.
There's decent news to share in the way of an update I had this rash situation for 2 weeks, but w Lupus I didn't panic because Lupus throws rashes at you all the time. I'd been putting my thieves oil on it but it did nothing for the pain. That's why I went to the doctor, terrible pain. That's when I was told I have shingles. Friday's appointment also told me I'm 2 weeks in to a 3 to 5 week endurance race. It hurts something fierce but I'm almost at half point when the virus will be shut down, dormant or whatever you want to call it. That's decent news. I'm not at the beginning and I'm no longer contagious.
I'll be on meds a bit longer and see my doc in 2 weeks.
List of foods not to eat when you have Shingles.
Did you know you're not supposed to eat chocolate when you have shingles? What? What kind of horrific disease do you have to have, to be told you can't eat chocolate? I mean seriously? It's insult to injury. If they'd said you can't have tea I would have laughed out loud. ...continue reading "Shingles: Decent news on Friday"
I would say I've hit a rough patch but this is no patch, this is a field. Now I have to figure out how I'm going to traverse this ground with its pits and stones.
Today has been difficult but quiet, manageable. Anxiety is high, still, and my body hurts from head to toe. That's nothing new. Pain is as common as flowers. I feel it everywhere I turn but, being a few days out of the thick of depression means I see a little light ahead.
What a nightmare it's been. Today isn't. Today has been difficult but manageable. Yeah, I'm in my field of "flowers" and I'm a bit worn down, but I'm still here. I made it. I made it through that cycle of depression.
A lot of tea sipping, a lot of sleep, that's what's been going on over here.
Anxiety is very high as are my pain levels. I've got an open sore on my leg that hasn't healed in three weeks times so I have to get more treatment for it. That doesn't worry me though maybe it should. It's just that I've not been given any kind of off colored diagnosis so I'm like, it is what it is. I have Lupus, I don't heal well. It takes weeks to heal a simple wound. It would be nice if it didn't hurt so much but like I said, at this point it's just taking its own sweet time healing and hasn't morphed into something else. ...continue reading "Cuppa. Sleep. Work. I’m Better."
I read to him the entry I wrote about being angry with him. I then assured him I will not lie to him about feeling suicidal or depressed. I need to trust him and he needs to trust me.
I cried from open to close of the session. It's been a hard day physically and emotionally. I had to take pain medication because of spasms in my legs and stomach. I tried to manage as long as I could without pain meds but after a bit it's reasonable to take a dose to ease things up. I also took some of my Passion Flower tincture to help ease anxiety associated with pain. I'm surprised I was able to stay awake for the session. ...continue reading "Therapy review: What I need to hear"
freezing my bones in place.
bones that aren't, squeak and squawk
at the audacious request to carry me.
It's supposed to be bitter cold for the next 10 days. I just want the barometric pressure to stabilize, at least my pain would be tolerable. Right now my hands and knees are screaming.
This is year three that I've turned the heat on in the entire apartment instead of just using the heat settings in my room. I have baseboard heaters, not centralized heating with ventilation. These are like glorified space heaters for each room which is why the heating bill I just got is a whopping $107.00 for 650 sq feet. ...continue reading "Weather. Desensitization Therapy. Courage and Resilience."