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Exhale - Sundrip on Redbubble
Exhale - Sundrip on Redbubble

I feel as if my home is a beautiful prison with great ambiance, great food and excellent, choice teas.

The stairs outside in the hallway are armed guards. One mistep and the guards fire at will.

I sometimes manager pain better than other times. My mood makes these times different. The season makes a difference, my body temperature makes a difference. Life experiences, nightmares, anxiety all contribute to how aware I am of the pain.

...continue reading "From Under Guard to Fresh Air"


Bestest is a word.

Me and the BearGood
I went to the physical therapy center today. I was surprised at how open it was, that I was laying next to someone else who was being worked on. That nervousness quickly dissipated as I became familiar with my two specialists. I like both. One is male, the other female. I don't go back for two weeks but when I do it'll be me and the male physical therapist who has been nicknamed Buttons.

When I first saw the male physical therapist I blurted out, "What are you, twelve?" He said he tries to look older by wearing a beard. I didn't say what I was thinking. .....F.A.I.L...... Later in the session I said, with you being 9 years old, did you color in your degree? He said yes and that he stayed in the lines when coloring homework. I said, I can't believe they're handing out degrees to 7 year olds. He said, how come I keep getting younger? Who am I, Benjamin Buttons?

When I return in two weeks to start the process of healing this neck and spine of mine, Buttons will be my physical therapist. I look forward to it.

When I go to the doctor I don't always tell them about the multiple personality disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder) because it's not always necessary. They know I have PTSD but that's all they need to know. Sometimes less is best. When cognition issues arise people assume it's Lupus or Fibro fog. I don't correct them. The issue is cognition, the root cause doesn't need to be pinpointed at that time.  I may need longer to process what's said to me. Period. I'm not going to say, "I'm sorry. I have multiple personality disorder and sometimes I......." .......Nope, not doing it.  ... Sometimes the doctors need to know, most times they do not.

...continue reading "Good. Better. Bestest. Other."

I hate doing this. I really do, however, I have a need I can't meet. I'm in need of a wheelchair...soon.

I stare at that sentence in disbelief. I need a wheelchair. Wow! I didn't anticipate this for another 3 year or so but ... ya know. Although my insurance is good about paying for things, they will not pay for the wheelchair because they only pay for one ambulatory item every five years. They purchased a cane.

I have some money for it because I had an Etsy sale but I don't have the entire $125 needed. A chair for that amount sounds insane, I know, but it's true. Just check out and punch in "wheelchair". You'll see they sell for other companies. The chairs aren't Walmart products but are from their affiliates. Anyway, I have added a donation button to the sidebar.

...continue reading "Wheelchair Assistance"


This is gentle reminder to take care of yourself properly and do not read blogs such as mine for treatment suggestions. I'm not offering advice, I'm responding to a blog entry of a long time friend. Please remember to speaking with a knowledgeable person before trying supplements and herbs. You will cause more damage to an already upset living situation if you introduce a contradictory herb or supplement to your health profile. Those with a chemical imbalance in the brain or otherwise, those with an autoimmune disorder, diabetes, kidney or liver damage and those with digestive issues should be very, very careful when introducing supplements without proper information. Supplements and herbs that you buy from Amazon are medicine. Please respect them as such. 

I'm attempting to manage life with herbs, roots and movement. At times it helps but there are flares that seem to last forever. Still, I've made the beneficial choice to be 99% narcotic free. There are times when a narcotic is needed and I'll take it. In my typical fashion of documenting things, I've written down the 3 times that a narcotic was used and the amount. I also use art and what I call Tea Time to manage life with multiple chronic illnesses. Here are some of the other items in my medical treasure chest that have proven helpful.

The Flowering 2010 - Sundrip on Redbubble
The Flowering 2010 - Sundrip on Redbubble

1. I've been using ginger and turmeric teas on a daily basis. This has to be done with food because they'll mess up your stomach.

2. I use green tea and different roots instead of commercial blood thinners.

3. I use fresh garlic, quality cinnamon and raw organic honey to support my immune system.

4. I have a time daily when I sit down and relax quietly. I call this Tea Time.

5. I do daily exercises, stretches and yoga which are specific to my issues. These stretches have been shown to me during an in person physical therapy sessions.

6. I've reduced the amount of time I wear my TLSO brace because the brace can make the back muscles weak if worn too often.

However, I think the biggest assistance for me is my medicinal teas and the knowledge I've gained from a professional who has shown me how to use them. I've had an allergic reaction to one tea that put me in the hospital so I stay away from it and those like it, however, for the most part I find teas, tinctures and herbs to be helpful and legal.

...continue reading "Heather – Greed. Weed. Medical Cache"

There’s an old, half blind dog lying on the porch. That old dog is me.

His daytime howl is common, almost a fixture in his home. He growls at shadows and charges falling, dry leaves as though they were a personal attack on himself and the dilapidated house he protects.

He can hardly see. He doesn’t hear clearly or process like others. This old dog with half an ear and legs born lame, feels so far removed from a living thing that even the softest touch can in an instant turn from intimacy to biting distrust.

...continue reading "The Master of My Ghosts"


I stepped right off the deep end. I hit with a belly slap to the water that left me breathless. Then I floated. I rolled, gave in and let myself float free with the current.

As soon as my eyes opened this morning I knew something shifted, something is different. I'm lighter and I'm back on the ledge with inches to spare.

How? To explain how I need to explain why my head got so cloudy that I couldn't see an inch in front of my face. Pain, as always, it was pain. Two Wednesdays in a row a doctor manipulated my arm and shoulder for imaging. The first time was horrible, the second time tipped the scale of my pain tolerance.
...continue reading "The deep end. The rational mind."

We talked about health stuff which is part of the reason I'm angry. I herniation in C5-6, a pinched nerve in my neck and increased arthritis in my shoulder. The anger isn't because of the news but the timing of the news. Nearly a year ago my general practitioner was told by the physical therapist he sent to my home that the main problem is in my neck, not my shoulder. Did anyone get xrays? Nope. He kept telling me that the pain I pointed out to him was more of my chronic pain. A year goes by with this injury and just now I have someone validate what I said and what the physical therapist said. A year of pain that was pushing me over the edge.

I remember telling the physical therapist that the added pain was too much. She looked down at me, I was on my back, and she said very gently that she could only do so much. She said it may get better but I might have to live with this pain. I told her, there's a point when it's no longer worth it and I've reached that point. I said, I'd rather be dead than add daily pain like this to what I'm already dealing with.

...continue reading "Therapy Comments: Shoulder. Anger."



WordPress sent me an anniversary alert to congratulate me for being with them for 10 years. It's been longer than that because I had sundrip.wordpress. I started on AOL then tried yahoo briefly. I moved to Blogger then WordPress before finally getting my own site using WordPress stuff. It's been a very long time that I've talked and moaned on the Internet.

What was I doing ten years ago? I moved from a 21 story apartment building to a house I never should have entered. I've moved on but when I moved it was from the pan into the fire. I hung around people I had no business hanging around. I looked for and found drama. I ran from myself, got drunk on anger then collapsed into poor health.

In the last few years I've maintained healthy friendships and renewed my relationship with my Creator. I've done a yo-yo with depression and physical health. One day I can handle this, the next I want to walk in front of a truck. I've worked my butt off in therapy. I never expected to feel any forgiveness for my mother let alone give a 100 % clean slate. That didn't happen overnight.

I can see a lot of improvement. I can also see that I'm still impulsive and angry. My anger has shift from my mother to doctors.

...continue reading "Ten"


Walk with Me

Walk with Me8:05 am

I didn't make it in to see Dr D because I wasn't physically able to travel. I asked him if he's getting frustrated or worried that things aren't the way they were. For years I saw him twice a week in his office. I now make it in once or twice a month.

I worry he'll quit his job. How am I going to make that separation from one of the only constance in my adult life.


...continue reading "Therapy Review – Reassurance. Normality. Lonely"

I had a dream you were real.
I saw you standing beside the dresser. You kept that spot. Your tears were as razors sliding slowly down my spine. To my amazement, you  cried for me.
I was too heavy with sleep and admittedly afraid to look you in the eye.
I know that dress.
I know your voice and the training to utter no sound unless directly addressed. But what do I say, what do I ask that I don't already know?
What is your name?

Sometimes life is good. Despite the physical war, life is good to me sometimes.

What's good?

  • I enjoy incense. I have a hanging incense holder which means fewer ashes and better distribution.
  • I'm better able to cope with anxiety.
  • The flowers are coming in and one of the trees has turned red.
  • I'm 30 min away from completing an amount of time I volunteered to give right here from home.

...continue reading "On Everything and Nothing"

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