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handmade clay button I'm pleased to say I had an uneventful shopping trip. This is the 3rd time I've used my little clay button that asks people not to touch me. People do that here so much. They will touch you in a minute.

I've had one cashier ask what's wrong with me. I just said, I have chronic pain. I changed the subject.

I don't need to have the small plaque on my backpack when I see my psychologist because people in the waiting room are not touchy feely there. Last week while at Dr D's office, a man ask why I have on the brace / vest. He then told me that one of his daughters has some kind of issue. I don't remember. Then he said, I'd rather people ask questions than stare. I didn't say anything.

...continue reading "My Stuff and Your Stuff"

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ITime - My Obsessions have issues with idiots. As a matter of fact, I'm allergic to stupid people. They make me itch. I cannot stand stupid people, especially when they're dripping with it. That GP who was nice one time in a year and a half has gone right back to dripping stupid all over the place! An employee who is aware of his lack of ....everything.... gave me two phone numbers to call. I called, did an interview with a doctor's nurse and will see a new doc mid March. I should have asked one major question, but I didn't.  I couldn't bring myself to ask. I suppose nothing is final.

I'm a chronic pain patient with mental health issues. I'm emotional. I'm dissociative and my body is a mess.

...continue reading "The Perfect Storm – Medical Care and Mental Health"

Written 2/19/16
Right now I'm rather tired, it's been a very long day. My uvula swelled, got long and began choking me.

It's funny, I had harsh thoughts about my mother's COPD but today I was the one who could not breath. My throat and uvula swelled twice, and twice I was rather alarmed when I could not breath.

I'm home from the hospital now and I'm in bed. I've got more meds to take. In addition to medication I have a different perspective concerning personally passing down judgemental for crimes committed against me.

...continue reading "Every Breath"

The last thing I want to do is lay in bed struggling with the weather and pain levels. I am grateful that I don't have to. My pdoc (psychiatrist) gave me something to help knock me out for a bit. I've used it 2x in 3 months with last night being one of those nights. I'm about to make it a third.

I slept like a rock last night. After I take it I've got about 20 min to get in bed or I may sleep on the floor in the kitchen or in the living room with my head wedged between the sofa and the table. I could fall asleep on the throne and then land on the floor. It's best if I get everything in order, turned off or on, then put myself under the covers.

I'll be out no less than 6 hours. When my pain level starts to inch to a 9, it's time to knock myself out. My left side is eating at me something terrible and it hurts for the cat to touch me. My tailbone is acting crazy. It's time to go to sleep while this weather system moves in.

Jordan

ChronicFor awhile now I've considered wearing a sign on my upper body vest that requests that people please not touch me. I've worn the vest for maybe a year now and I'm comfortable doing so.  Some people look at me like I'm a terrorist, others are bold enough to ask why I'm wearing the vest. Some mistake me for a policeman (stares blankly off in the distance). They think it's a bullet proof vest. I've commented, well, ya know, for a little bit there we were getting shot left and right. OMG. But the least of my worries are questions or being locked in the entrance of the bank waiting for the manager to clear me. lol. Oh ma lawd! My concern is what happened yesterday when I went to the store. A man did a back hand smack on my arm, twice, then asked if I was in line. I used the word smack because that's what it was, it wasn't a one, two tap. .......That was the moment when I realized something has to change.

...continue reading "Please Don’t Touch Me"

My desire is to switch all my containers to ones that lay on their side with the labels showing. I'm going to need a much larger rack, too.
Tea

I've been experimenting and mixing a little this with that. Most have been good but some I'd rather not mention. Nasty. A waste of quality tea. 

I've found the best pain relief tea for me is a version of golden milk. I use fresh white turmeric, fresh ginger, Ceylon cinnamon, a few black peppercorns and an apple. If I add milk I use Almond milk. I prefer it without milk.

As with others who have tried this tea, it eases pain in a reasonable amount of time.

What are the risks or side effects of this tea? They can be significant depending on a person's health issues, about and strength of medication as well as the frequency and amount of medicinal tea used. Those with diabetes, IBS, stomach ulcers or chronic GERD should speak with a medical doctor before using medicinal teas. Turmeric used medicinally changes how some medications are metabolized. Metabalization of medications for depression or even a light muscle relaxer can be altered. Mood stabilizers and this tea should be cleared by a medical professional. Blood thinners or asprin can be effected. The variables can be wide concerning person safety.  ...continue reading "The Common Sense of Tea"

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Machinery 2
Machinery 2

In a comment to a reader I began listing off more reasons why it feels pointless to trust any doctor or treatment.

She said "I’m naked when I try to shed the blanket for more than a few minutes."

I understand that. I feel Naked. I feel Exposed. I feel Defenseless. I throw myself at the mercy of doctors who do not oblige me to the proper degree.

My response to her comment got me to thinking. When I went to a doctor I went stripped, exhausted, desperate. I was willing to do whatever they told me to do. Again and again I ran into abusive doctors or flat out incompetent ones. I took crap off people for one reason only - a means to an end. I needed help. I could not control the pain. I handed myself over because I felt I could not continue living at the rate I was going.

What has occurred to me here is that while feeling defeated I gave much of my power and voice to clowns. Each time they failed in an epic way, so too the will to assert myself. I floundered from promise to treatment doing exactly what I've spent 20 years in therapy learning not to do. Do not give away my voice or power. ...continue reading "I know what’s different. I’m at the helm."

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What's wrong with you?
I'm angry.
Yup, I guessed that.
I'm wearing it like a blanket that I refuse to remove.
What are you wearing under the blanket?
Skill. Love. Motivation.
Ok, I wasn't expecting those things. I thought you were going to say exhaustion, vulnerability, etc.
If you ask me, those are the reasons I have chosen to keep the blanket on.
Is it worth it?
My goodness, I'm so angry, and this depression feels like a garrote. I want to get up and eat dinner. I'd like a shower.
What's stopping you?
I want to run my business and post art. I want to have my cat near instead of pushing her away.
What's stopping you?

The Girl in Black Sundrip
The Girl in Black
Sundrip

Listen, Faith, listen. Let's think about the last year, no, we're going back to the last 3 years. In the last 3 years you've had more physical pain than your mother put you through in the 20 years you lived with her. That is not an exaggeration. You have broken teeth from biting down so hard to endure what was happening to your body. During pain attacks your body responded in ways that the body responds when it is writhing. In those situations you've destroyed bedding, vomited on the cat and tore at your clothing as you screamed. You went mad Faith, like anyone else would. Do you understand that?

...continue reading "What’s wrong with me? An inner conversation."

It's confirmed.  I've managed to have enough to get there for three days, then return. Betty said, "You know I'm going to worry."  Yup, I do, but, I'm going! I haven't been able to travel since 2012. I refuse to ever ride down with mom again. Never! OMG! That woman has a PhD in nagging. Oh my gosh! This year I'm riding with Wonka and his wife Blue. They have 10 year old twin boys and a girl about 13 yrs old. I call the twins the dynamic duo.

Again, there will be 7000 people. Dr. D asked a long time ago how I'll handle the noise. It's a different kind of noise. It's not a concert. It's certainly nothing like going to a super Walmart with 7000 people . For that, I'd call in sick. The person beside me won't yell Amen. No one will fall in the aisle unless they're disabled. Jumping around and screaming out doesn't mix well with PTSD.

...continue reading "Mid July Trip. Kids. Sleep. Meds."

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I'm still trying to come to terms with the health scare.

Patience - unavailable
Patience - unavailable

I micromanaged every move for fear it would be my last. I thought about a journal I've lost touch with, a girl who wrote about the "indignity of death." How is she? Where is she? I cleaned my room because no one should have to clean it up. I started to take out the trash but I was tired. Then I thought, if I won't be here tomorrow I should turn off the heat, ya know? I thought about doing my hair then realized it wouldn't matter. I never thought, I need to throw away this or that so no one finds it.

...continue reading "A Month of Strings 2"

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