My head feels a little more stable than it was a few days ago.
I got a letter from my GP saying he will no longer work with me. This is the GP that made it very difficult to show up to appointments because he acted like he didn't want to be in the same room with me. I've talked about him a lot on this blog so I won't recount all the difficulties but I will say that it's a slap in the face.
I will also concede that I was wrong to leave the type of message I did. It was forceful. I asked her to explain why she can't get my meds right, the meds I've had for several years. I said, you first made a math error but now what's this error? I wasn't polite but again, I didn't yell or name call. I asked why they talked to my dentist when I didn't sign anything saying they could talk. I remember leaving that message and I remember thinking that I couldn't stop talking. I could see myself very animated but I couldn't stop. I won't say if it was a medical situation or mental health because I don't know. I don't normally leave confrontational voice messages. I don't normally call the nurse on her crap without tact. I feel like I got kicked out for doing that and it makes me angry that for two years I dealt with his attitude but he couldn't manage to recognize my issue. ...continue reading
I'm out of it but only because I've had no sleep.
Oh, hey, I painted yesterday. I painted in watercolor. I did flowers of course.
I've fallen asleep standing up or sitting here in front of the computer.
The sleepiness feels more like exhaustion that finally takes over. There's a suction away from wake. I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself well. I'm tired, trying to keep my eyes open but there's this very uncomfortable feeling that sucks me away until I lean and jerk myself away trying to sit back up.
When I fell asleep sitting up I heard snapping sounds, like the sound of a snapping twig. I can hear the people in my head chattering. One female voice gets louder but it disappears as I snap awake. I have no idea what she's or they are saying. ...continue reading
Saturday went well. The meal was nice but I skipped the wine and kept with tea. The movie was good and had no surprises or triggers since I knew what to expect. Tonight was baked tilapia, veggie wonton and steamed broccoli. It was good. Monday evening is tandoori chicken. It's chicken and spices in a baking dish inside my little oven. I love my convection oven. To finally get some good food in me is a positive step.
The landlord came the other day to inspect the apartment but she did not bring a lease. As a matter of fact she looked at me and said she'll get it together when she's good and ready. I don't trust that she's going to provide a lease. I have a feeling she'll present me with a court date. If she does I'll show up to that court date to contest the eviction.
I've heard nothing at all from the owner, not a thing.
My anxiety over the situation has dropped significantly. I can't worry about what might happen. I need to prepare, use my resources and force recognition of my rights, but I need not swim in what might happen. I do not have the energy to do so. ...continue reading
Dinner is cooking and my taste buds are smiling. There's leg of lamb cooking in there. I'll eat part of the lamb tonight and save the juices for an onion soup I have in mind.
I've always eaten dinner late. I'm up until 2 or 3 am so an 8 pm dinner isn't new for me.
I do love to cook. Dr. D mentioned that I haven't made myself real dinners like I used to. He's right. I was in survival mode with my health and in crisis mode with family which saw me eating frozen dinners and cold sandwiches. That's not me at all.
I think back on my culinary training and how I felt this amazing sense of doing what I was born to do. I knew when I was 8 that food has power. Food is an awesome gift to give someone. It touches the heart, not just the stomach. I knew at age 8 what I was born to be.
For many years, some not so distant, I was troubled by the need to quit working as a chef professionally. Imagine a potter having to give up the wheel and take on a fall back profession. Imagine a rose gardener putting down his craft. It feels like a part of you has been taken. It makes you mad. ...continue reading
I'm battling my mind and body.
I've had sporadic periods where pain has knocked me off my feet. Funny thing is, at the time I remember thinking to myself, I understand suicide. That thought would be strange if it wasn't for my brother's death being fresh on my mind. The lack of information concerning my sister weights heavily. It is also true that there are times I think I can't take another second of pain and that I'd rather be dead. Dr. D has noticed some PTSD issues associated with my chronic illness. I feel validated by that. This is traumatic. It's like my private civil war where I die every single time. There are times, like yesterday when I thought to myself, I understand suicide. ...continue reading
I haven't been to too many blogs lately, not many at all. I'm not in a good spot, easily depressed, easily triggered. I feel like I'm tightening my grip, bringing in the walls around me a little closer so as not to get too overwhelmed. I feel like a fake for smiling and laughing. I'm not a fake, it's just that there are several of us. I feel like a total boob for switching personalities left and right and forgetting to answer the door for a friend. She knocked, I peeked out the hole, looked at her and walked away. It was as if it didn't click that I should let her in. She called me to tell me she was at the door...still.
I can get through this patch.
I'm not even sure if I'm making sense.
Dissociation and anxiety will get worse as the 18th draws near. That's when the apartment manager is coming to do a semi annual cleaning inspection. I don't want to see the woman. I wish I could have someone here with me but I don't have anyone available that day. I will maybe try to have someone on the phone with me when they first get here. I need Jordan to do deal with the manager, just Jordan. ...continue reading
It's cold. I'm aching. This Lupus moment has been brought to you by Samsung Smartphone's, where overheating batteries double as cordless heating pads.
After reading in bed, I realized my phone was warm. I cupped it then held it to my face relishing the warmth, then I remembered that my smartphone is a Samsung and this bad boy will explode. Time to turn on the real heating pad, the one dressed in cotton cloth with yellow roses. The fabric may have yellow roses on it but it still smells of lavender. The rest of the room hints sandalwood and sage. I get my sandalwood incense from Ebay once a year for little of nothing. ...continue reading
I'm sorry I didn't sit down and study or answer the phone or write a letter that needs to get out. I'm sorry I didn't do the laundry or get a shower. I had a long lavender bath last night but I planned one for today.
I've been running from anger, depression and from physical pain.
I wasn't supposed to be the one to take calls yesterday but I did. I feel useful when I'm able to talk to someone who has chronic pain and just be there with them through it.
I sit here wanting to type more but I keep putting my hands to cover my race as I rock back and forth with anxiety. I'm walking the path to depression. My body hurts because it's ill but it also hurts because I can't stand that he's gone. I can't stand it. I can't seem to get my sister out of my head and I can't stop thinking of the mistakes I made so I ran.
As I finished an image for My Face My Art a cruel voice in my head reminded me that I'm worthless. My gut felt heavy. I wanted to curl in the fetal position and face the wall with my back to everything; anything that might be damaged by my existence.
If this feeling could be weighed, one person couldn't hold it.
I didn't review the images on a day where self image was greater than zero, perhaps I should have. Still, I look at some and think they aren't that bad. They show how much my eyes are becoming a problem.
I would search to find words that contradict the negative talk but I don't really want to. ...continue reading
5:08 pm EST
I'm lost in this, trying to get out of my skin. This hurts so bad and I'm scared. I hate this!!
I've been hitting 9's since Sunday. It's not immediate, it's a gradual rise as I move around, as the air hits me or I move my head and my hair moves across my back. My eyes close and it hurts, my fingers move across the keyboard and it hurts. I hurt, everywhere.
The last few days I've tried to distract myself online and around the house. I've even tried to ignore the pain but today is a day where I say enough, it's pain med time. I'm going to try to make myself comfortable and see if I can get some sleep. I'd rather not stay awake during this, not if I don't have to. But I don't want to go to sleep. I want my muscles to stop spasming so hard in my shoulders. I want to get things done, and I'm hungry.