The medical doctor suggested that Gabapentin withdrawal, not Lyrica is the culprit and that perimenopause is also playing a part in this emotional and medical crisis. She made some suggestions to improve the terrible mood swings such as Dong quai and Black cohosh. The University of Maryland explains why I chose to use Black cohosh despite possible weight gain. Again, I've chosen the lesser of two evils.
When asked why I didn't lower the dose of Lyrica when it was originally thought to be a problem, I told her, at this point I'm more afraid of the pain than of my mind. ...continue reading "Depression. Suicide. Medication. Perimenopause."
The symptoms are quite intense. Nightmares, anxiety and deep despair are a lessor evil than pain so I went against medical advice and didn't reduce the amount of Lyrica I'm taking.
My first thought is to type, "I know its risky, but you don't understand," however many do. Many get that its difficult to make a good decision when all the choices can harm you. If I don't take a mix of medication with severe side effects, then I run the risk of losing my mind due to pain. If I take the mix of medication with severe side effects I run the risk of hurting myself if the side effects don't taper off. That is if the problem is Lyrica. I'll get to that later.
This is a catch 22 with the medication and I made a temporary decision to continue this treatment course with daily, in person, observation by three close friends who are not medical professionals. One friend a day will be here for the next two weeks. I have therapy 2x a week for the next two weeks. I've also got regular activities and volunteer work to perform so I'm covered as far as being observed and supported.
While being supported, I may be tearful, anxious or suicidal. I know that word suicide is a scary one but let me state clearly that living at this level of physical pain is slow murder. So I'm going to take a calculated risk beside a strong support team. ...continue reading "Lyrica – Against Medical Advice"
He said I'm just a ball of pain and that I need to stop blowing steam at him. I stopped, looked at him and said, Did you just tell me to stop telling you I'm in pain. He said, yes, because its nonsense. Then he said, "I'm just telling it like it is. I shoot from the hip." I pointed to the nearly 40 frames on one wall having to do with his military career and congressional awards and I said, "You're a soldier, are you?" I said, "Some people aren't soldiers. Some people don't shoot from the hip or like being shot at, at all." I explained that if he didn't believe me then that's one thing, but to say, "stop blowing that steam" and tell me I'm speaking nonsense isn't an acceptable way to speak to me. ...continue reading "Neurology appointment. I’m not a soldier."
There has been a lot of sleep today but since it was nearly 60 degrees I decided to take a walk with Clyde. We did 4.5 blocks one way and 4.5 blocks back which is only about a half block longer than usual. Perhaps we would have made it the full 5 blocks had we not been blocked by a flock of free roaming chickens. Seriously, this is Indiana but come on y'all, control your chickens! A flock. Okay, a gang of 'em, running loose. Don't let your chickens run around rough, stopping walkers trying to escape depression! There could have been happiness at the full 5 block goal but I'll never know cause of the hoodlum fowl.
After a successful escape from free roaming chickens, Clyde and I returned to the safety of our home and went straight to bed. I know I'm sleeping a lot but I can't keep my eyes open. And, I'm not trying to. I'm eating, sleeping, caring for myself, cleaning my apartment, sewing, creating and letting this depression play out. I'm just going with it. I'd be lying if I said I'm okay. I'm not okay. I'm exhausted, spent, needy and anxious.
I'm safe. I'm supported. I'm prepared.
...continue reading "Okay with not being okay"
I should call this entry, the big baby has pizza and now she's happy. It's comfort food. Pizza is my comfort food. It's in the oven now, bubbling with my herb blend, fresh garlic, three cheeses and two meats in a cast iron skillet. I'm gonna slice up a huge portion of self soothing.
Also in the 'this is a healing thing' category is the response I got concerning the last doll I made and adopted out. I smiled through the entire email. That really made me happy.
I am teetering and I know it. I've decided not to fight it. Maybe it won't last as long if I'm not trying to fight against an inevitable break. Spasms and new medication as well as grief has pushed me further than I needed to go and I can see that plainly. If I can't stop this train from hitting the wall at least I can pad the wall. I can brace properly so the impact isn't as devastating. I can prepare by getting my emotional emergency gear in place. There will be pizza. There will be pepperoni, quality pepperoni, sweet Italian sausage and several kinds of cheese. There will be art supplies on the ready and a list of ways to keep myself healthiest.
This time of cracking up includes Clyde which is a good thing because I don't have to do this alone. Nights can get so hard, and long.
My pizza sauce has caraway seeds and rosemary so that it tastes similar to Pizza Hut. The crust has a bit of corn meal in it which crisps up quite nicely in a well oiled cast iron skillet. I bake the crust first then add the toppings. Most of the sauce is served on the side so that the crust doesn't get too soggy.
It's been difficult physically and emotionally over this way. I'm struggling to keep sanity it feels like. I feel like I'm on the edge of it. Between my body and nightmares, I'm just exhausted.
I'm hungry. There's plenty of food to eat but nothing I really want. I just want to sleep off the yuck. What I want is pizza but I don't want to have to cook it myself. I'm being such a baby.
In therapy today, over the phone, we talked about Michelle who is 15 years old. She really enjoys walking the dog. I also found out she likes our scarves quite a bit, especially the orange ones. There are 5 orange scarves here, lol. They're added to our coat or jacket and don't make us look anything like the green lady from Brooklyn we saw online today. ...continue reading "Difficult days. Killers and mothers. A mess of topics."
Today was another day where I had spasms. The pain gets so bad it frightens me. I want to run from it.
There's loneliness with pain. I'm not sure why but it's a lonely feeling to be in pain like that. It's even more odd when it's over and I'm out walking the dog as if nothing happened. It's strange. I mean, I slept hard after it but when I woke I got up and walked the dog as if I hadn't, hours before, gotten too close to crossing the line between sane and insane. I feel like I'll lose my mind. ...continue reading "Bad Day – We Make A Good Team"
I complained about Zanaflex saying I can't stay awake and that I can't tolerate this stuff, but I was violently reminded why this medication is part of my regimen. There is no justifiable reason for one's body doing this stuff, for spasming so hard that panic sets in. Again, I looked around for someplace to run, for a way to get away from myself. I have to remember to breathe, to use my coping skills for pain management so as to help myself emotionally through the spasms and burning sensations.
Yesterday it was my left side that bound hard, let go, bound up then let go. The thing is, at one point it the muscle on my left side spasmed and held. I tried not to panic. I went to the room and got in a position that helps ease muscle spasms in that area. I put my feet on the wall in a bent knee position to get a good, deep stretch. Also on the wall are trigger point pads for my feet. Since my feet are sensitive I have to put them under the hanging quilt so the points are dulled just a bit. The position helps. It took about 10 min in that position to feel a difference. By then medication time rolled around and I could take more Zanaflex....and sleep off the horror. I wasn't upset about sleeping, not this time.
CRSD is a violent, unrelenting, sadistic disease. I'm amazed at the different ways it can find to harm the human body and maim the mind. PTSD associated with medical trauma is no longer a new understanding for me.
It's a different kind of world when photos of your feet on a padded wall becomes a photo op for a blog entry. I wasn't in pain at the time of the photo.
She said she'd start me out on 4 mg 3x a day and that we'd mix it with Lyrica and Cymbalta. She said it would be okay. It'll make you sleep, she said. Oh my Lord, this isn't sleepy, this is comatose...insane ..... and yet it is better than fire and pain with spasms.
I've tried to back off 4 mg to 2 mg but there's an intolerable rise in pain. I'm either comatose or in pain. Is there a happy medium? I'd take a level 6 or 7 pain if I can function, stay awake, clean my house, not drown while washing my hair cause I fell asleep in the shower.
Oh, yeah, one improvement has been less anxiety. That was off the charts for a bit, but there's significantly less anxiety right now. Zanaflex has helped with cluster headaches and spasms the way no other medication has, but I'm drugged beyond functioning.
I have a dadblasted cold. Dang it. I'm not a big baby all the time. My nose is running, heads all stopped up. No fever, thank goodness. Time for more honey and lemon. I won't be going in to see Dr. D tomorrow because of feeling like death warmed over.
My dreams weren't good but they didn't plague me. I laid in bed for a bit and watched a short lecture then got ready for therapy. We talked about how wonderful it's been to have my new buddy and how there's renewed courage to leave the house and go further than usual. I can't explain why a dog gives me that courage but he does.
We talked about the gift of sleep and how I can close my eyes and go to sleep without looking at the door fearing someone from my past will be standing there. It's not possible to stand in the doorway without Clyde letting me know. So I close my eyes and go to sleep....because I can.
The anxiety is still out of control with no real answer as to why. It's there, it's huge and it's not going anywhere soon. Dr. D and I went over a few things that could assist with managing it. We talked again about getting a stationary bike. I have to do something physical to relieve anxiety like this. Sometimes I just need to run from myself, get out of my skin and my head. I remember riding a bike back when I had a measure of health to do so. Man I miss it terribly. That's one of the best feelings ever. I know this bike will be stationary but my current need for it will be met because the motion of riding is what I seek. I figure since this is holiday time I can put one in the layaway at Walmart or something. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Managing Anxiety. Relief"