I've tried to write this entry since Monday but I've run from it. I don't really want to write it because it hurts.
Therapy was hard, as usual. We went over the dream where the man was stabbed in the hallway. As I told Dr. D the part about hearing the man stabbed to death while hiding in the closet, Dr. D blurted out, "You know that's your brother, right?" I said, "Yes, and my sister." Here I am age 46 and I can still hear them both scream. I can still feel the fear as if I were backed in a corner watching, again. I told Dr. D that hearing my siblings abused or seeing it happen often felt worse than being abused myself. I remember it so clearly and I am certain it's what divides us to this day. ...continue reading "Therapy Review – Slaughtering Peace of Mind"
Entry Content: In some areas the dream was funny, strange and then ended violently. There is some sexual conversation, no abuse of children. Violent stabbing deaths. Mention of self injury.
Dream: I was standing in line in a food court with two restaurants serving my favorite food on both sides, but I was in a different line for a free hamburger. I stood in a very long line for what felt like forever. Finally I was at the front and ready for my order when a family of four walked right up to the front and began placing an order. I explained I'd been there and politely went on ordering but they kept talking to me. The family was so nice and talkative that I didn't realize while they talked to me, more family members arrived and ordered their meal for 15 people right under my nose. For my inconvenience, and much to my delight, the company gave me a free 13 inch sweet potato pie with my hamburger. ...continue reading "Dream Therapy: Murder and Powerlessness 1"
Feelings upon waking:
Fearful. Fearful! I was trembling as my mind went over the crazy parts of this dramatic dream. After I woke I kept saying, 'I'm sorry' over and over again as if somehow dreaming something so violent was my fault. In addition to that guilt, there was guilt for not helping the man in the hallway who was viciously and savagely killed. I listened to him scream and die while cowering behind the closet door. I was anxious and regrettably chewed up my fingers. This is self harm.
This dream is one day old but it's still a heavy one for me, especially since it resulted in an attack on myself. Why self-injury? To change the fear emotion that overtook me and to counter, over shadow flashbacks caused by the dream. I was shaking in bed, apologizing out loud for being weak. I wasn't thinking about the consequences of my actions. I was caught in emotion. I was not thinking straight. Another apology is needed, this time to myself. ...continue reading "Dream Therapy: Murder and Powerlessness 2"
Dr. D wanted me to think about the dream from May 22, 2017 that we discussed in our session. I went back and highlighted words for us to discuss in our next session. This dream brought up quite a bit.
In the dream I got off an elevator and walked down the hallway to my apartment. As I did I saw a man leaving my apartment with a big box. He'd robbed me. He didn't try to hide his face. He left the door open. The thief took my cat Mary Jane. He took every piece of art I have including off the walls. He took all the stamps I handmade and my tea collection. When I saw that all my art was gone I laid on the bed and cried. He stole my blankets and pillows and left the bed with just a red sheet. He took everything, and got away with it.
Dr. D asked what I think the dream means. I told him it's exactly how I feel right now, robbed and at times powerless. The red sheets are interesting though. It's a power color, primarily positive for me. Even when a person is stripped and knocked down it doesn't mean they are without hope. However, in the dream, I was devastated and felt targeted. The man stole all my art. That hurt so badly. By stealing my art, he stole my voice. The theft felt personal. The brazen, unmasked robber took my comfort and security and he got away with it. (cue mother issues).
My mother is dead. My brother is dead. My sister is wasting away, drowning in guilt, anger and fear. I have no inheritance. Its gone because my mother did not protect it. No one thinks to themselves, I may have someone take over everything because I'm going to develop Alzheimer's.
In 1992 when I left that home I knew I'd caused major upset in family dynamics. When I changed my name I knew I'd given up absolutely everything that would have come to me, everything. The thing is, do we ever really expect our parents to die when we look at them as gods? When they stand tall as tyrants over the children they abuse, they're seen as all powerful, unstoppable. There is no future, there's nothing to ground you, nothing to hold on to. So how could I have really known she'd truly disown me and that she and my sister would pretend I do not exist? It wasn't until 2012 that I discovered they'd erased me from their lives. She presented herself as a woman with one daughter. My sister presented herself as an only child.
As a child, my mother showed only her professional side to onlookers. She was well put together and had guys flanking her. If you've ever seen a guy rush to open a door for a pretty girl, that's what happened to my mother all the time. She truly was physically beautiful, but her focus was money and doling out pain.
It wasn't quite like the movie Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome because Tina Turner didn't show up fierce or sing that awesome song, but it was a wasteland full of mad men. Follow up comments explain why this is typical of how my dreams take me in this direction.
In the dream I was in a place that felt like a modern day devastated city that never grew another tree or flower from the point of devastation forward. Trees and flowers that survived never grew another inch, nor did they die. The place I lived was like a large outdoor prison setting with bunk beds and other housing made of fallen trees and scraps of metal. It wasn't a prison, it was a psychiatric ward. I was sent there for the death of three children; me, my sister and my brother.
The psychiatric compound housed people who were cannibals, murderers and social throwaways. We were pit against one another for the pleasure of the guards. We endured our own issues and battled the issues of others. Still, some of us were able to grow close to one another in confidence. I had two friends, both cannibals, both sent to the compound for eating large parts of their own flesh. I remember thinking how hard it must have been to fight those thoughts. They knew it wasn't normal yet they had to do it and others were well aware of what they'd done. That wasn't a life I ever wanted.
In this dream I lived in a part of the world that was green and lush but unaffected by time. No plant life grew past the point where time stopped, nor did it ever die. We still had day and night but all fixtures and nature stayed the same, never changing.
Dream content: No violence or abuse. Changling. Half breeds. Lavender.
I lived in a hotel where I observed a man playing tricks on people by laying in the street pretending to be hurt. He dressed himself like a woman in a white dress and laid partly on the sidewalk and part way in the street. He laughed hysterically when he scared people. After a bit of this he turned into a white wolf hybrid. A man came and put a leash on him and began walking him.
I'm still awake, a bit nervous and going back and forth between wanting to isolate and feeling nervous. I've got YouTube playing as well as music on the ipod and a game on the tablet. It's as if there's so much anxiety I don't know what to do with it. I'm running emotionally.
I set up the new frog tank and listened to the Waterfall which sounded so peaceful. I considered laying down to relax and listen but I was afraid to let go.
I had a dream that my mother drove a car with my sister in the passenger's seat while I hung outside of the car enjoying the breeze. At one point I told my mother I wanted in the car but she refused to let me in. She sped up then turned a corner and slammed into a red car. In slow motion I saw my mother and sister sustain injuries they could not survive. I was thrown beyond the wreckage where I was in and out of consciousness. On a rescue gurney I asked about my family. They wouldn't answer. I was in and out of consciousness and realized I was dying. I knew better than to look at my body. I figured I was messed up pretty badly. I closed my eyes and slipped away.
In another dream the same night, I was a kitten in a feral community. My momma took me to an abandoned house where another cat brought her young kitten. The kitten curled up next to me to sleep. I thought it was the greatest thing ever.