Content: Aunt tried to kill herself. Brief discussion of cocaine. Death.
The gist is that my aunt refused to call me by my name, called me everything else. I refused to answer. Then she called me a 'bitch' so I gave her a full account of how much I hate her. I reminded her that she has "everything" others work their whole lives for: a boat, house, vacations, good job, yet she's unhappy. I went as far as to tell her that even though everyone else knows it, she's in love with someone who doesn't love her back and that's the real reason she's unhappy. I said she should let his gay self go and find a straight man. ...continue reading "Dreams: Burying Fantasies"
In my therapy session today we talked about the dream I had just before he called. In the dream I was 47 but in the 2nd grade. I sat as an adult in South Korea with second grade children in class. The teacher taught evolution but one student spoke up to the teacher and class about why Jehovah's Witnesses believe in Creation. I offered a few supporting comments but it was hard to concentrate because the stereotypical shoes they gave me to wear were a podiatry nightmare. You could tell the American students from others because we were hopping like bunnies in the shoes. (hey don't judge lol lol it was just a dream. lol)
In a different dream I was sleeping next to my mother in bed as an adult. The bed was out in the open, in the middle of a town fair. There was a band, baton girls, food stalls and of course football because this is after all the Midwest. So we were sleeping on her stripped bed, nothing but a mattress. It was the same mattress from my childhood that she abused my family on. So she and I slept. My back was to her when she put her arm around me in a very loving, motherly way. I wanted it to be safe and allowed it. Finally I relaxed enough to feel a mother-daughter connection with her. It felt good. Then she realized she was cold because I hogged all the covers. ...continue reading "Therapy Review : Love Me"
A man kept a house with several women tied up with chains. Some he broke so that they didn't try to run. He kept a lion that he fed live humans. It was the largest beast I'd ever seen.
I and another woman were caught as prey. We were in a container waiting to be eaten but I saw a way out and took it. As I escaped the grounds, the Master of the house attempted to stop me. He was furious that I tried to get away. How dare I get so far away from his traps, from his control. He was angry, offended and really wanted to the mastery over me, to throw me to the lion. I was getting away until the Mistress of the house emerged and demanded I return inside. She told me I had to go inside, I had to listen to her. The Master couldn't believe his fortune, that I'd escape the property only to willingly return at the voice of a dominate woman. He was so excited he could hardly contain himself. I woke before reentering the house.
Dr D and I discussed the dream in session today. We talked about how it feels like the Mistress is more my situation than a specific person. The Lion is the beast I face. I'm not always strong so I'm the broken woman who won't run, the new captive not yet broken and the spirit that'll find a way out. But when it's all said and done, I still have to face the Lion in yet another surgery. I'm torn and will be torn more. Parts of me are gone that I can't get back no matter who I out smart or out run. ...continue reading "DREAM : The Mouth of Lions"
This morning's nightmares are the straw that could break the camels back as I struggle with the emotional side of health and pain levels. In order to keep walking the line I need to take a moment to breathe.
I feel a bit angry. I woke up angry from dreams and memories that disgust me. There are the sounds of abuse that haunt me that will be drowned out by my choice of music and honestly a few tears. It feels important to take a moment, pause, let myself cry and then go forward.
During this breather I'm not answering the phone or texting but there will be a lot of emergency self soothing. I'm planning grilled cheese sandwiches and soup. I'm going to snuggle with my electric blanket that smells of lavender.
Today it's me, Super Clyde, my sketchbook and a big pot of tea. In a beautiful, hot, lavender and rose bath, I'm going to wash away every bit of last night's dreams and make sure I have enough inner strength to be productive.
There's something about having another living thing making noise that helps me feel less alone. Skip to 20 seconds for the start. His big performance is at 55 seconds. This is what Clyde does while doing his service dog duties of laying on my legs to help with the pain. He falls asleep and snores. Gotta love it.
There was one night when he snored so loudly that he woke me. I was groggy from medication and not clear who was snoring. I had to talk to myself to bring me back to 2017 where I do not sleep in a room with my sister. Usually his snoring doesn't trigger it, it makes me feel safe but some of the content of my therapy session concerning abuse got mixed up in current reality and grog. ...continue reading "Snoring. Dreaming of Flashbacks. Losing Mary Jane."
I had a dream that I had two roommates in a house where students rented rooms. I was a renter as well. I had permission to decorate the living room which I did with plants and art. Then some other student came in and completely rearranged the living room using my plants and my art.
He moved it all around the way he wanted it. I got in his face and yelled at him bc he wasn't listening to reason. I tried to purposely offend him by calling him out of his name but nothing worked. No one would tell him to stop. It didn't matter that he was the newest roommate, he could do what he wanted to do. ...continue reading "Dream: Free Reign. Hatred and Racism"
I've tried to write this entry since Monday but I've run from it. I don't really want to write it because it hurts.
Therapy was hard, as usual. We went over the dream where the man was stabbed in the hallway. As I told Dr. D the part about hearing the man stabbed to death while hiding in the closet, Dr. D blurted out, "You know that's your brother, right?" I said, "Yes, and my sister." Here I am age 46 and I can still hear them both scream. I can still feel the fear as if I were backed in a corner watching, again. I told Dr. D that hearing my siblings abused or seeing it happen often felt worse than being abused myself. I remember it so clearly and I am certain it's what divides us to this day. ...continue reading "Therapy Review – Slaughtering Peace of Mind"
Entry Content: In some areas the dream was funny, strange and then ended violently. There is some sexual conversation, no abuse of children. Violent stabbing deaths. Mention of self injury.
Dream: I was standing in line in a food court with two restaurants serving my favorite food on both sides, but I was in a different line for a free hamburger. I stood in a very long line for what felt like forever. Finally I was at the front and ready for my order when a family of four walked right up to the front and began placing an order. I explained I'd been there and politely went on ordering but they kept talking to me. The family was so nice and talkative that I didn't realize while they talked to me, more family members arrived and ordered their meal for 15 people right under my nose. For my inconvenience, and much to my delight, the company gave me a free 13 inch sweet potato pie with my hamburger. ...continue reading "Dream Therapy: Murder and Powerlessness 1"
Feelings upon waking:
Fearful. Fearful! I was trembling as my mind went over the crazy parts of this dramatic dream. After I woke I kept saying, 'I'm sorry' over and over again as if somehow dreaming something so violent was my fault. In addition to that guilt, there was guilt for not helping the man in the hallway who was viciously and savagely killed. I listened to him scream and die while cowering behind the closet door. I was anxious and regrettably chewed up my fingers. This is self harm.
This dream is one day old but it's still a heavy one for me, especially since it resulted in an attack on myself. Why self-injury? To change the fear emotion that overtook me and to counter, over shadow flashbacks caused by the dream. I was shaking in bed, apologizing out loud for being weak. I wasn't thinking about the consequences of my actions. I was caught in emotion. I was not thinking straight. Another apology is needed, this time to myself. ...continue reading "Dream Therapy: Murder and Powerlessness 2"
Dr. D wanted me to think about the dream from May 22, 2017 that we discussed in our session. I went back and highlighted words for us to discuss in our next session. This dream brought up quite a bit.
In the dream I got off an elevator and walked down the hallway to my apartment. As I did I saw a man leaving my apartment with a big box. He'd robbed me. He didn't try to hide his face. He left the door open. The thief took my cat Mary Jane. He took every piece of art I have including off the walls. He took all the stamps I handmade and my tea collection. When I saw that all my art was gone I laid on the bed and cried. He stole my blankets and pillows and left the bed with just a red sheet. He took everything, and got away with it.
Dr. D asked what I think the dream means. I told him it's exactly how I feel right now, robbed and at times powerless. The red sheets are interesting though. It's a power color, primarily positive for me. Even when a person is stripped and knocked down it doesn't mean they are without hope. However, in the dream, I was devastated and felt targeted. The man stole all my art. That hurt so badly. By stealing my art, he stole my voice. The theft felt personal. The brazen, unmasked robber took my comfort and security and he got away with it. (cue mother issues).