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I told Dr. D I feel creatively constipated, and I do. I'm struggling with this painting. Her dress isn't finished. It'll eventually be a little girl in a red dress  ...continue reading "The Child’s Face. Depression Rising."

I often sound like I hate her. I don't. I sound like I haven't given an ounce of forgiveness. I think an important point about giving my mother forgiveness is knowing she never asked for it or acknowledged needing it. She never knew she'd received it.

Several years ago I said I give my mother full forgiveness. What that means is I asked nothing back from her crimes against me. Her debt to me was dissolved. This personal step wasn't an over night process. It was/is a personal understanding and has only to do with what was done to me. What was done to others is a totally different story.

What do I mean when I say I forgive my mother? It's clearer to explain what I don't mean.

  • Forgiveness doesn't erase guilt or payment to society for crimes against me and them.
  • My pain hasn't ended, it's been redirected and eased.
  • Even after forgiveness there is still a lot of work in therapy to complete.
  • It doesn't mean there's no anger or mean that the abuse doesn't matter.

What does forgiveness mean for me? It means and meant:

  • I stopped asking for justice in my case.
  • It meant I didn't want to kill her anymore.
  • I didn't want to see her suffer or die the way she died.
  • If ever the law decided she must be charged, I didn't want to be the one on the other end of handing down sentencing for what she did to me. That's the key right there. I didn't want to be the one to hand down sentencing.

Acknowledgement from the public, financial compensation, life in prison and even her death can not give back what was so viciously stolen away. ...continue reading "The who, what, when, where and how of forgiveness"

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I got a call from a medical supply company saying I don't have the right kind of pain for my insurance to cover TENS unit pads.

I laughed. She said, "I can hear the anger in your voice." I said, "As we speak, my shoulder muscle is so tight that my pain level is rising higher than I can stand." She said, "If it were up to me I'd sell you a TENS unit on your insurance, but it's not up to me. You don't have the right kind of pain" I said, "Please read to me the dx on my chart." She read off 5 major illnesses. I said, "Tell me please, what kind of pain am I missing?" She said, "Neck pain." I must have neck pain for 3 months before my insurance will pay for the pads that make my TENS units work. I mentioned the current problem, the DJD, the herniated disks I've been dealing with for two years now. Of course I have neck pain, but that's not listed as 'a major event'. A major even? ...continue reading "Not the right kind of pain"

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I have questions. I wonder why North Korea has to be wiped off the map, completely annihilated. Is it an all or nothing situation? How will a deployed nuclear weapon affect the rest of the world? What is the clean up effort after or do you intend to just leave the land and water around it abandoned and destroyed? ...continue reading "Questions About War"

Funerals have a way of making you think about life in deeper terms and with focused eyes.

Charlie goes homeAt the funeral I ran into 6 of kids that come here. They're going to be at the Hall for my first talk. I'm so happy they're going to be there. The oldest girl is going to record it for me.

I don't think I've been hugged so much in one day. Yes, it hurt and yes I required pain meds after, but I wouldn't have traded those hugs for anything or passed them up. They moved but they are still able to come here and to come to my Hall. That makes me happy. ...continue reading "Adjusting positive focus"

I went to a funeral today. One of the things about JW funerals is that half of Indianapolis shows up, including people I knew as a child in foster care. It was incredible to see them after all these years, yet it brings back memories best kept at a distance.

Those families don't know half of what went on at my mother's house and all of why I was in their care. What they do know is my birth name. For an hour and a half I was called by my birth name which didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. That tells me there's a greater distance between me and that name, than years prior.

When people I used to know came up to me and talked to me, using that old name, it was surreal. I didn't offer much information, just that I changed my  name legally. One old friend looked me in the eye, smiled and said with such acceptance "Faith!" It was nice to have her call me that and not challenge it. ...continue reading "Funeral services. Seeing foster parents."

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Teeth
It's been a very long day. The day started off at the dentist. I went to bed early and got a decent night's sleep. I even slept through half of the dental appointment. I wasn't nearly as afraid this time, especially since I remembered to take 2 mg of Klonopin before I went.

My fav employee sat with me through the appointment. We talked about tea and the Bible. They put the laughing gas on and I acted like it was weed. I took a deep, deep breath and held it. lol. I did it several times until my head felt kind of floating then I breathed normally. The needles were difficult but manageable.

I was determined I was going to finish these appointment and I did. What I didn't realize was the office personnel realized how difficult it was for me to do. I appreciated the validation and even the praise for finishing this huge treatment. To my surprise I was given an Oral-B Vitality Floss Action Electric Rechargeable Toothbrush. How awesome is that?

There was difficulty with numbing me. I wondered if it had anything to do with the CRSD. I don't know, but she numbed between teeth she wasn't even working on so that the main nerve she as trying to numb would actually numb.

Yes!!! Now that's a doctor worth seeing again!
At one point we decided not to try to numb the left side again. There was medium level pain as she worked over there but I just dug in and managed it. Honestly, I felt like an adult survivor, not a child. What I pulled on from inside was separate from what I pulled on to endure abuse by my mother.

At one point I thought the dentist was going to numb my tongue. She leaned over me and said, what we're doing here is separate from what happened to you. She said something about how this was different and that she wouldn't do anything other than dental work which did not include putting a needle in my tongue. I can't tell you how helpful that was. She leaned over and said the right thing. I was able to get grounded and finish the last appointment. It feels like a huge accomplishment.

The dentist told me to get Act mouth wash which I can purchase at Dollar Tree. She suggested I get prescription tooth paste but I didn't because it's $13 at the pharmacy. As a good faith measure, I'll fill that script as soon as possible. She went as far as to surprise me with that toothbrush. I'll take the next step for the script toothpaste sitting at my pharmacy.

In a separate issue, she wants me to come in for a cleaning every six months. We'll see. Even though I didn't have teeth removed in those sessions, she said I would qualify for a partial. I'd love to. The first thing I'm going to eat when I have a partial on the bottom is a bag of cashews, warm, buttery cashews....oh, and then some pecans. (insert happy clap)

Food
Of course no outing ever takes place without something interesting happening. lol. My well meaning fav employee said she loves black people's hair. I let her touch the dreadlocks. I should have charged a petting fee. Then there was a conversation about how she and the dentist have American Indian in them. Before I passed out in the chair, (I literally passed out) I mumbled about my grandfather's excessive use of peanuts or peanut butter in his Congolese cooking. I passed out and slept until they woke me.

I came home and did something, but who knows what. There's a blank space which might mean I was asleep. I know I added moss to the Chubby Frog tank. Man I love those things.

Faith

**** Within 10 min of posting, this need has been met. THANK YOU. Deep sigh of relief!!! And honestly, a few tears. ****

Not all of us get the same information at the same time. When I moved to this apartment it took a long time for all of us to understand that we moved. The information isn't common. It's not like one knows it so we all know it. The information has to filter to each one of us which can sometimes take a while. When our dog Captain died it was about 6 months later before one particular person knew it. With Mary Jane being sick, there has been a complication because the person who is now main care giver for her didn't know how to administer one of the medications. The meds were given wrong for several days but that has been corrected. They call what I have a disorder for a reason. I don't have Dissociative Identity Order.

With the correction of medication, I've sees my furry one roll in cat nip. I've not seen that kind of movement in her in over a month. ...continue reading "Frontline Barter Request. A Great Day"

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We talked about school. I told him that I brought it up last Friday but that he just said, oh, okay, and went on. I told him that he didn't ask a single question about it. I said, if I told you I was taking these classes at the local university you would have had questions. You would have asked when the classes start, what my class load is, where I'm taking the classes, what accreditation I'll receive and what my goal is. I said, you didn't ask me a single question. He said, why do you think that is? I said, because of the subject. I don't think you see it as valid.  ...continue reading "The Right Soil"

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I found out about an hour ago that Chester Bennington from Linkin Park killed himself. I'm from the Linkin Park era. I'm from the era where we wrote their lyrics on our school notebooks and watched Chester scream while wearing plaid. He was a strange attraction, someone we could relate to.

I've watched this band grow from kids to activists to fathers. I own every major CD they ever put out.

I know the history of many of the band players. I know how difficult their lives were and I know the songs meant a lot to them and to those who listened. When I heard Chester died it shocked me then the tears came because he killed himself. That's a totally different thing than dying, it means there was excruciating emotional pain that he had to end and that he was past hearing a voice that might help him out of his pain. Hearing that he took his life means Chester was suffering, that is what's behind the tears. I know suffering. I know it emotionally and physically and I hate to hear that others suffer, especially someone I felt a connection to through their music.

I know grief will bend you in half. It will break bones like they're toothpicks. He grieved. Boy did he grieve. I know the emotional toll grief has on a person especially when grieving the suicide of a friend or family member. It can break you, burn your eyes out. My God it'll eat you alive trying to grasp that someone you love committed suicide.  ...continue reading "Suicide is Complex, to say the least – Chester Bennington"

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