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I'm still sick but at least I'm up on an on the laptop. In a day or so I'll photograph the two new teddy bears made from soft, pink brushed suede. And after I've finished with this cold/ flu /dang disease, I'll finish the plastic bag holder doll I started.

I look forward to this winter being over! This stuff is getting very old. Clyde is bored out of his mind right now. We used to take a few walks a day, now we go out and get back in as soon as we can.

Sunday we had an ice storm.  Despite the storm I still had to take out the dog. So I got up and took him out then promptly fell on my backside on the ice. Turns out I'm not an Olympic skater. I did a 9 point fall and landed half way in the bush and half way on the ground. It was ugly, really. I laugh now but at the time I wasn't laughing at all. My breathing has been difficult in the cold so when I fell I hadn't been breathing that well, and I fell very hard! It knocked the wind out of me, scared me. I sat there for a minute paying attention to my heart and feeling all over to make sure I was okay. I'm okay, less a little pride, but okay.

How I've missed my laptop. I can't type on my tablet. The problem with the laptop is that it keeps trying to update Windows 10 but it can't. My computer won't restart correctly or something and so it shuts down. I restart manually then the computer tells me the update didn't take and will uninstall. Once I log back in the update tries to install again. I've done this no less than 15 times. This simply will no restart correctly for the update.

Because this thing is going to eventually crash, I've taken the time to back up everything on flash drives. I've also got the recovery flash drive for the computer if that needs to be done sometime down the road. It's just the update isn't taking. I wish I knew how to deny the update.

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The Pages Were All WrongDr. D and I discussed a situation with my sister that came up that required I stick to my boundaries, as hard as it is to do.

Despite my mother having gainful employment, we spent a lot of time living in the car. I have slept with frost over me, slept on the wet street and in the sweltering night. Homelessness for me is a huge trigger. It makes me recoil, makes my mind want to run and never think about the horrors of it, the way it strips you of dignity and humanity. The way people hate you, judge you and look down on you. Routine homelessness in my childhood and young adult life with my mother, has left a scar that opens into a wound during the winter time.

When I'm cold I can't breathe because I can see myself lying under a blanket in a broken down RV with no electricity, no water, no heat, no lock on the door. I could see my own breath, see the frost build up on my blanket and hear my sister cry curled up beside me. We were so close to one another I couldn't breathe. There with us should have been my teddy bear, the last possession I owned, but it was lost in the car we'd slept in that ended up being stolen. Homelessness is a horrible trauma I wish on no one at all, so why have I refuse to offer my home to my sister in need? ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Hard Choices and Boundaries with Family"

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This morning's nightmares are the straw that could break the camels back as I struggle with the emotional side of health and pain levels. In order to keep walking the line I need to take a moment to breathe.

I feel a bit angry. I woke up angry from dreams and memories that disgust me. There are the sounds of abuse that haunt me that will be drowned out by my choice of music and honestly a few tears. It feels important to take a moment, pause, let myself cry and then go forward.

During this breather I'm not answering the phone or texting but there will be a lot of emergency self soothing. I'm planning grilled cheese sandwiches and soup. I'm going to snuggle with my electric blanket that smells of lavender.

Today it's me, Super Clyde, my sketchbook and a big pot of tea. In a beautiful, hot, lavender and rose bath, I'm going to wash away every bit of last night's dreams and make sure I have enough inner strength to be productive.

Faith

 

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There's decent news to share in the way of an update I had this rash situation for 2 weeks, but w Lupus I didn't panic because Lupus throws rashes at you all the time. I'd been putting my thieves oil on it but it did nothing for the pain. That's why I went to the doctor, terrible pain. That's when I was told I have shingles.  Friday's appointment also told me I'm 2 weeks in to a 3 to 5 week endurance race. It hurts something fierce but I'm almost at half point when the virus will be shut down, dormant or whatever you want to call it. That's decent news. I'm not at the beginning and I'm no longer contagious.

I'll be on meds a bit longer and see my doc in 2 weeks.

List of foods not to eat when you have Shingles.
Did you know you're not supposed to eat chocolate when you have shingles? What? What kind of horrific disease do you have to have, to be told you can't eat chocolate? I mean seriously? It's insult to injury. If they'd said you can't have tea I would have laughed out loud. ...continue reading "Shingles: Decent news on Friday"

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I didn't have therapy today. I was in the hospital most of the day because of a complication with shingles. A friend of mine said, "What next?" I wanted to break her neck for saying it.

I didn't think I would get to talk to Dr. D before I went in which was terribly upsetting. When he did call, which was just as I was walking out the door, he ended up talking to one of my child personalities who was panicked. We were so afraid we'd not get to hear from him or have that support which we badly needed. For a few minutes he reassured her that he wasn't mad we couldn't be there and that he thought we should go in just as our doctor suggested.

I've just sort of swallowed the emotion associated with the issue. I'm a tad worn out so I've not allowed myself to feel the weight of it. Shingles hurt but there's an emotional side to it, too. That I've put off because my plate is too full to feel it.  ...continue reading "On Shingles and Angels"

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When I talked to Dr. D he asked how I did with him gone. I didn't want him to think I cared or needed him so I told him I did just fine. I told him I needed the vacation time too, which is true. I didn't want him to go for two weeks. The timing felt bad. I felt like I was in the middle of a medical crisis and really needed my therapist. He has this confidence that my friends will support me. My friends are confident my therapist will support me. I don't feel too supported with the depression and such lately. Someone else will do it, that seems to be the standard.

...continue reading "First session after vacation. Angry with the therapist."

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Dr. D and I discussed the paragraph in my entry where I said I feel as though he drops the ball when the issue of suicide comes up.

When I first went in to therapy I was nervous. I didn't want to be there at all because I knew I was going to talk to him about feeling less than fully supported by my therapist on the issue of suicidality. I feared he'd become defensive but he didn't.

I told him that he does ask questions but that its just information, nothing is done with it. It just hangs there. I said, you do ask how I'm doing but there's little of no response after I answer. I explained that when we talk about my anxiety he probes. He asks how I intend to manage it. I said, you are interested, concerned about those levels and it shows because you engage me. I explained that I don't feel the same level of interest or concern when discussing suicide. I said, you know, sometimes I call you and ask one question, "Am I going to be okay?" I started crying at that point and cried through the entire session. ...continue reading "THERAPY REVIEW: Confidence. Being Heard. Suicide. Perimenopause."

I'm going to turn comments off for this entry

I want to say I'm sorry for writing so much about feeling suicidal. I feel like I of all people should never feel this way, not after losing my brother to suicide, not after being so angry with my sister for feeling this way. I feel like a hypocrite. ...continue reading "Guilt for suicidal feelings"

Let her keep looking toward the light that shines before her. She will be imparted power by virtue of Him.

By Virtue of Him

Art Title: "By Virtue of Him"
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Size: 6.5 x 4.5
Media: Acrylic on cardstock

The small painting shows a young woman with her back to the dark and her body affected by it. She is still dressed in white, still looking upward for direction and hope. A light of white shines on her. Her hands come right through the color and darkness, leaving them open to hope.

In the partial finger painting you'll see layers of color and rich texture. Cranberry, midnight blue, vivid green, royal purple, gold and black make up the painting called "By Virtue of Him." The art is based on the Scripture at Philippians 4:13. It is my first overtly religious titled and purposed art on Sundrip.

Awhile ago I mentioned that there will be more art pieces along the lines of The Resilience Tree, which is currently in the Features Art Gallery. I mentioned there will be more mind scape pieces such as Snap Shot. Well, we can also look forward to Christian and spiritual based art in the near future. It's safe to say Sundrip has art for just about everyone. 🙂

Thanks for visiting me today,

Faith

The symptoms are quite intense. Nightmares, anxiety and deep despair are a lessor evil than pain so I went against medical advice and didn't reduce the amount of Lyrica I'm taking.

My first thought is to type, "I know its risky, but you don't understand," however many do. Many get that its difficult to make a good decision when all the choices can harm you. If I don't take a mix of medication with severe side effects, then I run the risk of losing my mind due to pain. If I take the mix of medication with severe side effects I run the risk of hurting myself if the side effects don't taper off. That is if the problem is Lyrica. I'll get to that later.

This is a catch 22 with the medication and I made a temporary decision to continue this treatment course with daily, in person, observation by three close friends who are not medical professionals. One friend a day will be here for the next two weeks. I have therapy 2x a week for the next two weeks. I've also got regular activities and volunteer work to perform so I'm covered as far as being observed and supported.

While being supported, I may be tearful, anxious or suicidal. I know that word suicide is a scary one but let me state clearly that living at this level of physical pain is slow murder. So I'm going to take a calculated risk beside a strong support team. ...continue reading "Lyrica – Against Medical Advice"

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