Skip to content

Let her keep looking toward the light that shines before her. She will be imparted power by virtue of Him.

By Virtue of Him

Art Title: "By Virtue of Him"
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Size: 6.5 x 4.5
Media: Acrylic on cardstock

The small painting shows a young woman with her back to the dark and her body affected by it. She is still dressed in white, still looking upward for direction and hope. A light of white shines on her. Her hands come right through the color and darkness, leaving them open to hope.

In the partial finger painting you'll see layers of color and rich texture. Cranberry, midnight blue, vivid green, royal purple, gold and black make up the painting called "By Virtue of Him." The art is based on the Scripture at Philippians 4:13. It is my first overtly religious titled and purposed art on Sundrip.

Awhile ago I mentioned that there will be more art pieces along the lines of The Resilience Tree, which is currently in the Features Art Gallery. I mentioned there will be more mind scape pieces such as Snap Shot. Well, we can also look forward to Christian and spiritual based art in the near future. It's safe to say Sundrip has art for just about everyone. 🙂

Thanks for visiting me today,

Faith

The symptoms are quite intense. Nightmares, anxiety and deep despair are a lessor evil than pain so I went against medical advice and didn't reduce the amount of Lyrica I'm taking.

My first thought is to type, "I know its risky, but you don't understand," however many do. Many get that its difficult to make a good decision when all the choices can harm you. If I don't take a mix of medication with severe side effects, then I run the risk of losing my mind due to pain. If I take the mix of medication with severe side effects I run the risk of hurting myself if the side effects don't taper off. That is if the problem is Lyrica. I'll get to that later.

This is a catch 22 with the medication and I made a temporary decision to continue this treatment course with daily, in person, observation by three close friends who are not medical professionals. One friend a day will be here for the next two weeks. I have therapy 2x a week for the next two weeks. I've also got regular activities and volunteer work to perform so I'm covered as far as being observed and supported.

While being supported, I may be tearful, anxious or suicidal. I know that word suicide is a scary one but let me state clearly that living at this level of physical pain is slow murder. So I'm going to take a calculated risk beside a strong support team. ...continue reading "Lyrica – Against Medical Advice"

2

He said I'm just a ball of pain and that I need to stop blowing steam at him. I stopped, looked at him and said, Did you just tell me to stop telling you I'm in pain. He said, yes, because its nonsense. Then he said, "I'm just telling it like it is. I shoot from the hip." I pointed to the nearly 40 frames on one wall having to do with his military career and congressional awards and I said, "You're a soldier, are you?" I said, "Some people aren't soldiers. Some people don't shoot from the hip or like being shot at, at all." I explained that if he didn't believe me then that's one thing, but to say, "stop blowing that steam" and tell me I'm speaking nonsense isn't an acceptable way to speak to me. ...continue reading "Neurology appointment. I’m not a soldier."

I should call this entry, the big baby has pizza and now she's happy. It's comfort food. Pizza is my comfort food. It's in the oven now, bubbling with my herb blend, fresh garlic, three cheeses and two meats in a cast iron skillet. I'm gonna slice up a huge portion of self soothing.

Also in the 'this is a healing thing' category is the response I got concerning the last doll I made and adopted out. I smiled through the entire email. That really made me happy.

I am teetering and I know it. I've decided not to fight it. Maybe it won't last as long if I'm not trying to fight against an inevitable break.  Spasms and new medication as well as grief has pushed me further than I needed to go and I can see that plainly. If I can't stop this train from hitting the wall at least I can pad the wall. I can brace properly so the impact isn't as devastating. I can prepare by getting my emotional emergency gear in place. There will be pizza. There will be pepperoni, quality pepperoni, sweet Italian sausage and several kinds of cheese. There will be art supplies on the ready and a list of ways to keep myself healthiest.

This time of cracking up includes Clyde which is a good thing because I don't have to do this alone. Nights can get so hard, and long.

My pizza sauce has caraway seeds and rosemary so that it tastes similar to Pizza Hut. The crust has a bit of corn meal in it which crisps up quite nicely in a well oiled cast iron skillet. I bake the crust first then add the toppings. Most of the sauce is served on the side so that the crust doesn't get too soggy.

Jordan

She nixed the Gabapentin and Cyclobenzaprine which no longer work for me and exchanged them for Lyrica and Zanaflex. I'm already on Cymbalta with Abilify. This is a combination I've not had before, one I really need to give some relief. I'd take a level pain 7 with no questions asked. If they could just get me to a 7. I know there are a few moderate potential problems with this mix but being in pain makes me willing to take the risk. I'm monitored very carefully.

I said this wasn't the doctor for me but we'll see. The first two appointments with her weren't promising but it's gotten better. She was pleased to see that I've lost 23 lbs since August. She was pleased to know I got Clyde and that we're walking daily. Today has been harder than usual because my left knee is swollen, so our walks aren't as far away from the house. We walk the courtyard several times which is a good leg stretch for us both. ...continue reading "Medications. GP Impression. Decompression."

Why do women cry in the bathtub while drinking a glass of wine? Is that in our DNA?

I had a wonderful lavender bath. When I got out I put on my lavender oil and gave myself a foot massage with the oil. You couldn't tell me I wasn't sexy. I mean seriously, all that lavender, all that water, dreads drenched and hanging, yeah, there was a moment when I thought, you can't tell me I'm not sexy. Ha ha haaaa. lol. 🙂 It felt good to tell you the truth. Usually I feel like a beast but if you mix lavender oil and DIY lavender bath bombs together you get a supple woman with a case of confidence. Like wow!

I refused to cry in my beautiful bath water. I refused. I wanted to but instead I laid back, used my loofah, sipped wine and enjoyed the flicker of a pear and sage candle. I thought to myself, this is how you live....this...is....how...you....live!  ...continue reading "No tears. The page has turned."

After Betty brought me home from a short shopping trip, she said to me out of the blue, "I feel I have a lot of making up to do." Surprised I said, "I don't know what you're talking about." She said, "Well I'm not going to give you a list." I laughed because it was blunt and purely honest, just funny to me so I laughed. She did, too. I left the subject alone because the last thing I want is to allow myself to believe she'll change. I need to keep up the protective walls I've built so she can't inflict careless wounds.

She's aware I don't trust her and that I am drawing away from her. She knows I have no longer desire to get closer or to try to know her better because she told me straight out that I don't need to know her and that I have to accept that. I am who I am, she said, and I'm not going to change. ...continue reading "A lot of making up to do"

Sir Clyde Austin looking Kingly

Racism and the police lives on.

Today I was harassed by the police for the crime of walking while black. It would appear that a black woman walking her dog warrants harassment.

Clyde and I were originally only going to go for a short walk but I decided to go down to the park, circle around and come back. As I got to the entrance of the park I noticed a police car coming towards me. I noticed him because the guy in front of him was nervous. He was relieved to see the police officer pull into the park and let him go on. I laughed inside and thought, "Maaannn u know u got weed in dat car." I chuckled inside and thought nothing else..... until I noticed the officer focused on me. That's when I got nervous. ...continue reading "Walking While Black"

5

Three weeks its been since I first inquired of this dog name Clyde. Several snags came up and I figured I wouldn't get the dog, thought it had all fallen through. I said if I didn't get him I'd concentrate instead on a six month vow to serve my community in a fuller way.

Here's what I know about Clyde.

  • He's got a funny name that I didn't like at first but that is too cute to change. It's silly and I now like it. I can't help but giggle when I say it, just like when I call my frog Chandler. I giggle. Strange name, cute animals.
  • Clyde has taken professional obedience classes and knows several service animal commands.
  • Clyde is laid back but has a need for regular walks which I am confident I can do.
  • He is a low key dog who needs a low key environment without a lot of intense stimulation.
  • He learns quickly and knows how to do compression for my legs which are often in pain. This is a key reason for getting a dog as opposed to a cat. I need the weight on my legs and sometimes my arms. I need a pet that will sleep with me so I can sleep instead of staying up until the sun rises. I can't explain how much I need another service dog to warm my heart with big brown eyes and slobbery kisses.
  • Clyde comes with all his food, bowls, leash and his crate. He's crate trained.
  • He's 6 years old, 60 lbs, neutered, chipped, not an excessive barker, shy with new people.

Clyde - a 60lb muttTwo people who are in my life have questions about the dog. "How can you afford a dog?" ..... "How are you going to take the dog out for a walk when you're in pain"....."I don't like dogs. He'll have to stay away from me." .... "What if he doesn't work out, what are you going to do then?"... The negative sisters have questions, some valid and some just typical of them.

I am not a 'love me, love my pet' kind of person. If someone states clearly that they don't want any part of the pet for whatever their reason, then so be it. I can respect that. I don't push my pets on people which means Betty will more than likely never even pet his little head. That's fine by me. She's under no obligation to like my pets. Her sister Snow prefers dogs at a distance. She likes them but doesn't want them all over her and doesn't want dog kisses. That's fine. I'm not offended by it. And for short visits I can put him in the room when need be. It's not like he'll be locked up all day or anything. No, he'll have a lot of one on one time with me and a few other people who are thrilled to death that we're this far into the adoption process that I was sure fell through. .... I feel the need to add that no friends are co-owning or sharing financial responsibility, including the adoption process.

soft ears and a tail that thumps makes my heart breathe easy

I hurt so badly. My heart is desperate. I need a companion animal. I can't stand life as it is right now. I look for the soft eyes of a pet and those eyes aren't there to tell me I'm okay. I look at the door wondering if my mother is standing there. I wish so much to have a dog I can learn to trust. If he's not barking and responding to sounds then no one is in my doorway, I don't need to keep looking up.

Last night in bed, last night after 2mg of Klonopin, last night after tears, I instinctively reached behind my back to caress the head of Mary Jane but she wasn't there. There is no soft purr to greet me and demand breakfast. Please, I need something gentle to balance the harshness of pain and grief. I just can't take my current load in life without a pet beside me. I need one.

Bringing in a dog is so much better than a cat. No more $30 flea and tick treatment. I can use diluted tea tree oil at $8 a bottle which will last forever. If he gets ill I am capable of caring for him better than I can a cat. Mary Jane's vet was 2 blocks away. That's where Clyde will go.

I expect the transition to be rough because there are many of me that have to get used to him. It'll be difficult for him because he's grown up in one home only. The transition will not be easy. I'm going to flip out because that's what I do. I flip out and panic!!! But flipping out isn't the same as giving up. It took a year before Mary Jane and I became a team. It'll take time for Clyde and I to work like a well oiled machine. I think I'm physically and emotionally up to the task.

If the adoption goes through I'll have 4 pets with a name starting with the letter C: Charlie, Cheesy, Chandler and Clyde. My baby boys would be the 4 C son's.

Soft ears and a tail that thumps makes my grief stricken heart breathe easy. Please let this be okay. Please let me get the right dog.

Faith

 

2

I told Dr. D I feel creatively constipated, and I do. I'm struggling with this painting. Her dress isn't finished. It'll eventually be a little girl in a red dress  ...continue reading "The Child’s Face. Depression Rising."

%d bloggers like this: