Today in physical therapy I stood up on my left leg. I wasn't happy or excited. I was incomplete.
What I want is to put my off brand Converse tennis shoes on BOTH feet, grab my cup of Earl Gray and walk back into the life I had. That is complete, that is what I want.
I also want it to be untrue that it would take 2 years to walk again.
I'm sorry that I'm not all thrilled that I stood up. I do feel appreciative for what was done for me and what is being done. It's not that at all. I'm grateful, but I'm also saddened by the loss. What time has there been to take in just how devastating the last few months have been? I've been counting my blessings because I narrowly lived, because I beat amazing odds. But I have not really digested much else. Now that the dust is settling I feel the weight of loss. That weight is heavy weather I stand on one leg or lay here punching letters on the screen. The loss is substantial, and it hurts.
I asked the physical therapist how I'll learn to walk if I can't feel my legs. He said I'd be taught to walk in front of a mirror so I can see my legs and make the mental connection to move them.
He went all over the legs and said the correct muscles work and that I'd have to retrain my brain signals to move my legs. He said, in time, up to 2 years, I'll go from the bed to the chair, a walker then walking on my own. Of course my head got tripped up by 2 years but the bottom line is that my walking prognosis is positive.
Despite being oxygen depleted from the waste down w collapsed veins from the hip down, and the blood clot on my heart, they feel I'll make a full recovery and enjoy a strong quality of life. ...continue reading "The Hemoglobin Nightmare"
I'm writing to you 12 days long in the ICU in an Indianapolis hospital. As you know I've had a pulmonary embolism, not my first. My body is full of blood clots and I'm not doing well. If I survive the blood clots I am at risk of losing toes. I've seen them, black, full of blisters. There are blisters up to my ankles that are about 4 inches tall and full of fluid. Breathing is difficult, energy ends quickly. I've got hematoma on my stomach and have gained 70 lbs in water weight. The kidneys aren't good.
I need to tell you that I've got a very long, long fight ahead. This is the step of Lupus that is scary. I get better or I quickly go down hill. I need to tell you that Sundrip will close its blogging doors come Monday, indefinitely. This will give people time to see the closed letter on the site.
I thought I would need to completely close my Etsy shop but I had a local volunteer who can revamp and take over for a while.
I have enjoyed my time online, almost 20 years! I am thrilled to have gotten to know so many artists and writers. Thank you for your work and words. Please, live free. Create well!
You can at times find updates on FB by logging in and searching for Faith Austin, or send me your FB link through SundripJournals@gmail.com. I can still be contacted in these ways. On FB you'll see photos of Sir Clyde romping about as well as sarcastic updates from me. https://m.facebook.com/sundrip
Thank you for being part of my growth and life for the last 19 years.
Smiles to you and yours,
I'm still sick but at least I'm up on an on the laptop. In a day or so I'll photograph the two new teddy bears made from soft, pink brushed suede. And after I've finished with this cold/ flu /dang disease, I'll finish the plastic bag holder doll I started.
I look forward to this winter being over! This stuff is getting very old. Clyde is bored out of his mind right now. We used to take a few walks a day, now we go out and get back in as soon as we can.
Sunday we had an ice storm. Despite the storm I still had to take out the dog. So I got up and took him out then promptly fell on my backside on the ice. Turns out I'm not an Olympic skater. I did a 9 point fall and landed half way in the bush and half way on the ground. It was ugly, really. I laugh now but at the time I wasn't laughing at all. My breathing has been difficult in the cold so when I fell I hadn't been breathing that well, and I fell very hard! It knocked the wind out of me, scared me. I sat there for a minute paying attention to my heart and feeling all over to make sure I was okay. I'm okay, less a little pride, but okay.
How I've missed my laptop. I can't type on my tablet. The problem with the laptop is that it keeps trying to update Windows 10 but it can't. My computer won't restart correctly or something and so it shuts down. I restart manually then the computer tells me the update didn't take and will uninstall. Once I log back in the update tries to install again. I've done this no less than 15 times. This simply will no restart correctly for the update.
Because this thing is going to eventually crash, I've taken the time to back up everything on flash drives. I've also got the recovery flash drive for the computer if that needs to be done sometime down the road. It's just the update isn't taking. I wish I knew how to deny the update.
Dr. D and I discussed a situation with my sister that came up that required I stick to my boundaries, as hard as it is to do.
Despite my mother having gainful employment, we spent a lot of time living in the car. I have slept with frost over me, slept on the wet street and in the sweltering night. Homelessness for me is a huge trigger. It makes me recoil, makes my mind want to run and never think about the horrors of it, the way it strips you of dignity and humanity. The way people hate you, judge you and look down on you. Routine homelessness in my childhood and young adult life with my mother, has left a scar that opens into a wound during the winter time.
When I'm cold I can't breathe because I can see myself lying under a blanket in a broken down RV with no electricity, no water, no heat, no lock on the door. I could see my own breath, see the frost build up on my blanket and hear my sister cry curled up beside me. We were so close to one another I couldn't breathe. There with us should have been my teddy bear, the last possession I owned, but it was lost in the car we'd slept in that ended up being stolen. Homelessness is a horrible trauma I wish on no one at all, so why have I refuse to offer my home to my sister in need? ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Hard Choices and Boundaries with Family"
This morning's nightmares are the straw that could break the camels back as I struggle with the emotional side of health and pain levels. In order to keep walking the line I need to take a moment to breathe.
I feel a bit angry. I woke up angry from dreams and memories that disgust me. There are the sounds of abuse that haunt me that will be drowned out by my choice of music and honestly a few tears. It feels important to take a moment, pause, let myself cry and then go forward.
During this breather I'm not answering the phone or texting but there will be a lot of emergency self soothing. I'm planning grilled cheese sandwiches and soup. I'm going to snuggle with my electric blanket that smells of lavender.
Today it's me, Super Clyde, my sketchbook and a big pot of tea. In a beautiful, hot, lavender and rose bath, I'm going to wash away every bit of last night's dreams and make sure I have enough inner strength to be productive.
There's decent news to share in the way of an update I had this rash situation for 2 weeks, but w Lupus I didn't panic because Lupus throws rashes at you all the time. I'd been putting my thieves oil on it but it did nothing for the pain. That's why I went to the doctor, terrible pain. That's when I was told I have shingles. Friday's appointment also told me I'm 2 weeks in to a 3 to 5 week endurance race. It hurts something fierce but I'm almost at half point when the virus will be shut down, dormant or whatever you want to call it. That's decent news. I'm not at the beginning and I'm no longer contagious.
I'll be on meds a bit longer and see my doc in 2 weeks.
List of foods not to eat when you have Shingles.
Did you know you're not supposed to eat chocolate when you have shingles? What? What kind of horrific disease do you have to have, to be told you can't eat chocolate? I mean seriously? It's insult to injury. If they'd said you can't have tea I would have laughed out loud. ...continue reading "Shingles: Decent news on Friday"
I didn't have therapy today. I was in the hospital most of the day because of a complication with shingles. A friend of mine said, "What next?" I wanted to break her neck for saying it.
I didn't think I would get to talk to Dr. D before I went in which was terribly upsetting. When he did call, which was just as I was walking out the door, he ended up talking to one of my child personalities who was panicked. We were so afraid we'd not get to hear from him or have that support which we badly needed. For a few minutes he reassured her that he wasn't mad we couldn't be there and that he thought we should go in just as our doctor suggested.
I've just sort of swallowed the emotion associated with the issue. I'm a tad worn out so I've not allowed myself to feel the weight of it. Shingles hurt but there's an emotional side to it, too. That I've put off because my plate is too full to feel it. ...continue reading "On Shingles and Angels"
When I talked to Dr. D he asked how I did with him gone. I didn't want him to think I cared or needed him so I told him I did just fine. I told him I needed the vacation time too, which is true. I didn't want him to go for two weeks. The timing felt bad. I felt like I was in the middle of a medical crisis and really needed my therapist. He has this confidence that my friends will support me. My friends are confident my therapist will support me. I don't feel too supported with the depression and such lately. Someone else will do it, that seems to be the standard.
...continue reading "First session after vacation. Angry with the therapist."
Dr. D and I discussed the paragraph in my entry where I said I feel as though he drops the ball when the issue of suicide comes up.
When I first went in to therapy I was nervous. I didn't want to be there at all because I knew I was going to talk to him about feeling less than fully supported by my therapist on the issue of suicidality. I feared he'd become defensive but he didn't.
I told him that he does ask questions but that its just information, nothing is done with it. It just hangs there. I said, you do ask how I'm doing but there's little of no response after I answer. I explained that when we talk about my anxiety he probes. He asks how I intend to manage it. I said, you are interested, concerned about those levels and it shows because you engage me. I explained that I don't feel the same level of interest or concern when discussing suicide. I said, you know, sometimes I call you and ask one question, "Am I going to be okay?" I started crying at that point and cried through the entire session. ...continue reading "THERAPY REVIEW: Confidence. Being Heard. Suicide. Perimenopause."