Category Archives: I’m only human

I see myself fall apart

5:08 pm EST
I’m lost in this, trying to get out of my skin. This hurts so bad and I’m scared. I hate this!!
Father!

I’ve been hitting 9’s since Sunday. It’s not immediate, it’s a gradual rise as I move around, as the air hits me or I move my head and my hair moves across my back. My eyes close and it hurts, my fingers move across the keyboard and it hurts. I hurt, everywhere.

The last few days I’ve tried to distract myself online and around the house. I’ve even tried to ignore the pain but today is a day where I say enough, it’s pain med time. I’m going to try to make myself comfortable and see if I can get some sleep. I’d rather not stay awake during this, not if I don’t have to. But I don’t want to go to sleep. I want my muscles to stop spasming so hard in my shoulders. I want to get things done, and I’m hungry.

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Russia Moves to Ban Jehovah’s Witnesses

What’s on my mind? Being called an extremist and knowing that my brothers and sisters in Russia are facing times like the days of Stalin’s Russia.

Russia’s Ministry of Justice Moves to Ban Jehovah’s Witnesses in Russia
“The Witnesses could lose properties dedicated to religious worship, almost 400 legal entities could be dissolved, and each of the over 170,000 Witnesses could be criminally prosecuted merely for meeting for worship, reading the Bible together, or talking to others about their faith.
Vasiliy Kalin, a representative of the Administrative Center in Russia, stated: “The profound desire of each of Jehovah’s Witnesses in Russia is just to be able to worship our God peacefully. For over 100 years, the authorities in Russia have trampled on the guarantees of their own laws, which grant us this right. I was just a boy when Stalin exiled my family to Siberia merely because we were Jehovah’s Witnesses. It is sad and reprehensible that my children and grandchildren should be facing a similar fate. Never did I expect that we would again face the threat of religious persecution in modern Russia.””

The ban may be okay with some. I know many are very anti-JW, but, you might want to think about what it means to worship freely. Continue reading

World events from youth to now

Some of these are out of order. They’re random events written down with a sleep deprived mind and a belly full of left over pizza and flat Cola. I should have had the 7up.

After I say what I need to say, will I have the courage to push the button, publish? This is my private Gehenna. Gehenna was an area outside of Jerusalem where a fire was kept burning for general trash and the bodies of criminals. If I place what’s in my head and leave it here, maybe I can get away from the smoke, breath easier and get some sleep.

In the 2nd grade I had a world map on my bedroom wall. What I wouldn’t give to have another world map. I have no idea where to get an affordable, large size world map. I always wanted a brown globe. Thinking of all the life on that circle, all the potential, the differences; it thrilled me as a youngster and still does. For a girl who doesn’t know directions, north, south, east, west, I’m all about geography. Funny how my brain works.

I used to look at the world map to see how far away Iran and Iraq were from my house.

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I am not your enemy

I do try so very hard to keep my FB page and my website free of the world’s wars and hatred, but sometimes it’s brought to my door and I feel compelled to answer it. The below comment are my words in response to an individual on FB whose family feels the strain of moving freely through the US border carrying valid identification and certificates.

You know what? I know all too well what it means to be a refugee. As I write this my heart isn’t sad, but angry! My grandfather is from Zaire (Congo). He watched his siblings and parents starve to death, one by one on US soil. He and his parents made up twelve souls but only he and two siblings lived to see help.

I know what it means to flee, to need and to die while waiting. I know well. I also know that friends of mine worry about their green card status, about being deported, denied housing, jobs, on and on…and we’re Christian…but our skin is dark and the countries they’ve come from put them on a list called ‘enemy’ when I and they are far, far from anyone’s enemy. This fear of deportation, of not being able to leave or come back freely touches sooo, sooo many people.

The anger that is being screamed into the ears of willing hateful hearts isn’t going to settle down, cool off in a little bit. It is an active hatred, a destructive anger, a ‘never again’ but ‘here we go again’ kind of hate.

You’re Arabic. I’m African, but we’re just people aren’t we? We have family and friends who are suffering attacks because of their religion or where they’re from or where they’re parents are from.

The fiery anger started slow and seemed like a joke. Deportations? Lists? Open racist? Nah, that’ll never happen ‘here’. Guess what people? It’s not just happening here, it’s happening to people you know. This isn’t comedy central news mocking a report of clear violation of human rights. We are real, live, individuals affected by this hatred. So I ask you to stop laughing at him, stop treating this like it’s going to blow over cause someone is going to step up. You step up. You stop spreading hate. You stop passing on political cartoons, you stop passing rage articles and start acting like what you say you want. You want peace, be peaceable, not silent.

Faith

Toxic Rise: Presents to Draw Me Back In

There’s this ‘thing’ people do who need you back in their toxic world after there’s a break. I figured Betty would do it and told Dr. D she would. Dr. D and I go over entries in sessions because I tend to process quite  a bit outside of therapy, but I told him, she’s going to try to give me a gift, it’ll be either something I really need or something I’ve been wanting.

It’s funny, with my guard up I know what to expect.  She will most certainly fulfill each and every aspect of her ‘malfunction’ because that’s what people with her ‘major malfunction’ do.

Today she showed up talkin’ ’bout, I have miniatures for your dollhouse. Oh,oh no you don’t. No ya don’t. …..I didn’t accept them, and won’t. She said, I’ve been looking around for a kitchen chair for you. I said, remember, you have no control over this household. No additions, no subtraction.

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Where is your daughter?

She: Where’s your daughter?
She, too: She’s right here.
She: No, I meant the pretty one.

The Pretty One - on the easel .
Oil stick on 98lb art paper, on the easel.

The Pretty One, Too - on the easel.
Ink on 98lb artists paper – on the easel.

Mind Maze - available

My Etsy shop has been updated with the watercolor and ink two page spread called “Mind Maze”.

Faith

Prednisone. Anxiety. Peaceful Rest

Reminder: Faith, you understand you can’t cure yourself, but you, without a doubt, know how to take care of yourself. You can be proud of that fact.

When a person is so frightened of something they may stop thinking, panic and make decisions that aren’t appropriate for the situation. Being so afraid of pain that you stop thinking can lead to longer pain. I am afraid, more than I can say, I’m afraid, but I’ve got my plan and I’m sticking to it.

Yesterday evening, not sure what time, my pain level started inching from the baseline 8 to a level 9. I can’t do a 9 and keep myself sane so I started to prepare for a long night. The first thing I did was put on the mix of Juniper essential oil, Rosemary essential oil and Lavender infusion. I went and got some complex carbs and backed it up with sugar; 2 pre-cut apple slices dipped in cashew butter with a dab of honey. I could feel my pain level drop within ten minutes of all this but that doesn’t mean anything, it could spike again.

After about 20 min and my pain level was at baseline I decided to do a foot bath of Espon Salt, baking soda and lavender infusion. I tossed in some fresh lavender, too. :-). Loved it.

Despite using Passion Flower for anxiety I’ve still struggled with it to the point that anxiety feels like it’s replaced my blood. All I’ve got running through my veins is anxiety. I have to remember that the steroid treatment will cause increased anxiety for me. I have the tools to ease that anxiety and I need to remember to take them. This is where falling into fear can get me in trouble. Freaking out means I don’t do anything but curl up in bed when there are steps I can take to help with some of the symptoms. Passion Flower tincture, candles, Klonapin, aromatherapy, heat therapy, weighted blanket, teas, on and on. These tools help me through bad times but they don’t cure it.

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Edited for clarity. Survivor mode. Better but not good.

Edited. I needed to come back and edit this entry to make a few clearer distinctions between individuals. When I read entries down the line and in a better state of mind, I want as little confusion as possible.

Subject: Feeling triggered by my friend Birdie’s mental illness episode and her anger, still feeling half out of my mind, paranoid

I know I’m not doing well but, there isn’t strong enough psychosis in the world to keep me from a good plate of nachos.

Other than finally getting the much desired cheesy delight, I had to manage a situation I really didn’t want to be in. My friend Birdie was to come over but she’s having some mental health issues right now. She’s very angry and I didn’t feel like getting spilled on. I figured I’d be a jerk if I said no you can’t come but she wouldn’t get a stable me if she showed up. She canceled, but something interesting happened when I took that call.

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Can I grow like this? Are my roots deep enough?

Subject: PTSD from chronic illness, suicide comments, shame, on the upturn, not feeling positive

P17fieldfma - on the easel I wonder if it’s possible for a patient to have PTSD after going through several physical pain experiences? This chronic illness torture makes me want to slice myself from navel to nose and and climb right out of your skin because my mind just can’t take another second of the current pain.

I fear it. I fear the next flare up. I want to say that while on the up turn from this flare that I’ll take advantage of each day I have where my pain is baseline, but I don’t feel all gung-ho, lets get back to life, jump in the deep end. I’m not going to jump up and down and proclaim, “I’m happy to be alive!” Excuse me if I don’t celebrate surviving that. I could use some nachos but I’ll skip the party. I do feel refreshed after such good sleep since Tuesday evening. I feel a lot better but………. sigh………..I’m shell shocked……and I’m angry.

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I’m not afraid of the crawl

Crawl 1- availableSometimes things get so messed up in my head. I see stuff out of the side of my eye, something running fast. When I turn my head it’s already gone.

I forget my hands are mine, they don’t even seem to belong to me. It’s like I’m sitting there and suddenly there’s a hand but I don’t recognize it as mine.

My skin doesn’t crawl but my mind does. It crawls with real or imagined emotion that can’t get past my head to show, to express . It swarms in my head like bees.

There’s something turning in my stomach. I bet it’s glowing. It’s round, moves a lot. I want to rip it out.

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