My head feels a little more stable than it was a few days ago.
I got a letter from my GP saying he will no longer work with me. This is the GP that made it very difficult to show up to appointments because he acted like he didn't want to be in the same room with me. I've talked about him a lot on this blog so I won't recount all the difficulties but I will say that it's a slap in the face.
I will also concede that I was wrong to leave the type of message I did. It was forceful. I asked her to explain why she can't get my meds right, the meds I've had for several years. I said, you first made a math error but now what's this error? I wasn't polite but again, I didn't yell or name call. I asked why they talked to my dentist when I didn't sign anything saying they could talk. I remember leaving that message and I remember thinking that I couldn't stop talking. I could see myself very animated but I couldn't stop. I won't say if it was a medical situation or mental health because I don't know. I don't normally leave confrontational voice messages. I don't normally call the nurse on her crap without tact. I feel like I got kicked out for doing that and it makes me angry that for two years I dealt with his attitude but he couldn't manage to recognize my issue. ...continue reading →
Content: Emotionally worn out. Feeling subhuman. The need to be held. PTSD and homelessness,
I feel the need for a lot of validation and reassurance. Am I okay? Am I going to be okay? Is it stupid to feel xyz?
I was sketching last night and had a thought that I wished my mother could see some of my art. The thing is, she'd hate it and I know that. One part of me says its to tell her, "Look, I can do this." Another part is that I need her to dislike it. She would tell me the quality is good but the subject matter is depressing as always. In my head I'd remind her that she fuels most of the depressing subjects, thank you very much. That leads me to letters I wrote to her as a kid. I wonder if she still has them. I wrote only in German when writing to her, never, ever English or Spanish. She would tell me how negative the letters were. I'd tell her they aren't negative, they're pleadings from your daughter who wants you to understand that she's struggling. She never heard it that way. She just said I focus only on the negative.
I am who I am.
Dr. D and I discussed my need to feel human. There are times when pain makes me feel like an alien, a freak. When I can't be touched I begin to lose the sense of being real, of being human. I'm just existing in mind bending pain and not even the cat can touch me. It's been a very, very long time and I need someone to lay on me and let me hang on. I need to feel the pressure of another human being on me. I need to feel that connection, feel them breathe.....just hang on like it means my life.
In session Dr. D and I discussed the lack of security I feel in my apartment. I'm going to be here at least another year but I wonder if I'll feel comfortable again, settled and able to continue a pattern of growth? We talked about how triggering it has been to think I may have to store my stuff in one of those cold, cement, prison dungeons cells they call paid storage. There have been quite a few triggers associated with the manager's antics. ...continue reading →
Saturday went well. The meal was nice but I skipped the wine and kept with tea. The movie was good and had no surprises or triggers since I knew what to expect. Tonight was baked tilapia, veggie wonton and steamed broccoli. It was good. Monday evening is tandoori chicken. It's chicken and spices in a baking dish inside my little oven. I love my convection oven. To finally get some good food in me is a positive step.
The landlord came the other day to inspect the apartment but she did not bring a lease. As a matter of fact she looked at me and said she'll get it together when she's good and ready. I don't trust that she's going to provide a lease. I have a feeling she'll present me with a court date. If she does I'll show up to that court date to contest the eviction.
I've heard nothing at all from the owner, not a thing.
My anxiety over the situation has dropped significantly. I can't worry about what might happen. I need to prepare, use my resources and force recognition of my rights, but I need not swim in what might happen. I do not have the energy to do so. ...continue reading →
Dinner is cooking and my taste buds are smiling. There's leg of lamb cooking in there. I'll eat part of the lamb tonight and save the juices for an onion soup I have in mind.
I've always eaten dinner late. I'm up until 2 or 3 am so an 8 pm dinner isn't new for me.
I do love to cook. Dr. D mentioned that I haven't made myself real dinners like I used to. He's right. I was in survival mode with my health and in crisis mode with family which saw me eating frozen dinners and cold sandwiches. That's not me at all.
I think back on my culinary training and how I felt this amazing sense of doing what I was born to do. I knew when I was 8 that food has power. Food is an awesome gift to give someone. It touches the heart, not just the stomach. I knew at age 8 what I was born to be.
For many years, some not so distant, I was troubled by the need to quit working as a chef professionally. Imagine a potter having to give up the wheel and take on a fall back profession. Imagine a rose gardener putting down his craft. It feels like a part of you has been taken. It makes you mad. ...continue reading →
Content: Physical pain. Physical torture as a child. Mother and uncle standing in the doorway. Being watched as I shower. Reassuring myself that I'm safe. Robert's session.
When my pain level gets really high I get confused about why I'm in pain. When my eye lids hurt, when it hurts to talk, when I struggle to breathe I forget it Lupus or CRSD. I forget I have a medical condition and feel trapped in the past. Yesterday I lay in bed, just on the sheet, the fan was blowing over me. I had my face buried in the pillow when I became flushed with dread. I expected to look at the door and see my mother standing there. I fully expected her face to become clearer, for her to fill the doorway. I pulled the covers over me and felt more protected. I had to tell myself she can't ever again stand in my doorway. I slept with uneasiness and woke feeling bogged down.
Dr. D asked the question: Can your mother come to your house and get in? Me: No. Dr. D: Can she get in and stand in your doorway? Me. No. Dr. D. Can she ever hurt you again? Me: No.
It's what she left me with that haunts me. I feel her hand from the grave touch my skin and make it crawl. I see her in my head but I try to talk to myself and remind myself that I truly am safe. As far as living family members, as long as I have a cat, no one is coming here.
This spring I was to decide if I could manage a dog which would help me sleep better but I am not able, sadly, I am not able. ...continue reading →
I'm battling my mind and body.
I've had sporadic periods where pain has knocked me off my feet. Funny thing is, at the time I remember thinking to myself, I understand suicide. That thought would be strange if it wasn't for my brother's death being fresh on my mind. The lack of information concerning my sister weights heavily. It is also true that there are times I think I can't take another second of pain and that I'd rather be dead. Dr. D has noticed some PTSD issues associated with my chronic illness. I feel validated by that. This is traumatic. It's like my private civil war where I die every single time. There are times, like yesterday when I thought to myself, I understand suicide. ...continue reading →
It's cold. I'm aching. This Lupus moment has been brought to you by Samsung Smartphone's, where overheating batteries double as cordless heating pads.
After reading in bed, I realized my phone was warm. I cupped it then held it to my face relishing the warmth, then I remembered that my smartphone is a Samsung and this bad boy will explode. Time to turn on the real heating pad, the one dressed in cotton cloth with yellow roses. The fabric may have yellow roses on it but it still smells of lavender. The rest of the room hints sandalwood and sage. I get my sandalwood incense from Ebay once a year for little of nothing. ...continue reading →
Maybe a year ago I began to update my emergency go bag. What I included was according to my personal needs which means according to chronic illness. One of the most important things will be to secure medical information in an easy to get to location. I have a small book that includes meds and doctor's names with plenty of paper to add more notes.
While packing, I kept in mind the purpose of the bag. The purpose of the bag is for immediate needs at a shelter for the displaced. One of the hardest things to remember is that I'm not packing to survive an Apocalypse. I'm not packing in case I'm alone in the wilderness, isolated from civilization with nothing but a volleyball to talk to. The bag is packed to take with me in case I'm displaced in a shelter...a shelter...for a few days. I have a different kit for being stuck in my apartment with or without electricity. Those supplies and quantities are vastly different. I think it's good to be prepared for both. An online search for basic items to include helped quite a bit.
Ok so, if I'm displaced and my cellphone goes out then that means no flashlight app, no digital numbers, addresses or books. With this in mind, I included a small LED flashlight, good batteries and hard copy contact information and basic clothing items.
For me, there's going to be more attention paid to medical needs so in addition to a pair of medical compression socks I have quality socks and a lightweight, air tight container. I included one of my long scarves, my good watch, secured reading glasses and quality antibacterial. I chose oregano oil because it's vastly superior to Neosporin. ...continue reading →
As I finished an image for My Face My Art a cruel voice in my head reminded me that I'm worthless. My gut felt heavy. I wanted to curl in the fetal position and face the wall with my back to everything; anything that might be damaged by my existence.
If this feeling could be weighed, one person couldn't hold it.
I didn't review the images on a day where self image was greater than zero, perhaps I should have. Still, I look at some and think they aren't that bad. They show how much my eyes are becoming a problem.
I would search to find words that contradict the negative talk but I don't really want to. ...continue reading →