Skip to content

1

The week has been quite. My regular CNA has been out for a while leaving me with only 2 half days of coverage. It's been difficult to say the least, but it's been quite, no major drama.

Saturday is one of the days I was covered for 3 hrs w a CNA. After taking care of things here we ran to Walmart. Neither one of us thought about going in the afternoon on a Saturday and how busy they'd be! We got there and the motorized carts were all in use. I decided since I'd gotten myself to Walmart I'd try to walk a little bit. So I did. Turns out I walked for 45 minutes!!

After walking my lungs hurt and my feet were tired but I was not in as bad shape as I expected to be, or so I thought. I came home and immediately went to sleep for most of the night. When I got up to go to the restroom, oh my goodness pain!! My feet let me know that I over did it!!! So, most of Sunday has been babying the painful amputation site. My left foot reminded me that it too was traumatized in the hospital and it too was over worked Saturday.

I learned that I can walk in the store but I have to be aware of how long or I'll pay the consequences like I am today. And yet I'm happy I figured out that walking stabily isn't in my distant future but much, much closer.

I know I over did it but I'm proud I took the risk to walk.

Jordan

2

The nurse came by today to check on the foot that I accidentally hacked at while managing it. It looks good, she said. It's healing nicely.

Right now there are no major worries, which is kind of a worry to say. I feel like as soon as I say I'm ok that it's a cue for things to go haywire.

The only issue I have right now is my lungs, fatigue and endurance issues. No blood clots or anything like that. Fatigue goes with the territory but my lung capacity situation does not. She gave me some exercises to do and told me she'd be back in a week.

We're still working on my walking and stamina. I still can't feel much in the legs and feet but pain, and they do not desire to hold me. I concentrate very hard while walking but I tend to forget where one foot is, so it gets shut in stuff or left behind and stumbled over.

I'm trying to get used to the feeling of walking in shoes. What a strange feeling. I look like a dog when you put snow boots on him. The control is loose and wild, like I don't know how to place my foot. I walk much better without shoes.

In CNA news, it's been a quiet and relaxing week with a timely, good worker. I DON'T get to keep her because she has no car insurance and therefore can't take me to the store or to doctor appointments. However, she's on time, works well and does not stress me out.

Ya know, sending me a CNA without car insurance is a problem with these companies. Sending me a great CNA without car insurance is insult to injury after the last fiasco! I wish I could keep her but I require a CNA with legal transportation. The company is well aware she doesn't have insurance and they let her drive other clients around. I don't do it though, so, I lose a great fit again.

Despite several extreme cases with my care givers, there were a number of temporary people like her to come through here with out drama. I've been verbal on the blog concerning the difficulties but not so much about the ones like I had this week. I intend to remind Dr D of the many times I said to him that I had a quiet week with a CNA because I refuse to have it sounds like I can't be happy and satisfied. Yes, the issue of guilt and fault still troubles me, just not to the same degree. So, while I recognize the good CNAs, it is the extreme drama that disrupts and unhinges me.

I'm pleased with my nurse. She is always professional and kind. I hope to have better lung functioning and improvement with endurance when I see her next Friday.

Faith

I didn't get to sleep until 9 this morning bc my pain levels were too high. I tossed and turned and laid here looking at the wall. Finally I slept and woke at 6pm. The entire day is over. I'm not discouraged by this today bc the bigger picture is this - I've got few immediate responsibilities which allows me to have the time to be sick. I'm grateful for the position I'm in that allows life to stop and let me recover. Today is a day of recovery.

Good stuff that happened this week:

I sold 2 dolls and an original art piece.

Warm dinners were made all week here at home. I loved it.

I had pancakes 2 times this week. 😊

Homemade hot chocolate during the cold snap was wonderful.

I've been able to avoid prolonged emotional triggers by processing them and letting them go.

I bought a tiny wheelchair to sit a doll in. A friend of mine is having heart surgery and I can't be there, so I'm sending a representative. Froggie will go for me.

Faith

7

uprooted sundrip

I feel uprooted. Everything is different. My home is great but I've not laid down roots here. Most of my possessions are new because the old got thrown out. The only photo of my father that I had was thrown away accidentally. It is gone forever and it hurts.

My dishes, terrariums, plants, shoes, bed, sheets, furniture, everything is different and new. My frogs are new, fish are new. No dog or cat anymore. Heck, my laptop and phone are even new. I realized I have few things that I am emotionally attached to because I've not had them long enough. It feels like everything has new roots, nothing is stable, consistent, long term, dependable. 

I'm new. I've changed physically and emotionally. My eyes haven't stopped watering since the amputation. They water nearly non-stop. 

I feel like I'm complaining but all I'm trying to say is that laying down new roots at 47 is difficult.

Outlook sundrip

Art supplies are new. Again, these are observations not necessarily complaints. I love my new art supplies, especially the Winsor and Newton watercolors seen in the photos. Winsor Newton puts out a superior product that I totally love and yet there's a feeling of sadness because they don't have longer history with me. It would seem their only history with me is the hospitalization. 

It hurts my heart to think that what all the new things have in common is trauma. So I've got to try and change that view to one more positive, something like this: All the new things are associated with SURVIVAL not near death. They are evidence of life, of a future, of deep, deep roots that helped me walk to this very day. 

Jordan

1

Thirteen years I walked past my therapist's Christmas Cactus and never thought to ask for a start until now. 

The three spider plant starts from the surgeon are growing like weeds. They were so tiny when I got them.

I snagged a start from the hospital's bed of pathos. It's being rooted in the fish tank with the Betta fish I had when I was in the nursing home. 

I wish all these plants could go in one planter but they have different requirements.

Spider plant, Christmas Cactus, Pathos, Dumbcane, large Peace Lilly. These are my memory plants. 

Why on earth would I wish to remember one of the worst things I've ever been through? Because it has changed who I am. It's changed me for the better and the worse, with the hope of good coming out on top.

Today in therapy we talked about how I have a fear that I'm going to just drop dead. That my health isn't reliable and there's no sense in putting forth effort when I may throw a blood clot and die. I hope such morbid fears will subside in time. I'm counting on it. I'm counting on growing right along beside the green leaves that fill my apartment. 

.........A visitor asked if I'm trying to make a paradise out of my home. The answer is yes. 

Jordan

3

Not Strong Enough fma

Today is one of those days where I feel the weight of what happened in the hospital. I feel shocked, stunned, grieved. I can only describe it as a train wreck where I can still hear the sound of metal crumbling around me. What I feel today must be what I was feeling when I drew and painted in this image with the caption: There's more to do. I'm not strong enough.

We went over the image in therapy and talked about the butterflies included and how they symbolize transformation. Also significant is the green under the eyes which I used to stand for goals of growth and keeping focused on them. Despite that focus there's dissociation (figures in the tree) to fight as well as feelings of trauma and grief symbolized by the hanging figure between the eyes. Hanging on is my main focus. It's what's between my eyes. No matter what, just hang on. That's what I think the girl in the middle is doing. 

I look at the color of the dress of the girl hanging on and realize it 'should be' a shade of red, however, it is orange paint that drips into red. In my art therapy pieces, orange symbolizes ambiguity, mixed emotions, indecision. Then of course there's the spiral in the throat. I started that about a year ago when it became very difficult for me to verbalize my feelings. As if through a hole in my neck, the words escaped me.

Recently I've felt like an idiot trying to talk, so I just didn't. I didn't email or write on this blog for a number of days (never a good thing for me). I just got quiet. Today I feel better equipped to put two words together but I also feel worn thin by it all. 

Tomorrow is another much needed therapy session. Like every Monday, it's over the phone. However, I'll be going in to his office every other Friday to see him. In the Friday sessions, Michelle will get dedicated time where she'll talk about her own art and issues. The goal is for her to do some healing, too.

Faith

In the hospital I felt guilty for putting my friends through worry for me. I felt bad that they worried for five long months, especially around surgeries. When things would get harry I felt horrible for putting people through tears and worry.

In this art piece that expresses the guilt, I put hanging people on the shoulders of a figure standing behind a smaller faceless figure. Both figures have an amputated foot with darkened skin around the amputation site. The figure with the sunflower crown is holding a star in her left hand. 

Guilt fma

In the hospital I worried that the doctors would realize that they were putting forth a lot of effort for a nobody, and when they found out they'd stop caring for me. This piece expresses the issue of low self worth. 

The painting shows a split face which is typical in my art anymore. It shows two faceless figures and a large sunflower at the bottom. Also of note is the yellow hair and orange face of the faceless figure with spike hair. Again, yellow symbolizes disgusting things and there were plenty of gross things in the hospital. For her hair to be yellow is very significant for me. 

Nobody fma

Both works were created after the amputation and are in watercolor and ink. 

The painting above, where I express myself as No One is interesting to me since I had an alter named No One who always painted herself as faceless. That alter changed her name to Jordan and is interestingly enough, the main personality in the group. She is in affect, my face. 

The No One painting is also the inspiration for art where there are two faces as opposed to just a split face. I've been doing that in art therapy a lot lately. Dr. D and I talked about that last Friday. 

Faith

2

A few things have changed in my health but I'm hanging in. I didn't have to go in. There were some things that could be done outpatient and in the ER. I'm relieved not to have spent days locked in the hospital!

There are some dietary changes. It would appear that green drinks are not good for people w my blood disorder. Without knowing, I was putting down one of the highest vitamin K drinks you can make, which I should not have been doing. This is the second time one of my holistic steps has backfired. Though my GP and I agreed my symptoms were severe and I should use Black Cohosh to relieve menapause symptoms, someone w my clotting disorder should NEVER use that, not EVER! I didn't know that. I do now and I'm under quality guidance now, too.

I've been getting quite an education on what to do and what not to do. I've been learning about how my own blood system works and about what makes blood clot and what makes it thin. This is very important bc it seems all sorts of things change blood thickness. Everything from olive oil to Marijuana to Turmeric and even many essential oils can thin the blood or clot it. Care has to be taken with such items and some avoided all together... not Marijuana though. Thinning the blood or not, MMJ and tea are part of my daily life.

I have to several limit how much Matcha and other green tea I drink bc of my blood disorder but I need not avoid them at this time. There was only one food item I was killing myself with in mass quantities that I must leave behind. My love of greens must die! Kale is not my friend. It hates me and wants to kill me. Lol It has paired w my immune system, which also hates me. I can't get rid of my immune system but I must leave kale and greens behind. My second fav is cooked spinach. I can have it but I can't over do it

So, I'm home, hanging out with the frogs. Doing my best to stay encouraged. One such way to do that is to drink coffee. Yup, coffee. It's a coffee kinda day. Oh, ohhhh oh! I found coffee from Congo on Amazon. My black tea from Kenya was on there, too. I must splurge and have coffee from my grandfather's country of Congo.

Faith

2

The problem with going to the hospital is that I was just there! I mean seriously, are they keeping a room open just for me now?

Yeah, I'm delaying. I'm trying to enjoy a few more moments outside the hospital. I just want a little more time b4 needles, prodding and more medications. It's been months since someone asked that intrusive question, "When is the last time your bowels moved?" Every dang day they asked me that. I know I was on some serious pain killers that could shut down my bowel, but the question is intrusive. There is no such thing as privacy in the hospital. No quiet. Just sickness. Depressing.

My left leg is very painful. I try to ignore it and do other things. My breathing isn't normal. All I can do is shake my head.

Here we go again. That's what I keep thinking, here we go again! I don't want to.

Tomorrow I see Dr D in his office. I want to see him b4 I go in just in case I'm in for more than a few days.

I worry about losing my pets again.

I'm discouraged.

I'll have my phone with me.

Faith

Dr. D and I discussed the recent firing of my new CNA. I fired her for several reasons and fired the company, too.

My insurance covers a CNA that can take me to the store and to doctor appointments. It turns out this CNA was driving me around w/o a drivers license or insurance. I called the company and they shocked the crap out of me when they said they hire people to drive even when they have only a hardship license. This girl had that when she was hired but let it drop because she couldn't pay for it. Still she took me to the store! When I called the company with my concerns the CNA decided to call me and curse me out!!! Obviously she can't return to my home after that. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Lowered Expectations and Less Stress"

%d bloggers like this: