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The symptoms are quite intense. Nightmares, anxiety and deep despair are a lessor evil than pain so I went against medical advice and didn't reduce the amount of Lyrica I'm taking.

My first thought is to type, "I know its risky, but you don't understand," however many do. Many get that its difficult to make a good decision when all the choices can harm you. If I don't take a mix of medication with severe side effects, then I run the risk of losing my mind due to pain. If I take the mix of medication with severe side effects I run the risk of hurting myself if the side effects don't taper off. That is if the problem is Lyrica. I'll get to that later.

This is a catch 22 with the medication and I made a temporary decision to continue this treatment course with daily, in person, observation by three close friends who are not medical professionals. One friend a day will be here for the next two weeks. I have therapy 2x a week for the next two weeks. I've also got regular activities and volunteer work to perform so I'm covered as far as being observed and supported.

While being supported, I may be tearful, anxious or suicidal. I know that word suicide is a scary one but let me state clearly that living at this level of physical pain is slow murder. So I'm going to take a calculated risk beside a strong support team. ...continue reading "Lyrica – Against Medical Advice"

"She feels in color"

We talked about feeling depressed in a different way than what I'm used to feeling. There's an underlying feeling of not caring about anything and just wanting someone to take out of my stomach whatever it is that's eating me alive. I'm so tired right now I can't see straight. Sleep didn't come easily.

He said it'll be important to talk to the medical doctor and to tell her that I wonder if there's a hormonal connection. Does that play into things?

He said I'm intense right now. It felt like when talking to him that my thoughts were all over the place. I was tired, holding my gigantic bear, facing the wall.

I told him that feeling suicidal isn't new for me. What's new is not caring. I always find a way out, always. I don't always fight because sometimes fighting the situation makes it worse, but I'm not one to throw in the towel anymore.

I usually feel so much that its overwhelming but now all I feel is black, a feeling of despair and that I don't care. Is that anger? Is that apathy or depression? I don't know. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Feeling Black Hoping for Light"

2

I've done what I'm supposed to do, that should feel good. I don't feel good.
I'm still creating. Some get finished, other's lack substance and I lose interest. Today I made a third doll for donations (pics eventually) and a hat for myself.

Right in the middle of studying I had a full blown panic attack but I kept going. I didn't want to feel totally defeated. The problem was that I made one single, solitary mistake and it felt like my world crashed, like it was the biggest catastrophe on my heart. I had to get myself together over a tiny mistake that it took seconds to correct. Agitation. Agitation. Low tolerance for just about anything.

I listen to my frogs. I read. I played fetch with the dog again today; day three in a row. Playing with him today was forced but it was nice to see his tongue hanging out of his mouth and that big dog smile after playing so hard.

I want to care, mostly I don't.
I want to be in a good mood tomorrow and meet with what is now three people for letters to homebound Seniors in our community. I want to meet with them but I'm afraid. I just want to go to bed and put the covers over my head but honestly it feels miserable under there, too. Why? What is there to explain this level of absolute depression and flat out despair? What's wrong with me?

Just thought of something....... I've had a med change. It's the only thing I can think of that would make me feel this bad, so deeply with no real reason. I mean seriously, I want to just lay down and die. I can't explain why. Is it the combination of meds or something else? I talk to Dr. D tomorrow. We'll figure out something because today I hit my threshold.

Faith

There has been a lot of sleep today but since it was nearly 60 degrees I decided to take a walk with Clyde. We did 4.5 blocks one way and 4.5 blocks back which is only about a half block longer than usual. Perhaps we would have made it the full 5 blocks had we not been blocked by a flock of free roaming chickens. Seriously, this is Indiana but come on y'all, control your chickens! A flock. Okay, a gang of 'em, running loose. Don't let your chickens run around rough, stopping walkers trying to escape depression! There could have been happiness at the full 5 block goal but I'll never know cause of the hoodlum fowl.

After a successful escape from free roaming chickens, Clyde and I returned to the safety of our home and went straight to bed. I know I'm sleeping a lot but I can't keep my eyes open. And, I'm not trying to. I'm eating, sleeping, caring for myself, cleaning my apartment, sewing, creating and letting this depression play out. I'm just going with it. I'd be lying if I said I'm okay. I'm not okay. I'm exhausted, spent, needy and anxious.

Grief - original artI'm safe. I'm supported. I'm prepared.

...continue reading "Okay with not being okay"

1

A video for friends.

At the end of the video I said these are my 'frogs' but only Cheesy the Chubby Frog stars in this short vid. ...continue reading "Cheesy the Chubby Frog and Aquarium Therapy"

When thinking about losing Jane, I don't feel crippled by it. I feel bad about that because it's almost like I should be out here falling apart, but I'm not. I feel bad that some reached out but she died anyway. I feel bad about that but I hope they realize they did make a difference. Reaching out always makes a difference.

There's a huge hole where Janie used to be. The house isn't the same at all, but it's still better because she was once here. I think that's what I still feel the most, very grateful.

My heart is heavy concerning my brother. I heard him play the cello, my favorite instrument. I thought I was going to burst into tears. I've never heard him play the cello before, just the violin, so watching and hearing him was rather moving. A long time ago I said I never got to tell him how proud I am of his accomplishments with music and with the children's orchestra. You could see in his face that he loved his job. ...continue reading "Cats and Violins"

What can a broke girl like me do for my neighbors in need?

  • I can donate to food pantries. Food pantries are going to divert their stock to areas in need, which may at times cause hardship for locals in need. I can look in my pantry for anything I can spare and donate it.  I'll come back to this in a second.
  • I can offer cash in the form of $1 or less. If a dollar is all I can spare at the time then a dollar is what I will donate. A dollar here and there adds up and can go far if managed by a reputable relief effort.
  • Girls and boys will need items to help them pass the time while they and their families try to rebuild their lives. Children of all ages will need more than the basics of life. I will think hard about what can be done on a personal level. My first thought is, there are artists out there without a pad and pencil. I know they're just losing it. I would be.
  • I'd like to be connected to a family through a secure channel and send them small care packages. That will be possible later in the relief effort.
  • I can encourage others during this time of national and international distress. I may not speak to them concerning Biblical hope, but I can be encouraging by validating their experience and being a listening ear.

...continue reading "My Neighbors in Texas, Florida, Puerto Rico and Mexico"

I'm holding back when it comes to posting art work other than sketchbook art. I don't know why but I feel so closed up right now and not willing to share the new stuff. I suppose I will again soon.

Janie TimeJane has good days and bad days, today is a good day. She has finished 2 of the three medications. Pets get old, get sick and they die, and that sucks. I have good days and bad days, today is a tired day.

I've got another month of dental work coming up that I'm not looking forward to. Also, there's a lump in my mouth that they need to look at closer. I wanted this dental stuff to be over with but it's not. I can tell there's damage to the nerves which has added more pain to my plate.  ...continue reading "Holding Back. More Dental Work. Blood Stream Infection."

7

As I understand it, there has been an increase in reports of emotional triggers caused by the active abuser known as the 45th President of the United States. His inauguration has increased the stress level of people with depression as well as survivors of abuse. Why? Because his narcissism, public shaming, paranoia and threats, mirror the abuses we suffered.

Donald Trump is controlling, angry, arrogant and verbally abusive. He abuses his power with impunity. Rules don't apply to him.  Like our abusers, he pits one side against another for his selfish gain. He lies and creates situations that keep everyone running in circles then he blames the chaos on us. He says one thing in public but another in private. It is plain for many to see how destructive of a force he is, but just like with many abusers, nothing is being done to remove the threat. As a matter of fact, just like with our abusers, there are those who swear he's a good person and only has the greater good in mind. How could we possibly accuse him of anything other than being a good, hard working family man? Yes, President Donald Trump brings further harm to citizens trying to heal from an abuser like him. ...continue reading "The Mental Health Toll of President Donald Trump"

2

He asked about my depression. I was honest. I agreed that I need to find a psychiatrist because the depression isn't something that's getting better. I have days where I don't feel so heavy but this depression isn't getting any better. Where do I find the energy or drive to search for a psychiatrist.

He asked about my eating. I was honest. I'm eating mostly crackers, peanut butter sandwiches and Cheerios. I stay close to bed. He knows it's not like me to neglect hygiene. Even as I type that I'm thinking about going back to sleep.

My leg is back to normal. I see the new doctor the 22nd. Thinking about these appointments I have this month make me want to go back to sleep. It feels so big. I don't want to get to know a new doctor. I don't want to look at this woman and see a look on her face that says she doesn't want to treat me. I don't want the rejection. What if I get there and she says its better for me if I go somewhere else because I need more care than she can give?

The last few years I've had such a hard time with my birthday. It feels like something is slipping away with each birthday. Something? I don't know what, but it hurts. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Crackers and Carrots"

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