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I take life for granted until I go head first into a moment that tangles with sobriety. My eyes are wide open to how fragile people are and how they too live life blinded, until they absolutely have to see.

I've got another blood clot situation. My fear is that it'll threaten the left leg.

The other day I was tucked in bed when it hit me - I miss popcorn. I miss homemade, buttery, kernel corn. I miss fruit drinks on movie night. What I really miss is life as I knew it. I miss the chaotic apartment, the art, the high and driven spirit that set goals, and wanted to live as more than a survivor. The more I let myself think about what I miss, the further away I got from acceptance of this new life and its possibilities.

I'm not emotionally strong enough to look back and think about what I miss. I have to focus forward. I have to work on accepting or letting go according to my abilities. It's hard to focus that much though. It's hard not to panic and scream, IT'S NOT FAIR! I know it's not fair. I absolutely know it but to sit in that right now isn't going to help anything. It won't help me focus on the things that are within my control. I need to focus on options and care plans not each piece of life I miss. If I do that I'll rob myself of much needed energy. I need all my energy because Lord knows I'm tired.

Faith

Dear Head,

We aren't friends today. Your behavior has divided us, putting a rift and a scar in an already shakey relationship. At this very second I can't tell the world all you've done because my body is attacking me with the strongest sleep spell I've ever felt. This half awake, druling, snoring, head bobbing, heavy eyed fight has been lost. I'm captive with no choice but to surrender. However, when I'm released, I'm going to tell them everything. I'm going to spill my guts and tell the world how you, brain, tried your best to depress, discourage and break me. I'm going to tell them everything as soon as my body releases me.

Lupus fatigue & depression, bites.

2

I would say I've hit a rough patch but this is no patch, this is a field. Now I have to figure out how I'm going to traverse this ground with its pits and stones.

Today has been difficult but quiet, manageable. Anxiety is high, still, and my body hurts from head to toe. That's nothing new. Pain is as common as flowers. I feel it everywhere I turn but, being a few days out of the thick of depression means I see a little light ahead.

What a nightmare it's been. Today isn't. Today has been difficult but manageable. Yeah, I'm in my field of "flowers" and I'm a bit worn down, but I'm still here. I made it. I made it through that cycle of depression.

Faith

4

I read to him the entry I wrote about being angry with him. I then assured him I will not lie to him about feeling suicidal or depressed. I need to trust him and he needs to trust me.

I cried from open to close of the session. It's been a hard day physically and emotionally. I had to take pain medication because of spasms in my legs and stomach. I tried to manage as long as I could without pain meds but after a bit it's reasonable to take a dose to ease things up. I also took some of my Passion Flower tincture to help ease anxiety associated with pain. I'm surprised I was able to stay awake for the session. ...continue reading "Therapy review: What I need to hear"

2

Depression is a liarMy hormonal depression drags me around like a mop head picking up dirty and left over grime. I can't get off the floor.

Depression is a liar. Depression tells me that people who care don't love me at all. It tells me I hate them for letting me down when in fact they really haven't. I'm angry with people who love me and its fueled by depression. It's a lie that it won't matter if I'm dead, or it'll be a relief because they can get on with their own problems instead of dealing with me all the time.  ...continue reading "Depression is a liar"

3

When I talked to Dr. D he asked how I did with him gone. I didn't want him to think I cared or needed him so I told him I did just fine. I told him I needed the vacation time too, which is true. I didn't want him to go for two weeks. The timing felt bad. I felt like I was in the middle of a medical crisis and really needed my therapist. He has this confidence that my friends will support me. My friends are confident my therapist will support me. I don't feel too supported with the depression and such lately. Someone else will do it, that seems to be the standard.

...continue reading "First session after vacation. Angry with the therapist."

1

The medical doctor suggested that Gabapentin withdrawal, not Lyrica is the culprit and that perimenopause is also playing a part in this emotional and medical crisis. She made some suggestions to improve the terrible mood swings such as Dong quai and Black cohosh. The University of Maryland explains why I chose to use Black cohosh despite possible weight gain. Again, I've chosen the lesser of two evils.

When asked why I didn't lower the dose of Lyrica when it was originally thought to be a problem, I told her, at this point I'm more afraid of the pain than of my mind. ...continue reading "Depression. Suicide. Medication. Perimenopause."

The symptoms are quite intense. Nightmares, anxiety and deep despair are a lessor evil than pain so I went against medical advice and didn't reduce the amount of Lyrica I'm taking.

My first thought is to type, "I know its risky, but you don't understand," however many do. Many get that its difficult to make a good decision when all the choices can harm you. If I don't take a mix of medication with severe side effects, then I run the risk of losing my mind due to pain. If I take the mix of medication with severe side effects I run the risk of hurting myself if the side effects don't taper off. That is if the problem is Lyrica. I'll get to that later.

This is a catch 22 with the medication and I made a temporary decision to continue this treatment course with daily, in person, observation by three close friends who are not medical professionals. One friend a day will be here for the next two weeks. I have therapy 2x a week for the next two weeks. I've also got regular activities and volunteer work to perform so I'm covered as far as being observed and supported.

While being supported, I may be tearful, anxious or suicidal. I know that word suicide is a scary one but let me state clearly that living at this level of physical pain is slow murder. So I'm going to take a calculated risk beside a strong support team. ...continue reading "Lyrica – Against Medical Advice"

"She feels in color"

We talked about feeling depressed in a different way than what I'm used to feeling. There's an underlying feeling of not caring about anything and just wanting someone to take out of my stomach whatever it is that's eating me alive. I'm so tired right now I can't see straight. Sleep didn't come easily.

He said it'll be important to talk to the medical doctor and to tell her that I wonder if there's a hormonal connection. Does that play into things?

He said I'm intense right now. It felt like when talking to him that my thoughts were all over the place. I was tired, holding my gigantic bear, facing the wall.

I told him that feeling suicidal isn't new for me. What's new is not caring. I always find a way out, always. I don't always fight because sometimes fighting the situation makes it worse, but I'm not one to throw in the towel anymore.

I usually feel so much that its overwhelming but now all I feel is black, a feeling of despair and that I don't care. Is that anger? Is that apathy or depression? I don't know. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Feeling Black Hoping for Light"

2

I've done what I'm supposed to do, that should feel good. I don't feel good.
I'm still creating. Some get finished, other's lack substance and I lose interest. Today I made a third doll for donations (pics eventually) and a hat for myself.

Right in the middle of studying I had a full blown panic attack but I kept going. I didn't want to feel totally defeated. The problem was that I made one single, solitary mistake and it felt like my world crashed, like it was the biggest catastrophe on my heart. I had to get myself together over a tiny mistake that it took seconds to correct. Agitation. Agitation. Low tolerance for just about anything.

I listen to my frogs. I read. I played fetch with the dog again today; day three in a row. Playing with him today was forced but it was nice to see his tongue hanging out of his mouth and that big dog smile after playing so hard.

I want to care, mostly I don't.
I want to be in a good mood tomorrow and meet with what is now three people for letters to homebound Seniors in our community. I want to meet with them but I'm afraid. I just want to go to bed and put the covers over my head but honestly it feels miserable under there, too. Why? What is there to explain this level of absolute depression and flat out despair? What's wrong with me?

Just thought of something....... I've had a med change. It's the only thing I can think of that would make me feel this bad, so deeply with no real reason. I mean seriously, I want to just lay down and die. I can't explain why. Is it the combination of meds or something else? I talk to Dr. D tomorrow. We'll figure out something because today I hit my threshold.

Faith

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