Dr. D and I talked about the CNA that showed up today who was absolutely perfect. It went so well I had to call the supervisor to tell her so. That's when I found out I don't get to keep her but for one more visit. I hate that. The CNA and I also did some much needed organizing of the walk in closet. I so needed that help. You know what she did that felt so good? When it came time for me to soak my foot, she got a wash cloth then got real close to my foot and asked if I wanted her to wash the amputation site. She didn't act disgusted at all. I needed that. I really, really needed that. I didn't let her do it, but the gesture was healing. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: CNA. Butchery. DID."
"The Unseen" is a painting by my 12 year old alter named Michelle who has been out quite a bit lately. She's doing therapy with Dr. D right now so there will surely be more art from her displayed on the blog.
The art piece was started by layering paint then smearing ink until she found an image she wanted to pull.
She prefers the 'dirty art' look and doesn't pay attention to if it's considered pretty. She layers faces and shadows, piling them one on the other in burnt orange, turquoise, black and a bit of white. There is also a large bird and an abstract tree that roots from the head of the main face.
Title: The Unseen (original art)
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Media: Acrylic, ink on paper
Size: 7 x 10
Finish: Signed, heat sealed, unmounted
Style: Abstract Surreal
I was recently asked why I don't do larger art. I still do most creating, including this piece and small sewing projects, while in bed. My mattress is covered well so as not to look like a painters pallet. I've also got a nice little sewing box. Because so much time is spent in bed, I won't be able to complete large art projects. It's one of the things I had to accept awhile back. I do what I am capable of doing which means a lot is done in a way that accommodates Lupus and CRSD symptoms.
Even though my dog Clyde is on the bed with me as I paint, to date he has not been splattered with paint. He remains brown and white. 🙂
The original painting called, "The Unseen" is available through Etsy or PayPal.
Content: Sexual abuse. Innocence of children. Violent speech. Anxiety insight.
I vomited up details just to give them away because I don't want them anymore. I've not gotten to say what I want to say, the way I want to say it. He doesn't flinch when I add anger and resentment to my words.
We talked about not realizing the purpose of the girl's clubs for inner city girls. We talked about how the girls my mother chose for special attention didn't look like me but looked like my sister. I resent that. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: One Too Many Times"
I never did write exactly what Dr. D and I discussed in session because the only thing I wanted to do was run from it. While talking to him I needed a lot of self soothing. I felt so frazzled and like once tiny increase in emotion, one adjustment in anything at all and I'd fall apart. I rocked a lot. I was quiet a lot. I had my head in my hands a lot. It was intense just being alive so I wasn't as open as usual.
After therapy I went to the store with Snow but before I got out of the car I told her I wanted her to stay with me because I wasn't doing well. I then took a Klonopin so I could pick up the three items on my list and get the heck out of there. She commented that I seemed very calm. She was surprised to hear I felt like I was seconds from screaming and hiding my head. I was. I know I don't show even half of what I'm really feeling. I don't generally make a conscious effort to mask body language, but I still do it. I've done it since I was very little. I used to be proud of not showing much, not now.
It's been a very long day. The day started off at the dentist. I went to bed early and got a decent night's sleep. I even slept through half of the dental appointment. I wasn't nearly as afraid this time, especially since I remembered to take 2 mg of Klonopin before I went.
My fav employee sat with me through the appointment. We talked about tea and the Bible. They put the laughing gas on and I acted like it was weed. I took a deep, deep breath and held it. lol. I did it several times until my head felt kind of floating then I breathed normally. The needles were difficult but manageable.
I was determined I was going to finish these appointment and I did. What I didn't realize was the office personnel realized how difficult it was for me to do. I appreciated the validation and even the praise for finishing this huge treatment. To my surprise I was given an Oral-B Vitality Floss Action Electric Rechargeable Toothbrush. How awesome is that?
There was difficulty with numbing me. I wondered if it had anything to do with the CRSD. I don't know, but she numbed between teeth she wasn't even working on so that the main nerve she as trying to numb would actually numb.
Yes!!! Now that's a doctor worth seeing again!
At one point we decided not to try to numb the left side again. There was medium level pain as she worked over there but I just dug in and managed it. Honestly, I felt like an adult survivor, not a child. What I pulled on from inside was separate from what I pulled on to endure abuse by my mother.
At one point I thought the dentist was going to numb my tongue. She leaned over me and said, what we're doing here is separate from what happened to you. She said something about how this was different and that she wouldn't do anything other than dental work which did not include putting a needle in my tongue. I can't tell you how helpful that was. She leaned over and said the right thing. I was able to get grounded and finish the last appointment. It feels like a huge accomplishment.
The dentist told me to get Act mouth wash which I can purchase at Dollar Tree. She suggested I get prescription tooth paste but I didn't because it's $13 at the pharmacy. As a good faith measure, I'll fill that script as soon as possible. She went as far as to surprise me with that toothbrush. I'll take the next step for the script toothpaste sitting at my pharmacy.
In a separate issue, she wants me to come in for a cleaning every six months. We'll see. Even though I didn't have teeth removed in those sessions, she said I would qualify for a partial. I'd love to. The first thing I'm going to eat when I have a partial on the bottom is a bag of cashews, warm, buttery cashews....oh, and then some pecans. (insert happy clap)
Of course no outing ever takes place without something interesting happening. lol. My well meaning fav employee said she loves black people's hair. I let her touch the dreadlocks. I should have charged a petting fee. Then there was a conversation about how she and the dentist have American Indian in them. Before I passed out in the chair, (I literally passed out) I mumbled about my grandfather's excessive use of peanuts or peanut butter in his Congolese cooking. I passed out and slept until they woke me.
I came home and did something, but who knows what. There's a blank space which might mean I was asleep. I know I added moss to the Chubby Frog tank. Man I love those things.
I want to make a note of something I said concerning my inability to understand and process time. This is a copy / paste.
** As a multiple, I have no concept of time and no concept of direction. For me, 5 min is the same as 5 hours. For me, 2 min is the same as 2 hours or 2 days. Time doesn't make sense to me.
My lack of understanding for time even affects how I experience the four seasons. It might as well have been spring yesterday because it was for me. I don't know when they start or finish. ...continue reading "My inability to understand and process time"
Content: Physical abuse and torture.
It took a bit for Robert to come out and talk to Dr. D. Robert and a little one kept switching places while trying to give away some of the details of what we went through.
Robert: I did all the hard stuff.
Dr. D: What do you mean?
Robert: If it hurt too much for the others then I had to do it.
Dr. D: Do you want to tell me more?
Robert: I want to tell you what she did to us.
I want to tell you what she did to us. That sentence had powerful meaning but I can't seem to explain myself. I've tried for a bit to explain why that sentence is important but I've deleted and started more times than I can count. It was almost like he needed to free himself of it.
I could see myself sitting there. I was squirming, wincing, wringing my hands. I painted as I spoke to him. Painting in session helps me focus better and gives someplace for extra anxiety to go.
In session painting using watercolor.
Robert recounted one of the times the mother beat our lips with a wide tooth comb. She put me across her lap, held on to the handle of the comb and beat my lips.
Side 1 is below. Side 2 isn't complete.
I had to make sure not to open my mouth because she'd hit my teeth and gums or somewhere else on my face. I lay there, in her lap. I wouldn't dare move. I was afraid of her. When she was done I'd get up and go to my room. I don't remember what I'd do after that.
I don't remember why the mother did that to me. She didn't do it often. I don't remember her doing that past the 4th grade.
We talked about a picture I drew that symbolized my mother but I'll have to write about that later. I'm going to sleep now.
I took Earl Grey with lavender to therapy. One time there was a soft scent of lavender that passed in front of my face and sort of got me grounded again. I liked that.
My head hasn't been right for the last few days. I want to suck my thumb. I want to get in the fetal position and cover my head. I want to glide a razor across my skin but I haven't. I've chosen to create instead.
I was able to get the new Abilify script filled and will start it tomorrow morning.
Content: Discussion of childhood sexual abuse. Processing a life of lies and abuse that leaves us unable to connect to others. Being raised by a female sadist.
I hung up from my therapy session and tossed it out of my head. These sessions have been too hard to deal with.
The main thing I got from therapy was that I am able to stand back and look at a person's track record and see that person as multidimensional instead of having just one characteristic. The reason that's important is because it makes me better able to see myself as the sum of my experiences without defining myself by just one.
If you ask me, my mother was primarily an abuser. She was a self centered, me first, sadistic abuser. If my mother was an abuser, what does that make me? The immediate answer is, guilty. Was I guilty of being bad and that's why my mother abused me? Can I really back up that claim? Even if my heart fears I am bad, I know for a fact that being abused had nothing to do with who I was as a child or who I am as an adult. My heart can deny that truth but it still stands firm that it was about her needs not my behavior. No matter who was born to that household, they would have been abused. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Wildflowers"
I'm about to do what we bloggers do when dealing with a difficult subject. I publish the hard post then follow it up with something else because the post under this is heavy and its scary to leave it at the front of the blog. It feels like I'm protecting myself from the post so I don't look like a weak whiner. I feel like I have to make sure people don't think this is a drama filled blog. It's worrisome to have to write something like that but we bloggers usually experience it at least once. It doesn't feel good.
The other reason for this entry is to talk about a phone call from a friend and the physical reaction that took place.
I answered the phone, but when my friend started talking I heard my mother's voice. It shocked me to the point that my knees buckled. I had to catch myself and regain composure. ...continue reading "Hearing the mother’s voice"
There are things I want to explain about Dissociative Identity Disorder and different levels of co-consciousness as well as skepticism from readers. This issue is being discussed because it was raised to me twice.
Here is a quick FYI concerning switching personalities and preconceived ideas.
- Switching personalities doesn't necessarily mean I am completely blacked out and unaware of what's going on.
- It is a misconception that a person with DID/ Multiple Personality Disorder is always unaware of the other personalities.
- It's not always the case that onlookers will be able to tell that a person has switched personalities.
- Its also not true that we can get away with things by blaming it on our other personalities. We are legally responsible for our behavior just as most anyone else.
- It's not true that you should fear us.
Most with DID will not make it known to everyone. We may be open on the internet but we usually do not disclose details of the disorder to even our closest friends. People off line that know I have DID are few and far between. ...continue reading "Skepticism and the survivor with Dissociative Identity Disorder"