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Content: Discussion of childhood sexual abuse. Processing a life of lies and abuse that leaves us unable to connect to others. Being raised by a female sadist.

I hung up from my therapy session and tossed it out of my head. These sessions have been too hard to deal with.

The main thing I got from therapy was that I am able to stand back and look at a person's track record and see that person as multidimensional instead of having just one characteristic. The reason that's important is because it makes me better able to see myself as the sum of my experiences without defining myself by just one.

If you ask me, my mother was primarily an abuser. She was a self centered, me first, sadistic abuser. If my mother was an abuser, what does that make me? The immediate answer is, guilty. Was I guilty of being bad and that's why my mother abused me? Can I really back up that claim? Even if my heart fears I am bad, I know for a fact that being abused had nothing to do with who I was as a child or who I am as an adult.  My heart can deny that truth but it still stands firm that it was about her needs not my behavior. No matter who was born to that household, they would have been abused. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Wildflowers"

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I'm about to do what we bloggers do when dealing with a difficult subject. I publish the hard post then follow it up with something else because the post under this is heavy and its scary to leave it at the front of the blog. It feels like I'm protecting myself from the post so I don't look like a weak whiner. I feel like I have to make sure people don't think this is a drama filled blog. It's worrisome to have to write something like that but we bloggers usually experience it at least once. It doesn't feel good.

The other reason for this entry is to talk about a phone call from a friend and the physical reaction that took place.

I answered the phone, but when my friend started talking I heard my mother's voice. It shocked me to the point that my knees buckled. I had to catch myself and regain composure. ...continue reading "Hearing the mother’s voice"

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There are things I want to explain about Dissociative Identity Disorder and different levels of co-consciousness as well as skepticism from readers. This issue is being discussed because it was raised to me twice.

Here is a quick FYI concerning switching personalities and preconceived ideas.

  • Switching personalities doesn't necessarily mean I am completely blacked out and unaware of what's going on.
  • It is a misconception that a person with DID/ Multiple Personality Disorder is always unaware of the other personalities.
  • It's not always the case that onlookers will be able to tell that a person has switched personalities.
  • Its also not true that we can get away with things by blaming it on our other personalities. We are legally responsible for our behavior just as most anyone else.
  • It's not true that you should fear us.

Most with DID will not make it known to everyone. We may be open on the internet but we usually do not disclose details of the disorder to even our closest friends. People off line that know I have DID are few and far between.  ...continue reading "Skepticism and the survivor with Dissociative Identity Disorder"

I asked Dr. D that question because I recently saw a show about how damaging it is to children who witness domestic violence. The professional on the show said its damaging emotionally and physically. That lead me to wonder if it's true that it's physically and emotionally damaging for a child to witness the abuse of a sibling. He said yes. I figured it would be emotionally damaging but I wasn't sure how it would be physically damaging. He said it has to do with mind/ body connection. That's when I understood. Ah, okay..now we get back to how PTSD can, will and does ravage the body.

* Emotions involve a chemical reactions that touch almost every part of the body.
* An emotion isn't some random happening that's over as quickly as it occurred.
* There's a trail of chemical reactions long after conscious awareness of the emotion.

...continue reading "TR: Is witnessing the abuse of siblings harmful emotionally and physically?"

Roberts' session contents: Physical torture, her need for humiliation, my need for self harm, an adult grooming young girls

We picked up where we left off Friday when we discussed physical torture and how insane it is to step back and watch that situation. It's got to be hard for anyone to picture a woman with a dowel rod over the body of her child. Despite giving me a few minutes to rest, the whole focus was on her needs. The mother abused us in the presence of others more than once. As I talked to Dr. D I was very dissociative and my words became jumbled. I had to close my eyes to concentrate on each word coming out of my mouth. I made a cup of Chamomile Bloom and was able to relax to an anxiety level of 6 or 8 to continue the session.

In addition to the experiences discussed last week, we talked about how the mother held groups for neighborhood girls. The girls would meet at my mother's house for a night out. There were about 4 other girls in addition to my sister and me. She took us to the skating rink and to the arcade. Before we went we'd gather in the living room waiting for the mother to appear. All the girls chatted but sometimes the mother was in the mood for harm so she'd find some reason to pull me or my sister to the back and beat us with the dowel rod. She'd send us back out to the living room to sit with the girls while we waited for her. The girls were shocked, not sure what to do. She loved to humiliate us. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Robert talks physical torture and emotional control"

He talked about how he's seen adults crumble from the pain of caning, so why did my mother think a child could come through it time and again, whole. He said he had to find a way to get through it so while he was being beaten he began to think of more pleasurable experiences which included sexual contact with the girl next door. We were in the 4th grade she in the 3rd.

It didn't seem odd to sit next to this girl and talk about what was being done to us by adults. It was our normal and didn't seem like something we needed to hide from one another. My mother was well aware of the relationship. It was that experience and experiences with other girls that I tried to focus on when being beaten with a dowel rod.

Robert explained that the young girl's uncle had been abusing our girlfriend and that one day while my mother wasn't home the uncle came in our house. At the time, my sister and I were sleeping in my mother's bed. He sat on the end of the bed for the longest time. He made a phone call, sat there longer and then left. I called my mother to tell her. She didn't even bother to come home. She was at work and had the liberty to leave but didn't. Another time this uncle stood in the window of my mother's room and watched the three of us in bed together. That was my 4th grade year. Only when my mother and he made eye contact did she decide to call the police. She was mad because they used their sirens to announce their presence. She wanted them to sneak up on him. After that day I never saw the guy again. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Robert Talks Physical Torture and Suicide"

This is a whirlwind journal entry, a roller coaster journal entry with a bit of resolution at the end of the second part of it.

The old GP's office called twice today, once this morning and then directly after hanging up from my therapy session. The GP's office wanted to remind me that I am no longer their patient and to say a third time that the script for the muscle relaxer had been denied. This has been well established. Thank you for that.

Then......as soon as my super heavy phone session with Dr. D ended the old GP's office called AGAIN. This time the GP said he was willing to write me a script for 30 pills, not a refill but 10 days worth of medication. I was then told to make it last. "Make it last."  ...continue reading "Old GP Calls Twice Today – I’m not your dog"

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This is a whirlwind journal entry, a roller coaster journal entry with a bit of resolution at the end of this entry. This first part starts out with me being angry enough to slip in speech just a little bit......

5:37 pm
I was ranting to a close friend about the medication I was to 'make last'. It is so offensive. It felt like him saying to me, 'I know this isn't anywhere close to enough. I know you're going to be in pain but here is a tiny, tiny bit of relief.' My pride kicked in. You can not do this to me. I am so angry. How dare you call me twice and rub salt in my wounds? So, while talking to Snow I said, "I know they didn't think I was going to be okay with it!!!!!! I said, you can't toss me scraps and think I'll be okay with it. They've got the wrong nigga for that!!!" .... oh crap........

I have spent the last 5 years doing my utmost to clean up my language. I always worried it would be the F-bomb I'd drop, not the N-word. Right now I'm pushed to the brink. How many times do you need to call me to tell me I can't come back and that you're not giving me refills? The 30 days are up. Why are you calling me?  ...continue reading "I’m not your dog"

Comments for this entry have been turned off.
Content: Self harm, cutting discussion. Discussion of fear of the police or anyone trying to restrain us. PTSD triggered response if ever handcuffed. Letter to alter personality Robert, feelings of being easily forgotten, ignored when in need, overwhelmed. 

We talked about the issue of feeling invisible and that it is important for this vulnerable part of us right now to be seen, not ignored. Though one alter may hold this feeling of being invisible to others, easily looked over, easily forgotten, the truth belongs to the whole of me. In therapy we discussed both the alter that feels this way and the person Faith who feels this way.

Past integration has produced more fluid emotion. Anger issues are included in the 'fluid emotions' category. At times I am able to go from one emotion to the next without switching personalities. That's what's meant by 'fluid emotion'. Even if the emotion is intense or expressed incorrectly I've shown improvement in staying in my core person.

Alters are always allowed to write on this blog and use their name. That will only change if full integration is reached. I'm not there so alters will write freely. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Anxiety and Reassurance for Robert"

4:08 pm EST
Notes: I feel like a live wire. I don't know how to throw the breaker switch. In session we went over quite a bit of art. He noted a clear distinction between my art, Jordan's art and Emery's art. We talked about feeling angry and how we don't want others to feel afraid. We know what it feels like to be on the other end of fear and we don't want to be so emotional that we scare or intimidate people. We talked about how I wish they'd kept me inside and refused to let me out like how it was a long time ago. They never let me talk to people. I shouldn't talk to people. My main role is to take the physical pain because Jordan and Emery can't, they can't take it, which leaves me. I'm bad. I'm broken and I never should have been allowed out. I mess stuff up. I told Dr. D that I should just handle the pain but I shouldn't talk to people. When the phone rings let Jordan do it. Let her do the social stuff, the volunteer stuff. Let Emery do certain things. I'll manage the body, that way I won't mess stuff up because of being mad.
Robert

5:24 pm EST
Dr. D pointed to the sketch by Emery of a woman with a cracked tea cup on her back that holds a sunflower. He asked why its cracked. Its cracked because it feels as if we aren't recuperating fast enough; our usual means of self help don't feel as effective. It might be that we've been doing this dental stuff for so long that we're depleted faster than we can recharge. We have to find ways, seek them out, in order to recharge.

We talked about the other painting in that entry with the woman inside the cup with a large sunflower. At the bottom of the drawing it says, "There is enough room to grow." Dr. D thought I meant just the opposite because of how squeezed in she is but no, she's squeezed in on all sides, pressed from all directions, but she has enough of what she needs to keep going. She's not ready to stop. We're frightened and emotionally frayed, but we're not ready to stop.

In spotting the differences in the personality type and art type of Jordan and Emery, Dr. D honed in on Emery's short and to the point artistic style. Her expressions jump off the page. She does not clutter the background.

Jordan's River by Emerywith all her imperfections Jordan is color crazy but doesn't jam the paper as full as I do. She takes you on a visual tour but she doesn't max paper the way I do.

I've done a lot of maze art in the last few days. I figured out what media I want to use for one. It won't be easy, but I want to do one of them in wax color, like the other encaustics but very detailed. I'm looking at some viable options on Amazon for an encaustic

A recent tangled / maze drawing called "The Main Event"

The Main Event horizontal by RobertJordan gives a river of color in "Color Rush".Color Rush 1 4x6I've got to go to sleep. I can't keep my eyes open any longer.
Robert

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