A few things have changed in my health but I'm hanging in. I didn't have to go in. There were some things that could be done outpatient and in the ER. I'm relieved not to have spent days locked in the hospital!
There are some dietary changes. It would appear that green drinks are not good for people w my blood disorder. Without knowing, I was putting down one of the highest vitamin K drinks you can make, which I should not have been doing. This is the second time one of my holistic steps has backfired. Though my GP and I agreed my symptoms were severe and I should use Black Cohosh to relieve menapause symptoms, someone w my clotting disorder should NEVER use that, not EVER! I didn't know that. I do now and I'm under quality guidance now, too.
I've been getting quite an education on what to do and what not to do. I've been learning about how my own blood system works and about what makes blood clot and what makes it thin. This is very important bc it seems all sorts of things change blood thickness. Everything from olive oil to Marijuana to Turmeric and even many essential oils can thin the blood or clot it. Care has to be taken with such items and some avoided all together... not Marijuana though. Thinning the blood or not, MMJ and tea are part of my daily life.
I have to several limit how much Matcha and other green tea I drink bc of my blood disorder but I need not avoid them at this time. There was only one food item I was killing myself with in mass quantities that I must leave behind. My love of greens must die! Kale is not my friend. It hates me and wants to kill me. Lol It has paired w my immune system, which also hates me. I can't get rid of my immune system but I must leave kale and greens behind. My second fav is cooked spinach. I can have it but I can't over do it
So, I'm home, hanging out with the frogs. Doing my best to stay encouraged. One such way to do that is to drink coffee. Yup, coffee. It's a coffee kinda day. Oh, ohhhh oh! I found coffee from Congo on Amazon. My black tea from Kenya was on there, too. I must splurge and have coffee from my grandfather's country of Congo.
The problem with going to the hospital is that I was just there! I mean seriously, are they keeping a room open just for me now?
Yeah, I'm delaying. I'm trying to enjoy a few more moments outside the hospital. I just want a little more time b4 needles, prodding and more medications. It's been months since someone asked that intrusive question, "When is the last time your bowels moved?" Every dang day they asked me that. I know I was on some serious pain killers that could shut down my bowel, but the question is intrusive. There is no such thing as privacy in the hospital. No quiet. Just sickness. Depressing.
My left leg is very painful. I try to ignore it and do other things. My breathing isn't normal. All I can do is shake my head.
Here we go again. That's what I keep thinking, here we go again! I don't want to.
Tomorrow I see Dr D in his office. I want to see him b4 I go in just in case I'm in for more than a few days.
I worry about losing my pets again.
I'll have my phone with me.
Robert was going to allow the CNA from Zambia to return for a set period of time to see if we could overcome our fears, however, an opportunity to speak arose and we took it. I'm relieved to say that the woman who triggers us will not be returning.
It was difficult to tell them she can't come back because it feels like a failure on my part. But yet again, I can't get over it. I was beating myself up with guilt. It feels bad that I need yet another accommodation bc of my PTSD, but not as bad as letting her come here. ...continue reading "Speaking Up."
It's strange that 10 min ago I was passed out on the floor with a 7up spilling over. What might seem strange is that I'm blogging right after but I am bc I'm afraid to be alone. It feels better talking to the blog than laying here waiting for the cna to get here. I'll have to talk to the nurse about the fall. I didn't trip, I just sort of collapsed. I got stuff on the floor but that's OK bc we have a rug cleaner.
We have LifeAlert. It's better to call then than a regular ambulance bc LA has my history. The others walk in cold.
There's Jasmine in the defuser. It smells wonderful.
Oh boy It's pretty bad. Man. All I want to do is roll over and cry. I don't know what to do to make it stop.
One reason for anxiety is the length of time the CNA will be here. She'll be here 5 days a week. At first it was 9-5 but now it's 10-3 each day.
I'm having trouble w the newest CNA being a middle aged black woman. This is a brand new company for me and I hate to tell them that I have to switch CNA's bc she reminds me too much of my abuser but that will have to be done bc the one they sent me can't put her hands on me at all. She walked in the door and my brain twisted.
The CNA is quiet and mild mannered. She has a very soft voice. She's from Zambia.
We talked about her heritage and mine which was cool.
I wish I wasn't so broken that skin color matters. It matters if a black woman comes here bc I still see all of them as my abusive mother.
My mother and I are very soft spoken. My words are heavy but my voice is not loud at all. Never has been. Mom didn't scream a lot, didn't curse, was well put together. The CNA is not well put together. Even if she was, she's not my mother, but try telling my head that when she helps me in the shower..... Nah, she can't work here!
I don't get the final say in this stuff but I hope beyond everything that Robert pulls the plug on this one. For our sanity, don't let her come back!
I've been tickled all day that a new leaf on my single leaf Pathos is growing. 🙂 This plant is special because its the only Pathos that made it from the old apartment. The other plants are gone except a friend saved a tiny, itty bitty little plant. Having it feels like a little piece of the old life was saved, ya know?
Wrigley watches with sleepy eyes.
...continue reading "Watch it Grow"
Dr. D and I discussed the recent firing of my new CNA. I fired her for several reasons and fired the company, too.
My insurance covers a CNA that can take me to the store and to doctor appointments. It turns out this CNA was driving me around w/o a drivers license or insurance. I called the company and they shocked the crap out of me when they said they hire people to drive even when they have only a hardship license. This girl had that when she was hired but let it drop because she couldn't pay for it. Still she took me to the store! When I called the company with my concerns the CNA decided to call me and curse me out!!! Obviously she can't return to my home after that. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Lowered Expectations and Less Stress"
I felt ugly talking to Dr. D today. We talked about binge eating and how my diet isn't the best. I have a terrible sweet tooth but I also eat to sooth myself. I hope it counts for something that I didn't binge the other day. I'm not a fat slob failure but I certainly feel like one.
We talked about the amount of anxiety that I feel, still. This was going on before the medical event and has picked right back up. It's been difficult not to cut but I reluctantly admitted to scratching in order to relieve stress.
We talked about the hug from The Surgeon. He was surprised I liked the hug. I told him I get about 10 hugs every time I go to the Kingdom Hall. I like them. The hug from The Surgeon was healing, especially since I won't see him again. I like the spider plant starts I got from them, too. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Ugly. Self Harm. Weight"
(sigh) I saw The Surgeon for the last time yesterday afternoon. I didn't expect him to hug me but I'm glad he did. I gave him his painting and as expected, I cried at the end. As a matter of fact I got in the car, went to the store, purchased 4 pints of ice cream and a dozen donuts to sooth those tears. Strawberry and Death by Chocolate seemed like good band-aides. I ate a few of the donuts but left the ice cream lot untouched in the freezer.......This is all so painfully unnatural.
I have a hard time letting go of him right now so I was given 3 spider plant starts from his office. How cool is that? His office is the one who gave me the push to set up my 3 gallon Betta 'bowl'. They've got a set up on each desk when you first walk in that are gorgeous. I so want to do a second Betta set up. Anyway.... ...continue reading "Surgeon. CNA. Spoiled Me."
About a year ago I took a vow of simplicity. I started before the health scare took place and am picking up where I left off.
What is it? What's the point?
A vow of simplicity is one where you vow to live (for a time) a more simple existence which includes freeing up time wasters, money wasters and drama for the purpose of mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing and balance.
I think simplicity has cleaner lines of thought and action. I think life can be filled with distraction and clutter and I'd like to minimize the affects the outside cluttered world has on me.
The vow is personal and spiritual, and has nothing to do with how others live or thrive.
Being a personal vow, it is specific to my needs.
This is in fact a vow before God to live a simplified life for a time. Its new and official start date was September 1st of 2018. Because the vow is before God it is more than a goal. It's a spiritual obligation. I really want this in a large way which is why I did a vow instead of a goal. I wanted the obligation to fulfill it.
How is this a spiritual goal?
If I mentally simplify my life and declutter it, I am available more mentally for spiritual things such as Bible reading and teaching others about the Bible. Simplifying my life so there's not so much damage control, not so many distractions to muddle through will allow me to be more available to assist in a ministerial way.
What is it not? ...continue reading "A Vow of Simplicity"