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Content: Suicide discussion. Grief

I don't know how to write this entry. I've been trying since yesterday to contain myself enough to take notes from therapy concerning all the suicide triggers of late. Perhaps first I should say I understand the desire to die and I understand what pushes a person to try because I've tried myself, but it doesn't seem to apply with my brother. I can't seem to square it with my brother because he was loved so much but when I was trying to kill myself I wasn't loved abundantly like him. It seems to make a world of difference.

My brother left behind his entire children's orchestra, his family and friends. He was loved very much and so robbing us of himself feels brutally painful.

I'd like to know how he came to the decision that it was ok to leave us behind with few answers to a world of questions? How did he justify leaving us all by suicide? Did he think we'd get over it? If so, he should have left instructions how.

Is love enough to save a life full of physical or emotional pain? Is being cherished and adored enough to keep you alive?

I have a memory that is stuck in my head. It's of him at age three. He's standing at the kitchen sink on a chair washing dishes. He loved doing that. And he turned around and smiled the biggest smile like, look what I'm doing. That smile is burned in my mind. The memory is painful and joyous.

I had hoped he would break away from the family of ours and live a life free of abuses we suffered. I hoped a lot for him. Now he's gone and it's insufferable. The only thing I have left of him now is his toddler's smile.

Faith

The nurse visited again to check my lungs which have shown improvement. She wants me to continue the excersizes to strengthen them.

Of course there was an incident with the foot. I was soaking them but didn't realize the water was too hot and burned myself. Oh my gosh! Oh the issues one has when they can't feel part of the body. I'm new at this whole thing but I'll get the hang of it.

During the visit the nurse paid me a wonderful complement. She said she's normally an anxious person but when she comes here she feels very relaxed and can feel stress fall off her. She said the environment is welcoming and that I have a very welcoming spirit. Without knowing, her complement helped to heal over a few weeks of feeling like a bad person for having negative experiences with the nurse's aides (CNAs).

Last Monday's session with Dr D concerning the CNAs was worse than the appointment the Monday before that. It was so bad that I cursed him out. I can't believe that happened, but it did. It did nothing for my argument that I've not contributed to the drama in this house caused solely by some of the the nurse's aides. I could not get him to let go of the ides that it takes two for conflict. Well then conflict isn't the right word, "drama" is!

So the session ended badly then without knowing it, the nurse kind of gave me a complement that reminded me of what others have said. I have a welcoming home and generally a welcoming spirit. However, I can be triggered and pushed too far.... as Dr D found out.

We now have a permanent CNA that seems like she will work out. We're going to miss the last one who didn't get to stay bc she didn't have car insurance to transport us to the doctor and store. This one has everything in order and seems nice. So far she's not treated me like her therapist. She shows up on time and works very well. She's a tad ditzy but hey, ya know, it happens. I do like her.

When I interviewed the new nurse's aide I asked about depression and suicidal ideation. She denied both so she passed that test. In the last month I've dealt with 3 suicidal individuals, so yeah, I flat out asked her mental health status.

I have therapy again Monday afternoon. We'll see how it goes.

Robert

2

The nurse came by today to check on the foot that I accidentally hacked at while managing it. It looks good, she said. It's healing nicely.

Right now there are no major worries, which is kind of a worry to say. I feel like as soon as I say I'm ok that it's a cue for things to go haywire.

The only issue I have right now is my lungs, fatigue and endurance issues. No blood clots or anything like that. Fatigue goes with the territory but my lung capacity situation does not. She gave me some exercises to do and told me she'd be back in a week.

We're still working on my walking and stamina. I still can't feel much in the legs and feet but pain, and they do not desire to hold me. I concentrate very hard while walking but I tend to forget where one foot is, so it gets shut in stuff or left behind and stumbled over.

I'm trying to get used to the feeling of walking in shoes. What a strange feeling. I look like a dog when you put snow boots on him. The control is loose and wild, like I don't know how to place my foot. I walk much better without shoes.

In CNA news, it's been a quiet and relaxing week with a timely, good worker. I DON'T get to keep her because she has no car insurance and therefore can't take me to the store or to doctor appointments. However, she's on time, works well and does not stress me out.

Ya know, sending me a CNA without car insurance is a problem with these companies. Sending me a great CNA without car insurance is insult to injury after the last fiasco! I wish I could keep her but I require a CNA with legal transportation. The company is well aware she doesn't have insurance and they let her drive other clients around. I don't do it though, so, I lose a great fit again.

Despite several extreme cases with my care givers, there were a number of temporary people like her to come through here with out drama. I've been verbal on the blog concerning the difficulties but not so much about the ones like I had this week. I intend to remind Dr D of the many times I said to him that I had a quiet week with a CNA because I refuse to have it sounds like I can't be happy and satisfied. Yes, the issue of guilt and fault still troubles me, just not to the same degree. So, while I recognize the good CNAs, it is the extreme drama that disrupts and unhinges me.

I'm pleased with my nurse. She is always professional and kind. I hope to have better lung functioning and improvement with endurance when I see her next Friday.

Faith

I'm trying to manage in my head that this all is not my fault. It only takes someone to hint that it is and my head gets all messed up. Right now it doesn't matter to me why I worry stuff is my fault, I'm just trying to say that it feels really bad to be thought of as a problem. So, I'm struggling with that right now.

To help matters, I got a call from the CNA company concerning the issues with CNA 1 and 2 as well as the chicken salad situation. They took responsibility for it and said they realized I was having a rough patch with cna's right now. It was helpful to hear from a supervisor that the company realizes the problem isn't me but the individuals being sent.

I talked to my CICOA representative who also said its the poor quality of individuals being hired that's the problem, not me. She shook her head in disbelief at the details surrounding the CNA and the suicide threats here.

I try to be "good" because being labeled "bad" hurts too much. I was always told I'm bad and trouble, a burden. Everything was my fault. It was as if I had the power to destroy the world in one mistake. I didn't know when I'd destroy lives but I was told I was and could make people unhappy. I was a horrible person, destroying everything I touched, ruining innocent people.

There was a time I found out that a friend had cancer. I didn't want to be around her for fear I'd somehow make her sicker. Forget that she was stage 4 skin cancer, it felt like my badness had somehow made her sick! That's when I knew I had to work on my perception of my badness. I mean, that's a lot of power, to sicken someone clear across the country!!! How did I get this super power to destroy lives since very young? I am not the devil. I don't ruin and destroy everything I touch. It was yet another lie I was told, brainwashing and emotional abuse.

Today I'm trying to toss out the idea that I am bad and that I ruin lives and opportunities, that everything is my fault and nothing good can stay with someone so bad and undeserving. These thoughts are not welcome and I'm not accepting them today. What I'm going to do is get up and work on a project that I know I can complete successfully. This will boost my spirits and confidence and help put my mind on a healthier track. Forget all I was told by my sadistic mother. Those thoughts and memories are not welcome. I'm powerful enough to push them away. Robert

5

My first response was to panic. I needed to hear him tell me he doesn't think the CNA situations are my fault. He said he doesn't but he also said that it might not be that black and white, that I may be contributing to the issues. I reminded him that my last regular CNA was BiPolar, off her medication and suicidal. There's no way on earth that has anything to do with me. What about the one who volunteered the information that I look gay to her and then made fun of me for limping while walking? Did I add to that? Or the other day when a CNA came and told me she wanted me to help make my chicken salad and I told her that two people making chicken salad in the kitchen is too much. She asked me if I wanted to stir the salad and I said no. She then turned around, put the bowl in my face and said, "Stir." I looked dead at her and said, "No." About that, Dr. D said, "Others don't experience this same level of conflict that you have with the CNA's." I said, that's not true, and tell me you don't think this is my fault. He said no, I don't but I also don't think it's that black and white. I said, I do. When they bring drama to my home it's them bringing it, not me. No where else in my life do I have this type of difficulty. Besides, I know too many other people with a CNA that have this type of problem. This is not my fault. So. I figure I'm going to shut up about it. Forget this whole thing about processing it out cause clearly I'm just irritating people, him. I'm done trying to justify myself in the middle of insanity. That's what it is too. When someone shoves a bowl in your face and demands that you help make chicken salad after you already told them no twice, then the problem is with them. People know for certain that home nurses abuse because shows have been on TV about it. Why do you think people have hidden cameras in their home when a CNA comes in? Because they're trouble. Because they abuse. Because the stories patients tell are so over the top that they're not believable at times so the person who isn't the patient has to see it for themselves. What they seem dumbfounds them. The patient has been telling the truth the whole time. Yes, CNA's are trouble. Nurses are trouble. Once you bring them in your home the whole dynamic changes from professional to abusive and insane. But who is it that gets questioned and disbelieved? The patient. The patient!!!! And that really makes me angry that my therapist would actually go there with me. Pathetic.

Update : Today the company reached out to me and said they understand that things have been crazy and that they are sorry for the drama. They said they are sorry I had so much on me and that they are working to fix things. The call was needed so that I don't feel like a problem client. I just can't have this be my fault! so I'm happy they called to fix things and say they understand it's them and not me. It's so important that I not be viewed as a problem or bad.

Robert

2

I've processed this out in my head a bit because when it happened it got under my skin.

Yesterday one of the CNAs said several times, the reason she didn't work out here is because I'm "not used to working with adults" and she's used to "working with a different clientele." She said she doesn't like the clientele this particular company assigns her. Even now as I write it I'm like, really, a different clientele?

When she talked down to me that way, it fed into my issues. Her words stung deeper than they should have. My head heard her say that I'm not mature and that I can only relate to children, not adults. I can't hold an adult relationship.

I just said in another entry that my own mother couldn't hold an adult relationship if tried.

So the question I asked myself is this, can I hold adult relationships? Yes. I can and do. I had to counter the inner message that I'm broken, a broken child. To do so, I began to list my relationships.

I hold healthy and simi-healthy adult relationships. I have many friends that I see on a regular basis. I'm closer with some than others. I have a range of friendships from close inner circle to casual friends. I have friends from the internet as well as acquaintances from the internet, all adult relationships. So the answer is yes.

The CNA may not have even meant that I can't hold adult relationships. But talking down to me triggered my issues, issues my brain struggled to untangle.

When stuff like this comes up, I can either swallow it down or process it and move forward. I choose to move forward.

Faith

A good friend sent me this photo because she could see me doing this. I do have a love affair with lavender, some call it an addiction. It started innocently enough. I used it for anxiety but fell in love with the scent and color. So now, even when I'm not anxious, I use it.

Lavender is in my shampoo but not the conditioner. It's sprayed on my pillows, is in my teddy bears, and the floor. Why is there lavender on the floor? I fall a lot and sometimes it's hard to get up. If I'm going to be down there awhile, it might as well be pleasant. Too, I do yoga on the floor on my mat, so I want that comfort and aroma then, too.

I'm not yet sweating lavender drops. I do not have purple tears. Purple Rain is one of my favorite songs.

Lavender is diffused, put in my nostrils, in lotions and on the scarves I wear that hang in front of my face. Yes, I have a lavender problem but, I've not been constantly writing about overwhelming anxiety either, so something is working. 😁 It is working. I don't use any pharmaceuticals to ease anxiety, just essential oils and dried lavender in my bears.

I primarily use lavender essential oils by Young Living for shampoo and lotions. I only use Young Living for my nostrils. I use the Now product for everything else. Breaking away from lavender, I use Chamomile in my hair conditioner.

Faith

I didn't get to sleep until 9 this morning bc my pain levels were too high. I tossed and turned and laid here looking at the wall. Finally I slept and woke at 6pm. The entire day is over. I'm not discouraged by this today bc the bigger picture is this - I've got few immediate responsibilities which allows me to have the time to be sick. I'm grateful for the position I'm in that allows life to stop and let me recover. Today is a day of recovery.

Good stuff that happened this week:

I sold 2 dolls and an original art piece.

Warm dinners were made all week here at home. I loved it.

I had pancakes 2 times this week. 😊

Homemade hot chocolate during the cold snap was wonderful.

I've been able to avoid prolonged emotional triggers by processing them and letting them go.

I bought a tiny wheelchair to sit a doll in. A friend of mine is having heart surgery and I can't be there, so I'm sending a representative. Froggie will go for me.

Faith

4

Content : Sexual abuse

I feel like throwing up. I feel like rolling over in the fetal position to cry.

This is the second time the CNA 2 talked to me about homosexuality. The first time I didn't say much. Today she went into detail and told me I look like a "stud". That is not a compliment to a person who is not an stud. She said I "look gay" and that I am not a "girly - girl. " She commented that I don't wear long nails, eyelashes and makeup. I told her I prefer the natural look.

The main difficulty of being called a stud is that it removes my femininity, something I cherish.

As a child, my mother used me as if I was a man. Also, she would say, "Are you gay? Are you a boy? Do you want me to cut your hair?" As early as the second grade she began chipping away at my birth right to be female. She hounded me, always asking if I thought I was a boy. Never did I feel that way, but she did use me that way.

She started the same crap with my brother. She kept asking him if he was gay. The boy was three! Three years old and she was hounding him, too.

Dr D and I talked about how I will need to reason with myself on the matter. When I look in the mirror I don't see anything masculine about me. I don't feel masculine. Whatever is seen by others is not under my control. I can still be comfortable in my skin as a woman and throw off the absurdity from my CNA 2.

I have two CNAs and one nurse. CNA 2 is the one who crossed boundaries today.

Dr D asked if I switch personalities when the cna's are inappropriate. No. I just listen like a good girl, just like when listening to my mother. I give no indication that I'm disturbed and upset. That has changed recently. I tell them when they have crossed the line but I don't show that I'm upset. That's the main thing for me, never give what they're looking for. Never give them a reaction of shock or dismay. I learned that dealing with my mother. She was looking for a reaction so I refused to give her one! I do this w a lot of people now, no physical reaction no matter what!

Jordan

2

I was able to go in to see Dr D today. It was good to see him. It feels like forever when its only been a few weeks. I talk to him every Monday though. Anyway, the kids stayed out the entire time. Between Michelle and Ariel (6) there was no time given to anyone else. He does fine talking to them, but it wears me out. I've been fighting a headache after the whole thing, which I hear is common.

Michelle went over some art created while trying to deal with her anxiety. She talked about how she is being helped by lavender essential oils. Since we don't leave home often, it never occurred to us that we might need it while out. I'll make sure to have some on a scarf so that it is right there for us to use.

I didn't realize how close of a friendship Robert and the little ones have. It's possible for them to talk back and forth and hear each other clearly whereas I usually have to listen really, really hard to hear them or rely on their letters and notes to me. I can't communicate with Robert as easily as Michelle can. I was shocked by how clear their communication was today.

Although subject matter wasn't heavy, switching to a child personality is exhausting emotionally and physically. Since my nurse was the one who took me to therapy and she doesn't know I have DID, I had to immediately come forward and ride home with zero time to transition from therapy head to normal head.

Nope, the nurses and aids don't know about the multiple personality disorder. I usually don't tell people about it, unless of course they're total strangers on the internet. Most of my friends don't know and don't need to know. Only about 5, my closest inner circle, know.

When nurses are around I, Jordan, stay out. How, I don't know, but I do. I, and everyone inside, will answer to the name Faith. At home alone people come and go as they please. The kids know their boundaries and don't try to cook or make tea. No one leaves the house on their own. The kids are good about knowing house rules so it's ok for them to come out when we're alone. The older teens look after each other, too. We're a good group.

As far as art goes, I'm working on 5 art projects that will be completed soon. I'm working on one small doll and one doll bag holder. My second home nurse, the one that comes on Fridays, says she may take the doll bag holder for her mom. I'll still post photos though.

Last but not least, there's been a bit of talk inside about taking a break from Facebook. I don't know for how long but I'm throwing around the idea. Facebook has its place in small quantities. I'm thinking of a lot less after a break.

Jordan

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