These pieces were worked on in the last two weeks. There's been a lot of art lately but hardly any of it has hit the internet. I'm falling behind on it, however, today there are a few to show.
They're all four different from one another. Creating them was quite emotional, especially the last piece when Robert spoke with Dr. D about some difficulties he was having.
The black and white mask is also by Robert. The other two are by Michelle. All are created in watercolor. The last one has crayon as well.
Today in therapy we talked about how difficult it can be to sit here with our CNA day after day and not have her know a thing about our DID. Today two of our snails died just before the CNA arrived which means we had to just swallow it down and not think about it. That's difficult for a kid who just lost her pet. It can be difficult for me, Jordan, to stay out for 6 hours, 6 days a week but so far it's happened. So far we've kept our secret.
The nurse came out today. I asked her to speak plainly. She said, "You're not going to get better." I burst into tears. It's not like I am unaware, it's just hard to hear. She added that I'll have good and bad days. I still cried. It makes me sad, this new life. I'm still mourning the old. Sometimes I'm ok with this new life but today I'm not.
In therapy we talked about the difficulty of accepting that this body sucks. We talked about what caused the falls as well as feeling pressured to walk. The pressure is mostly, mostly internal. I see people with amputations walking around or elderly people hobbling and feel shame that I'm in a chair. I "should" be up. Then I think, Faith, you can't compare yourself to anyone else! I know I have extensive nerve damage that can't be seen. Lord knows I can feel the pain, but it can't be seen. I just feel so bad about myself right now.
In session, Dr D looked at some of the art by Robert and said it's disturbing and creepy. Robert thanked him. Dr D suggested that he and Robert spend more time together in sessions bc he said he thinks Robert has a lot going on in his head that he needs to get out. The thing is, Robert remembers the sessions not long ago when cursed Dr D out for acting like an idiot about the CNAs. Robert does not trust the man right now. He's certainly not going to sit and confide in him. More time needs to pass between those terrible sessions.
CICOA is coming out Thursday for my review. Wow, what timing. My doctor is requesting that I have Saturday care too, which CICOA and the nursing company will get approved. This means I'll have 6 days a week that a CNA is here. I'll have a different Saturday aide than during the week. This means trying to find a second aide that fits here. A second aide the inside people have to hide from. Let's hope it's not too long b4 they find someone suitable. Maybe it'll only be a few weeks until I heal from the falls, then maybe I can go back to 5 days a week.
Today I'm tearful and sad. I'm also physically tired which makes a difference in my mood.
Dinner was beautiful. I had portobello and goat cheese fettuccine with fresh spinach and tomatoes. It was inspired by a frozen dinner. Tomorrow is homemade deep dish pizza. I still love to cook.
Content : Suicide discussion. Physical updates. Flashbacks of abuse. Abuse.
The nurse will be here tomorrow. I've fallen 3x in a week so things are a bit messy right now.
I've been told I pushed too hard, tried to do too much.
I'll see Dr D tomorrow as well. He is concerned about what he calls hallucinations and what I refer to as body memories. This is the second time he's asked if I'm suicidal and the second time I've told him no. The more suicides I hear about the further away from a possibility it is for me. George Foreman's daughter and 3 survivors of school shootings recently took their lives! It hurts and reminds me of my brother's suicide. How could I make the decision to kill myself, knowing what I now know? Years ago it was an option but not now. Not now.
During flashbacks I smell blood and urine. I can feel her hitting me. I can smell her parfume. My stomach cramps and I vomit.
I'm feeling a bit down right now. A little lonely, too.
I should mention, I like my new CNA a lot. She's on time, works and drinks tea with me in the morning. The funny thing is, there are a few teas that are just for me. I don't share them. I finally got tea in the mail from Uganda. It's awesome and just mine. I have Japanese Orchid tea that is exclusive as well. Most teas I'll readily share but some are saved just for me.
We talked about the dream I had where my mother beat my sister without mercy. It was brutal. She did so in a separate room from me, my cousin and 2 aunts. It was so bad and went on so long that I risked myself by knocking on the door to interrupt it. It worked and she stopped.
After the mother and sister emerged the cousin told my mother that I had made negative comments about her. I denied it. The mother took me in the room behind closed doors where she questioned me under threat. I swore I didn't say it. She believed me and let me go unharmed.
When we left the room the cousin admitted she lied. Everyone flipped out and yelled at her, why, why, why? She said that what my mother did to my sister was wrong but that my sister shouldn't have to do it alone. She said if I was beaten too then there would be an equalizing. My sister and I would be on even ground, sharing an experience. She said that it wouldn't be that one sibling witnessed the humiliation of another but that both would know and so one wouldn't be in a higher position than the other.
The dream was interesting to say the least because it touched on how it feels to watch a sibling abused and what it feels like to have your abuse witnessed. Someone saw the emotional and physical impact it had and that in itself is abuse and traumatic, to have someone see you like that. It also touched on the trauma of watching the horror show helplessly.
In the dream we were all at the mercy of the mother. The answer to making sure my sister and I were emotionally connected was for me to be beaten. Never did anyone step in and say, "You can't beat them this way" or "What you're doing is wrong and we aren't going to allow it." No, the answer was to beat me so that neither one of us was alone. One would be alone in that she watched the abuse. The other alone in that she experienced the abuse.
Dr. D and I discussed how my mother rarely went off the rails and just started beating us. She was more focused. She beat the palms of our hands, our feet with a dowel rod quite often. She beat our lips with a wide tooth comb. Rarely did she slap us in the face. When beating us with the dowel rod while laying down it was focused on our back area: legs, butt, back. There were times we got punched in the face but it was rare. My mother's rage was focused on areas of high pain, with an item she said she used because it hurt.
Robert spoke to Dr. D today. I can't say it was a good session at all. Robert is still very protective of us after the suicide issues with the CNA. Dr. D asked why we didn't report the CNA sooner than we did. He then said, "You usually protect yourselves so well." Robert reminded him that the CNA his the 'mother cord' with her suicide threats. We felt responsible! We felt guilty! We felt small and like we were in fight or flight. When it got bad it got bad quickly and we were in fight or flight. Why didn't I tell? Well dang it.....(sigh) what kind of question is that? Listen, I have mother issues and this girl played right into them. I'd even look her in the face each morning to see what kind of mood she was in to see what type of day we would have, just like my mother. If she cried then I cried with her. If she (the CNA and my mother) wanted to laugh then we laughed. I did exactly what I would have done had I been in the presence of my mother because I still have mother issues. She's the only person in the world who could make my knees shake. I told on the CNA when I could, period!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. D and I talked about hallucinations recently. I've been smelling blood and urine even though its not there. There's been a bit of depersonalization as well.
You know what? I'm not strong enough. I'm just one person and I've been through a lot lately. I've had so little time to recharge from the hospitalization, the amputation and the new life I'm leading. There's been so little time to get firmly rooted, then for the whole suicide thing to pop up and her behavior to mimic that of my mother is just too much. So yeah, things are messed up right now. My head is messed up right now.
I don't know how to write this entry. I've been trying since yesterday to contain myself enough to take notes from therapy concerning all the suicide triggers of late. Perhaps first I should say I understand the desire to die and I understand what pushes a person to try because I've tried myself, but it doesn't seem to apply with my brother. I can't seem to square it with my brother because he was loved so much but when I was trying to kill myself I wasn't loved abundantly like him. It seems to make a world of difference.
My brother left behind his entire children's orchestra, his family and friends. He was loved very much and so robbing us of himself feels brutally painful.
I'd like to know how he came to the decision that it was ok to leave us behind with few answers to a world of questions? How did he justify leaving us all by suicide? Did he think we'd get over it? If so, he should have left instructions how.
Is love enough to save a life full of physical or emotional pain? Is being cherished and adored enough to keep you alive?
I have a memory that is stuck in my head. It's of him at age three. He's standing at the kitchen sink on a chair washing dishes. He loved doing that. And he turned around and smiled the biggest smile like, look what I'm doing. That smile is burned in my mind. The memory is painful and joyous.
I had hoped he would break away from the family of ours and live a life free of abuses we suffered. I hoped a lot for him. Now he's gone and it's insufferable. The only thing I have left of him now is his toddler's smile.
The nurse visited again to check my lungs which have shown improvement. She wants me to continue the excersizes to strengthen them.
Of course there was an incident with the foot. I was soaking them but didn't realize the water was too hot and burned myself. Oh my gosh! Oh the issues one has when they can't feel part of the body. I'm new at this whole thing but I'll get the hang of it.
During the visit the nurse paid me a wonderful complement. She said she's normally an anxious person but when she comes here she feels very relaxed and can feel stress fall off her. She said the environment is welcoming and that I have a very welcoming spirit. Without knowing, her complement helped to heal over a few weeks of feeling like a bad person for having negative experiences with the nurse's aides (CNAs).
Last Monday's session with Dr D concerning the CNAs was worse than the appointment the Monday before that. It was so bad that I cursed him out. I can't believe that happened, but it did. It did nothing for my argument that I've not contributed to the drama in this house caused solely by some of the the nurse's aides. I could not get him to let go of the ides that it takes two for conflict. Well then conflict isn't the right word, "drama" is!
So the session ended badly then without knowing it, the nurse kind of gave me a complement that reminded me of what others have said. I have a welcoming home and generally a welcoming spirit. However, I can be triggered and pushed too far.... as Dr D found out.
We now have a permanent CNA that seems like she will work out. We're going to miss the last one who didn't get to stay bc she didn't have car insurance to transport us to the doctor and store. This one has everything in order and seems nice. So far she's not treated me like her therapist. She shows up on time and works very well. She's a tad ditzy but hey, ya know, it happens. I do like her.
When I interviewed the new nurse's aide I asked about depression and suicidal ideation. She denied both so she passed that test. In the last month I've dealt with 3 suicidal individuals, so yeah, I flat out asked her mental health status.
I have therapy again Monday afternoon. We'll see how it goes.
I feel like throwing up. I feel like rolling over in the fetal position to cry.
This is the second time the CNA 2 talked to me about homosexuality. The first time I didn't say much. Today she went into detail and told me I look like a "stud". That is not a compliment to a person who is not an stud. She said I "look gay" and that I am not a "girly - girl. " She commented that I don't wear long nails, eyelashes and makeup. I told her I prefer the natural look.
The main difficulty of being called a stud is that it removes my femininity, something I cherish.
As a child, my mother used me as if I was a man. Also, she would say, "Are you gay? Are you a boy? Do you want me to cut your hair?" As early as the second grade she began chipping away at my birth right to be female. She hounded me, always asking if I thought I was a boy. Never did I feel that way, but she did use me that way.
She started the same crap with my brother. She kept asking him if he was gay. The boy was three! Three years old and she was hounding him, too.
Dr D and I talked about how I will need to reason with myself on the matter. When I look in the mirror I don't see anything masculine about me. I don't feel masculine. Whatever is seen by others is not under my control. I can still be comfortable in my skin as a woman and throw off the absurdity from my CNA 2.
I have two CNAs and one nurse. CNA 2 is the one who crossed boundaries today.
Dr D asked if I switch personalities when the cna's are inappropriate. No. I just listen like a good girl, just like when listening to my mother. I give no indication that I'm disturbed and upset. That has changed recently. I tell them when they have crossed the line but I don't show that I'm upset. That's the main thing for me, never give what they're looking for. Never give them a reaction of shock or dismay. I learned that dealing with my mother. She was looking for a reaction so I refused to give her one! I do this w a lot of people now, no physical reaction no matter what!
It was a packed session. We started off talking about what took place in the hospital yesterday. I was given news that should have made me happy but I can't seem to trust it. I'm still 'stage four' Lupus with issues associated with my kidneys and vascular system but the medications are working very well and have stabilized me. I have no new blood clots. I still have a lot of nerve damage but I can walk and that is something they weren't positive would happen. There's still a long way to go with my nerves healing which means I hurt quite a bit, but I am stable and out of the woods.
I told Big E, my Oncologist, that I want to be happy about the news but I'm still shell shocked. I said, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. He said, I know, I was there. When he said that I wanted to cry. I was so happy he said it. He was there, every single solitary day for three months he showed up by my bedside. Week days and weekends Big E was in my room checking on me, three months straight! ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Stability. Forgiveness. Gratitude."
Dr. D and I talked about the CNA that showed up today who was absolutely perfect. It went so well I had to call the supervisor to tell her so. That's when I found out I don't get to keep her but for one more visit. I hate that. The CNA and I also did some much needed organizing of the walk in closet. I so needed that help. You know what she did that felt so good? When it came time for me to soak my foot, she got a wash cloth then got real close to my foot and asked if I wanted her to wash the amputation site. She didn't act disgusted at all. I needed that. I really, really needed that. I didn't let her do it, but the gesture was healing. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: CNA. Butchery. DID."
In my therapy session today we talked about the dream I had just before he called. In the dream I was 47 but in the 2nd grade. I sat as an adult in South Korea with second grade children in class. The teacher taught evolution but one student spoke up to the teacher and class about why Jehovah's Witnesses believe in Creation. I offered a few supporting comments but it was hard to concentrate because the stereotypical shoes they gave me to wear were a podiatry nightmare. You could tell the American students from others because we were hopping like bunnies in the shoes. (hey don't judge lol lol it was just a dream. lol)
In a different dream I was sleeping next to my mother in bed as an adult. The bed was out in the open, in the middle of a town fair. There was a band, baton girls, food stalls and of course football because this is after all the Midwest. So we were sleeping on her stripped bed, nothing but a mattress. It was the same mattress from my childhood that she abused my family on. So she and I slept. My back was to her when she put her arm around me in a very loving, motherly way. I wanted it to be safe and allowed it. Finally I relaxed enough to feel a mother-daughter connection with her. It felt good. Then she realized she was cold because I hogged all the covers. ...continue reading "Therapy Review : Love Me"