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Today Dr. D and I discussed saying "no" to my mother and the consequences of doing so. My teeth began to chatter. I was rocking back and forth. I had to get a hold of myself.

Last night I was in the bedroom and instinctively turned to verify she wasn't in the doorway but for just a second I saw her. Obviously it was my head playing games, but for a second I thought I saw her standing there, which is why I turned to look. I had a scarf hanging over the door which created a figure in my peripheral vision. Turning to look isn't new. I have to force myself to not look at the door. I have to tell myself there's no way she's in the house, stop worrying, remember I'm safe now. But that's not enough, I have to look at the bedroom door to ease my mind. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Control. Gaining confidence."

We talked about the grieving process. I haven't been emotional in front of people, which may make me seem cold to her passing. It's been more private and I'm certain it'll stay that way. I'm running, that's for sure. I need distractions; I have them.

One distraction is the mean streak of Betty. I could go on and on about Betty but why? Until I change it, there's no reason to go on and on. The woman is a constant problem.

I told Dr. D that I'm working on getting different transportation to the store on Tuesday's but that I have real problems in cars. The only place I'm terribly claustrophobic and scared is in a car. I need to know I can get out and I need to know the person behind the wheel won't attack me physically. I need to know they aren't going to start hitting me, slapping me, threatening to drive into on coming traffic, won't scream "I'm killing us all" followed by driving off the road to wreck the car. (Times like this make me think I hate my mother.) ...continue reading "TR: Jane. Pain. Alternative Medicine"

I started giving Jane several very small meals a day so that she kept food on her stomach. She hasn't thrown anything up. She's not drinking as much as she was but she is still drinking. She stays in the corner and sleeps much of the time. I brush her as usual, once per day.

I feel guilty thinking to myself that I fear getting caught alone after she goes. I can't live alone. I need something alive with me. I love frogs and fish but I need something to mother, something to dote over and fuss about. I don't do well completely alone. ...continue reading "Jane. Pushing. Memorial Box"

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There was an elephant in the room the entire session. At the beginning of the session I noticed he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. I said, "You're not wearing your ring." He looked at his hand and said, "I forgot to put it on this morning." My immediate reply was, "Is that true?" He said yes. I said, "You're a different person when you're married." He said, "I'm still married."

I fear I caught him in a lie which changes a lot for me. We'll talk about it Monday over the phone. I hope he didn't cheat on his wife. That's what immediately came to mind. If he cheated on his wife it will be a huge, huge wound in our working relationship, huge. Cheaters are filth in my book. He is aware of that, too. I hate cheaters. They look you in the eye and lie to you and to everyone. They harm innocent people like the children. I hated being the daughter of a cheater. She and that man sat in front of his wife like nothing was happening. I hated them both for it. ...continue reading "Breaking Trust. Cheaters and Liars."

4

I turned 46 today. I'm not bothered by the age but my heart still desires what it can't have, family connection. Birthday's anymore are difficult. On this day, I feel the ache of not having family to grow old with.

Dr. D and I discussed what it would be like if I had any of my family in my life. The first thing is that they'd refuse to call me by my chosen and now legal name. They'd call me by the name I was given at birth which is totally unacceptable. The second thing is that I'd be asked to accept their reality as opposed to factual reality.

I know all the things that would be emotionally damaging if I were to connect again with my family. We don't have to list them off, I know them. What I can't seem to let go of is the need. I need something from these people that they can't and won't give. I need to belong to a family, without one I feel so ....I feel like I'm just out here floating around. I feel foreign and isolated. I'm a tree without bark, naked. I feel like a woman on an island alone and no one is coming to claim me or take me off this island.

I know this part is morbid but, what family member will claim me at death? Will an abuser come claim my body? How much talk will there be about why this person can't do it and why that person can't do it? Who gets the short end of that stick? ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Skinned. Let her go."

7

As I understand it, there has been an increase in reports of emotional triggers caused by the active abuser known as the 45th President of the United States. His inauguration has increased the stress level of people with depression as well as survivors of abuse. Why? Because his narcissism, public shaming, paranoia and threats, mirror the abuses we suffered.

Donald Trump is controlling, angry, arrogant and verbally abusive. He abuses his power with impunity. Rules don't apply to him.  Like our abusers, he pits one side against another for his selfish gain. He lies and creates situations that keep everyone running in circles then he blames the chaos on us. He says one thing in public but another in private. It is plain for many to see how destructive of a force he is, but just like with many abusers, nothing is being done to remove the threat. As a matter of fact, just like with our abusers, there are those who swear he's a good person and only has the greater good in mind. How could we possibly accuse him of anything other than being a good, hard working family man? Yes, President Donald Trump brings further harm to citizens trying to heal from an abuser like him. ...continue reading "The Mental Health Toll of President Donald Trump"

3

Content: Physical abuse and torture.

It took a bit for Robert to come out and talk to Dr. D. Robert and a little one kept switching places while trying to give away some of the details of what we went through.
Robert: I did all the hard stuff.
Dr. D: What do you mean?
Robert: If it hurt too much for the others then I had to do it.
Dr. D: Do you want to tell me more?
Robert: I want to tell you what she did to us.

I want to tell you what she did to us. That sentence had powerful meaning but I can't seem to explain myself. I've tried for a bit to explain why that sentence is important but I've deleted and started more times than I can count. It was almost like he needed to free himself of it.

I could see myself sitting there. I was squirming, wincing, wringing my hands. I painted as I spoke to him. Painting in session helps me focus better and gives someplace for extra anxiety to go.

In session painting using watercolor.

in session

Robert recounted one of the times the mother beat our lips with a wide tooth comb. She put me across her lap, held on to the handle of the comb and beat my lips.

Side 1 is below. Side 2 isn't complete.

in session

I had to make sure not to open my mouth because she'd hit my teeth and gums or somewhere else on my face. I lay there, in her lap. I wouldn't dare move. I was afraid of her. When she was done I'd get up and go to my room. I don't remember what I'd do after that.

I don't remember why the mother did that to me. She didn't do it often. I don't remember her doing that past the 4th grade.

We talked about a picture I drew that symbolized my mother but I'll have to write about that later. I'm going to sleep now.

I took Earl Grey with lavender to therapy. One time there was a soft scent of lavender that passed in front of my face and sort of got me grounded again. I liked that.

My head hasn't been right for the last few days. I want to suck my thumb. I want to get in the fetal position and cover my head. I want to glide a razor across my skin but I haven't. I've chosen to create instead.

I was able to get the new Abilify script filled and will start it tomorrow morning.

Robert

Dr. D started off the session with, did you know there's going to be an eclipse today? He said, I wanted to let you know because its going to get dark. I didn't want it to catch you by surprise. It would have but I would have figured it out I think, maybe.
Michelle 2:13 pm

We talked about how my sister lived with my friend and her husband only three miles from me. She lived there for a year. A year! We went to the same grocery store but never ran into one another. How is it possible to be that close to me but not see me? Dr. D asked what about this knowledge is so upsetting. It's the magic, ya know, the wand that tosses out fairy dust that makes her see me in a different light. If she could just see me from time to time maybe she wouldn't hate me so much. Its the fantasy of her changing because I need her to.

What a vicious thing to tear family apart by abuse and lies. That is a crime that keeps offending.

We talked about how to move past how I think about my sister, how I think about my needs from her. It all starts with my thinking. If I change my thinking I can change my actions. Maybe I'll stop longing for her so grievously.

First and foremost, I have nothing to prove.
I'm not disgusting or dirty. I've not committed a crime to say the opposite. I don't have to convenience myself of anything. It is well established that I'm lovable. That was one of the biggest and most destructive lies they told. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Prove Yourself"

Content: Self image. Sexual abuse w/ frank speech at times. Discussion of the mother forcing a gender role for the purpose of abuse, hatred of men, degrading women, the mother's sexuality. It's a heavy entry, one difficult to write.

Page 2 of Miss Eyes I Want to Be UsefulWe  started off going over art pieces in my sketchbook. We talked about which color I've used most and changes in how I depict figures. One art piece not posted was drawn to signify how pervasive sexual abuse was in most aspects of my young life.

Dr. D asked why I add heavy markings below the eyes. I said its all about color significance and my own symbolism. (see art therapy gallery) When I put blue under the eyes I'm trying to say that no matter what I'm going through or how negative I feel about myself, I understand on a different level that these thoughts are based on lies.  I'm able to better see that my self image isn't based on reality but abuses as a youth and young adult. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Identity. Gender. The Mother’s Sexuality"

2

He asked about my depression. I was honest. I agreed that I need to find a psychiatrist because the depression isn't something that's getting better. I have days where I don't feel so heavy but this depression isn't getting any better. Where do I find the energy or drive to search for a psychiatrist.

He asked about my eating. I was honest. I'm eating mostly crackers, peanut butter sandwiches and Cheerios. I stay close to bed. He knows it's not like me to neglect hygiene. Even as I type that I'm thinking about going back to sleep.

My leg is back to normal. I see the new doctor the 22nd. Thinking about these appointments I have this month make me want to go back to sleep. It feels so big. I don't want to get to know a new doctor. I don't want to look at this woman and see a look on her face that says she doesn't want to treat me. I don't want the rejection. What if I get there and she says its better for me if I go somewhere else because I need more care than she can give?

The last few years I've had such a hard time with my birthday. It feels like something is slipping away with each birthday. Something? I don't know what, but it hurts. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Crackers and Carrots"

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