Dr. D started off the session with, did you know there's going to be an eclipse today? He said, I wanted to let you know because its going to get dark. I didn't want it to catch you by surprise. It would have but I would have figured it out I think, maybe. Michelle 2:13 pm
We talked about how my sister lived with my friend and her husband only three miles from me. She lived there for a year. A year! We went to the same grocery store but never ran into one another. How is it possible to be that close to me but not see me? Dr. D asked what about this knowledge is so upsetting. It's the magic, ya know, the wand that tosses out fairy dust that makes her see me in a different light. If she could just see me from time to time maybe she wouldn't hate me so much. Its the fantasy of her changing because I need her to.
What a vicious thing to tear family apart by abuse and lies. That is a crime that keeps offending.
We talked about how to move past how I think about my sister, how I think about my needs from her. It all starts with my thinking. If I change my thinking I can change my actions. Maybe I'll stop longing for her so grievously.
First and foremost, I have nothing to prove.
I'm not disgusting or dirty. I've not committed a crime to say the opposite. I don't have to convenience myself of anything. It is well established that I'm lovable. That was one of the biggest and most destructive lies they told. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Prove Yourself"
Content: Self image. Sexual abuse w/ frank speech at times. Discussion of the mother forcing a gender role for the purpose of abuse, hatred of men, degrading women, the mother's sexuality. It's a heavy entry, one difficult to write.
We started off going over art pieces in my sketchbook. We talked about which color I've used most and changes in how I depict figures. One art piece not posted was drawn to signify how pervasive sexual abuse was in most aspects of my young life.
Dr. D asked why I add heavy markings below the eyes. I said its all about color significance and my own symbolism. (see art therapy gallery) When I put blue under the eyes I'm trying to say that no matter what I'm going through or how negative I feel about myself, I understand on a different level that these thoughts are based on lies. I'm able to better see that my self image isn't based on reality but abuses as a youth and young adult. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Identity. Gender. The Mother’s Sexuality"
He asked about my depression. I was honest. I agreed that I need to find a psychiatrist because the depression isn't something that's getting better. I have days where I don't feel so heavy but this depression isn't getting any better. Where do I find the energy or drive to search for a psychiatrist.
He asked about my eating. I was honest. I'm eating mostly crackers, peanut butter sandwiches and Cheerios. I stay close to bed. He knows it's not like me to neglect hygiene. Even as I type that I'm thinking about going back to sleep.
My leg is back to normal. I see the new doctor the 22nd. Thinking about these appointments I have this month make me want to go back to sleep. It feels so big. I don't want to get to know a new doctor. I don't want to look at this woman and see a look on her face that says she doesn't want to treat me. I don't want the rejection. What if I get there and she says its better for me if I go somewhere else because I need more care than she can give?
We talked to him about my aunts going to New York to clean out his apartment. I wonder if they thought to get his personal violin and music sheets.
We talked about my level of depression and the physical toll its taking.
We talked about going two or three days without drinking a cup of tea because I just didn't think to do it. That's like putting my left arm down to my side for days on end because I forgot to use it. Tea is a part of what I do, it's a big comfort for me but it's also used medically. I should drink tea and will as soon as I finish writing. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Violins and Skyscrapers"
Content: Discussion of childhood sexual abuse. Processing a life of lies and abuse that leaves us unable to connect to others. Being raised by a female sadist.
I hung up from my therapy session and tossed it out of my head. These sessions have been too hard to deal with.
The main thing I got from therapy was that I am able to stand back and look at a person's track record and see that person as multidimensional instead of having just one characteristic. The reason that's important is because it makes me better able to see myself as the sum of my experiences without defining myself by just one.
If you ask me, my mother was primarily an abuser. She was a self centered, me first, sadistic abuser. If my mother was an abuser, what does that make me? The immediate answer is, guilty. Was I guilty of being bad and that's why my mother abused me? Can I really back up that claim? Even if my heart fears I am bad, I know for a fact that being abused had nothing to do with who I was as a child or who I am as an adult. My heart can deny that truth but it still stands firm that it was about her needs not my behavior. No matter who was born to that household, they would have been abused. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Wildflowers"
I asked Dr. D that question because I recently saw a show about how damaging it is to children who witness domestic violence. The professional on the show said its damaging emotionally and physically. That lead me to wonder if it's true that it's physically and emotionally damaging for a child to witness the abuse of a sibling. He said yes. I figured it would be emotionally damaging but I wasn't sure how it would be physically damaging. He said it has to do with mind/ body connection. That's when I understood. Ah, okay..now we get back to how PTSD can, will and does ravage the body.
* Emotions involve a chemical reactions that touch almost every part of the body.
* An emotion isn't some random happening that's over as quickly as it occurred.
* There's a trail of chemical reactions long after conscious awareness of the emotion.
Roberts' session contents: Physical torture, her need for humiliation, my need for self harm, an adult grooming young girls
We picked up where we left off Friday when we discussed physical torture and how insane it is to step back and watch that situation. It's got to be hard for anyone to picture a woman with a dowel rod over the body of her child. Despite giving me a few minutes to rest, the whole focus was on her needs. The mother abused us in the presence of others more than once. As I talked to Dr. D I was very dissociative and my words became jumbled. I had to close my eyes to concentrate on each word coming out of my mouth. I made a cup of Chamomile Bloom and was able to relax to an anxiety level of 6 or 8 to continue the session.
In addition to the experiences discussed last week, we talked about how the mother held groups for neighborhood girls. The girls would meet at my mother's house for a night out. There were about 4 other girls in addition to my sister and me. She took us to the skating rink and to the arcade. Before we went we'd gather in the living room waiting for the mother to appear. All the girls chatted but sometimes the mother was in the mood for harm so she'd find some reason to pull me or my sister to the back and beat us with the dowel rod. She'd send us back out to the living room to sit with the girls while we waited for her. The girls were shocked, not sure what to do. She loved to humiliate us. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Robert talks physical torture and emotional control"
This is a whirlwind journal entry, a roller coaster journal entry with a bit of resolution at the end of the second part of it.
The old GP's office called twice today, once this morning and then directly after hanging up from my therapy session. The GP's office wanted to remind me that I am no longer their patient and to say a third time that the script for the muscle relaxer had been denied. This has been well established. Thank you for that.
Then......as soon as my super heavy phone session with Dr. D ended the old GP's office called AGAIN. This time the GP said he was willing to write me a script for 30 pills, not a refill but 10 days worth of medication. I was then told to make it last. "Make it last." ...continue reading "Old GP Calls Twice Today – I’m not your dog"
This is a whirlwind journal entry, a roller coaster journal entry with a bit of resolution at the end of this entry. This first part starts out with me being angry enough to slip in speech just a little bit......
I was ranting to a close friend about the medication I was to 'make last'. It is so offensive. It felt like him saying to me, 'I know this isn't anywhere close to enough. I know you're going to be in pain but here is a tiny, tiny bit of relief.' My pride kicked in. You can not do this to me. I am so angry. How dare you call me twice and rub salt in my wounds? So, while talking to Snow I said, "I know they didn't think I was going to be okay with it!!!!!! I said, you can't toss me scraps and think I'll be okay with it. They've got the wrong nigga for that!!!" .... oh crap........
I have spent the last 5 years doing my utmost to clean up my language. I always worried it would be the F-bomb I'd drop, not the N-word. Right now I'm pushed to the brink. How many times do you need to call me to tell me I can't come back and that you're not giving me refills? The 30 days are up. Why are you calling me? ...continue reading "I’m not your dog"
Comments for this entry have been turned off. Content: Self harm, cutting discussion. Discussion of fear of the police or anyone trying to restrain us. PTSD triggered response if ever handcuffed. Letter to alter personality Robert, feelings of being easily forgotten, ignored when in need, overwhelmed.
We talked about the issue of feeling invisible and that it is important for this vulnerable part of us right now to be seen, not ignored. Though one alter may hold this feeling of being invisible to others, easily looked over, easily forgotten, the truth belongs to the whole of me. In therapy we discussed both the alter that feels this way and the person Faith who feels this way.
Past integration has produced more fluid emotion. Anger issues are included in the 'fluid emotions' category. At times I am able to go from one emotion to the next without switching personalities. That's what's meant by 'fluid emotion'. Even if the emotion is intense or expressed incorrectly I've shown improvement in staying in my core person.