I don't know how to write this entry. I've been trying since yesterday to contain myself enough to take notes from therapy concerning all the suicide triggers of late. Perhaps first I should say I understand the desire to die and I understand what pushes a person to try because I've tried myself, but it doesn't seem to apply with my brother. I can't seem to square it with my brother because he was loved so much but when I was trying to kill myself I wasn't loved abundantly like him. It seems to make a world of difference.
My brother left behind his entire children's orchestra, his family and friends. He was loved very much and so robbing us of himself feels brutally painful.
I'd like to know how he came to the decision that it was ok to leave us behind with few answers to a world of questions? How did he justify leaving us all by suicide? Did he think we'd get over it? If so, he should have left instructions how.
Is love enough to save a life full of physical or emotional pain? Is being cherished and adored enough to keep you alive?
I have a memory that is stuck in my head. It's of him at age three. He's standing at the kitchen sink on a chair washing dishes. He loved doing that. And he turned around and smiled the biggest smile like, look what I'm doing. That smile is burned in my mind. The memory is painful and joyous.
I had hoped he would break away from the family of ours and live a life free of abuses we suffered. I hoped a lot for him. Now he's gone and it's insufferable. The only thing I have left of him now is his toddler's smile.
The nurse visited again to check my lungs which have shown improvement. She wants me to continue the excersizes to strengthen them.
Of course there was an incident with the foot. I was soaking them but didn't realize the water was too hot and burned myself. Oh my gosh! Oh the issues one has when they can't feel part of the body. I'm new at this whole thing but I'll get the hang of it.
During the visit the nurse paid me a wonderful complement. She said she's normally an anxious person but when she comes here she feels very relaxed and can feel stress fall off her. She said the environment is welcoming and that I have a very welcoming spirit. Without knowing, her complement helped to heal over a few weeks of feeling like a bad person for having negative experiences with the nurse's aides (CNAs).
Last Monday's session with Dr D concerning the CNAs was worse than the appointment the Monday before that. It was so bad that I cursed him out. I can't believe that happened, but it did. It did nothing for my argument that I've not contributed to the drama in this house caused solely by some of the the nurse's aides. I could not get him to let go of the ides that it takes two for conflict. Well then conflict isn't the right word, "drama" is!
So the session ended badly then without knowing it, the nurse kind of gave me a complement that reminded me of what others have said. I have a welcoming home and generally a welcoming spirit. However, I can be triggered and pushed too far.... as Dr D found out.
We now have a permanent CNA that seems like she will work out. We're going to miss the last one who didn't get to stay bc she didn't have car insurance to transport us to the doctor and store. This one has everything in order and seems nice. So far she's not treated me like her therapist. She shows up on time and works very well. She's a tad ditzy but hey, ya know, it happens. I do like her.
When I interviewed the new nurse's aide I asked about depression and suicidal ideation. She denied both so she passed that test. In the last month I've dealt with 3 suicidal individuals, so yeah, I flat out asked her mental health status.
I have therapy again Monday afternoon. We'll see how it goes.
I feel like throwing up. I feel like rolling over in the fetal position to cry.
This is the second time the CNA 2 talked to me about homosexuality. The first time I didn't say much. Today she went into detail and told me I look like a "stud". That is not a compliment to a person who is not an stud. She said I "look gay" and that I am not a "girly - girl. " She commented that I don't wear long nails, eyelashes and makeup. I told her I prefer the natural look.
The main difficulty of being called a stud is that it removes my femininity, something I cherish.
As a child, my mother used me as if I was a man. Also, she would say, "Are you gay? Are you a boy? Do you want me to cut your hair?" As early as the second grade she began chipping away at my birth right to be female. She hounded me, always asking if I thought I was a boy. Never did I feel that way, but she did use me that way.
She started the same crap with my brother. She kept asking him if he was gay. The boy was three! Three years old and she was hounding him, too.
Dr D and I talked about how I will need to reason with myself on the matter. When I look in the mirror I don't see anything masculine about me. I don't feel masculine. Whatever is seen by others is not under my control. I can still be comfortable in my skin as a woman and throw off the absurdity from my CNA 2.
I have two CNAs and one nurse. CNA 2 is the one who crossed boundaries today.
Dr D asked if I switch personalities when the cna's are inappropriate. No. I just listen like a good girl, just like when listening to my mother. I give no indication that I'm disturbed and upset. That has changed recently. I tell them when they have crossed the line but I don't show that I'm upset. That's the main thing for me, never give what they're looking for. Never give them a reaction of shock or dismay. I learned that dealing with my mother. She was looking for a reaction so I refused to give her one! I do this w a lot of people now, no physical reaction no matter what!
It was a packed session. We started off talking about what took place in the hospital yesterday. I was given news that should have made me happy but I can't seem to trust it. I'm still 'stage four' Lupus with issues associated with my kidneys and vascular system but the medications are working very well and have stabilized me. I have no new blood clots. I still have a lot of nerve damage but I can walk and that is something they weren't positive would happen. There's still a long way to go with my nerves healing which means I hurt quite a bit, but I am stable and out of the woods.
I told Big E, my Oncologist, that I want to be happy about the news but I'm still shell shocked. I said, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. He said, I know, I was there. When he said that I wanted to cry. I was so happy he said it. He was there, every single solitary day for three months he showed up by my bedside. Week days and weekends Big E was in my room checking on me, three months straight! ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Stability. Forgiveness. Gratitude."
Dr. D and I talked about the CNA that showed up today who was absolutely perfect. It went so well I had to call the supervisor to tell her so. That's when I found out I don't get to keep her but for one more visit. I hate that. The CNA and I also did some much needed organizing of the walk in closet. I so needed that help. You know what she did that felt so good? When it came time for me to soak my foot, she got a wash cloth then got real close to my foot and asked if I wanted her to wash the amputation site. She didn't act disgusted at all. I needed that. I really, really needed that. I didn't let her do it, but the gesture was healing. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: CNA. Butchery. DID."
In my therapy session today we talked about the dream I had just before he called. In the dream I was 47 but in the 2nd grade. I sat as an adult in South Korea with second grade children in class. The teacher taught evolution but one student spoke up to the teacher and class about why Jehovah's Witnesses believe in Creation. I offered a few supporting comments but it was hard to concentrate because the stereotypical shoes they gave me to wear were a podiatry nightmare. You could tell the American students from others because we were hopping like bunnies in the shoes. (hey don't judge lol lol it was just a dream. lol)
In a different dream I was sleeping next to my mother in bed as an adult. The bed was out in the open, in the middle of a town fair. There was a band, baton girls, food stalls and of course football because this is after all the Midwest. So we were sleeping on her stripped bed, nothing but a mattress. It was the same mattress from my childhood that she abused my family on. So she and I slept. My back was to her when she put her arm around me in a very loving, motherly way. I wanted it to be safe and allowed it. Finally I relaxed enough to feel a mother-daughter connection with her. It felt good. Then she realized she was cold because I hogged all the covers. ...continue reading "Therapy Review : Love Me"
A man kept a house with several women tied up with chains. Some he broke so that they didn't try to run. He kept a lion that he fed live humans. It was the largest beast I'd ever seen.
I and another woman were caught as prey. We were in a container waiting to be eaten but I saw a way out and took it. As I escaped the grounds, the Master of the house attempted to stop me. He was furious that I tried to get away. How dare I get so far away from his traps, from his control. He was angry, offended and really wanted to the mastery over me, to throw me to the lion. I was getting away until the Mistress of the house emerged and demanded I return inside. She told me I had to go inside, I had to listen to her. The Master couldn't believe his fortune, that I'd escape the property only to willingly return at the voice of a dominate woman. He was so excited he could hardly contain himself. I woke before reentering the house.
Dr D and I discussed the dream in session today. We talked about how it feels like the Mistress is more my situation than a specific person. The Lion is the beast I face. I'm not always strong so I'm the broken woman who won't run, the new captive not yet broken and the spirit that'll find a way out. But when it's all said and done, I still have to face the Lion in yet another surgery. I'm torn and will be torn more. Parts of me are gone that I can't get back no matter who I out smart or out run. ...continue reading "DREAM : The Mouth of Lions"
Dr. D and I discussed a situation with my sister that came up that required I stick to my boundaries, as hard as it is to do.
Despite my mother having gainful employment, we spent a lot of time living in the car. I have slept with frost over me, slept on the wet street and in the sweltering night. Homelessness for me is a huge trigger. It makes me recoil, makes my mind want to run and never think about the horrors of it, the way it strips you of dignity and humanity. The way people hate you, judge you and look down on you. Routine homelessness in my childhood and young adult life with my mother, has left a scar that opens into a wound during the winter time.
When I'm cold I can't breathe because I can see myself lying under a blanket in a broken down RV with no electricity, no water, no heat, no lock on the door. I could see my own breath, see the frost build up on my blanket and hear my sister cry curled up beside me. We were so close to one another I couldn't breathe. There with us should have been my teddy bear, the last possession I owned, but it was lost in the car we'd slept in that ended up being stolen. Homelessness is a horrible trauma I wish on no one at all, so why have I refuse to offer my home to my sister in need? ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Hard Choices and Boundaries with Family"
I didn't have therapy today. I was in the hospital most of the day because of a complication with shingles. A friend of mine said, "What next?" I wanted to break her neck for saying it.
I didn't think I would get to talk to Dr. D before I went in which was terribly upsetting. When he did call, which was just as I was walking out the door, he ended up talking to one of my child personalities who was panicked. We were so afraid we'd not get to hear from him or have that support which we badly needed. For a few minutes he reassured her that he wasn't mad we couldn't be there and that he thought we should go in just as our doctor suggested.
I've just sort of swallowed the emotion associated with the issue. I'm a tad worn out so I've not allowed myself to feel the weight of it. Shingles hurt but there's an emotional side to it, too. That I've put off because my plate is too full to feel it. ...continue reading "On Shingles and Angels"
I read to him the entry I wrote about being angry with him. I then assured him I will not lie to him about feeling suicidal or depressed. I need to trust him and he needs to trust me.
I cried from open to close of the session. It's been a hard day physically and emotionally. I had to take pain medication because of spasms in my legs and stomach. I tried to manage as long as I could without pain meds but after a bit it's reasonable to take a dose to ease things up. I also took some of my Passion Flower tincture to help ease anxiety associated with pain. I'm surprised I was able to stay awake for the session. ...continue reading "Therapy review: What I need to hear"