I turned 46 today. I'm not bothered by the age but my heart still desires what it can't have, family connection. Birthday's anymore are difficult. On this day, I feel the ache of not having family to grow old with.
Dr. D and I discussed what it would be like if I had any of my family in my life. The first thing is that they'd refuse to call me by my chosen and now legal name. They'd call me by the name I was given at birth which is totally unacceptable. The second thing is that I'd be asked to accept their reality as opposed to factual reality.
I know all the things that would be emotionally damaging if I were to connect again with my family. We don't have to list them off, I know them. What I can't seem to let go of is the need. I need something from these people that they can't and won't give. I need to belong to a family, without one I feel so ....I feel like I'm just out here floating around. I feel foreign and isolated. I'm a tree without bark, naked. I feel like a woman on an island alone and no one is coming to claim me or take me off this island.
I know this part is morbid but, what family member will claim me at death? Will an abuser come claim my body? How much talk will there be about why this person can't do it and why that person can't do it? Who gets the short end of that stick? ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Skinned. Let her go."