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I asked the physical therapist how I'll learn to walk if I can't feel my legs. He said I'd be taught to walk in front of a mirror so I can see my legs and make the mental connection to move them.

He went all over the legs and said the correct muscles work and that I'd have to retrain my brain signals to move my legs. He said, in time, up to 2 years, I'll go from the bed to the chair, a walker then walking on my own. Of course my head got tripped up by 2 years but the bottom line is that my walking prognosis is positive.

Despite being oxygen depleted from the waste down w collapsed veins from the hip down, and the blood clot on my heart, they feel I'll make a full recovery and enjoy a strong quality of life. ...continue reading "The Hemoglobin Nightmare"

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I've been in ICU for 7 days now. Hard time. Pulmonary Embolism and active blood clots, plural, in both legs. Painful. Can't walk or feel a large portion of my legs. I'll be in the hospital for a bit over all.

Clyde is doing very well, much better than expected. He's not just stable but having fun. Awesome.

I'm no longer sleeping the way I was and the med side effects are starting to get better.

I got what I asked for, a reprieve from menopausal symptoms while managing shingles. I should see a start up of symptoms in the next few days but I did get almost two weeks of relief that I so very much needed. The Black Cohosh has been increased a third time with the hope that there will be less depression and more functionality. Anxiety related to PTSD has been through the roof but the other stuff is calming down.

Faith

 

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The Pages Were All WrongDr. D and I discussed a situation with my sister that came up that required I stick to my boundaries, as hard as it is to do.

Despite my mother having gainful employment, we spent a lot of time living in the car. I have slept with frost over me, slept on the wet street and in the sweltering night. Homelessness for me is a huge trigger. It makes me recoil, makes my mind want to run and never think about the horrors of it, the way it strips you of dignity and humanity. The way people hate you, judge you and look down on you. Routine homelessness in my childhood and young adult life with my mother, has left a scar that opens into a wound during the winter time.

When I'm cold I can't breathe because I can see myself lying under a blanket in a broken down RV with no electricity, no water, no heat, no lock on the door. I could see my own breath, see the frost build up on my blanket and hear my sister cry curled up beside me. We were so close to one another I couldn't breathe. There with us should have been my teddy bear, the last possession I owned, but it was lost in the car we'd slept in that ended up being stolen. Homelessness is a horrible trauma I wish on no one at all, so why have I refuse to offer my home to my sister in need? ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Hard Choices and Boundaries with Family"

Jordan's RiverAfter reading an entry about generations who didn't understand that they had been victimized, I was reminded of an old poem. Though not my best writing, it describes the 'good old days' when people didn't rock the boat, they just accepted their circumstances, their community guidelines and gender roles. And some didn't realize they were being conditioned to be a passive part of society.

I read an entry about three generations of women who didn't realize they had been violated in some way. What I read made me want to jump in the room of that situation and go, "Can't you hear yourself? Don't you understand you're describing a violation of your person?" But I wasn't there to say that. I read on, shocked, horrified and saddened for the individuals who live veiled by decades of community conditioning. ...continue reading "#Metoo and You Should Too"

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There's decent news to share in the way of an update I had this rash situation for 2 weeks, but w Lupus I didn't panic because Lupus throws rashes at you all the time. I'd been putting my thieves oil on it but it did nothing for the pain. That's why I went to the doctor, terrible pain. That's when I was told I have shingles.  Friday's appointment also told me I'm 2 weeks in to a 3 to 5 week endurance race. It hurts something fierce but I'm almost at half point when the virus will be shut down, dormant or whatever you want to call it. That's decent news. I'm not at the beginning and I'm no longer contagious.

I'll be on meds a bit longer and see my doc in 2 weeks.

List of foods not to eat when you have Shingles.
Did you know you're not supposed to eat chocolate when you have shingles? What? What kind of horrific disease do you have to have, to be told you can't eat chocolate? I mean seriously? It's insult to injury. If they'd said you can't have tea I would have laughed out loud. ...continue reading "Shingles: Decent news on Friday"

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I would say I've hit a rough patch but this is no patch, this is a field. Now I have to figure out how I'm going to traverse this ground with its pits and stones.

Today has been difficult but quiet, manageable. Anxiety is high, still, and my body hurts from head to toe. That's nothing new. Pain is as common as flowers. I feel it everywhere I turn but, being a few days out of the thick of depression means I see a little light ahead.

What a nightmare it's been. Today isn't. Today has been difficult but manageable. Yeah, I'm in my field of "flowers" and I'm a bit worn down, but I'm still here. I made it. I made it through that cycle of depression.

Faith

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I didn't have therapy today. I was in the hospital most of the day because of a complication with shingles. A friend of mine said, "What next?" I wanted to break her neck for saying it.

I didn't think I would get to talk to Dr. D before I went in which was terribly upsetting. When he did call, which was just as I was walking out the door, he ended up talking to one of my child personalities who was panicked. We were so afraid we'd not get to hear from him or have that support which we badly needed. For a few minutes he reassured her that he wasn't mad we couldn't be there and that he thought we should go in just as our doctor suggested.

I've just sort of swallowed the emotion associated with the issue. I'm a tad worn out so I've not allowed myself to feel the weight of it. Shingles hurt but there's an emotional side to it, too. That I've put off because my plate is too full to feel it.  ...continue reading "On Shingles and Angels"

Broken Faces A lot of tea sipping, a lot of sleep, that's what's been going on over here.

Anxiety is very high as are my pain levels. I've got an open sore on my leg that hasn't healed in three weeks times so I have to get more treatment for it. That doesn't worry me though maybe it should. It's just that I've not been given any kind of off colored diagnosis so I'm like, it is what it is. I have Lupus, I don't heal well. It takes weeks to heal a simple wound. It would be nice if it didn't hurt so much but like I said, at this point it's just taking its own sweet time healing and hasn't morphed into something else. ...continue reading "Cuppa. Sleep. Work. I’m Better."

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I read to him the entry I wrote about being angry with him. I then assured him I will not lie to him about feeling suicidal or depressed. I need to trust him and he needs to trust me.

I cried from open to close of the session. It's been a hard day physically and emotionally. I had to take pain medication because of spasms in my legs and stomach. I tried to manage as long as I could without pain meds but after a bit it's reasonable to take a dose to ease things up. I also took some of my Passion Flower tincture to help ease anxiety associated with pain. I'm surprised I was able to stay awake for the session. ...continue reading "Therapy review: What I need to hear"

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