Published on
February 8, 2010 in
Anger, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Mental Health, PTSD, Therapy and Trust.
Tags: crayon and marker, mixed media.
There’s too much in these paintings to try and explain everything. I think the 
overall theme is anxiety, rage and grief.
When Dr. D saw this one here he didn’t notice at firs that it’s a human head vomiting up flowers. The head is tilted back and is strangled by a golden rope as flowers “grow” from it’s open, strained mouth. He said it’s disturbing but very well describes how hard it can be to manage what I feel. He said to keep writing, keep drawing what’s in my head and dreams because the work will pay off in healing. God, I hope so. I’d like to try and do a digital version of Flower Pot. I like that it expresses the feeling of being overwhelmed in an accurate but grotesque way. Grotesque is important since there’s nothing comfortable at all about how I’m feeling.
My therapist and I discussed the hanging people. I tried to explain to him that they aren’t suicide gestures but an illustration of how overwhelming emotion can be sometimes. My thoughts and emotions sometimes feel so powerful that it feels as if they could kill me. This is not me hanging but emotions strangling me. One of the things we talked about too is how the figure has evolved from a simple dress-like figure to one with hands and feet to one with distinctive clothing. I commented that perhaps the emotions are getting a little clearer and less generalized. I hope that’s the case. I hope things get clearer in my head.
Continue reading ‘Flowering’
***comments are off***
It doesn’t make sense to me. I’m annoyed, angered, exhausted by the whole thing. I also know there’s no way on earth I’m going to be okay with starting over not when I fear being tossed aside again when the wind blows slightly off course. That pisses me off, it does, to feel thrown away over the …..(no more editing my thoughts) I feel thrown away over the most stupid, minor bull shit of which only half was my fault. I just want to scream, we aren’t in a fucking fairy tale, guess who screws up? Yup everybody and I figure unless there is some huge crime committed that can’t be resolved then one shouldn’t have running away at the top of their list of ways to resolve issues. It pisses me off that….it’s wrong is all. It’s totally wrong. Because there’s an issue or two it doesn’t mean someone has to leave but I’ll be damned if that isn’t exactly what happened. So yeah, I’m frustrated, I’m angry and maybe even a little bit bitter.
Continue reading ‘Make It Go Away’
(Gratitude Entry-The Good Stuff)
The other day at therapy an elderly woman said to her husband, “It’s too much. It’s just too much.” Her husband held her hand and said, “I understand you’re afraid.” It was one of the most tender moments I’ve witnessed in a very long time.
A young black boy still bandaged up from his Cochlear implant surgery walked down the isles of Wal-mart with his older brother. It was obvious the older brother was very protective of him but he smiled when a young white boy signed to his little brother from across the way.
There was the tiniest little girl slumped over in a chair sleeping while dressed in her over stuffed pink snowsuit. Her little snore sounded like a kitten’s purr. It was the sweetest thing ever. She was so tiny. A lady in the waiting room asked her mother, “Where can I get one of those?” I think most stores are sold out of Pink Purring Girls but the shelves are fully stocked with Tickle Me Elmo.
Big, beautiful snowflakes have fallen since early this morning. It’s cold outside but undeniably beautiful.
I sometimes think to myself, God must be one proud Artist. He sure knows how to paint the best pictures. No wonder he looked down and saw that it was good.
J of A
Published on
February 5, 2010 in
Medical.
Sleep, sleep, sleep, take meds, sleep more, get up and try to eat. Sleep, get on Facebook, sleep, take care of the critters and sleep some more. Take more meds, eat, sleep a tad bit more, check Facebook and email before sleeping again. These flair ups are kicking my butt royally. I’m so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open.
Wednesday I got out of therapy around 4pm but didn’t get home until 9:30PM because I had to pull over and sleep. The fatigue this time around is no joke!
Flair ups for me seem to get longer and longer. The last one lasted about 3 months with a break of about 2 months. I made it through most of this winter half ways okay. I suppose now is my time to crash and burn. I am truly down for the count.
I’ll update when ever. Who knows…..no clue, none at all. Right now I’m heading back to bed.
fma
The first few years when I celebrated my day of independence it was solemn, almost frightening at times. In later years I was nearly in party mode with excitement about how much more life I had left. It’s true, with each passing anniversary it’s significance impacts me differently, in a more profound way than words can explain.
This anniversary I was in the middle of a flair up which meant my skirt didn’t get finished and I didn’t feel like getting dress up. At one point during the day I needed to take a nap due to fatigue which is common with Lupus. I later got up, grabbed a cup of coffee and cleaned the house. I moved about the day doing regular, everyday life things but I did it with satisfaction. “Just because” it was my anniversary it didn’t mean the world was going to stop or that my responsibilities would disappear. As a matter of fact those responsibilities made the day even better because they’re part of the life I have now, the life separate from my abuser and her family. While caring for the aquarium isn’t something someone would do on a day of celebration it is a task one takes on during a real day with other real life happenings. Caring for the aquarium is something I enjoy doing as is doting on my furry creature family. It makes me happy to care for them so to do it on this day felt right, natural.
Continue reading ‘Ordinary Can Be Extraordinary’
The question has arisen: It’s been eighteen years, does it still feel the same as when you first started observing this day? Answer: No, it feels better each year.
So why do I observe February 2nd of each year? I observe it because I made it out of there. I lived through it and went on to work towards thriving. Too many survivors didn’t make it out alive or made it out with scars that left them without human compassion or the ability to connect to any living thing. I made it out with my heart which seemed impossible to do under the circumstances. Another reason I observe this day is that too many, way too survivors died without us knowing their name, without us knowing their struggles so I take a moment each February 2nd to honor them.
Each year that passes that I stay away from that family I say loud and clear, “It’s over. You can’t hurt me anymore.” Each year that passes I get stronger and stronger and the resolve is harder to break. February 2nd is a moment of pride because I managed something I was never prepared for. I managed something I was told I could never do but here I am, 18 years later living.
Continue reading ‘I’m doing this for me’
Published on
February 1, 2010 in
Soapbox.
I wonder what commercials will be aired during the Super Bowl this year. I mean, it seems lately commercials fall into 3 categories: political, pharmaceutical and please give to this or that cause. How on earth will they work those subjects into a SB commercial? Surely Cialis and Viagra will go over big during half time. We shall all dance to the newest Viagra tune or sit together in bath tubs until the time is right for Cialis. But how will they work in political commercials and causes?
Vote for this or that. This candidate is a liar and a dirty politician. Tell your congressman you want…..!!!!! Let your voice be heard. You deserve….blah, blah, blah, blah..somebody get me a drink.
If you or someone you love took this or that medication and suffered a stroke, heart attack, Tardive dyskinesia or chronic gas or an erection lasting longer than 4 hours please call the law offices of Flatulent and Flanker.
Continue reading ‘Commercial Break- No Punches Pulled’
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