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I was on my way home from therapy and in decent shape. I wasn’t overly dissociative nor was I overly stressed so I figured I’d stop off at DAV because after all it was dollar Monday. I wondered what sort of treasures I might find. Since I forgot my wallet at home I abandoned my treasure hunt and headed straight home. Before I could get home I’d have to cross the railroad tracks. I could see up ahead the red lights flashing warning of a coming train so I slowed my speed appropriately. I was breathing slowly, almost in a content sort of way. Normally one would desire that but in no way were my thoughts peaceful or joyful. I pulled off to the side in the parking lot of a paint supply store and got out of the car. I lit a cigarette and let the train pass by. After it was no where in sight I got back in my car and went home, alive.
Continue reading ‘On The Railraod Tracks’
I finally made something. Go check it out. Three Oceans, Three Pearls.
I purchased some clay the other day and made a few small pieces for my home. It was a nice self esteem boost just to be able to finish it. Argh! I tell ya, this whole dry spell is killing me.
When I made them I was rather relaxed, comfortable. It’s the first time since high school I’ve had clay in my hands (20 years ago) so I was certainly back to square one but man was it fun. I like the idea of clay as use for help with arthritis in my hands but I don’t like the way polymer clay feels. To get the final desired texture I went ahead and put an adobe clay overlay on each piece because I just don’t like the way polymer clay feels when it’s baked and dried. I think I’ll have to see about working with a more grainy, earthy clay with a solid, heavier feel to it. The small ball I have left I’ll keep for use to build hand strength but in the future (hopefully the near future) I’ll get a hold of a clay material I actually want to do a real piece with.
So, I finally got something done. Yay for me!
Continue reading ‘Books and Art’
I have to wonder what on earth I’m doing? I mean really, am I just totally off my rocker or am I in a space now where I can venture out and not feel like I’m going to crash and burn? For me to even consider walking down this road says to me I’ve made a tad bit of progress in my healing.
I’ve said repeatedly that I can’t date a black girl because it’s too triggering. I’ve said that I like black women a lot (ooooo chocolate) but when I see them I think of my mother and it frightens me. At this point when I look at her I don’t think of my mother. When I see a mutual friend of ours I see my mother but not when I look at her. I guess my concern is that if this grows into anything and there’s sexual contact I’ll end up freaking out.
Continue reading ‘Trust The Moment’
I’m not sure why it makes me sad but it does. I’ve seen her several times and had lunch with her a few times at the University. I guess to get a letter from her via email today was more moving than I expected it to be. I literally brought me to tears.
Today I slept through therapy. I went to bed earlier than usual but wasn’t able to sleep due to extreme pain. I finally fell asleep around 9am and slept until 4:45PM. I woke when the phone rang. It was a friend calling to tell me she missed me a lot and that she loves me. She said she’d been thinking about me. It was hard to hear anyone’s voice at all because I just woke from a bad dream. I called my therapist to tell him I was sorry I missed my appointment. He wasn’t available. I’ll see him on Monday.
Continue reading ‘I remember too’
I’ll be writing a letter to:
Web18 Software Services Limited
New Era House, Mogul Lane, Matunga (W)
Mumbai – 400016, Phone: 6618 4400
Yes, Mumbai. I have to deal with the same man who insists upon snatching my artwork and publishing it in a series of online magazines. It is sad when people will not work for a living but instead snatch the work of others and claim it as their own.
Continue reading ‘Copyright Violation AGAIN’
I’ve mentioned that I’m in a creative rut right now and that my artistic well is pretty much dried up. I also said that my self esteem is a huge block for me right now. I decided to write a few thoughts about painting, sewing and other forms of creativity.
When I paint or draw I am at my freest. I have few inhibitions and will take color and composition risks. I take risks in art but avoid them in real life. Man I’m not a risk taker, sheshh but in art work I’ll cross lines I was taught to observe and do it with no real concern as to if it turns out good or not. I mostly enjoy the journey but in real life I avoid risks like the plague.
Right now I feel bound and blinded by self doubt. I’ve painted for too long to say “I can’t.” Self criticism prevents me from seeing that I can. When my sight is limited progress suffers. Nothing gets out or in, including creativity.
Continue reading ‘Blinded’
- I hope to one day accept success the way I do failure.
- I hope one day I’ll be able to take a few risks and not plan my every step.
- I hope I won’t feel physical pain to this degree for the rest of my life.
- I hope to feel clean when I step out of the shower.
- I hope for a shower where no tears are shed.
- I hope to walk with my head up because I mean it not because that’s what I was trained to do.
- I hope to one day wake up happy with someone I’ve slept beside for years and years.
- I hope to feel comfortable in my own skin
- To feel safe with being loved
- and to love myself the way I love my neighbors.
I hope, because lack of hope is terminal.
Continue reading ‘The Hope Agenda’
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