The Rules of War and Peace

Published on January 28, 2012 in Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Fear, Letters Home, Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 0 Comments Tags: , .

The very first thing I do when there’s a new relationship is think to myself: how can I get out of this? Where is my exit?

I need to feel in control by serving. That sounds so strange but really, if I provide everything….food, comfort, clean clothing, a clean house, affection, etc, etc am I not in control? It’s also a set up because when things go south trust me, you’ll hear about how I did everything and got treated like shit. I cooked, cleaned, kept that house running and still got treated like shit. It’s a set up. I’m telling you, I’m not the person to go out with. I go in looking for a way out and I go in setting you up to fail!

At this time I’m not capable of truly loving you but I am capable of being co-dependent.

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Smoke and Mirrors

Published on January 27, 2012 in Anger, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Dehumanize, Emotions, Fear, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments

After writing my last entry and quoting my mother as saying, “Would Mommy approve?” I got a bit irritated (?) so I ended up working off that emotion by writing.

My mother refused to allow us to call her anything but mommy or by her nickname given to her by my father. As an older teen I hated calling her mommy. As I type the word my nose is turned up like it’s the most disgusting word in the world. It feels as if she kept me “little” by using that word. Oh man I can’t explain how disgusted I am by that word. It’s just that she forced it. We had to call her that and she would tell people we called her that. My girls are such and such of age and still call me mommy. Of course we did, it was a requirement. It was a requirement the same as saying Yes Ma’am and No Ma’am. I have no objection to using those terms of respect. As a matter of fact I still say them, it’s just that hearing myself say it to her makes me sick.

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J is For Joan

Published on January 26, 2012 in Art, Art Therapy, Emotional abuse, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments

Dr. D: When you get into situations like that ask yourself, “What would Joan do?”
Me: Maybe I should get a WWJD bracelet.

When he suggested I ask what Joan would do he couldn’t see the …contempt …the utter disgust on my face at the thought of it. OF COURSE a mother issue is involved because the woman actually said to me, “See me in your head and ask yourself, “Would mommy approve?” I will no longer gauge my behavior based on some human figure lurking behind me, over me, scrutinizing my every move.

When I was a child and even now I can picture my mother’s face right over my shoulder. She’s deadpan, as usual so I can’t tell if she approves or disapproves. It was a guessing game to figure out what was acceptable to her.

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Talking to People

Published on January 25, 2012 in Anxiety, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions and Morton's Pride. 0 Comments

Lets say a race car is built, the number 24 is painted on the side. There will be lettering that says DuPont and Hendricks Motorsports.  Instead of Jeff Gordon climbing behind the wheel, the crew chief turns and hands the keys to me. That’s what it feels like just happened. I feel like I’ve been put in the drivers seat with no clue how to drive safely at this pace.

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Art Therapy: Changes in Black and White

Published on January 20, 2012 in Anxiety, Art, Art Therapy, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Female Sadist, PTSD, Secrets and Confessions and Therapy. 1 Comment

I wasn’t feeling all that calm or collected at the time of these particular drawings which were done with an ink pen or black gel pen.

When I first moved here I thought to myself, my goodness, I’ve gone from the pan into the fire. For a minute that might have been true but its far from true now. For just a moment it was rough.

At first I decided not to do any more end of life foster care for animals or feed newborns. I figured it might be okay to babysit from time to time but I’ll limit that as well. I briefly did foster care for a 15 year old male tabby. His photo is among the sketches. Seeing that boy roll around in catnip was priceless!!! Ever seen an old cat drop about 14.5 years in a few minutes? Yeah, that was pretty awesome.

Some of my issues are the same, which I expected. I expected anxiety and stuff like that but I never expected to end up at my going to my mother’s house.  That blew me away.

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Art Therapy sketches, paintings, etc

Published on January 20, 2012 in Art, Art Therapy and Therapy. 0 Comments

I did a lot of painting, writing and sketching while off line. I won’t even bother to explain them. I just want to make sure I get them up here so I know where they are.

fma

 

A Face To My Anger Pt1

Published on January 19, 2012 in Anger, Emotions, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments

One of the reasons I really like having speaking engagements, interviews and the like is because I often get asked a question that really makes me think. One question asked by a student at a local college has stuck with me since the day she asked it. I wrote one entry and touched on it but the question has been in the back of my mind because I’m not certain I entirely answered it. I may not see that young lady again and she may never get to hear my answer nor may she ever understand the importance of her asking it.

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