Sundrip Journals
Been there. Done that. Want to do it again.
Pelican at Gulf of Mexico
credits: Webshots
As I sat at the end of the dock at the Gulf of Mexico a large brown pelican decided to sit right next to me and share the view. It was an awesome, unforgettable experience.
I’ve done this too and don’t ever want to do it again.
credits: Awkward Family Photos
fma
The question was put to me, “I understand hypervigilance was imperative as a child and in early adulthood years but do you think its productive now? Do you need this much awareness in your life now?” My answer was this, “Yes. As long as she’s alive I need it. As long as she’s breathing she’s a threat to me.”
I figure this woman is going to linger on cause most evil people do. She’s only 62 which means she’ll be around for a bit. That young plus a black heart means she’ll take forever and a day before freeing the world of her presence. I believe then and only then will I believe I’m safe. Then and only then will I be sure I won’t run into her on the street or fear she’s standing in my bedroom doorway watching me. She won’t show up on my doorstep like last Christmas. In death she can’t physically hit me or break me with a word. Yeah, I’m still scared to death of her and with good cause.
In last night’s dream the police were attempting to catch a woman who murdered hundreds of 6 and 7 year old Caucasian boys by cutting off their penis. She gave them chocolate bars to eat and when their faces were full and sweet she killed them and left them on the floor like garbage. She photographed them and sent them to other pedophiles who also like snuff. The police raided a woman’s house and found a folder with a huge collection of these photos. She was held for questioning then accused of killing the boys. I asked the officer what proof he had that she killed them? If she was going to prison I wanted to know what proof there was to send her there. He said, “What proof is there she didn’t do it?”
The photos were graphic, clear and many.
The officer handcuffed the woman and walked her down the hallway to the cruiser where she as to be taken to jail. As we walked I argued with him, “What proof is there that she’d done this?” “What proof is there that she didn’t do it?” Back and forth we went. I argued for her, he argued against her. Our argument was as if we’d both forgotten she was guilty of child pornography and hiding numerous homicides and focused solely on if she’d killed the boys herself. I saw her as innocent because there was no proof she’d killed those boys. The officer saw her as guilty because there was no proof for her innocence or guilt so he chose which one she was.
Sometimes it feels safer to sit on the floor. I want to turn out the lights, tuck my head and focus solely on my sketchbook. I sketch or paint int he dark a lot but I can’t seem to let myself sit on the floor. I worry I’ll get lost in my head. I worry as soon as I sit down there I’ll dissociate and retreat inside. Instead of going in the living room to sketch I just keep clicking next on the Stumble Upon site. I visit about a third of the history, arts and science sites. I’m not bored. I’m anxious and I’m running.
Dr. D said when I run I don’t allow myself to “just be”. He called it mindfulness. I call it opening the flood gates to “just be” attacked by what has me in flight in the first place. I know it would help to process it and stop running so why don’t I do that? Cause it hurts.
My mind goes too fast but not fast enough to get away from itself.
Ugly Sticks are sort of like the perfect sidekicks to have with you at all times in the Uglyverse. They are there for you. Feeling sad? Ugly Sticks will knock that right out of you. POW! Happy now? No wait… Feeling really Ugly? GOOD! Ugly means UNIQUE! Anyone can retouch a photo to look beautiful but you can’t fake Ugly! Celebrate how truly UGLY you really are with Ugly Stick and show us what you’ve got!
Absolutely true! This is the description for a doll I think is adorable. Her name is Fea Bea and she’s by Uglydolls.com. Ugly dolls remind me of what Sesame Street started out trying to accomplish. They wanted to show the beauty of being unique but then they got caught in the trap of political correctness mixed with some serious errors in judgment. I’m still a huge fan of Bert and Ernie, particularly Ernie and his little rubber ducky.
Austin
Farrah Fawcett died today. If you get a chance to see her video commentary on living with cancer take it. The documentary isn’t of a star suffering but of a human being once thought to be exceptionally beautiful fighting a terrible disease.
We know too that Ed McMahon passed Tuesday. He will certainly be missed by many.
In better news Michael Jackson died today at age 50 of a heart attack. Why is it a good thing that he’s no longer with us? Because the King of Pop was also a pedophile. I shall not mourn. It also bothers me that Ferrah Fawcett got second billing to a pedophile. He pretty much stole the show, again.
Austin
I hate mice. Last night at the restaurant there was a mouse. Freaked me out bad! I left, just got up and left. I panicked big time and wanted to walk home… the whole 2 miles there. Uh, huh like that was going to happen but try telling that to a 5 year old alter dead set on getting away from the building with a mouse in it. It was dark too and the way home isn’t lit every well so it could have been bad had she tried to walk home. We got her calmed down, my friend came out of the restaurant and we drove home. She stayed for a tad bit after we got here (majorly helpful) and then went home. Today I saw a mouse at home. I’m not a happy camper.
I’m angry about everything… not everything, mainly about this house and how it looks.
Every time I go into the kitchen I’m pissed because of how bad it is in there and in the dining room. I took a video of the house to bring in to Dr. D today. He was shocked and said the house is out of control. I told him I’m desperately trying to get a hold of a dorm fridge so that I can put it back here and not have to go out there as much. I have cooking stuff back here. I just need a dorm fridge or something small like that. I’ve been looking on Freecycle.org (I don’t do Craigslist) but so far nothing. I think I’m going to have to go with a new one which is going to hurt like hell financially. I’ve been looking around for a place. The plan is to move but it’s not going to happen that fast.
DREAM:
A baby elephant was trying to lay on me while I took a nap with my sister on my mother’s mattress. The sister was sleeping but the elephant wanted to play with her. I tried to pet his trunk and distract him from bothering her. I worried he’d become angry and bite her or me. I was quite nervous with him standing over me that way. Then he layed down. My mother got up from the mattress on the floor to take photos of the happenings. The baby elephant then layed down beside me and tried to roll over on me playfully. I thought he was trying to crush me to kill me but the mother assured me he was just playing.
COMMENTARY:
Elephant – To dream of an elephant symbolizes that while you portray yourself as being thick skinned, you are in reality a very sensitive person. It means this as elephants are pachyderms, which means thick-skinned animals. However, though tough, an elephant’s skin is very sensitive and must be cared for.
From the Aisling Dream Dictionary.
It’s TV night which means special dessert night as I watch Harper’s Island. I must have goo while watching soft gore. Because I didn’t want to bake chocolate chip cookies so I could duplicate last weeks dessert I decided I’d go pick up some cookie dough. I was feeling so lazy that I went ahead and got precut dough. I didn’t even feel like slicing it. I wanted precut. Now that’s lazy. I figured all I had to do was open the package, pop them on a pan and bake them. If only it could be that simple. I’ll be danged if Nestle Toll House cookies weren’t recalled yesterday. Now I’m forced to return the item to the store notorious for recalls and actually bake. Kroger grocery store is forever recalling something. They even started listing on your receipt past purchases that end up on the FDA’s recall list. Now that’s bad.
I wanted dessert and TV not dessert, TV and E. coli.
This is from the FDA website concerning E. coli symptoms:
E. coli O157:H7 causes abdominal cramping, vomiting and a diarrhea illness, often with bloody stools. Most healthy adults can recover completely within a week. Young children and the elderly are at highest risk for developing HUS, which can lead to serious kidney damage and even death.
According to this time frame I’d be healthy by next week, right on time to again watch Harper’s Island. At least I wouldn’t miss my show. Jimmy’s the killer, I just know it.
Austin
Today I’m going to put away the colored pencils and art supplies, turn off the TV and read a good book. I haven’t decided which book to read yet. I have quite a few to choose from. I don’t think I want a classic, I think I’ll go for something modern, something I’ve read before so I don’t have any major surprises. Today I’m going to start some tea, grab my throw and lose myself in a book.
until again,
Austin
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