Sundrip Journals
Wednesday, September 1st, 2010 notes read in therapy
***comments are closed. this is for my personal reference.***
Sodomy hurts but at least I didn’t have to see her face. At least she wasn’t looking me dead in the eye searching for a reaction. I could hear her but I couldn’t see her and she didn’t have a clear view of my face.
Gus,
I’m not angry with you, its not you I promise. I’m angry with everything around me. I’m trying my best to be a good mama but it’s not working and I’m sorry. Sometimes I think to myself, I wish I’d never brought you home. I wish someone would come and take you out of my house and give me my perfect dog back, the one who died shortly before you arrived. My anger has nothing to do with you, nothing at all. I promise it’s not you.
Mary Jane,
My poor yard is so dead. August 2010 is the driest month on record for all of Indiana’s history and my yard is good and dead as proof.
From time to time I log on the net and see something that touches home and is right on time for me. Such a thing too place the other day on Redbubble when I stumbled across a painting by Kit Scott who wrote the following beside her painting called Sun and Shadow:
Ever stop looking into the future, so overwhelmed by the present or past you couldn’t deal with possibilities, too?
I have. When you take back your life, when you turn to the horizon, it is terrible and it is beautiful, and it is worth the fear to have the possibilities again.
Sun and Shadow by Kit Scott
I would cheapen the painting and her words by saying any more. Thank you Kit for permission to post your painting and for your timely words.
fma
I
had this dream three nights ago but I still have difficulty thinking about it. What comes to mind is how I tried to show people that something was wrong but no one listened. I tried to remove my sister and myself from danger but she was killed and I was trapped. Also of note is how I addressed my uncle and my sister by their proper names, something I hardly ever did. Everything else is pretty typical for my dreams. I woke with a sick feeling and a heavy feeling of loss as if my sister had actually died. Most of the time I’d rather I died in my dreams than my sister. She’s usually torn apart by something in some horribly, painful death with lots of screaming and in a way where there’s nothing at all I can do to stop it. I hate dreams like this.
—– Dream from August 28th, 2010 —–
The dream started out with our family having a cook out. The house was in the middle of a forest, it was huge on the outside but small on the inside. My uncle was outside with 7 of my cousins playing some sort of game but when I went to check on them later he had them paired up and taking milk shots off of their belly buttons. Each child was paired with another child and he had a little boy under him licking milk from his stomach. When I saw it I yelled to him to stop. I told him he was wrong. I called him by name so that the children knew I was talking to the uncle and not them.
Today a guy from some company came by to take photos of the house when Senior wasn’t home. He took photos of the front, the sides, the back and then left in his private vehicle. Just as he was leaving Senior pulled up and talked to him for a split second. When he came inside Senior informed me that the idea is to sell this house and buy a 5 bedroom down the street. He said that I’d have my own private area, private entrance AND my rent would be lower. He, his son, grandson and I would all share the home. He said his daughter is the one who thought it would be best to take me with them. I said, but she hates me. Senior said that she might think in the long run Senior needs my income. I told Senior that we have a symbiotic relationship – I need him, he needs me, its just how it is.
Post Secret had a postcard come in concerning a child’s wish to be rescued. The card said that for years she/he wished her real family would take her away from the one she was with. It was all just a bad mistake, and she was going to be loved and cared for by her real family. She was going to be taken home.
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