16 « September « 2005 « The People Behind My Eyes

September 16th, 2005

I”m doing nothing today but relaxing and cooking. I’m not doing laundry or grooming the dog. I’m not answering emails. I’m not socializing with anyone for fear they need support. I’m not answering the phone or doing much of anything other than smoking, eating and screwing around on the pc. That means I wont be running the sweeper, cleaning the cat liter box, doing online surveys for cash, going to dinner with anyone or being anything for anyone other than civil. Today is Joan’s day. Those who refuse to obsurve Joan’s day and leave me alone will be added to the body count, which could rise to an immoral rate. I’m not evil today, I just need a brake so that I don’t lose it. There is a lot to get done but with no downtime, those things will push me right over the edge and land me in a crisis situation. I dont even want to get to that point because it’s frightening for me and frightening for my friends to see.

I planned to fix the front door. It needs to have some of the screws tightened. I have the drill to do it but it’s not priority for me. I could pick from the garden but I’m not. I could file some documents or call Mrs.R* but I’m not. I’m blowing off the day and doing nothing. I’m overwhelmed big time and if I dont get some sort of down time I’m going to come undone and be no good to me or anyone else. Self-preservation is not selfishness. If they were the same, I’d still be consider this day to be mine and mine only.

Joan of Arc

This anger, I’m telling you, it’s high and it’s spilling. I’ve been yelling at Cap and Wee all day. I’ve got a c luster headache too.

I had a dream that there was an older cousin of mine that was hated by the family because he raped me as a child. The family hated him and he felt it was unjust. As the dream went on it came out that this little 3-year-old child initiated the sex and the hatred towards the teenage cousin was therefore unjustified. In the dream the grown up child stood with her arm around the cousin and said that she wanted it and that the cousin didn’t take anything from her at all. She wanted to have sex with this teenage cousin and felt horrible that she let him be branded as a child molester when she knew she was a willing participant. The family was remorseful for hating him so many years; after all, he didn’t make the toddler do anything she didn’t want to do.
Walled
The setting of this dream was in a locked mental ward that finds itself in my dreams often. It switched to a building with a bunch of rooms on different levels but most of the hidden rooms were below ground. The rooms were empty, some had a few people and others were packed but they all had impossible passageways, which the occupants crossed with ease. Some were waiting. Some were sitting in the room waiting for someone to come and meet them or come and get them out of the room. The doors weren’t barricaded with anything visible but the average person couldn’t just walk in and take up space as if they were welcome there. They were waiting for someone with anticipation and with a heavy heart. They didn’t expect them to come but they wanted them to. Others didn’t want or expect, they just stayed in the room as if they didn’t know what else to do. Like there was nothing for them outside the walls of their cell. They just stayed with a kind of ‘throw in the towel’ defeated posture that marks the current spirit of this system called Morton’s Pride. Continue reading ‘Dream: Family Apologizes to Child Molester’