The Heart Is In Pain Even While Rejoicing

Thursday, September 29, 2005
12:52 AM

On the group BlackGirlDID we talked about trust in relationships and about joy. It kind of goes along with what I was saying about not wanting to need anyone. I took a big chance when I wrote yesterday’s journal entry on that subject because I said something that my mother warned against: I said something that could be potentially used against me. I’ll tell ya too, damn her for still being in my head!

TRUST
I will never marry for the reason you speak of here; I can’t let myself depend on anyone. I have to know that things are taken care of. I have to know where all the money goes, where the food is coming from, what the bills are and when they are coming. I can’t let myself depend on anyone at all for fear of ending up homeless but that’s only the second reason. I don’t want to feel like a huge fool when they let me down. I don’t want to come to get comfortable with them and then suddenly they become just as unpredictable and as unbalanced as.. dare I say it… as the mother! She’s my main abuser; she’s the one that taught me to never trust anyone. She’s the one that gave me reason after reason to never depend on anyone but myself. So when I think of marriage or even a partnership of some kind, of sharing my home with anyone, of depending on anyone with any measure of dependency I become afraid and then angry! I’m angry that I’ve let myself get weak and start to trust another enough to lie beside them at night. I’m angry that I’ve allowed myself to depend on another to the point that I’d let them take responsibility for this or that in the household. I can’t let go even a small bit. The moment I let go I lose the one thing I’ve depended on my entire life and that’s me. so yeah, I get it when you say: “(quote removed)”. It takes a lot to trust another person with our life, even when we love them dearly it takes a lot. So I understand where you are coming from.

JOY
You are right on target here. I don’t trust joy either. It seems like when I get comfortable that’s when all hell breaks lose and then I’m all pissed that I’ve let myself get comfortable and enjoy myself. Girl, you are right on target… joy seems to precede the storm instead of follow it.

For me, joy isn’t waiting for an opportunity to come forth, it’s waiting for the opportunity for me to let my guard down and trust it so it can slap me in the face for being stupid enough to trust it.

If you haven’t guessed, I’m not in a very positive mood tonight.

Austin

I can’t remember what scripture this is.
Even in laughter the heart may be in pain and grief is what rejoicing ends up in.

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