My level of anger today is high and flaming. Last night the dog would not come to me no matter what I said. Then this morning outside he did the very same thing. I makes me worry that if he gets into trouble he’s not going to respond to my commands. This of course is a trigger because of the “training” I had as a child. My mother use to practice with my sister and myself on stop and go commands. She had us trained to listen for her voice and respond immediately. If she said stop we stopped right in our tracks. We listened for her voice of “reason” of “safety” of “life and death” because she said it was this important. In the car she would yell, “get down” and we were to lay on the floor in the back seat and not move until she told us to. She would pull over into an alley and turn the lights down. She’d sit still and say nothing. After what seemed like an eternity she would turn the lights on, pull away and say that everything was safe. She would tell us this training would one day save our lives. She said our response time could mean life or death. Of course no one was ever following us, she let us know that, but the training was what was important to her, not the fact that no one was following us.Last night a pack of dogs passed the fence and Cappy tore right after them. He was looking to get out of the fence. He was about to jump it but I kept yelling at him and he didn’t. He went to both exits and tried to open the gate. The dogs wanted no part of him. They went ahead and crossed a very busy street and into the golf course. What frightened me and triggered me was that these dogs were huge for one and they were 5 in number. They weren’t strays. All the dogs had tags and they were all clean. The obvious alpha (German Shepard) ignored Captain and so the others ignored him. They just went right on by the fence despite Cappy’s barking and jumping at them. I finally got him in the house but before I could handle the situation I got a phone call. The phone call lasted 3 hours, which is the usual length with MrsR*.
Today he tore after a squirrel in the yard. He was better about listening but it still made me angry that he didn’t respond when I told him to. It makes me feel like he doesn’t really care if I’m okay or not. He wasn’t attentive to me and that made me angry. The squirrel came before me. I was threatened by that. Wee Kitten Hobbes has always been bad but it seems to be increasing, either that or my patients has decreased. When working on the PC I’ve decided to keep her in the bedroom. She jumps all over things and drives me crazy.
There is a lot to do today. I’m hoping that I get it done and that anger and old issues don’t snuff out my energy and eat up my time. I also feel like I’ve messed up because I read a journal today and left a comment. After I left the comment I realized the person was only 17 years old. I wish I’d left it anonymously but the comment automatically links my name to my journal. I have a warning on my journal that it’s not for minors. Age 17 qualifies as a minor in my eyes. I don’t care if he will be 18 tomorrow; he’s a minor today. That bothers me big time but I have to let that go too cause there’s nothing I can do about it now. I looked at the picture of his friend and man did she look way too adult and overly sexualized. Maybe it was just the photo but she looked like one of those 900 girls. Despite the porno look to the photo she wanted to know how to put it on her profile page. One of me left the message anonymously giving instructions on how to post it on her profile. What on earth was I thinking? I’m disgusted with myself.
My fear for kids is based on my own experiences. This girl could be perfectly safe but my fear for her matches the fear I feel for most kids. I worry that someone will hurt them like I was hurt. I noticed in an entry of hers that she thought of suicide at one time. It is my hope that she didn’t have to go through that on her own. I don’t know, but most of the time when I was going through that I was going through that alone. I wanted to die to get away from my mother and the things I remembered her doing to me.
Alley Grai
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