The People Behind My Eyes

This audio post is about wanting to purge the other day.

This is the update to the urge to purge:

I didn’t but I sure wanted to. It just kind of came over me suddenly. It seemed to come from out of nowhere. Most of my purging issues had to do with guilt and past issues. I don’t seem to think that I deserve to eat if I don’t work my ass off for the meal. I’m wondering too if the meat had anything to do with it. In therapy I talked about how long I was a vegetarian and why I gave it up. It feels like that was the last thing that was completely mine, when I needed to go carnivorous the depression got worse, not better. I decided to eat meat because the depression kept my energy low and there was very little left to cook right. You can’t be a vegetarian and not eat right or you’ll make yourself sick. I started not just making myself ill but gaining weight left and right. I thought that if I could get a George Forman Grill and throw a piece of meat on it, throw a veggie together and maybe a side that I could improve my eating habits. The anger I feel for needing to make the switch to meat has been something I’ve been avoiding and stuffing for the last year. I was a vegetarian at age 8. For the last year of my life I’ve been eating meat. That’s a major, major life change. I find myself at a loss for new meals with meat because ALL of my cook books are vegetarian, every single one of them are veggie books. I can’t bring myself to buy new ones cause I think it means I have to admit that I may be eating meat for awhile until I can get the depression under control. I just thought that maybe taking meds regularly could speed up my carnivorous prison sentence. Hm. Maybe the therapist wont have to stress me over taking them if I look at it that way. No since in giving her fuel for the fire so I shall not bring it up.

One of my best lines dealing with my independence had to do with being a vegetarian. When the mother kicked me out back in 1992 the then therapist told me I could either make a go of it on my own or eat crow and go back home. I said, “Dr. H, I’m a vegetarian. I don’t eat crow.” I’ve been out of that house since then. I’ve never gone back. The whole vegetarian lifestyle was so wonderful. I look forward to returning to it. I felt better, cleaner, not so bogged down. I still purged back then though… meat or no meat, purging has always been a problem cause it has more to do with guilt for not slaving than it does weight loss or anything else. Anyway, gotta run… it’s late.
Aussie