1:24 AM
I spoke with the therapist on the phone earlier today. The conversation went rough and left me feeling like I’m messing up again. I seem to do that a lot, mess up I mean.
I have this poker face for when something horrible happens. It hides my true feelings. It doesn’t let on that I’m either angry or that I’ve kicked into my “just take the pain” mode and act like it doesn’t bother you. ……………………I kick into survival mode. I start making plan A and plan B when things go haywire. I start leaning on old ideas that I can only depend on myself. When I hear the therapist say things like how unethical it is to see me for the first 3 appointments with this other therapist my first thought is, drop her on her head. Forget her. Walk away now. Morton came out and talked to her for a bit. I thought he was relatively calm but maybe he wasn’t. She thought he was attacking her for being a student. Anyway… when she said that if we see this new therapist on Wednesday that we’d need to stop seeing her right away we about flipped. I don’t even know if this woman is going to work out or not, the therapist I’m interviewing I mean. I’m going in to see what she’s like and I’d like to go back to 2 more times after that to get a better feel for her style. The current therapist/student is acting like if I see this woman on Wednesday that it’s over with her. She then fed me a line about how I could come back to the clinic if things didn’t work out with the new person. Well, thanks! I figured that if they didn’t and I needed to come back to the clinic that she’d tell me that she wasn’t able to see me because our working relationship is ruined. I’ll get a line about how it’s in my best interest to see someone else. That just makes me angry thinking about it. (rolling eyes, shaking head, sighing hard)
I don’t care if the woman is a student or not. I’ve worked with students before. I’ve talked about how I prefer the energy that greenies bring to the table. I like the fresh look at things, their willingness to listen and view from fresh angles. I’ve said again and again that I like the students for these reasons so why would I have a problem with her being a student? Argh! So now I’m like thinking I need to temper what I’m saying here cause if she thinks I’m too mad then I might get dumped under the pretense of “it’s for your best interest.” You know what though? Sometimes people just don’t click. Sometimes the undercurrent is more of a personality conflict than a professional issue.
When we started out we were on the defense because she wanted us to call her when the slightest thing went wrong. She wanted us to call her if we felt like cutting or something like that. we had a power struggle over that because we didn’t want to give her that much control over us. We didnt want to trust her just to be let down. We didn’t want to depend on her or .. give her that much control. I saw it as her asking me to take a step backwards and let go of independence. I suppose that some want to call their therapist when anything at all went wrong but I don’t.
This thing about the medication.. I don’t think she’s hearing me on this. It’s not the question that bothers me, it’s the approach. I don’t think she’s nagging or anything like that. I think that the whole Nazi comment was an understandable mistake, a source of anger for us, but still understandable and forgivable. It’s the fact that she pretty much told us that she would ask us about the meds weather we liked it or not..that is upsetting. she said she has to ask every single week because it’s her job. I’m going, oh, okay. So, even if I say don’t ask me this, ‘it’s your damn job’ so fuck how I feel you’re going to ask it anyway. So, like I said, it’s not the question itself, it’s the circumstances, it’s the forced response, the tug of war for power. I don’t like that at all. Of course we have to factor in the mother issues attacked to the medication (the same ones that spill over on this therapist) and how I think it’s the one last insult to the whole abuse thing.
I can’t remember if I mailed to her that I feel the medication is insult to injury. I was going to tell her that I don’t feel I’ll always have nightmares, flashbacks and major dissociation all my life but the medication thing seems like its forever. It’s the one thing I can’t leave behind and is therefore the one thing connected to the past that I can’t free myself from. Yeah, I may sleep better in the future, I may be able to hold a good job in the future, my mother may not have been successful in breaking me totally but hey, I’ll always think about how she hurt me, twice a day I’ll do it, when I pop those pills… that’s insult to injury. That’s the sucker punch, jab in the ribs types stuff the mother pulls. I hate that woman.
I feel like I need to vomit.
I’ve been taking the meds though. I’ve taken them everyday since I saw the therapist last. On the phone I told her that I almost look forward to it because I know its one step closer to getting my vegetarian lifestyle back. Maybe it’s because I’m doing something that the therapist is going to smile upon. Maybe I just dont want to fight anymore and maybe I’m just giving in, throwing in the towel… I dont know. part of me likes being the good obedient girl and just doing it without making waves.. another part of me says fuck it, we didn’t survive the mother by giving in. .. the struggle continues eh?
I need to turn down the volume on my mother’s voice but I don’t know how.
Maggie Gray
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I’m sorry Austin. It would have been best had you not told her you were going to meet another therapist just to get a feel for things.
I can understand her not wanting you to see her and another therapist simultaneously, but it’s perfectly acceptable for you to do a little foot work and looking around.
Sometimes clients forget that therapists work for them, and they either get paid by the client, government, or other source for their services. Like any other service, you have the right to choose the professional you feel is best for the job. There is nothing wrong with that.
The first three meetings with any therapist are usually just for assesment and getting to know each other purposes, so I don’t understand why you should be forced to make a decision so soon. Interesting.
If it’s any consolation, most people go through a handful of therapists before finding a fit, so don’t feel bad if it takes some time. Maggie
Maggie said:
The first three meetings with any therapist are usually just for assesment and getting to know each other purposes, so I don’t understand why you should be forced to make a decision so soon. Interesting.
Austin replies:
Well, she says it’s about ethics. I told her I understood ethics but that this was just unreasonable.
My purpose for finding another therapist isn’t soley based on this experience with her. The clinic I go to changes students twice a year. In less than 2 years I’ve seen 3 social workers. This one will be gone in May i think. I’ve got abandonment issues out the wazzo. I need someone a little more perminent. That is the major reason for looking for a new provider. I’ve asked the 2 before her to help me find a long term provider and it just never got done. so i started doing it on my own. In additon to the 2 social workers leaving I’ve had 2 other pdocs. That’s a frikin revolving door. so heck yeah, I gots ta go!