DID and Dating- Mama I Can’t Hear You!

11:24 PMHe kept asking me if I was okay. He said my eyes were darting around after the kiss. Maybe his glasses were off centered I don’t know but I don’t think my eyes were darting. I sure hope not.

He knows about the DID. He met Morton about a year ago. I suppose that’s a good thing. He knew before I realized he knew which means that I don’t have to break to him that I’m broken. I figured it would make him think twice about my baggage but all this time he knew and it didn’t change anything. I like that.

I made it sooo very clear to him that I am not looking for some deep relationship, a lifetime commitment or someone that’s going to be at my house all the time. I told him I need space and lots of it. I need my privacy. He said that in the past his girlfriends said they could handle that he’s a workaholic but a month later they broke up with him saying they never saw him. You know what? Seeing him once a week is not going to make me break up with him. I don’t need to see his ass every damn day! I told him that if for some reason he’s at my house and I’m sleeping he needs to be gone before I wake up. I don’t want to turn over and have to say, “Are you still here? Don’t you have somewhere to be?” Of course I wouldn’t do that but I’m just saying that I’m not looking for commitment in any way shape or form…that’s not true either, I don’t want to live with anyone. I don’t want to sleep next to anyone every single damn night. I want to come home to an empty house and gather my thoughts, clean, cook, hang out with friends from time to time and do stuff on the net. I guess I’m saying I don’t want to be tied down. I need my independence. I need to know that I have time to process things alone, to paint emotions or draw them, write them, walk with the dog alone. I don’t want him to come to depend on me because I fear losing myself like I do with guys in general. I lose me so quickly. I hope that doesn’t happen. I think I should take things as they come and not think of him as being like all the other guys. And for crying out loud I need to not hear my mother mocking me for dating a man.

Guess what Mama; you don’t get to ruin this. Not this time.

Aussie

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