Monthly Archive for October, 2005

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Desperate

Published on October 28, 2005 in Mental Health and Therapy. 0 Comments

I”m feeling rather desperate.
i should go to bed.

I’ve been trying to call the T but I didn’t get an answer from the secretaries. I think I didn’t hear back from her after my email because she might have been checking with her super about what i said.
I’m supposed to see the sheriff tomorrow evening. I’m kind of yo yoing big time (not to mention listening to Yo-Yo Ma on cello). My brain is tired. I feel rather desperate.

Ah, I’ve been taking meds since I saw the T on Monday. My appetite is good but my drive to cook is low. I’m hungry right now but I’m not about to go cook. this is one of the reasons i had to give up the veggie lifestyle. i was too depressed or had too little energy to cook right. I seem to just want pizza today. lord i could use a slice or 2, or 3 or 5 and a nice big glass of root beer! i have a bunch of food i just don’t want to cook anything.

aussie

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Hilarious Yet Disturbing

Published on October 27, 2005 in Humor and Pets. 0 Comments

1:53 PMYesterday I got a call from a woman saying that she would donate food to Hobbes if I couldn’t afford to buy it. I thought that was as sweet as anything. Later a woman called and I told her she was already gone but then she kept talking to me. She said that some people eat cats. She said some people in our neighborhood get cats for the sole purpose of eating them. I was on the pc playing a game and got yet another phone call for Hobbes but on the caller ID was “Heavy’s Bar & Grill”. The irony of it is hilarious yet disturbing.
For internet safety sake I’ve cleaned off their phone number.

I miss my little girl. I started to call the people back and tell them to bring my Hobbes home but I really can’t. It was 4am too so that stopped me from calling them. I miss her so much.

Aussie

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PMDD Symptoms Kicking My Butt

Published on October 27, 2005 in For the Record. 0 Comments

12:40 AM

I’m not sure why I’m so depressed I just am. I can’t pinpoint anything that would cause me to feel this low other than PMDD. Usually the Zoloft takes care of that but I’ve been off of it for about 2 weeks now. I haven’t taken it regularly in about 3 months. Usually PMDD symptoms would appear about now but I’ve already had my period. It wasn’t a normal one though. I’m kind of cramping and stuff too. I think I may have screwed up that balance I had going on cause this depression feels like PMDD. I hope the Zoloft doesn’t take too long to build back up because I know when this hits my ability to reason with myself becomes less and less. I get suicidal because nothing lifts the depression. It’s not like regular depression at all. It’s this heavy, burdensome soulful mourning that eats away at you slowly but viciously.

I seem to be nauseous also. That’s a PMDD symptom as well. Any smell triggers the nausea. The other day I was talking with a friend and my energy just left. I mean it was gone. That is a red flag for me when it comes to this disorder. It’s like letting the air out of a balloon, it’s only seconds before it hits the ground and can’t move. Man, that was rough the other day. Perhaps I don’t have the stomach flu, I think it’s more like difficulties due to being off the Zoloft.

I made a great pizza tonight but I wasn’t able to eat it. I couldn’t stand the smell of it after it was finished cooking. LOL.

I’ve got to go to sleep.

Me

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stomach flu – Texan’s Rock

Published on October 26, 2005 in Pets and Relationships. 0 Comments

Lord I feel sick. I think I might have the stomach flu or something. I feel awful. I’ve got to lie down. I’ll be missing in action for a few days.

For the last three days I’ve felt sick. I’ve felt like i needed to throw up and i thought i was going to pass out Monday afternoon. Sheriff has called 3 times today already and I’ve been kind of quiet. I guess when he calls back a 4th time I’ll tell him I feel like I need to vomit and that I’m going to go lie down. I’ve got to take shorty out before I go though. He hasn’t looked for the kitten or anything. He liked her … there he is again calling me.

That wasn’t the sheriff it was someone calling about the kitten. she said she couldn’t take her but that she wanted to donate a bag of food. That just made my night. I love that… just too sweet. She was a talker too. We talked for 15 min about Texas and how we both got here to this state. I’ve met a lot of Texans here. We talked about cows and horses and land. Man I miss it so much. That green grass against the clay ground was awesome. I’ve never seen the stars like that before either. The best date I’ve ever had was under the stars dancing during a full moon. It was so cool but that was here not Texas. He was from Texas though and had on a big white stetson hat. it was sooo cool. Yesterday at the hospital a black guy walked through with a black stetson. it was soooper cool too.

Austin

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Social Work Students: Reply To Maggie

Published on October 25, 2005 in Mental Health and Therapy. 1 Comment

Hi Maggie,
My comments are within yours

I’m sorry that your therapist asked you that question. Asking someone who has expressed themselves openly if what they said is “true”, is the same as saying, I don’t believe you, or I doubt what you’re saying. It makes me upset just thinking about it. I called my counselor and asked her a hypothetical question about that “is it true” question, and she agreed as well(I didn’t mention your journal or anything). Unfortunately, it’s hard to find “experienced” counselors who are good at what they do. In terms of professional client trust, that question was inappropriate knowing your past experience with betrayal.
I think it was just an everyday phrase she used but it didn’t go over very well. She’s a student and this is her second round of clients so she is very, very green. I don’t think she doubted if what I said was true but it certainly didn’t go over very well. Amy Pink came out and I don’t think that went over very well either. The social work student almost panicked right there. Amy tried to go back in but she got stuck out. Since she’s mute and only uses sign language there was very little communicating at first. I think the therapist didn’t know what to do and maybe her lack of experience as a therapist is what made her panic. I don’t hold that against her but again, it wasn’t helpful at all.


Stay strong Austin, and don’t feel that you did anything wrong. It’s not your fault. Unfortunately only a limited income you can’t “choose” a quality therapist, and often the one assigned is not the right one.
I’m wondering about this one then again, the last 2 social work students I’ve had started out just as rough but ended up being pretty good. Part of me wants to give her a change while another part of me wants to walk away before I get triggered even more. The last session makes me wonder if she’s up for this.


I know this will sound strange, but have you tried just pulling out the yellow pages and calling as many therapists as you can, explaining your situation, and asking if they will work with you? It won’t hurt to try, and someone may have compassion and make an exception for you. You have nothing to lose.

That is the plan for tomorrow. Today I’m a bit too upset but the plan is to start the search tomorrow. I thought I’d do a google search of the area and if that doesn’t work then I’ll go to the phone book. I have a hard time with the phone book. I find it overwhelming. LOL. I think it will be important for me to get a long term provider that has experience working with DID or that has experience as a therapist. I don’t think that I necessarily need someone that has years of experience with DID, I just need someone that is long term that I can work with. I’ve been in therapy for 15 years now so the need for a specialist is low if at all. I have to say that with social work students their drive is high and they aren’t as stuck in a routine as more experienced therapists tend to be. I think that is one reason why I like social work students but this one right now is triggering me repeatedly. It seems to be simple phrases and things. I don’t think its right to ask her to change the phrases that she uses. I don’t want to tell her how to talk or make her feel like she has to walk on egg shells around me. I don’t feel I’m all fragile and stuff, not all the time, but I seem to be repeatedly triggered with this student.

You’re safe, and it’s understandable why that question upset you.


That’s the thing, I know I’m safe. I know she’s not going to try to hurt me purposely, but her phrases seem to drive me up the wall. I’m happy you understand what I’m saying here.


If my replies are too long or you’d prefer I not respond to any of your entries let me know. I can be long winded. lol I read lots of journals everyday. I particularly like yours, crazedsiamse, and socialessence, because I can tell you women are honest and say what you really feel and don’t sugar coat for the public. Be strong Austin. Someone understands. Maggie
2:30 PM

Nope your comments aren’t too long. I get long winded too so don’t worry about it. Are the journals you mentioned on blogger.com or another host site? I’d like to check them out. I read other journals as well. I try to spend at least an hour a week finding new journals.

I called my counselor and asked her a hypothetical question about that “is it true” question, and she agreed as well(I didn’t mention your journal or anything).

My journal is public, even my therapist reads it so I don’t have a problem with you mentioning the journal or anything. The last 2 social workers read it too. And nope, I don’t sugar coat anything even when I know my therapist might read the entry. This journal is for my recovery it’s not to tickle the ears of those who read it. I do, however, use restraint when it comes to name calling and sarcasm towards people that read it. I’m not going to dog the woman or anyone else on my journal when I know full well that they read here from time to time. I never use the real name of friends or even the real name of my therapist. I figure that my openness isn’t a license to expose the identity and privacy of others. I think that it’s not just wrong but reckless.

Thanks for the info and the comments.
Sincerely,
Austin

Blank Head, Blank Mind

Published on October 25, 2005 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy. 1 Comment

2:26AM

For the last few days I’ve not been able to think straight. I can’t think of the words I want to say. When I do talk I end up saying the words wrong. I dont know what’s wrong with me. I just can’t remember anything. I’ve been emotional and overly sensitive for like 3 weeks now. My therapist asked me a simple question with a commonly used phrase and I skipped out on her. Amy came out. Amy is mute. She’s 5 years old. All the therapist said was, “Is that true?” It’s a phrase not an accusation but dang did we end us running away inside. Our mother called us a liar all the dag on time. I suppose if a person can’t speak they can’t lie right? That may have something to do with Amy being mute. I just shake my head right now cause this woman has got to be frustrated with us. Everything triggers us, common empty phrases, humor, colours and everything else. It makes me want to go hide my head under the covers and not look at anyone anymore. It feel horrible and stupid and embarrassed that we ran like we did and why we ran like we did. I didnt think she knew how to handle it and that scared me too. She asked if I was going to hurt myself or anyone else. I thought she was asking Amy to go back inside which of course didnt go over well. Amy thought she was humoring her when she asked her if she had friends. What friends? Do we hang out with other five year olds in the neighborhood? I dont think so. She plays with the little ones inside.

She asked us about our sleep and how to make it better for us. We talked a little bit about …….whhatever i was going to say is just gone. I started rocking and I think I skipped out for a second. Sheshh… I’ve gotta go to bed. I don’t know what I was going to say but when I kind of came back for a sec there I realized I’d been rocking and kind of in a blank stair at the computer screen. That means its time to hang it up for the night. Part of me is just so angry inside and other parts of me just want to run. We fear upsetting her and then her telling us not to come back. We fear beeing too sensitive and her telling us not to come back. I’d rather walk away than to be told to go away. It felt li……. never mind. just never mind.

Three Wishes

Published on October 24, 2005 in Borderline Personality Disorder, For the Record, PTSD and Relationships. 0 Comments

I’m just downright scared now. Man! I don’t think he gets it that I don’t want his money. Maybe he doesn’t know anyone that doesn’t want him for his money. He has 2 farms, an apartment and 3 cars and lord knows what else. Maybe he doesn’t understand that I’m okay not being loaded. Does he understand my drive to be self-sufficient as much as humanly possible? I don’t think so. I told him I went window shopping and he told me the next time I go shopping he’ll give me some money to blow. I told him the whole idea of window shopping was to go there, look at all the stuff and then laugh at the people that were blowing their money on it. Slave Girl and I had a great time at the pottery shop today. We were there an hour and a half and bought nothing! We looked at the art, the silk flowers, the cooking ware and of course the pottery. She drooled over the cobalt glass and I drooled over the sunflower stuff. Part of the fun was knowing we were going to walk into that store and dream. Without dreams life is nothing. If you have nothing to wish for then you have nothing that drives you forward. We had a great time window shopping. It was totally fun. I can’t wait to go back and do it again. I’ve only been to that store twice but man I love that place. It’s huge! I don’t window shop at Wal-Mart or at the grocery store I window shop or chase dreams at pottery barns, at art stores, thrift stores and things like that.Right now I cant think of anything that I would need badly enough to trade in my independence. I need to come home alone. I need to know that I run my household. I need to know that I don’t answer to anyone for money or for confidence. I don’t need anyone to complete me. Money will never complete me. I grew up with money. I was homeless a lot but it wasn’t because the family was broke. The places we lived were very nice including the cars we lived in. LOL. I think I got a balanced view of money living on both sides of the “coin” so to speak. Money doesn’t turn me on. It doesn’t mean anything to me at all. I’ve seen it do good and I’ve seen it used to find better ways of hurting people. You know what? An abused child traveling out of the country twice a year is still an abused child. A slap in the face in one state is as powerfully destructive as a slap in the face in any other state. Travel, education, “privilege” does not ever make life better when peace of mind, a good nights sleep and basic life purpose are missing. A woman can be just as unhappy in sneakers as she can and will be in expensive shoes. Its not money that fills voids, money lets empty people look in further places aimlessly. You can’t buy what I need.

On that subject, I was watching Three Wishes the other day. Amy Grant gave an address to write to the show and ask for a wish. I didn’t know what to ask for. I could use my own home. I could use a car but on my income that is just not possible to keep them up. The other thing is this, what I need is not tangible. What I need you can’t televise. I need to not go to bed worrying about what I’m going to dream. I need to not be triggered when this man calls me Princess. I want to feel comfortable with people. I don’t want to duck and run so that he doesn’t see the broken sides of me. How will Amy Grant ever fill that wish? How will I ever find a way to these things while there is still life left in me?

Austin’s August