The People Behind My Eyes

i have a hard time in the winter. i slept in the snow way too much when i was younger. a few years back i spent most of the winter really messed up. the therapist i had at that time wasn’t sure if i’d make it through and i had even less confidence that i’d make it through that time. i got to sleep like every 4 days. it was so horrible that when all the madness stopped my neighbors thought i’d finally died. i’d been screaming for three months. i’d scream, laugh, talk, pace, throw things and then finally i stopped. they thought i was dead. my neighbor said that he thought better of calling an ambulance because death would be preferable to what i was going through. he said he was going to just let me die. trust me, i appreciated it. it took about 6 months or longer before i was even able to talk about what happened during that 3 months of torture. i was humiliated and the intensity of it all was more than my head could handle. id run from the thought of it and finaly i was able to tell my therapist all that went on. i fear ever going back to that space again ya know. i fear it greatly. i fear Ariel.

my heat was on but i insisted it was cold. the temp said it was above 90 degrees but i was so cold i couldnt stand it. i went to the hospital several times because of how cold i was. my nuckles were black as if they’d been frost bitten. it was nothing but body memories. they can be that intense ya know. it was not a good time. i told that therapist that before things got that bad again i’d take my ass back to Texas. so again, Texas has come up. I fear this coming winter very much.

i have yet another mouse. he’s gonna have to die too.
austin