Dignity and Homelessness

Dignity and homelessness
Sunday, November 27, 2005
5:55 PM

Dignity and homelessness are friends the same as a lamb and a lion. When the people you hang with are the safest of anyone you’ve ever met it makes homelessness preferable to living with abusive parents. That is why I left home and stayed gone for so long. It’s why I left repeatedly. The biggest difficulties of my homeless experiences were roughing the elements and avoiding the authorities. Roughing the elements was the factor that sucked away self respect. Even if I found a dry place to sleep it didn’t mean that rats, mice, strays animals and such didn’t walk over me or by me. It didn’t mean that bugs fled just because I lay on the ground.

I’d seek cover from the rain in hidden areas, places you couldn’t see from the street. It would seem preferable to have the rain hit the pavement instead of directly on my head but the truth is, the rain brings out earth worms. When you sleep in the rain you sleep with the worms. When you’re hungry enough, earth worms aren’t such a slimy pest. But it makes that old nursery rhyme less than humorous.

We have in this state what is called White Flag Day. It means that when the temperature and wind chill hit a certain low no shelter can turn you away. That’s all well and good for those of age. Somehow I repeatedly woke up with a layer of snow over my six year old body. (I’m 6 or 7 in this picture here) I managed to live that way for two years. The winter of 1977 was rough enough to shut down just about everything in the city. This state is use to hard winters but that blizzard took the city by surprise. Pre-Katrina, the elderly in this city talk about the Blizzard of ’77 as the worst natural disaster they’ve ever seen. When their cars were frozen and wouldn’t start, when they were buried by inches of snow I was out there at age six sleeping in it. How did I live? I think the answer is obvious, by the grace of God.

I remember seeing my first homeless person. I was driving by the hospital with my Monster and an old bag lady was pushing a cart full of nothing. She was slumped over to keep the wind from her face. I started crying because I knew I was planning to leave home. My mother gave me some line about how things would change in the world and no one would ever be hungry or homeless. At that point that didn’t make any difference to me. I just didn’t want to be hers. I didn’t want to be hurt by her anymore. My world was small then. I didn’t have a big picture to see. Now, I depend on the promise by God that he will clean this earth of all these problems down here.

I left a few days later. I left a Monster with a college degree in Engineering. I left the Monster with a full bank account, a good job with General Motors and a vision to increase that bank account. My family all pride themselves on their level of education. There is no one of age in my family that hasn’t been to college. Several of us are business owners or career military people. The family is strong in tradition as well. We were one of those families that others thought they wanted to be. In public the family appeared to be strong and loving, humorous and organized. But no amount of money in the world could buy a plausible explanation for what went on inside the home and out of the public eye. It is also difficult to explain how someone who make 120K a year could allow her family to live in a home full of mice and trash. It is also difficult to explain how this same woman could allow her family to live in a car winter after winter, summer after summer and so on. Many times kids fight about who gets to ride shotgun. My sister and I argued about who would get to sleep in the backseat.

The Monster still went to work and my sister and I still went to school. We all had life time memberships to a local health club. After waking up in a T-top Monte Carlo parked in a 24 hour store lot, we drove to that health club to shower and change clothes. Our clothes and toiletries were in the trunk along with a few personal items. After cleaning up we went for breakfast at a sit down restaurant, all as if this lifestyle was normal. The Monster then dropped us off as school and went to work. She picked us up from school were we sat in the car until she got off of work. My mother was a workaholic so she might be in her office until 10pm or later. We got off of school around 2:30pm back then. Going to the restroom wasn’t allowed so we sat in that car waiting for her to come out so we could relieve ourselves and get something to eat.

Because of the insurance and other benefits such as high pay and rewarded “loyalty” many employees bought into the common saying, “There is no life after GM.” Well, in 1985 GM laid off 25% of their higher management. While sitting in the car waiting for the Monster to come out, a man jumped from the building with a rope around his neck. He stayed there until the fire department came and cut him down. The Monster came out later and we went to eat as if nothing happened. Sitting in the car waiting for her was probably the most peaceful time for me because she wasn’t there.

I’ve got about 10min left for my allotted time for this journaling session. I think I’d like to address homelessness in high school. I spent the majority of my senior year on the street. I stayed in a cluster of bushes in the center of town. I was small enough to not be seen but an elderly man took me under his wing and made sure no one ever hurt me. He never even hugged me or held me to keep me warm because he wanted me to know that I was completely safe with him. Mr. Austin would sleep first and I’d watch out for possible harm. When I slept he watched over me so that no one hurt me. He’d wake me up so I could get to school. At school I snuck in the building and hit the showers in the gym. I stood there naked until my clothes dried. That was one of the most humiliating things I had to do, stand there naked while my clothes dried. By the time school started I was up in homeroom with the rest of the students pretending that I had a home like they did. My homeroom teacher knew I was homeless so he brought me breakfast every morning. Looking back, I find his actions immoral and self-serving for not acting to help me get off the street. He knew I was homeless. He brought me clothes and things like that. I told him why I left home. I wrote him letters about my little brother and about what was happening to him. he told me no to tell him any more details because he couldn’t handle it. What he did do was let me in the building early and let me stay late in the evening.

When I met up with Mr. Austin later in the evening he and I haphazardly panhandled. We weren’t professional at all so we got about $5 a day. This money allowed me to get back and forth to school during the week and got us a hamburger for dinner. We loved Wednesday’s because back then McDonald’s had hamburgers for 25 cents every Wednesday. You can buy a good amount of hamburgers on $5.00. Many times we saved some for the next day but man did we eat good on Wednesdays.

My time is up so I need to end here.
I need to take a quick inventory of my emotional state though. I think I’m pretty grounded. I don’t feel too scattered or fearful. I need to go get something to eat. I’ve got cat fish in mind for dinner. I’ve got some grooming I need to do for Captain and I’ve got his blankets in the dryer. Seeing as how it’s Sunday, there are some good shows on TV. I’ll end the night that way.

Austinof Morton’s Pride
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