The People Behind My Eyes

I kept my word to myself. Most often, my word is good only when I give it to someone else. I tell my therapist that I will or will not do something and I stick to it. If I tell myself that I will or will not do this or that it means nothing. Tonight I kept to my safety plan after journaling about past homelessness issues. I watched Shrek, had the cat fish dinner and did some PC art. When I was shooting pics of my roommate for his singles profile I ended up taking a few practice shots of the windows. When I uploaded them I knew I had to a piece on Picture It Publish It. This is what I came up with.

I also talked to Mic. he was somewhat depressed tonight. He says that he is waiting for me to hurt him. I listened carefully. Part of me heard my own voice and another part of me thought he was being manipulative. My trust issues may have been telling me he was being manipulative. I can’t say for sure if he was or not. I think this man is so sad and lost. I think he works so much to keep from running into himself when he slows down. I think his heart is heavy but he doesn’t have the courage to ask someone for advice on how to lift it. I think he misses his mother so much that he just can’t stand it. Animals don’t replace humans but in his life and in the life of many, animals surround him and give to him what he thinks he can’t get from humans.

Slave Girl once said that she couldn’t believe Mic is so sad. She said he had so much going for him. Then she said that maybe I could be what makes him happy. I objected. I told her that there is no one that can fill the hole in a person’s heart when that hole is there for reasons such as his. There isn’t anyone on this earth that is going to come into my life and take away the nightmares or take away the past. I can’t be that kind of savior for anyone else either. What I can do is listen and support. I can give only what I have and that is a listening ear and understanding. But I can’t make Mic happy. Happiness is made up of more than one thing and that one thing is rarely if ever a single human being. I suppose her train of thought is what got her hooked up with Monkey Boy. She knew he was depressed and needy. She wanted to make him happy. Its a sad situation all around.

This piece that I’ve done is called “Walking Away From The Window” (the water mark of Sundrip Graphics is so people can’t just steel my shit) Both of the people in the picture are me. In therapy we talked about how I see through tainted glass and that looking through that makes it difficult to see the real situation. I see things through the eyes of the past and the past keeps affecting my here and now. But it is very hard to forget the past when pieces of it are everywhere. From the colour of an old Ford automobile, a tossed out Christmas tree, a bottle of Fego Rootbeer or the way my hands look like my mothers as I get older… it’s all a slap in the face from the past. It is my desire, my goal to feel less of a sting when the past slaps me in the face.

I’ve got therapy tomorrow. I need some sleep and a cig.

Austin’s August and Joan of Arc