“Do you know what I expect of you? I expect you to be you. I don’t expect you to call me every day or to say certain things or not say certain things. I expect you to be who you are and if you don’t know who you are I expect you to find out.
So who am I? I’m the woman that appreciates comedy, nature and good conversation. I love my sunflowers, porcelain angels, antique Bibles and road trips. I like history, biology, literature, programming and other intellectually stimulating things. I’m the kid that stayed in to read the World Encyclopedia instead of sledding with the neighborhood kids. I’m the kid that preferred going to the art museum instead of the state fair. The one that started writing poetry in the 6th grade and abandoned meat when she was 8 years old. I was also the kid that listened to Elvis when everyone else my age was listening to Bell Biv Devoe. I was my own person then the same as now. I always will be and I have no time for people that are swayed by every turning tide.”
Knowing who you are is the most important knowledge you will ever have. As many of me as there are the one thing I can count on is knowing what I will and won’t do and what I want or don’t want. Even knowing these things doesn’t mean I’m going to make the right decisions or take proper action to get what I want. I’m just as unfocused as the next person. The difference is, I know I have a path and when I stray from it I have little pieces of bread to lead me back in the right direction. Man, I’m tired of screwing up and feeling like I’ve said too much or not said enough. I’m tired of nightmares and of my weight, of depression and anxiety. Those pieces of bread I speak of are reminders that it won’t always be this way. So when I go down the path of self destruction I can look back on past positives and find my way back to the direction towards the sun(flower).
I read other journals on the web and my heart goes out to the authors because they seem to have no hope and don’t know what to look to to find it. For some reason, a reason I’m grateful for, I have a spirit that just refuses to be broken. I think in my struggle to survive I forget that others are struggling even more. I forget that others have deeper depression and harder things to deal with. Talking to Mic last night really grabbed my heart. As much as I hurt inside this man hurts twice as much. I’ve learned to ask for help when I need it but some people just cant and they are alone with their thoughts and their nightmares. My heart goes out to them and I wish they could see the sunshine that I depend on.
I once said that the sunrise is a blessing of hope. When the sun comes up I have another chance to make this life work. It’s like a new day brings new hope and maybe, just maybe I’ll find a way to make this life a pleasant one. I can’t say I’m hopeless because as long as the sun rises I have another chance to put my own errors behind me and make my own choices as to how I want to live. It’s like climbing up hill all day and then you reach the top and look back to see all that you’ve climbed above and all that you’ve overcome. Then you meet the sun as it clips the horizon, and you know for sure that you’ve been given a second and a third and a hundredth chance to be human with all its positives and negatives.
Perhaps my thoughts of what the sun brings are a bit more complicated than others. But if you think about it, our lives depend on the sun working properly and rising and setting on time. Nope, I don’t worship the sun by any means. But I appreciate what it represents. The rainbow is a documented promise from our Almighty. Without the sun we’d have no rainbow. I see the two promises hand in hand. If I’m wrong about the sun being a good source of hope then please don’t tell me. If this hope is meaningless to others as well as harmless, then please keep me in the dark.
I hope others find hope in something, in something that will keep them going and sooth over old scars. Without hope we have nothing. Without other humans we have even less.
Austin’s August for Morton’s Pride on Sunflower Province
This posting smacks of poetry
It’s nice and thoughtful. You might want to think about publishing your stuff (if you haven’t already).
In response to your posting about Eddie Gurrero… yes, when he was younger he smoked and drank and other bad things to his body. He was sober for 3 years (and completely “clean” for at least 5 years) before it STILl caught up with him and he died.
Yes, I’d suggest quitting smoking, but that’s a decision you have to make.
Soon, right?
Peace and love.