I’m exhausted. I need to lay down. I’ve got to take the meat loaf out of the oven and put it in the fridge. I’m having pie for dinner and then hitting the sheets. It’s been a day from hell!
I had a dream last night that the landlord died in a car accident. My mother told me I was only upset because he allowed me to live in such a nice place for less than I’d pay elsewhere. She told me that I live here for what I can get out of the landlord and that I was only upset because he was no longer alive to let me take and take from him. Then she started bad mouthing him and saying he was a thief and stuff. I told her that he is a nice man. I started telling her some things about his likes and dislikes. She started saying he stole 10 pies from a church. I told her to get out of my house. She left. I was crying so hard because Barney was dead, not because I might have to move because he was dead. that really messed me up, that dream. The rest of the day was just as horrible because it was almost and extension of that nightmares. It was such a bad day that I couldn’t even journal about it for a time. When I’m too mad to talk or to write then I’m pretty mad!
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Bureaucracy…..one nation under Bureaucracy, indivisible, with unnecessary stress and lack of basic needs for all.
Oh, say can you see why the fuck can’t I eat? Why do I have to smoke crack to have everything handed to me? Do I have to spread my legs to make you give me what I need? Oh say can that star spangled banner be fried for the land of the bleak and the home of much dread!
I’d like to know why it’s so hard to get basic things? I’d like to know why it’s so difficult to go to the same food pantry I’ve gone to for 5 years but suddenly I can no longer go there because the rules have changed. Today when I went to the pantry with my landlord they told me that I could no longer get food there because I don’t own the house I live in, he does. He can get food but not me. I told them that someone come to my home and asked what the living situation was. I asked the man if he wanted to come in to see that my part of the house is completely separate from Barney’s. He said “no, I believe you.” Well, who in the hell has ever heard of someone from a fucking food pantry coming by your damn house to verify that you live there? That’s bullshit anyway! He had me sign some stupid ass paper saying I talked to him. Then he told me to put a beware of dog sign on the gate so that if Cappy ever bit anyone I wouldn’t be sued for it. He said he got “tagged” just the other day when he went into someone’s yard to verify their address. Who in the fuck goes around verifying info for a damn food pantry? So when I got there today things went off without a hitch until the landlord (who takes me to the pantry) went to sign up for food. The last time they approved him because we told them we have separate quarters and that we hardly ever even see each other. We don’t share expenses or food or anything else like that but today they decided that only he can come there now and not me. They said he owns the house so he can get food but I can’t. I asked what changed from the last time he and I went there. The woman replied, “This time you got caught!” I said got caught doing what? I told you before what the living situation is. She acted like I was lying to get some free food. Well, you know what? I’m not a liar and I’m not a thief. So I told her that. Then she gave me some speech about how “people” are dishonest. I told her she wasn’t talking to “people” she was talking to me, the same person she’s known for the last 5 years! I walked away in tears because I couldn’t believe they did that. I went outside the building to have a smoke and calm down. Barney comes outside and says they announced my name over the intercom and wanted to speak to me in the back. I get back there and the same damn woman says to me, “well, you need to tell your landlord to legally register your half of the house as an apartment.” She said he probably didn’t register it because he didn’t want to count the income and he didn’t want to pay extra taxes and this that and the other. I told her, look you don’t even know him. you can’t say he’s dishonest when you don’t even know him. I told her I didn’t want to hear it and walked away. I turned around and I told her, if I had a bunch of illegitimate children, was a drug user and refused to work you’d be handing me more food than I could ever eat. You’d put me through school and in a house with little or no rent. But I’m not. I’m a decent citizen and that means I have to fight for every single scrap of food. She gave me some line about how rules are rules and that if she “allowed me to get away with this” then she’d have to let 200 other people “get away with it.” I told her that bureaucracy has no place in a food pantry and that I was finished with the conversation. I walked away. I walked away in tears but I did walk away in the middle of her sentence.
This food pantry starts off ever single damn “give away” session with a prayer, then the “I lost and now I’m found” song and then The Lord’s Prayer. But when they are finished with that show of faith they prove themselves to be like most Christians, full of crap. Anyone that tells someone one time that the living arrangement is fine and then two weeks later that very same person tells you that you’ve gotten caught being dishonest then they sure as hell better not start talking to me about the Bible.
This food pantry has the absolute best variety of products. They have cheese, all kinds of dairy products like eggs and real milk. They have chicken, beef, pork, fruit, restroom tissue, pads, lotion, soap, dish soap, laundry soap, and toothbrushes and just about everything else. You get to go in and chose 15 items. In addition to those 15 items you get free bread and a free dessert like pie or an already made cake. People go to this pantry because of what you can get. Well, since they “allowed” me to shop just one last time I walked away with a whole chicken, 3 things of yogurt, a 64 oz bottle of Ocean Spray Cranapple juice, orange marmalade, two things of eggs and a host of other stuff. But that’s it for me. I can’t go back because of their bureaucracy. For them to announce my name over a fucking intercom and then take me back in a frikin room to tell me my landlord is dishonest and that’s why I cant shop is just bullshit.
So my day has been one fucking ball of shit after another. The biggest ball of shit is that Barney has decided that we will split the points he has. So I’ll be getting less than half of what I was getting. You can only have one meat item and there is nothing he and I are going to agree on. Today he had so many choices like a pound of hamburger, a pound of rolled sausage, a whole chicken and lunch meat. He chose the damn lunch meat! He chose lunch meat over a whole damn chicken!!! I’m trying to eat, not snack. Lunch meat does nothing for me. I need my food to be warm or hot and lunch meat doesn’t fit either of those requirements. The free bread will have to be split between us where as before we each got our own bread. We eat separately. We don’t share our food! But now we have to split these points because they said we live as one household. Fuck that! No we don’t. I see the man only when I cook. This is bullshit. Pure, unadulterated bullshit!
Like I said before, I took the meat loaf out of the oven and had a nice big slice of American Apple Pie. How ironic is that!!??
Saturday December 3rd
Barney told me that he would give me all the points to use at the food pantry because he felt i may need it more than he does. I haven’t even talked to him about it because I was too upset. I knew I’d tell him about his lazy self so I said nothing. I made a suggestion about how to split up the point system then he replied with the above. I was shocked because he was thinking of someone other than himself. I was also very, very thankful. I expressed that to him without including how upset I was about the whole thing. Self control paid off again. Thank goodness for that. Not going off on the Catholics proved to be a good move too. I sure wanted to tell them about themselves! I didn’t. I was more calm than I on the journal. On this journal I let loose and tore them a new one but in their face I was pretty calm. I didn’t curse one time, not to their faces anyway. Although I do not respect them or their god I will not be disrespectful in a place that is supposed to be holy, even if its as unholy as the water in the Mississippi River. I have respect for religion in general. They should be happy for that as well!! If I didn’t, I would have been all ghetto right there in the house of their broken lord!
Joan of Arc
That’s terrible. I feel so bad for you. My guess is that in the past, they may have had people who live with romantic partners for free, yet report they pay rent to get pantry services.
Since there really is no way for them to know for sure if you’re a renter, or involved in some type of romantic or family arrangement, it’s probably easier for them to make a rule and stick with it to save their own butts.
I know it sucks, but maybe it is best to let it go. I think you should be direct and ask your landlord a few questions.
Legally, he can get in trouble for “renting” a room in his home without a permit. The office that supplies the permit, is probably the same office that funds the pantry. Usually a township if you’re in a suburb. So if the pantry doesn’t have proof of this permit, although he is going to the pantry, that is sure sign the lanlord may not have reported things, which means he’s not paying taxes which is illegal.
It may have taken them a few weeks to verify things, which is probably why they didn’t say anything the first time. Pantries usually cross reference with townships, churches, and other neighborhood support services to avoid providing services to people who don’t need it.
Since you’ve been going to the pantry awhile, maybe they are trying to avoid making things more difficult for you. They are legally required to report a rental situation like that to the township. It may be a blessing that they’re just refusing to provide pantry services, and not reporting things.
Talk to the landlord. If he never registered for a permit, and isn’t paying taxes, the disagreement was probably more about him than you.
my concern is and has always been …eating…that is why I’m so upset. all I want to do is eat. it seems like i scrounge for every bite i take. this same pantry treats people like shit. we keep going back because we need food. we trade dignity for food. nobody should have to do that. that was the main point of the entry. I understand all of the legal stuff but that has nothing to do with me at all. and for them to say that i was dishonest is just wrong. why didnt they come out and verify my address where i lived for 5 years before here? i understand what you are saying, that they think he is wrong. even so, that has nothing to do with me. i just want to eat. no amount of legality or regulations will put food on my plate. and this type of “order” should not rule a local food pantry that has nothign at all to do with the state or federal govt. it’s a local church pantry. again, all i want to do is eat. it seems i have my fill of bureaurocarcy!
i hope you understand that i know your comment was to see both sides. i do see your comment as it was written. my emotional response does not negate your point of veiw. thanks for comminting.
Austin of Sundrip Journals
I completely understand. I was just concerned that if the pantry reported it to the township, and they pushed the issue and required the landlord obtain a permit, and pay higher taxes, he might be inclined to no longer want to rent the room, which would cause problems for you. Maybe I should have just said that to avoid confusion. I hope things work out.