I did some pc art for a friend and it just drove home that I need to be doing this for a living! Not only was it enjoyable but it was theraputic in that it boosted my self-esteem greatly. I have been saying that I wanted friends to send photos of themselves or their kids, whomever and that I’d practice on those photos for free but only ONE, count ‘em, ONE friend sent me photos. I have to say I was pretty happy with how they turned out. Today I was going to start working on my website to advertise Sundrip Graphics. I got scared and didnt do it. I seem to over do everything. I mean, I seem to think I have to have hard and fast policy, um, written this and that, everything down to the letter like it was some Donald Trump Corporation. It’s not, it’s a simple home business so I can afford to live here with my wonderful jacuzzi. So, I am making a promise to myselves (LOL) I will have a site and some ideas for that site ready by the end of this month. There is a lot to do like pricing things and organizing databases. STOP.. okay, it’s not a Trump Industry. I dont need a bunch of databases. here i go again over doing things. damn me! damn me the over achiever! that’s why I dont get stuff done cause if its not done alllllll Trump-like then I feel like a failure and dont want to try it again. so, I will slow my thoughts and narrow my goals so that I can chose a destination for the site and move towards setting it up.
Since the pc piece I did is of someone that hasn’t said I could post it I’ll just have to say that her babies are too cute. I dont know how appropriate it would be to post them on this site anyway. But, I’ll tell ya. I loved doing it. It was a good push in the right direction so I could go ahead and get the self-esteem boost I needed to get Sundrip Graphics on the web. Yeah, thanks Marilee!
We should all push her to start her own journal :0) . She could call it, E-friends with a Wacko!
Me
I read a new entry in the journal Mel-O-Drama about the homeless people in her town. In the journal entry of mine that dealt with homelessness I spoke of a safety plan that I would need to put in place in order to journal out my own issues with homelessness. (http://sundripjournals.blogspot.com/2005/11/ptsd-issues-and-homelessness.html).
- 0.5 mg of Clonapin 10 min before the journal session.
- After the session: PC art or playing with the dog
- A physical activity such that requires some sort of stretching like: dusting the porcelain doll cases, re-arranging the coffee cups on the top shelves in the kitchen, dishes, hanging up the hats that the kitten pulled down.
- The time limit for the journal session will be 45 min and can not be done after 10pm.
For me, doing something that allows me to stretch or move around helps me to burn off anxiety faster. I would usually choose large scale finger painting but I figure that it would be too emotional for me. I don’t want to overload myself. Giving myself 45 min has no significance other than that setting a time limit will help me know that what strong emotions I may have will end. I don’t have to think about this again until the next scheduled time to process this. I think that after 10pm my mind has processed enough. To throw this subject on it would be too much. I do a lot of journaling after 10pm but this subject may cause more anxiety than usual. I don’t need another reason to put off sleep.I have found PC art to be relaxing and a good way to end the day. It’s been nice and its free, free, free. I couldn’t afford all the colours I can make with this program. Sometimes my hands are too shaky to do the details I would want to do with a brush or a sponge. Picture It Publish It allows me to create images despite physical limitations.
Medication Issues:
Man oh man! I slept like a rock today. I mean I slept and slept and slept. After Slave Girl left I went back to take a nap. I slept from about 3pm to 9pm. I was wiped out! I got up to feed the dog and to let him relieve himself. I didn’t want to get up but I did. I also called Mrs.R* to apologize for Monkey Boy’s behavior. The man is a butt hole and somebody needs to smack him! I think she may have been out with her neighbor so I left a message and told her I’d call tomorrow. She doesn’t sleep much either so calling her at a quarter to 10 wasn’t a problem. I’m going to hit the sheets yet again very soon. I feel drunk almost.
Me
PTSD Issues and Homelessness-26-Nov-05-12:00 midnight
The author of the blog Mel-O-Drama has a new entry about a project she’s going to be doing concerning the homeless. It touched me because many of the issues I’m having right now center around PTSD issues from the many times I was homeless. I left this comment in her blog but then I realized I needed to do some journaling on it myself. I’ve not wanted to touch the subject because it’s a hard one for me. After reading her entry I realized its time to start journaling this out. Here’s the comment I left in her journal :
Hey Hat Girl. I was going to leave a comment on the entry about homeless people. I did one awhile back on a different journal. I’ve been homeless 80% of my life. My first time was when I was six years old. I was less than 4 feet tall sleeping in the snow. I stayed gone for 2 years because the street was safer than at home. I dread the winter months to this day because of how many times I’ve slept with a sheet of snow over me. Even after a person finds a home the effects of homelessness doesn’t really leave you. I could add some input into your project.
btw: the lip balm was a good idea. the gum was too. often times cash isnt the best thing to give because it can be stolen. socks, bottled water, a comb, underwear, heavy gloves, old blankets, HATS :0) and things like that are helpful. a toothbrush, q-tips for cleaning their ears, wash rags, combs, dry foods with high protein like nuts and avocados. fresh fruit is a wonderful gift.
Continue reading ‘PTSD Issues And Homelessness’
Hi Austin! Of course you matter! I think most of us have asked that question at one time or another. I had a question I hope you don’t mind me asking. When you do take meds to sleep, are your alters able to sleep also, or do they come out keeping the Body awake? Loved your computer art!Sincerely, Hat Girl
1:50 PM http://hatgirl.blogspot.com/
Hi Hat Girl,
I forgot you asked me this question. Well, some of us react differently to the medications that we take. But as for sleeping, when the body goes to bed it stays there. There aren’t some of us that get up in the middle of the night like we use to do. We’ve had a lot of therapy over the years and have learned to cooperate to a degree that allows us to do that. We still lose a lot of time but for the most part when the body goes to bed so does everyone in my head. I know that must sound funny, making a distinction between the body and those inside it. It’s like having several people inside an apartment building. You have different apartments housed in one large structure. Everyone in there has their own morals, their own thought process, ideas, likes and dislikes. Trying to get all your neighbors to agree on something is difficult when there is no one to help organize them. Our therapy has helped us to have a decent level of organization. That’s why when I started getting suicidal this time I was sure I was safe because Morton wasn’t going to allow it to happen. He has the say so and the rest of us listen to him without exception. It takes a lot of inner trust and a lot of work to get to the point where we can know each other this well and be able to depend on each other to do the job they have been given.
I had a pdoc one time give certain meds to one alter and other meds to more depressed alters or ones that are more anxious. It helps. I’m not really sure why it helps but it does. I understand that DID is a survival tool for those who refuse to die under the abuse of their tormentors. I know it is a very complex disorder based on the minds natural ability to protect itself. What I dont know is why one medication can help one alter and do nothing for another. Some alters have higher blood pressure than others. Some cant handle beer while others can. Some are colour blind, Deaf or mute, diabetic or lame. Why? I have no idea how they could have it and not the others but it does happen. I know too many other multiples that have medical conditions that are specific to an alter. I can’t explain that but I do know it is common.
Well, that is more info than you asked for but I hope it answered your question. I dont mind questions at all so when you have one dont hesitate to ask.
Later,
Austin
10:45 AM
Nov. 25, 2005
I slept from about 3am to 10am without interruption and without taking the new medication. I don’t think my dreams were bad enough to ruin my day.
2:06 PM
We had a nice time with Slave Girl this week end. She came over while her crackhead boyfriend went to his KKK Family Thanksgiving Dinner. He hates cops, black people, gays, Arabs and just about anyone of colour. Funny how monkey boy’s main drug addiction is the drug of choice for black addicts age 34 to age 54. “Can’t stand ‘em coloured people but dang they sure know their drugs!” I should have put some ex-lax or worse in those cookies I sent home with her.
Monkey boy: These chips taste nasty sweaty. They don’t taste like chocolate.
Slave Girl: No, those are chocolate chips baby.
Dominatress: Well, they are chips, buffalo chips ya dumb bastard!
What part of racism doesn’t fall under the jackass category? None! All of it falls in under major jackass!
Annyyywaaay, I spent another hour in the Jacuzzi this morning. I was in so much pain from last night that I figured if I didn’t get in there my whole day would be nothing but popping Aleve and moaning about how much my back hurts. The rent here is double what I was paying in the other place but when I get out of that Jacuzzi I know living here and being broke is worth it. I could have a little money and be miserable or have no money and be as relaxed as I am now. That relaxation was temporarily interrupted when the kitten fell in the toilet and screamed at the top of her lungs to have me come and pull her out. I keep telling Slave Girl to keep the lid down. She forgets and the kitten almost drowns. I thought it was hilarious until the little bugger went from screaming to this pitiful meow. So I called her and told her that I didn’t appreciate her trying to kill my cat.
I suppose that before the day is out I’ll finish up my therapy assignment on trust. Lord knows I have cleaning to do. It looks like we threw a wild party that lasted 3 days. LOL. There are clothes to wash and a yard to pick up. I did nothing in that yard for the week end. That means I have three days worth of Cappy-Crap to pick up. I should call a hazmat worker to come clean this up. This boy is too big to leave stuff on the ground. Maybe I could throw some seeds out there and hope the fertilizer will produce daisies or something. Oh well. I’d better get started.
Austin
I’m proud to introduce Gray Girl into the Austin Klan. She’s a 4 month old torti mix. When she was first given to me I thought to myself, wow, what a violently ugly kitten. When my friend said she was cute I blurted out: “Don’t lie. She’s butt ugly.” But you know what, ugly or kitty model, she’s a sweetheart. The good thing is, this sweetheart has a God-father to help with the bills. I got so depressed after giving up Wee Kitten Hobbes because of finances. It got really bad. I mean really bad. I didnt have a way to contact these people and tell them to give me my kitty back. So Lakea Gray Girl was given to me.
She adds that grace to the house that was absent when Wee Kitten Hobbes was gone. It’s been nice having Gray Girl here. She’s a sweetheart and she fits in very nicely. I regret giving up Hobbes. I did it because I couldnt afford her. But when that grief set in because i missed her, a friend stepped up and gave Gray Girl to me. And of course the financial aspect of it, if it gets too heavy, will be eased by her God-father. I’m happy about that.
She seems to be very attached to me. She hangs out on my shoulders and seems to really like to sleep ON my eye. She and Cappy have warmed up to one another.
Know how to get a kitten to warm up to a 125lb dog? Rub the dog with catnip! Yes, it was a fast and easy way to get her use to him. So, she’s part of the family now. We’ve both enjoyed her a lot.
Aussie
Audio blog date: November 23rd, 2005 
I managed to get to sleep around 5am. I woke up several times but stayed up once it got to be 10am. The new medication didn’t work for me but then my friend said that 50mg isn’t much at all. Maybe it’ll take a week or so for it to start working.
I logged on and saw a comment from a journal that I left a comment in several months back. I was delighted because I remembered this person’s journal distinctly. As a matter of fact I just in the last week or so took it off my “journals to read” list because it was inactive. I’m happy to see that he’s out there again.
It made my day when I saw a comment from that journaler because it made me feel like I’m making a small difference out here in cyberspace. Like maybe I count in some way. As much as I talk about strength and things of that nature, the truth is, I’m as insecure and as fearful as the next person. There are parts of me that talk a good game and then there are parts of me that just want to hide. Last night when I took the medication I wasn’t feeling so strong or so worthwhile. I felt I had no control over whether or not I got to sleep. At least when I wasn’t taking any medication I could decide if I wanted to sleep or not. but when I popped that pill the control was lost. That scared me because that meant I had to go to sleep and face whatever my brain vomited up. It felt like I had no options. I had no say in whether I was hurt or not. I felt little and defenseless. I had to go to sleep/be hurt in my dreams and I had no choice. I didn’t like that at all. I suppose that I managed the night rather well. I called in a journal entry on the audio blog line. I could have come out here and typed it but I needed to say it out loud for some reason. After I hung up I felt somewhat better and relaxed enough to get to sleep. I’d say that rest wasn’t part of that sleep but I did manage to sleep about 4 tumultuous hours. I stayed up when it was a few minutes before 10 am. My friend is still sleeping in the middle of my floor because she says the sofa cushions are softer than her bed at home. This gives me some alone time to get my thoughts together so I can be grounded enough to visit with her.
Yesterday seemed so long. I was tired by 9pm. I did a short pc lesson with a student and then came back here with Slave Girl to mess around with pc art. We’re working on a picture of her cat Torti. I miss teaching at the old place. I held classes 3 days a week. That was a rewarding job. That’s also how I got to know Mrs.R* so well. I spoke with her for about an hour and a half last night. Dang, it seemed like my phone rang off the hook. Everybody and they Mama called me yesterday. I may need to put in a revolving front door before the week end is out! I like company at times and right now I’m up to it. If it had been Grand Central Station a few weeks ago I would have been swimming in a sea of depression and anguish.
Well, I suppose I should get lunch started. Noon is coming up fast and I’ve not eaten yet. Bacon and eggs, coffee and toast. Oh yes! It’s calling my name! Auussttiinnnnnn….. Auussstttiiinnnnnnn…
Aussie
New Meds – Old Issues of Helplessness11:19 AM
24 November 2005
Maybe I need to write more poems about insomnia. Last night I had 6, count ‘em 6 hours of UNINTERRUPTED sleep. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but I got it and I’m happy. I’m also happy that the nightmares were “light” enough that they should not effect my day! Hello! Hell yeah!
We also got our first snow today. That was a welcome surprise.
I’m still working on the medication issue. I got a call last night saying it was resolved but now there’s a snag at the pharmacy. It’ll happen when it happens. Right now I’m so dag on happy about 6 hours of manageable sleep that I can’t stand it.Aussie
The Affair
I’m having an affair with insomnia.
I’m out with insomnia star gazing,
Sharing out dated cereal and listening to records spinning.
We lounge in the lazy boy chair, kick back and count the ceiling tile squares.
I’m having an affair with insomnia when I should be at home with my soul mate.
I couldn’t resist his charm.
He promised nights of no shadows or dreadful ghosts that would sneak up on me and steel my breath, leaving me cold and naked in a sweat soaked bed.
I’m drawn to the way he makes me shake and
The way I almost lose my mind when he’s overstayed his welcome.
I’m captivated by the way he steals that same mind and refuses to return it until it’s broken and useless. Continue reading ‘The Affair’
8:08 PMAustin: “I’m worried that my lack of experience is going to be rather dull for you.”
Mc: “Do you hear me complaining?”
Austin: “No.”
Mc: “You’re fine then.”
Austin: “Okay.”
Mc: “And I’m sorry if my butch comment was offensive to you.”
Austin: “No, not at all.”
Mc: “I liked when you said the Spanish girl in the corner was cute. Most other women would have smacked the shit out of me had I said she was cute first.”
Austin -Giggle.-
Mc: “But no, you don’t hear me complain so you’re fine. I like it just how it is.”
Austin: “Okay.”
Mc: “Well, I’ve gotta run. I’ve got some papers I need to get out. I’ll call you later.”
Austin: “I’m hoping to get some sleep.”
Mc: “Okay then. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye honey.”
Austin: “Night”
I’ve had enough Chinese food for a year or so. We went there again tonight. I was happy to see him. I’m not really sure when the last time was that we got together since I’ve missed so much time. It’s kinda funny that I’m very relaxed when I’m with him. I’m playful and confident UNTIL I walk in the door. It makes me think that someone else inside is actually going out with him but when I get home I’m out and doubting myself.
My confidence with woman is much higher. I’m usually the more dominant one in the relationship. With men, I seem to lose myself quickly and by the time I find myself the inner badgering has convinced me that dating men is hazardous to my emotional health.
He says he looks like the Pilsbury Doe Boy with his clothes off. His confidence level is low. His inflated ego hides his insecurities like an elephant seeking protection behind an unsalted peanut. It’s obvious that he’s not as big and bad as he says he is. It’s obvious that he’s as fragile as every other human being. It’s obvious that his trust issues and his inferiority issues fuel the need for the big bad cop image. When I look at him and listen to him speak I see and hear a man that feels he fucks up everything he touches and that he will never be happy. I then see myself. I see a man that wants to be in a relationship but fears he’ll screw it up. I see myself. I see a man that is like every other human I’ve run into in my 34 years of life. He’s disillusioned at times, he’s desperate at times but he doesn’t have it in him to stop seeking happiness and stop seeking the things he wants out of the years he’s been given. In my opinion, he is the same as most people, including myself. I wonder if he realizes this. I wonder if he realizes that most people fear messing up every relationship they touch. I questioned my level of experience and I wonder if I’ll be enough. I wonder if he realizes that we all go home and wonder if we’ve said something wrong on the date. Did I do this and that right? Did I say this right? Am I enough? Am I going to get hurt? Am I better off at home with the dog and the cat? Am I better off alone?
Perhaps in weakness we are all linked, all humankind, male and female, adult and child. If this is so then neither I nor anyone else is above or below the other. Take that thought to bed with you when you sleep Mc because being alone is never better than connecting with another living soul.
Austin’s August
survivors
Multiple Personality Disorder
women
Sexual abuse
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