Monthly Archive for November, 2005

Page 3 of 10

Week End With Monkey Boy’s Girlfriend

Published on November 25, 2005 in Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships. 0 Comments

10:45 AM
Nov. 25, 2005

I slept from about 3am to 10am without interruption and without taking the new medication. I don’t think my dreams were bad enough to ruin my day.

 

2:06 PM

We had a nice time with Slave Girl this week end. She came over while her crackhead boyfriend went to his KKK Family Thanksgiving Dinner. He hates cops, black people, gays, Arabs and just about anyone of colour. Funny how monkey boy’s main drug addiction is the drug of choice for black addicts age 34 to age 54. “Can’t stand ‘em coloured people but dang they sure know their drugs!” I should have put some ex-lax or worse in those cookies I sent home with her.

Monkey boy: These chips taste nasty sweaty. They don’t taste like chocolate.
Slave Girl: No, those are chocolate chips baby.
Dominatress: Well, they are chips, buffalo chips ya dumb bastard!

What part of racism doesn’t fall under the jackass category? None! All of it falls in under major jackass!

Annyyywaaay, I spent another hour in the Jacuzzi this morning. I was in so much pain from last night that I figured if I didn’t get in there my whole day would be nothing but popping Aleve and moaning about how much my back hurts. The rent here is double what I was paying in the other place but when I get out of that Jacuzzi I know living here and being broke is worth it. I could have a little money and be miserable or have no money and be as relaxed as I am now. That relaxation was temporarily interrupted when the kitten fell in the toilet and screamed at the top of her lungs to have me come and pull her out. I keep telling Slave Girl to keep the lid down. She forgets and the kitten almost drowns. I thought it was hilarious until the little bugger went from screaming to this pitiful meow. So I called her and told her that I didn’t appreciate her trying to kill my cat.

I suppose that before the day is out I’ll finish up my therapy assignment on trust. Lord knows I have cleaning to do. It looks like we threw a wild party that lasted 3 days. LOL. There are clothes to wash and a yard to pick up. I did nothing in that yard for the week end. That means I have three days worth of Cappy-Crap to pick up. I should call a hazmat worker to come clean this up. This boy is too big to leave stuff on the ground. Maybe I could throw some seeds out there and hope the fertilizer will produce daisies or something. Oh well. I’d better get started.

Austin

Introducing Lakea Gray Girl

Published on November 25, 2005 in Art, Humor and Pets. 3 Comments

I’m proud to introduce Gray Girl into the Austin Klan. She’s a 4 month old torti mix. When she was first given to me I thought to myself, wow, what a violently ugly kitten. When my friend said she was cute I blurted out: “Don’t lie. She’s butt ugly.” But you know what, ugly or kitty model, she’s a sweetheart. The good thing is, this sweetheart has a God-father to help with the bills. I got so depressed after giving up Wee Kitten Hobbes because of finances. It got really bad. I mean really bad. I didnt have a way to contact these people and tell them to give me my kitty back. So Lakea Gray Girl was given to me.

She adds that grace to the house that was absent when Wee Kitten Hobbes was gone. It’s been nice having Gray Girl here. She’s a sweetheart and she fits in very nicely. I regret giving up Hobbes. I did it because I couldnt afford her. But when that grief set in because i missed her, a friend stepped up and gave Gray Girl to me. And of course the financial aspect of it, if it gets too heavy, will be eased by her God-father. I’m happy about that.

She seems to be very attached to me. She hangs out on my shoulders and seems to really like to sleep ON my eye. She and Cappy have warmed up to one another.

Know how to get a kitten to warm up to a 125lb dog? Rub the dog with catnip! Yes, it was a fast and easy way to get her use to him. So, she’s part of the family now. We’ve both enjoyed her a lot.

Aussie

New Meds – Old Issues of Helplessness

Published on November 24, 2005 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dreams, Mental Health, PTSD and Relationships. 1 Comment

Audio blog date: November 23rd, 2005 this is an audio post - click to play

 

I managed to get to sleep around 5am. I woke up several times but stayed up once it got to be 10am. The new medication didn’t work for me but then my friend said that 50mg isn’t much at all. Maybe it’ll take a week or so for it to start working.

I logged on and saw a comment from a journal that I left a comment in several months back. I was delighted because I remembered this person’s journal distinctly. As a matter of fact I just in the last week or so took it off my “journals to read” list because it was inactive. I’m happy to see that he’s out there again.

It made my day when I saw a comment from that journaler because it made me feel like I’m making a small difference out here in cyberspace. Like maybe I count in some way. As much as I talk about strength and things of that nature, the truth is, I’m as insecure and as fearful as the next person. There are parts of me that talk a good game and then there are parts of me that just want to hide. Last night when I took the medication I wasn’t feeling so strong or so worthwhile. I felt I had no control over whether or not I got to sleep. At least when I wasn’t taking any medication I could decide if I wanted to sleep or not. but when I popped that pill the control was lost. That scared me because that meant I had to go to sleep and face whatever my brain vomited up. It felt like I had no options. I had no say in whether I was hurt or not. I felt little and defenseless. I had to go to sleep/be hurt in my dreams and I had no choice. I didn’t like that at all. I suppose that I managed the night rather well. I called in a journal entry on the audio blog line. I could have come out here and typed it but I needed to say it out loud for some reason. After I hung up I felt somewhat better and relaxed enough to get to sleep. I’d say that rest wasn’t part of that sleep but I did manage to sleep about 4 tumultuous hours. I stayed up when it was a few minutes before 10 am. My friend is still sleeping in the middle of my floor because she says the sofa cushions are softer than her bed at home. This gives me some alone time to get my thoughts together so I can be grounded enough to visit with her.

Yesterday seemed so long. I was tired by 9pm. I did a short pc lesson with a student and then came back here with Slave Girl to mess around with pc art. We’re working on a picture of her cat Torti. I miss teaching at the old place. I held classes 3 days a week. That was a rewarding job. That’s also how I got to know Mrs.R* so well. I spoke with her for about an hour and a half last night. Dang, it seemed like my phone rang off the hook. Everybody and they Mama called me yesterday. I may need to put in a revolving front door before the week end is out! I like company at times and right now I’m up to it. If it had been Grand Central Station a few weeks ago I would have been swimming in a sea of depression and anguish.

Well, I suppose I should get lunch started. Noon is coming up fast and I’ve not eaten yet. Bacon and eggs, coffee and toast. Oh yes! It’s calling my name! Auussttiinnnnnn….. Auussstttiiinnnnnnn…

Aussie

New Meds – Old Issues of Helplessness11:19 AM
24 November 2005

Oh Yes! Sleep!

Published on November 23, 2005 in Dreams and Mental Health. 1 Comment

Maybe I need to write more poems about insomnia. Last night I had 6, count ‘em 6 hours of UNINTERRUPTED sleep. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but I got it and I’m happy. I’m also happy that the nightmares were “light” enough that they should not effect my day! Hello! Hell yeah!

We also got our first snow today. That was a welcome surprise.

 

I’m still working on the medication issue. I got a call last night saying it was resolved but now there’s a snag at the pharmacy. It’ll happen when it happens. Right now I’m so dag on happy about 6 hours of manageable sleep that I can’t stand it.Aussie

The Affair

Published on November 23, 2005 in Art, For the Record and Mental Health. 3 Comments

The Affair

I’m having an affair with insomnia.
I’m out with insomnia star gazing,
Sharing out dated cereal and listening to records spinning.
We lounge in the lazy boy chair, kick back and count the ceiling tile squares.
I’m having an affair with insomnia when I should be at home with my soul mate.

I couldn’t resist his charm.
He promised nights of no shadows or dreadful ghosts that would sneak up on me and steel my breath, leaving me cold and naked in a sweat soaked bed.
I’m drawn to the way he makes me shake and
The way I almost lose my mind when he’s overstayed his welcome.
I’m captivated by the way he steals that same mind and refuses to return it until it’s broken and useless. Continue reading ‘The Affair’

Chinese And A Kiss

Published on November 22, 2005 in Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships. 0 Comments

8:08 PMAustin: “I’m worried that my lack of experience is going to be rather dull for you.”
Mc: “Do you hear me complaining?”
Austin: “No.”
Mc: “You’re fine then.”
Austin: “Okay.”
Mc: “And I’m sorry if my butch comment was offensive to you.”
Austin: “No, not at all.”
Mc: “I liked when you said the Spanish girl in the corner was cute. Most other women would have smacked the shit out of me had I said she was cute first.”
Austin -Giggle.-
Mc: “But no, you don’t hear me complain so you’re fine. I like it just how it is.”
Austin: “Okay.”
Mc: “Well, I’ve gotta run. I’ve got some papers I need to get out. I’ll call you later.”
Austin: “I’m hoping to get some sleep.”
Mc: “Okay then. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye honey.”
Austin: “Night”

I’ve had enough Chinese food for a year or so. We went there again tonight. I was happy to see him. I’m not really sure when the last time was that we got together since I’ve missed so much time. It’s kinda funny that I’m very relaxed when I’m with him. I’m playful and confident UNTIL I walk in the door. It makes me think that someone else inside is actually going out with him but when I get home I’m out and doubting myself.

My confidence with woman is much higher. I’m usually the more dominant one in the relationship. With men, I seem to lose myself quickly and by the time I find myself the inner badgering has convinced me that dating men is hazardous to my emotional health.

He says he looks like the Pilsbury Doe Boy with his clothes off. His confidence level is low. His inflated ego hides his insecurities like an elephant seeking protection behind an unsalted peanut. It’s obvious that he’s not as big and bad as he says he is. It’s obvious that he’s as fragile as every other human being. It’s obvious that his trust issues and his inferiority issues fuel the need for the big bad cop image. When I look at him and listen to him speak I see and hear a man that feels he fucks up everything he touches and that he will never be happy. I then see myself. I see a man that wants to be in a relationship but fears he’ll screw it up. I see myself. I see a man that is like every other human I’ve run into in my 34 years of life. He’s disillusioned at times, he’s desperate at times but he doesn’t have it in him to stop seeking happiness and stop seeking the things he wants out of the years he’s been given. In my opinion, he is the same as most people, including myself. I wonder if he realizes this. I wonder if he realizes that most people fear messing up every relationship they touch. I questioned my level of experience and I wonder if I’ll be enough. I wonder if he realizes that we all go home and wonder if we’ve said something wrong on the date. Did I do this and that right? Did I say this right? Am I enough? Am I going to get hurt? Am I better off at home with the dog and the cat? Am I better off alone?

Perhaps in weakness we are all linked, all humankind, male and female, adult and child. If this is so then neither I nor anyone else is above or below the other. Take that thought to bed with you when you sleep Mc because being alone is never better than connecting with another living soul.

Austin’s August

An Apology: Responding To The Present

Published on November 22, 2005 in Borderline Personality Disorder. 0 Comments

A Public Apology: an apology to the specific reader as well as all other readers of Sundrip Journals.

 

 

Today I put a caution label on the entry that was such a hot topic with me and one of my readers.After I posted that label on that entry I asked myself, why didn’t I just do that and skip all this other stuff? I think that what the therapist and I talked about yesterday may have played a part in it. I was nit picking. I didn’t like the way the reader said it. The first sentence was just fine, it was the last sentence I cringed on and too offense too. I realized that I owe this reader an apology. My goodness! First of all, she was right and wrong. She was right in that putting a warning before the link would have been appropriate. She was wrong in some of the other comments in that it appeared that she didn’t take responsibility for her own actions such as the act of clicking on the link. I felt that somehow she blamed me for her triggers. I think I was right in that I refused to take responsibility for the actions of another person. I was dead wrong when I took her comment as a personal attack. The words, “It can be disturbing for those opposed to that type of thing” are the words that I took and ran with. I saw it as judgment. I saw it as her telling me that I she was a better person than I was because she opposed to “that type of thing.” I read into her comment more than she wrote. I feel that the entry was clear in what it was about. I think it was very clear that I wasn’t kidding, but that really doesn’t matter. What matters is that I shot down a reasonable request because I couldn’t get past old tapes.

No further comments would have been necessary had I just put that little caution on that entry. There wouldn’t have been a big disagreement or comments about my New York attitude or anything about being taken off of a favorites list. Had those things not been said then I wouldn’t have jumped even further in my pit of anger to sort through issues of abandonment and self condemnation. The reader stepped into a situation that had nothing at all to do with her. My therapist and I talked about my inability to see a true situation past the old tapes and past the old experiences. The occurrence with this reader is a perfect example of me responding to the present with tapes of the past. So I ask this of anyone that knows the reader that I’m speaking of: please tell her that Austin of Sundrip Journals is deeply sorry for what happened and hopes to be able to use the experience to further growth in the now while leaving the past in the past.

Sincerely,
Austin of Sundrip Journals