Mic's Midnight Smack!
Monthly Archive for December, 2005
in comments left on the entry just below called
What Colour Is Your Grass
http://sundripjournals.blogspot.com/2005/12/what-colour-is-your-grass.html
Lorna said:
I'd much prefer that heaven on earth arrive to eliminate the need for extra income. Inability to forgive makes it easier for forces to influence our moods, personality, and perception. 
Lorna said:
1 Peter 5:8-9; James 4:7 1 John 4:4 Matthew 16:23 Those with the greatest belief in god, are usually tormented the most to decrease their faith. The mind and emotions are the devil's GREATEST tools, yet he is seldom blamed when using them, and very few people attribute their torment to spiritual warfare. Based on the attacks you've experienced, I'm sure you already have knowledge of the scriptures. Just in case. gotquestions.org is a great website. Despite your past, mortal man is not the cause of this degree of torment. Your mother may have had her own attacks which effected her actions. Be blessed and recognize the tools in action sister. Lorna 9:38 PM
Austin says:
Lorna, you know not of what you speak.
I seem to have more money in the bank than I should have. I know that I cut my bills drastically but according to my balance I've got an extra like $60 in there. This is crazy because if this is true, and I’m sure it's not, then it means i can get shoes this month. Goodness. Lord knows I need them. These tennis shoes weren't going to last another month. Being the pessimist that I am, I’ll figure and refigure to see how on earth I ended up with an extra 60.00. It’s almost frightening… I think I fear getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. I’d been saying that if I had an extra hundred bucks a month that I could live comfortably here. When things start going good i look over my shoulder for the anvil. I don’t want to get my hopes up only to feel foolish when i find that there was no reason to hope .my food supply is good. I have medication. Cap and kitty are taken care of for the month. it seems too good to be true. Perhaps I could get some new unddies too. Boy, if anyone is reading this they must think I’m crazy. I’m worried about putting trust in an extra 60 bucks. I’m hoping for a pair of shoes and some unddies. Others want a car, a house, a boat or whatever. I want basics. I suppose that sounds pitiful, almost pathetic in a way but in my opinion, life essentials are what make us happy.Most poor and middle class people say they don’t need to be stinking rich or even a millionaire; they just want to be comfortable. If you say you don’t want to be rich you’re a bold face liar. You think that more money will solve the vast majority of your problems. The truth is, if the problem is you then the only thing that will change your problems is YOU. Where ever I go, whatever I buy, I'm taking ME along for the ride. I'm taking my nightmares, my flashbacks, my abandonment issues, self doubts and history wherever I go and to wherever I shop. I can be just as depressed, timid and fearful in Paris or Belgium, Taiwan or India. The only thing is, I'd be depressed in the back of a limo, having flashbacks sitting in the comfort of first class jet liners, frightened and worried I'd run into my mother while racing down the Autobahn. PTSD issues do not decrease as the balance in my bank account increases. I'm going with me no matter where I go and no matter what I do. That I can not change. What I can change is how I deal with the PTSD. That’s why I'm in therapy so that one day if I end up in Paris I wont be upset that I can’t enjoy the moment because I'm too afraid of the past. No yacht, exotic vacation or beach house can change the fact that I fear laying my head down at night because I'm going to see my mother abusing me.
Money is important. We need it to live in this society. Money gets us a roof, food and clothing but it never, ever buys us a good night’s sleep. It never, ever buys us peace of mind or purpose. Am I going to be happy with the new shoes and/or under clothes the way a person would be happy if they won a new car? I’ll be happier. I can’t afford the upkeep of a car but throwing unddies in a washing machine is right up my alley. LOL. The real answer is it depends. Did the other person need a new car as much as I need this or that? And who can measure another person’s joy without truly knowing them? All I know is, for me, the basics of life are the most important. I’ve been on both sides of the money scale. I find no difference in the basic fabric of humans on either side. It does seem though that the more money you have the more options you have. Too many times those options are used for things like finding ways to hurt other human beings. The more money you have the easier it is to forget that the next person counts as much as you do. The less money you have the more desperate you are. Desperation usually leads to acts that we would normally shy away from. Also, the less money you have the more you hate the rich. You see them as a threat to your self worth. You see them driving their SUV’s while you’re sitting in an old Chevy that should have been junked years ago. They’re driving to the country for the week end and you’re driving to that job you hate. You’re dropping off kids that don’t mind to your ex partner that you resent. The rich envy what they think is your simple grass and you envy what you think is their joyful lawn.
Is the grass truly greener on the other side? The truth is the simplicity of life and the joy in life has nothing to do with money, privilege, position or stature. I’ve been on both sides. I have to say the grass is the same. Each side has its own problems that the other group doesn’t have. What they share is the need for inner peace. They also share the status of failure when it comes to finding it.
Austin's August
It’s my fault if I decide to let these seeds grow.
It’s my garden. If I let her plant her seeds of doubt it’s my fault. It’s my fault if I feed into them and let them grow. Why am I awake worrying that she might be right? And why am I awake feeling badly that I let her cut me so deeply? Why?
Is she awake right now waiting for her man to come home? Is she worried that he’s stolen more money or that he’s messing around with some crackhead whore? Is she?
This is Aussie's Garden and I don't want your seeds. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!
Good News for December 30, 2005
FRIEND GETS MUCH NEEDED HELP WITH FOOD
I’ve watched this family struggle for four months now. She’s a young mother of two who was recently diagnosed with Lupus. Because of the Lupus she was no longer able to work. This left them scraping for food. Our nice government gave her $90 a month for food stamps and gave her 6 months of unemployment income which came to about $500 a month. She went from pantry to pantry to bring food home to these two children. She cleans, cooks and thinks only of her children. I’m impressed at her dedication. Today she got a phone call from her case worker. The worker told her that if she could get up to see her TODAY and bring a copy of the paper that said her unemployment benefits ran out that she could give her a substantial food stamp increase. Well, we high tailed it up there and made it on time. Here’s the best part, they raised her stamps from $90 to $400 every month. I love it. This family deserves it. She’s not the take and take type. She’s not a user or a ghetto ho. She’s a 31 year old mother with 2 kids and a debilitating disorder. It’s about time she got a break. I’m so happy for her! When we walked back to the car her face was bright red. She was in shock. We were both in shock. She said quietly, “what am I going to do with all that food?” She couldn’t believe that her family wouldn’t be going from pantry to pantry and eating peanut butter, pasta and rice. I could tell she wanted to cry, a joyful cry mind you, but she wanted to cry. She was overwhelmed by the fact that she could choose what her family would eat. Today is her day! I’m so happy for her.
In this world it is hard to find good news. We hear too much tragedy and too little heart warming stories. This section of the blog is called A LITTLE GOOD NEWS TODAY and is for good news only. It was inspired by a reader named Maggie. If you have good news or know of someone that deserves to be recognized and appreciated please contact me at Austin and I will be sure to post it for all to see.
Sincerely,
Austin of Sundrip Journals
Friday, December 30, 2005
8:18 PM
Happiness is the greatest envy of those who aren’t. Despair is the most diligent characteristic of all negative emotions as it will search every corner of the earth to find a companion.
Mic called and we talked a few minutes before he got hit on the bull horn again. He said that some weird white girl told him to make sure he told me that he saw her. We hung up. A few minutes later this “friend” called me with some petty news. We blew some hot air for a bit and talked about how my neighbor is having trouble with her husband of 15 years. I followed that up with; everyone seems to be having guy troubles right now. She asked how Mic and I are doing. The tone she used was just pitiful. She asked if everything was okay between me and him and if we were getting along and everything. I said yes. She then mentioned that her man told her to come over here for New Years Eve. I told her I wouldn’t be doing anything cause Mic would be working. There was silence for a second and she said: I overheard him tell the other officer that he’s NOT working on New Years Eve. Well, I'd spoken with Mic earlier and he said he will be working. He will be doing DWI checks with the Sheriffs Dept like he’s done for the last 24 years. In my opinion, that’s the best thing he can be doing on New Years Eve. If one person gets home alive because some drunk bastard got stopped by Mic then it was worth him working. I have no problem with that at all. I don’t celebrate the holidays anyway! Well, Dear Friend said that she overhead him talking to the other officer but the way she said it sounded so slick and smooth with a nice cut to it. Passive aggression sometimes has that smooth soul slice.
I think I handled the whole conversation very well. Slave Girl forced boundaries that I refuse to break. She started talking about how Monkey Boy is back to drinking AND drugging, stealing and lying. I said nothing. I didn’t continue to enable her. I set that boundary between friendship and enabling when it became evident that she is not going to leave him and search for herself again. For me to give her pep talks and build up her self-confidence only enables her because she goes back to Monkey Boy all energized and able to take a little more of his shit. Then she comes running to me for more pep and goes back to him to have it torn down. I refuse to give my vital energy, my time and my feelings to a lost cause. She’s going to have to do this round without me. She says that he supposedly didn’t get his SSI check today so she had to pay his rent. He supposedly didn’t get his work check so he doesn’t have that money either. I said nothing. It wasn’t even hard. I just listened and said absolutely nothing. I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns.
Now, the guns went back in when she asked to come over this week end. I'm letting her come here. Why? Cause I'm still in love with her.
Joan of Arc
“Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn’t people feel as free todelight in whatever sunlight remains to them?”
Rose Kennedy
………………………………………
The Rains
December 28th, 2005
You pray and dance your rituals
Created a god to whom you offer sacrifices
In exchange for a promise
That the rain will fall.
For the harvest must be full
And the tide must pull just right.
I could bring in the breeze with a few clouds to break the suns sting
Or shower upon a land fire and cut off its hunger for power.
When dry grass gulps from drops that made your windowsills ping
I hear no sigh of relief
Why did you wait so long?
Why didn’t you save the trees and
Why did you let destruction take so many?
How cramped are the clouds with the tumultuous horde of
Resentment and distain that churns into a spring storm
And brings the driving rain.
The roar and lightening gives you a glimpse of what I fully perceive.
Release upon your land is the only way to maintain my sanity.
I’m bound in so many separate places
Across a sky that does not end.
Frightened by fierce rage, my courage is running thin.
The eye of the storm is here
I can’t hold this in.
It is clear I’ll do too little or too much
And some how mess it up.
Heaven cannot hold me, and mere men cannot prevent
The reclaiming of my sanity when I let go and the rains begin.
Ariel
of Morton’s Pride
December 28th, 2005
Walk with my feet Unbound (poem)
2:50 PM
I have to keep my boundaries I check. I have to know when to talk and when to shut up, when to move and when to sit still.
The goals for the day are as follows:
- 2 loads of laundry
- Wash the dog
- Clean the litter box
- Eat dinner
The rest of the day is mine. I do not plan to watch the CD that came in the mail today, Mystic River. I understand that it has some abuse issues in it. That’s the last thing I need to watch. This means Ever After is out. I don’t think The Village would be a good idea either since it has such a somber tone to it at times. Lite movies only today. No CSI or anything like that. I don’t need any extra help to move closer to the edge. I prefer not to get too close to it. I feel myself crumbling so I need to put together a safety plan. Cutting has come across my mind more than once in the last few days. At least I'm not as shaky as I was when I first got up. My concentration is a bit better too.
10:04 PM
I actually got it done, all of it. The 2 loads of laundry, the dogs bath and a pork chop dinner. Man! Very productive day.
I have been craving something sweet big time! I haven’t made anything though. I keep saying I'm going to make some cookies or something but I haven’t. I did make a fruit smoothie. Maybe I’ll have another one of those before I end the evening.
Austin's August
Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free todelight in whatever sunlight remains to them? Rose Kennedy
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
2:08 PM
Very difficult evening. after all the entries I did I had the worst night I’ve had in very long time. I'm shaky and my mind keeps wandering. I keep going off into a stair then I pop back into reality for a second.
The sun is shining out there today and I need to get myself out there to enjoy some of it. It wouldn’t be within my best interest to stay in the house all day.
I talked to Barney last night. When I got up today he’d swept the kitchen floor and wiped off the counters as well as cleaned off the kitchen table. I was quite pleased. He wasn’t here for me to tell him so.
I’ve got laundry in right now.
Me
I’m worried about facing him tomorrow after I told him today that I wasn’t happy with the way the house is looking. I told him that I couldn’t bring people in here to see how the kitchen looks. He looked puzzled and asked me what was so wrong with the kitchen. I told him that I didn’t understand why he doesn’t just turn the garbage disposal on instead of dumping garbage in the sink and leaving it in the hole to the disposal. Why cant he just turn it on? I told him that I was able to keep a handle on how the kitchen looked but lately its been getting away from me. He wanted to know what was so bad. Despite the fact that there is spilled food all over the kitchen table, despite the fact that there are more leaves on our kitchen floor than there are on the trees, despite the fact that he hasn’t done a dish since I’ve been here he still doesn’t understand what I mean by how the kitchen has gotten out of hand. So I told him. I was very tame and reserved, not overly passionate, no elevated tone or anything like that. I said what I had to say and waited for a reply but he didn’t have one. So now I’m wondering if he’s planning on kicking my ass out. its winter time. I should hold my irritations until summer. At least then I wont freeze to death if I get kicked out. Mic isn’t going to let me sleep out side. I know that but the thought of getting evicted for telling him he’s too messy would be a blow to my ego that I just don’t think I could handle right now. Now right now! I’m too busy feeling fat and unattractive. I can’t take another ego blow. The blow would be to my state of mind. He must think I’m crazy when I complained about half eaten tomatoes and tomatoe juice on the kitchen table. He must have thought I was crazy when I pointed to the fact that he has papers on the kitchen table, the dining room table and in ever frikin cubby hole in the kitchen. He looked puzzled, lost even. He was very confused and was looking around the room trying to figure out what on earth I was talking about.
There is this thing called undercurrent that will take a situation from mild and throw it into a frenzy. Lord! In this respect, the undercurrent is my fault. I’ve been pissed for awhile now. I’ve been pissed by the way he keeps house. I’ve been pissed that there are more cob webs than in a vampire’s house. I’ve been pissed that nothing bothers him at all. Not spiders, the yard, the house, nothing! He feels that leaving fresh fruit… he leaves shit in the middle of the floor. When I go in the kitchen there will be unpacked grocery bags sitting in the middle of the fucking floor. I’ve about killed myself on them several times… he borrowed a freezer bag and you know where it was? When he came back he left it outside in the cooler. It’s been on the porch for days. I went out there and got it. Argg…God! He thinks its funny that fruit flies gather around his left out mangos. He says they don’t bother anything and the spiders will keep the population down. I’m thinking, so will throwing out the garbage. He just wants to go hiking 3 days a week, twice on those days. Everything else is … it’s nothing to him. It’s nothing. My area is so nice. I can’t believe the difference between my area and his. I guess because I care about it. I want it to be presentable. For him, presentable means that ….. you know… when he caught a mouse with a trap he left the damn little thing laying on the kitchen floor for hours. I had to tell him to come and clean up the mouse because he was bleeding on the kitchen floor. Who the hell is supposed to be able to cook with a damn dead mouse bleeding next to them. Its craziness. Lord, and don’t get me started on the fact that he saves everything!!! My God! He saves every milk carton, every pop bottle, every container to everything. On trash day I have to sneak shit out to the trash can so we can make room for other shit. But I have to do it so he doesn’t realize that its gone. But still, he isn’t sure why I said anything to him about the condition of the shared space. I wrote him a message on a post it note back in August. Dont you know he still has it. Its still sitting on the kitchen table. this is fucked up.
The only difference between now and having a college roommate is that he’s not a girl. Damn! It’s like college all over again. Those damn friggin life style differences that make you want to pull your hair out…or their hair out. god! And don’t ask expect him to say thank you for anything.
I need to stop before I go out and strange his skinny ass. He looks like Barney Fife. My goodness! Where’s your pal Gomer or was it Goober? Asshole!
Heavy sigh…counting 1..2..3. I feel the anger leaving me. 4….5….5 ½ the anger is still not totally leaveing me. 5 ¾ …..
I need to be able to separate the mother issues, the flashbacks and the nightmares from the situation with the Andy Griffith Show reject. I need to concentrate on how to keep them separate so that he only gets the suage that’s intitled to him. for me, for my emotional progress and my self respect I have to be able to keep control and not spill anger on him. sooo…. I’ll just do it on my journal. I think cyberspace and handle my rants and raves. I don’t have to worry about not being able to take a slam or a slur back. There is never a time I’ll have to apologize because I’ve said too much and crossed the line. It’s safer to rant and rave here because I can process out before I actually speak. After all, that’s what I would have loved for my mother to do before opening her mouth. I intend to learn from the mistakes and the crimes of others.
I need a drink. If I were a drinker I’d be tore down by now. … just sloppy drunk.. fallin out, slurring, peein my pants drunk. Damn, how come I never took up that bad habit? She’s I guess I learned from the mistakes of others….. damn me and my level head.
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