Artist: Austin of Sundrip Journals
This is a journal I stumbled upon a few minutes ago. http://www.justlivelife.blogspot.com/ I read about how she wants to help her friends and I was immediately captivated by her sincerity and compassion for them. She explains very well how powerless she sometimes feels to help them. She says in her entry The River:
"I feel helpless as to what I should do. I've tried talking to them, I've tried helping them myself, only to get dragged back in the river. Then I sit, cold and wet on the other side. You see, the sun won't shine until all of my friends are on the same side as me. Why can't people learn to "Just Live" and not worry what other's think?"
I talk about being in a river going up stream without a paddle in my profile at the bottom of my page. I talk about how hard it is to keep going. When I read this I immediately knew this was a journal I'd have to go back to. As I skimmed a few more entries I ran across this one called You and I. Let yourself Live: You and IThe entry says in whole:
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don’t speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want–good or bad. When you’re finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.
Of course I had to reply even though I don’t know this person at all. The reason I commented was because I realized today that the major thing that has changed in my life in the last 2 months or so is the amount of support I give to others. My group was active but it’s not right now. I think I started to lose touch with the outside world when there was no one to reach out and help. I lost my purpose for a bit and I think this is the main reason it was so easy to go from depressed to suicidal at the drop of a hat. I talked about this in the entry:
What I want people to remember about me is that I'm the most imperfect person they’ll ever meet. I'm the most divided, controversial being they will ever meet but damn my heart is big and it’s usually in the right place. I stumble, I flub up. I talk too much. I laugh when it’s not time to laugh but I’ll tell you one thing, it doesn’t stop people from flocking to me when they need advice or a listening ear. I often wondered why on earth I give so much and get so little back. The answer to this question is in the comment I left this complete stranger.
my comment in whole:
We have yet to meet so let me introduce myself. I'm Austin, a fish out of water or a girl in a raft with no paddle going up stream and somehow managing to make ground. I'm a girl in Middle America with no compass, no map, only the sun..which i continue to follow and without fail, i find my way. I'm the girl people call in the middle of the night, the one they look to for reason, humor and understanding. I'm the one who rarely gets these things in return but if I did not give them and want nothing in return I could not say in the end, it was good to be me. I am proud I got to be Austin. Austin of Sundrip Journals 10:41 PM
I absolutely, positively have to make a difference in this world. I don’t have to change it and I don’t have to have my name in lights but I have to be for others what I never got. I have to be the one who encourages and inspires. The other week in therapy I saw this drive, this light in my therapist’s eyes that reminded me so much of myself. The more emotional I got the more drive she showed. The more tears that flowed the more encouraging and more energy she showed. This is me..i saw me in the eyes of a skinny white girl in those pointy brown heals of hers. That day I thought we connected. I saw the reason she wants to be a therapist, it’s the same reason I want to be a good friend. I can inspire when others crumble. I can give off energy when the other person's light has defused. I don’t get paid for it with money (I could use some right now) and I don’t get much support in return but I do it because it makes me happy. It’s a drive of mine. I have to offer hope and compassion to those who may need a little boost. I suppose that is also why this journal is on the web. I want people to see that someone else struggles, that someone else feels like a flub up, someone else feels low, angry, tired and fed up but just like them. I want people to know how much we are all alike. We are all so afraid that we are the worst person in the world. We feel we will never be known for who we really are or we fear we will be known for who we think we are. I want people to know they are not alone in their thoughts.
I also want people to know that life is not a one sided deal. Things are neither 100% bad nor 100% good. The scales are off balance, trust me, they are way off balance. But what keeps me going and keeps me out of my head is reaching out to others and telling them to keep going forward. When I feel good about reaching out then the scales tip more in my favor. I hadn’t been reading journals. I hadn’t been emailing friends. I was inside my head and that is not the best place to be all alone.