I saw him today. he’s overwhelmed by… well, everything….we’re okay though. at least I got to look at him to see what the expression on his face was. if I can’t look at him then I cant tell what he’s feeling. I like to try and read body language. I got to do that today and everything seemed fine. it’s what I said it was, his son, his jobs, his ex-wife, bills, his dog passing 5 months ago and the holiday season. I think he’s missing his mother too. he may be fearing the passing of his father as well. why can’t guys just talk? and say what they feel? why do women have to pull it out of them? I don’t understand it. hell, why didn’t I just stick with girls? I could have avoided the whole thing! but no! I had to venture into uncharted territory.
I told a friend today that the reason women were made was because after God made man he looked at him and said, “Well…that’s not gonna work!” Vuala, women had to be created to balance out men. It had to be that way. I mean, he could work the earth and what not but dont ask him to feel something and express it cause well, that is beyond the ability of men. yes, men are from mars and women are from everywhere else. the only planet that men come from is Mars. they haven’t ventured out because it might be too un-manly to do so. Lord! I’m whipped. I’m whipped I tell ya, just whipped.
Therapy was a bomb for me cause I switched on her. Dang it! a little one was out for a bit then Morton popped up for a half a second and told her he didn’t want to talk anymore. Man, it was hard keeping him from throwing shit. He wanted to throw shit so badly. And the look in his eye can be very frightening. I can feel the heat behind my eyes when he’s upset.
Monday, December 19, 2005
I'm dissociating like when I was little. I needed to tell my mother what my sister was doing to me when she wasn’t home. I hated what she was doing and I planned to tell her when she got home but when she came in whatever it was I need to tell her was gone. When she walked past the door that lead to the back half of the house everything I needed to say was gone.Today with Mic, I had so much I wanted to say and I knew how I wanted to say it but if he called me right now he would hear nothing from me. I wouldn’t know what to say because now it’s gone. It’s just gone. I know I’ve stuffed this someplace but where I don’t know.
I'm going to therapy today but I'm not taking a cab. I'm going with my friend UK. She’s got an appointment next door so I'm just going to ride with her. She lives down the street. I figure since I'd pay a buck for the cab I’ll just give the buck to her to help with parking.
I'd like to call up what happened but part of me worries that if I do that I’ll not be able to get myself back. UK doesn’t know my dx so its not like I can afford to switch in her presence. I look different today anyway. I have on make up. I'm sure she’ll notice that but hopefully she wont make a big deal about it. I wear it a lot but I don’t know if I’ve worn it around her or not.
A friend and I were talking about how sometimes we pretend that everything is okay but really we’re seething inside because we want to scream at who ever it is we’re with. This is the case with Mic. I want to scream but again I can’t recall what I want to scream about. I just have this urge to throw shit and break up shit. I'm more pissed than I can say.
You know what? I’ve been wondering, am I not jeolous enough? Am I too independent? Do I look too young? Is it me? Is it him? Am I too willing to believe it’s me? Or is it that he just can’t let himself be happy? This is the only man that would actually say out loud that the man that saved that baby that was dropped from the window could go from hero to zero in seconds. He said had he dropped the baby he’d have been the biggest looser in the world. Well, he didn’t drop the baby. The point is, he didn’t drop the baby. He caught him. that’s what made the news but damn Mic can turn a tear jerker into a fuckin horror film. This man is happy with nothing! I mean nothing! He has never had a good day since I’ve known him.
Is he tired of me? Do I not thrill him anymore? He use to call me after a date to say he had a good time. Now he drops me off at the door and I don’t hear from him. hell, that’s when I did see him. I haven’t seen his ass since November. That’s fucked up. I mean really fucked up. And to call him is risking him answering with some stupid ass comment like, “what do you want?” or not answering at all and then I'm feeling like, why the fuck and I wasting my goddamn time? Then I have to wonder, am I takeing this all wrong? Of course that’s followed by, why am I so willing to believe that the problem is with me? He needs to stop fuckin calling me Princess too. mother fucker. I got your dam princess. What the fuck is that? princess! Fuck that. my name is Austin. Don’t fuckin call me Princess mother fucker!
Morton of Morton’s Pride
You're a bastard. A bastard. I'd like to see him face to face to see what the fuck his problem is. I have no idea why I haven't REALLY seen him since November. That's craZness. He hung up on me today. What the fuck is that about? It would be different if I actually knew what the hell he was thinking. Acutally, instead of writing this on the journal I should tell him. This is bullshit.