The People Behind My Eyes

I’m worried about facing him tomorrow after I told him today that I wasn’t happy with the way the house is looking. I told him that I couldn’t bring people in here to see how the kitchen looks. He looked puzzled and asked me what was so wrong with the kitchen. I told him that I didn’t understand why he doesn’t just turn the garbage disposal on instead of dumping garbage in the sink and leaving it in the hole to the disposal. Why cant he just turn it on? I told him that I was able to keep a handle on how the kitchen looked but lately its been getting away from me. He wanted to know what was so bad. Despite the fact that there is spilled food all over the kitchen table, despite the fact that there are more leaves on our kitchen floor than there are on the trees, despite the fact that he hasn’t done a dish since I’ve been here he still doesn’t understand what I mean by how the kitchen has gotten out of hand. So I told him. I was very tame and reserved, not overly passionate, no elevated tone or anything like that. I said what I had to say and waited for a reply but he didn’t have one. So now I’m wondering if he’s planning on kicking my ass out. its winter time. I should hold my irritations until summer. At least then I wont freeze to death if I get kicked out. Mic isn’t going to let me sleep out side. I know that but the thought of getting evicted for telling him he’s too messy would be a blow to my ego that I just don’t think I could handle right now. Now right now! I’m too busy feeling fat and unattractive. I can’t take another ego blow. The blow would be to my state of mind. He must think I’m crazy when I complained about half eaten tomatoes and tomatoe juice on the kitchen table. He must have thought I was crazy when I pointed to the fact that he has papers on the kitchen table, the dining room table and in ever frikin cubby hole in the kitchen. He looked puzzled, lost even. He was very confused and was looking around the room trying to figure out what on earth I was talking about.

There is this thing called undercurrent that will take a situation from mild and throw it into a frenzy. Lord! In this respect, the undercurrent is my fault. I’ve been pissed for awhile now. I’ve been pissed by the way he keeps house. I’ve been pissed that there are more cob webs than in a vampire’s house. I’ve been pissed that nothing bothers him at all. Not spiders, the yard, the house, nothing! He feels that leaving fresh fruit… he leaves shit in the middle of the floor. When I go in the kitchen there will be unpacked grocery bags sitting in the middle of the fucking floor. I’ve about killed myself on them several times… he borrowed a freezer bag and you know where it was? When he came back he left it outside in the cooler. It’s been on the porch for days. I went out there and got it. Argg…God! He thinks its funny that fruit flies gather around his left out mangos. He says they don’t bother anything and the spiders will keep the population down. I’m thinking, so will throwing out the garbage. He just wants to go hiking 3 days a week, twice on those days. Everything else is … it’s nothing to him. It’s nothing. My area is so nice. I can’t believe the difference between my area and his. I guess because I care about it. I want it to be presentable. For him, presentable means that ….. you know… when he caught a mouse with a trap he left the damn little thing laying on the kitchen floor for hours. I had to tell him to come and clean up the mouse because he was bleeding on the kitchen floor. Who the hell is supposed to be able to cook with a damn dead mouse bleeding next to them. Its craziness. Lord, and don’t get me started on the fact that he saves everything!!! My God! He saves every milk carton, every pop bottle, every container to everything. On trash day I have to sneak shit out to the trash can so we can make room for other shit. But I have to do it so he doesn’t realize that its gone. But still, he isn’t sure why I said anything to him about the condition of the shared space. I wrote him a message on a post it note back in August. Dont you know he still has it. Its still sitting on the kitchen table. this is fucked up.

The only difference between now and having a college roommate is that he’s not a girl. Damn! It’s like college all over again. Those damn friggin life style differences that make you want to pull your hair out…or their hair out. god! And don’t ask expect him to say thank you for anything.

I need to stop before I go out and strange his skinny ass. He looks like Barney Fife. My goodness! Where’s your pal Gomer or was it Goober? Asshole!

Heavy sigh…counting 1..2..3. I feel the anger leaving me. 4….5….5 ½ the anger is still not totally leaveing me. 5 ¾ …..

I need to be able to separate the mother issues, the flashbacks and the nightmares from the situation with the Andy Griffith Show reject. I need to concentrate on how to keep them separate so that he only gets the suage that’s intitled to him. for me, for my emotional progress and my self respect I have to be able to keep control and not spill anger on him. sooo…. I’ll just do it on my journal. I think cyberspace and handle my rants and raves. I don’t have to worry about not being able to take a slam or a slur back. There is never a time I’ll have to apologize because I’ve said too much and crossed the line. It’s safer to rant and rave here because I can process out before I actually speak. After all, that’s what I would have loved for my mother to do before opening her mouth. I intend to learn from the mistakes and the crimes of others.

I need a drink. If I were a drinker I’d be tore down by now. … just sloppy drunk.. fallin out, slurring, peein my pants drunk. Damn, how come I never took up that bad habit? She’s I guess I learned from the mistakes of others….. damn me and my level head.