If the anger associated with PMS were a crime I'd be on death row.I am angry and irritable today. This means the phone will be off the hook so that I dont snap at anyone.
Monthly Archive for December, 2005
Page 3 of 8
Sleep deprivation I’d like to go to sleep but there is so much to get done. I’ve done nothing but sleep today. I guess the last few nights with only 2 hours per night of sleep has taken its toll. I slept hard too. This means that no laundry got done and the dog didnt get washed. I’m also unsure of all that I’ve done because I went to sleep in the middle of the day. Sometimes when I’m that tired staying up feels like my mind is going to break. Like I’m going to go crazy or something. Instead of falling to pieces I just laid down. I haven’t made phone calls or anything. I did bake a turkey pot pie that turned out pretty well.
Oh, and I did some work to post the recipe on my other journal Food For The Fragmented Mind. I’m hoping to get that up tomorrow. I’m trying to take it easy because it feels like I’m teetering on the edge of a friggin break down. I’ve also come to the conclusion that I am dealing with seasonal depression. is this a good reason to move back to Texas? Sheshh.. better reason than anything I’ve come up with.I’m so sleep deprived that I’ve begun hallucinating. I keep seeing things run across the room. There’s nothing there. This happens when I’ve gone 4 days with very little sleep. I’ve had insomnia since I was a child. I use to deal with it well but I think the lack of sleep has taken its toll on my body and my immune system. I noticed when I turned 30 that I get colds easier. I never get colds or the flu but when I turned 30, after years of sleep deprivation that tore at my immune system, I picked up flu viruses like a bum picks up cans.
I’ll tell ya what else has changed, my joints. Goodness, after all those years of sleeping in the snow, on the ground, under trees and shit like that, my body can’t take much anymore. I get tired easily now. My joints hurt like I’m 65 years old. My hands aren’t able to grip a paint brush or a pencil without pain. I can’t hold a camera steady to hold a picture. They shake and sometimes jerk. I have a feeling that all the moving on my own (heavy furntirue) and sleeping outside, not sleeping inside has taken a toll on me for the worse. I’m supposed to be 34 but my body says I’m 65.
My every thought trails the ideals of my mother. I hear her louder than I hear anything else. Her spittings, her lies, her humiliating comments drag in front of my every thought and action. What I eat, what I put on, who I date, the colours on this journal, the colours in my home, it’s all affected in some way by that woman!
Austin of Sundrip Journals said…
I find that many of my friends that celebrate the holidays long for a good family to spend it with. I have to say that I cannot relate because I have never, ever celebrated any holiday, including my birthday so I do not long for family at these times or long for what it should have been. These days are like any other day for me. this is why I have no idea what to say to you to incourage you or add a little light to your heart. I’m not usually low on words but in this subject I am. I have no emotional attachment to the holidays and no tradition-based memories or nightmares. I suppose that this could show that they really are just days of the week, of the year, in time. time passes but memories do not. Make new ones, if you celebrate these things make new memories for yourself or the old ones will choke out the chance of new ones.
i dont know if that is too simplistic. I hope its not.
your friend,
Aussie
|
24 December 2005 12:20 Midnight Saturday
I'm putting off sleep again. I talked to Mic around 11:30 PM. There were more people laid off at his job. They got a pink slip FRIDAY just before the so-called Christian holiday. My goodness, that is cold hearted. “Merry Christmas, here’s a stocking stuffer for ya.” Goodness.
Well, I don’t celebrate this holiday but he’s coming over tomorrow to bring some biscuits and what not for Cappy. Tonight I told him I didn’t buy him anything. He said he doesn’t need anything. He said he has all he needs, me and Cappy. I immediately withdrew. Damn, I have to clean the house so he can come in tomorrow. Damn! Goodness, I wanted to be lazy again.
I might actually make it to bed before 5am tonight. I've not made it to bed before that time in awhile. The last few nights I’ve gotten 3 hours tops. I think I went to bed at 7am and got up at noon. I’ve been tired all day.
Lots of OCD issues today. I had a light screw driver type drink earlier. I usually don’t drink. That bottle of Gin has been in the cupboard for God only knows how long. It’s been a good 2 months I'm sure. It’s not even half gone yet and the bottle is only like 8 oz. I bought it for a recipe, lavender and gin ice. I still haven’t made it yet, obviously. But, I was making an orange juice smoothie and decided to throw a bit of gin in it. I measured it with the cap on the bottle thus the name “light screw driver.” Ice, orange juice, a cap full of gin and a tad bit of sugar, it was very good actually.
Well, I think I’ll call it an early night. I know it’s 12:30 midnight but for me that’s early. I haven’t even looked at my email today. Goodness. I’ve not read any journals or anything outside myself. Goodness!
Austin |
Just messin' around today. I got a nice hot shower and made the basic baked chicken dinner with rice on the side and a bit of broccoli. I can't think if I've done anything else today. Oh, I talked to Jersey Girl on the phone and I talked to Slave Girl also. I told her I was upset about our relationship. It's one of those things that gets under my skin. I'm trying to understand why it's so easy to screw people over and think nothing of it.
________Robert. _________
10:30PM
I did some art work w/ Microsoft Picture It Publish It. I love that program but truthfully, I'd like to get one that gives me more image effects.
I talked to my flight attendant friend that I'll give the tag name Flyer Girl. I was telling her that the reason I only have pics of me on my journal is because I dont want to post anyone's face on here. This journal gives a lot of information about my inner self in detail that turns most extroverted people off. I'm rather introverted to tell you the truth. Anyway though, I try to keep the privacy of others in tact. That's also why everyone I talk about has a tag name. I never, ever mention anyone's real name on this journal or any web journal I've ever taken part in. The boyfriends name isn't even on here.
I get kind of worried that people will wonder why all the art work is of me and why all the photos are of me. I didnt really worry about it until I read about the boy that killed his girlfriend's parents. It seems that all the pictures on his blog were of him. I'm not a killer by any means, just a woman trying to walk away from a horrible past into a managable future.
A Hundred Miles Away
I have hope in a happy ending when
Music offers melodies that I’ve never heard before
And the sky is whisked with a peaceful portrait of blue.
The wind blows and carries the smell of a bush with roses
When it’s silent and my heart is undisturbed and light
But never do I find peace when my eyes are open and
I see my mother standing before me
Even though she’s a hundred miles away.
When the turntable has played the same song again and again and again
When I’m pacing back and forth, on the verge of screaming
When I’m willing to sacrifice my physical well being with razors of anger
When I gasp myself awake from a night full of terror,
It’s always
It’s always the same fear, the same shame, and the same immobilizing dread
When I think about being within my mother’s reach
Even when she’s a hundred miles away.
Locked doors
Set alarms that activate a light just because the wind has blown too hard
The chain on my bedroom door
The shirts that reach below my fingers
The hats that cover a face that would show the retreat of one who was once ready for this battle
I hide. I wait.
It’s always the little things.
It’s always the colour of a car or the braids in a young girls hair
It’s when the clock hits 3 or when a fork holds a meal that I didn’t sweat for
It’s when I give a panicked spin to see who tapped me
When my arms are wrapped around me and I rock back and forth
When my mind is about to break and I don’t even try to fight it.
It’s when I have no more breath to keep going
When all options are spent and all feats impossible
When all I want is to never see the look on her face or the sound of her voice
In my dreams or in my head
That’s when a hundred miles away comes blasting through the barrel of a gun
To bring me to a happy ending
Of music and skies blue, and rose bushes that carry the aroma of peace.
Austin’s Arrow
March 9, 2005
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