Monthly Archive for January, 2006

Toot Toot

Published
by
Austin
on January 31, 2006
in General Chatter and Therapy
. 0 Comments

Tuesday, January 31, 2006
11:31 PM

I have to toot my own horn again. Dinner tonight was fantastic. I kinda went all out this time. I don’t usually have soup first but I went ahead and made fresh potato soup. I made enough for 2 small servings but I only ate one. I baked 2 chops (one for me and one for Cappy) along with carrots and green beans. I cut up some celary and onion and put them between the two chops to bake. I put the carrots and beans in the pan and covered it with foil and let it bake. My goodness. I think I out did myself. That was really good. I should maybe send this to my therapist cause she doesn’t think we take a compliment very well. I guess I cant take a compliment but ya know, when I'm good I'm good. Tonight was pretty dang good.

I usually don’t enjoy my own cooking. I get raves all the time from people that eat it. Barney likes it, most people do but I'm usually not a fan of my own cooking. The last couple of meals I’ve really, really enjoyed. I haven’t picked it apart and thrashed myself with negativity saying this or that could have been better. And of course I ended the meal with coffee. I watched God Send too. I love that movie. It almost seems like I'm watching it for the first time even thought I’ve seen it a bunch of times. I’ve watched Dr. DoLittle a hundred times over but I laugh each time as if it was the first. I have a feeling that I’ve switched during the movie and that only some of us have seen it. What time happens for me doesn’t always happen for the others. That would be one reason why I was grasping at straws to try and come up with the content of the conversation between No One and the therapist the other day. She says it was yesterday. I have to take her word for it.

Joan of Arc

State of Address - And What State We Are In

Published
by
Austin
on January 31, 2006
in General Chatter
. 1 Comment
Well, Super Cop is doing security for the Governor and some big shot judge tonight. I think they might be watching the State of The Union or something. I don’t know. I don’t like the new Governor cause the jackass seems to have a problem with weight and smokers. I happen to be a fat smoker. He doesn’t just seem concerned about weight, he seems obsessed with it. The commercials he’s put out aren’t anything but fuel for those who laugh at us. He proposed the other day to increase tax on cig’s by 25 cents per pack. It didn’t pass, thank goodness! It seems that this state is becoming like the Republic of Massachusetts. It’s just about as bad here when it comes to smoking and other things that say, Californian’s take for granted. LOL.

A friend of mine says that if we Midwesterners knew half of the stuff Bush does we’d flip. Evidently he choked on a pretzel and had to go to the emergency room. Okay then! And he fell off his bicycle too. Poor oaf. I hear he talks to God and God talks back. Maybe God calls him from Mars and tells George that George should explore the possibility of moving to Mars. In my opinion, this recovering alcoholic psychotic moron is already on Mars! There are few times in my life that I’ve looked at a man, a human being and thought to myself, this man is a fool. When I see George Bush I see a fool. When I look at our Governor I see a man with some serious issues. I don’t see a fool, just a man I wouldn’t even consider guarding. God bless ya Mic. With the proper training I could do what you are doing but, well, I wouldn’t.

I was quite impressed with the T today. She has a social conscience. It’s not that I didn’t think she did, we just never touched on anything like that before. I was quite impressed.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006-11:15 PM

Joan of Arc

Healthy Levels Of Insanity

Published
by
Austin
on January 30, 2006
in General Chatter
. 1 Comment
So I got an email from Chocolate Girl about Healthy Levels of Insanity
These are the things I would actually do if the opportunity presented itself.

1. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
2. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Sexual Favors.”
3. Finish All Your Sentences With “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”
4. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
7. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In The Mood.
8. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, “Rock Hard.”
9. Tell Your Children Over Dinner “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”

This one’s not funny cause those little bastards get out all the time. Hell, I’ve seen those shows, “When Bears Attack” and “When Elephants Go Wild”, “When Koala Bears Drink and Climb”. No, I dont want to cry wolf cause when the lions really do get out and start chewing up everybody … well, it’s not like I’ll be there to alert anyone cause I know the very day I go to the zoo that’ll be the day when the lions get loose. heck, Morton use to stare them down in their cage.
Oh, yes. They’d recognize us. We’re not behind electrified wires now, come on with your bad self Morty, Mort!. Lord, those lions would be looking for Morton’s Pride. So, nope, we don’t go to the zoo anymore. Morton ruined that for us. Sheshh…staring the things down. That’s just crazy. He is out of his damn mind.
But, we would page us over the intercom or write on our rent check, “for sexual favors.” We might have to do that this month. I’ll let you know how Barney reacts. If he notices that is…he might not even notice what it says in that section.
Joan of Arc
Just Keep Smiling

Tell Me Where It Hurts

Published
by
Austin
on January 30, 2006
in Mental Health and Morton's Pride
. 0 Comments

Our day
Monday, January 30, 2006
12:45 PM

I smoke more when I’m stressed out or bored or angry or well, I guess I smoke when ever I feel anything I don’t want to feel. I keep thinking that if I put something in my body it’ll cover up or even drowned out these heavy emotions. It never does. I buy something small for myself to feel better. I do for a little while but it’s short lived.I spent a little time with UK today. We went to Wally World and got one of those Wick Air Freshener things that sprays every 9, 18 or 36 min. I like lavender so I got that one. She got some kind of Island Breeze but I don’t like that smell. I prefer the floral types and things like sandalwood aromas. That Island Breeze crap has to go! So, I set up the little spray machine and hope that my house will smell like lavender soon.

I’m looking forward to this spring. I want to grow lavender as well as herbs and some flowers. Of course I’ll be doing sunflowers. I have to do some where I can see them out my bedroom window. I’ve never grown them before so I’ll have to look up some info on how to care for them. I can’t wait though. I love to garden. I hate the worms but other than that I like to garden. I think it’s quite relaxing, the pruning and the attention you give them. It’s been years since I’ve had a garden. When I lived in Kentucky I had a small garden. I can’t remember if I grew anything in Florida or anywhere else I’ve lived. I can’t remember.

Gracie got her tags the other day. She looks so pretty in them. Her collar is a cobalt blue to match the vaccination tag. She looks so pretty. She’s all fluffy and stuff. So sweet. A couple of people have told me to use wood chips for litter. It’s the same cost as the Wally World brand I buy. The Special Kitty is the same price and I know that it does a good job. I can’t smell anything when I use it. I bought some brand because it was all I could get at the time but man; it doesn’t do very good at keeping the smell down. UK has 5 cats, 3 dogs and a huge fish tank but you can’t smell any of them. She doesn’t even have hair all over her clothes like I do. LOL. Her house is a regular zoo I tell ya, just a zoo. She’s trying to pawn off a kitten on me but for the last few months I’ve been telling her no. She’s trying to find him a home at the pet shop down the street. Poor little guy. She just bought one from there 3 weeks ago. This girl has the cleanest house of anyone I’ve ever known, then to have a zoo too just makes this girl look like wonder woman.

No One talked to our therapist this morning. He/she (neither male nor female, no name, no identity, thus no one) answered the phone which isn’t normal because only Joan answers the phone. Since we knew it was her I guess “he” thought it was okay. He still heard about it though cause Joan is the only one that is allowed to answer the phone. I don’t know. No One was rather confused by what the therapist was saying because he wasn’t the one that wrote the entry or sent her the email about Joan not liking her. He did tell the therapist that we are struggling with the death of our friend Vm*. When we were talking to her a tear rolled down our cheek. We were embarrassed by it.

We have no experience with death at all. I mean, we lost our great-grandmother in 85 but other than that we have no experience with this. I remember crying when the grandmother died. I also remember my mother and sister laughing because the child they called heartless cried so hard about losing someone. Evidently it was funny to see me, their heartless one, pretend to have emotions as if I were human and equal to them. I usually only cried on command, when it was required and as a way to appease her so she’d stop hitting me. if I didn’t at least flip around and act hurt she would spend a lot more time waling on me and breaking those dowel rods across my little body. So yeah, I cried on command but not on that day. So, other than the death of my great-grandmother in ’85 I have no experience with death. It seems recently people are dropping like flies. Then to almost lose Gracie like that just seemed to throw me over the edge.

Last night it felt like if I could come up with some sort of issue, some sort of crisis I could distract myself from what I’m feeling right now. I can’t even put this into words. I don’t really have the words to describe how I’m feeling. I just know I don’t like this. It’s a constant dread, an overwhelming sadness and grief squeezed into a flaming ball of fire that’s locked inside my heart and trying to escape through my eyes. I suppose that if there was any way to describe it that would be it.

Austin’s August

Sunday, January 29, 2006
7:03 PM

I’ve eaten.
I hate using the restroom. The lights are kept off so I cant see anything in the room while I’m going. I do that all the time. I’ve done it for years. I shower in the dark, bathe in the dark, everything.
My hygiene has been good. Years ago I’d go up to a month or longer without showering. I get a shower or a bath almost daily now. I prefer baths because I can control the water better. There’s less sound to a bath also.
I’ve got to go lie down again.

Maureen

Just Keep Smiling

Published
by
Austin
on January 30, 2006
in General Chatter
. 0 Comments

I have this monkey on my back…he answers to the name Life.
And Life has me all held up………..
I feel robbed
And overwhelmed by everything on my plate.

But I try to keep smiling an ….. and keep my cool cause if I don’t I just might show the world what this big cat is capable of.
And I don’t want to have to get ugly.
So I’ll keep smiling FOR NOW !!!

for today

Published
by
Austin
on January 29, 2006
in General Chatter
. 0 Comments

the plan is to realize that i’m in a funk and not to push people away or try to use reason in any way. my reason is off right now. my tracking is off. i’m having difficulty seeing the real picture through all the fuzz.

i think being alone with my thoughts in this state is both good and bad. being alone with my thoughts means i have time to process things incorrectly after viewing them from a fuzzy picture. being alone with my thoughts means i can’t shove improper motives on otherwise straight people.

i feel like i’m losing my mind here. the worrying. constantly thinking. its exhausting.

Maureen

Published
by
Austin
on January 29, 2006
in General Chatter
. 0 Comments

i’m a tad bit on the paranoid side.
part of me wants to tell this man to go away.
i realize i’m pushing people away.
i’m angry.
reading over entries i realized that i have more anger issues than i realized.
i’m putting off sleep. why on earth would i want to go to bed. my goodness. its that same damn dream over and over again. i just want to start screaming and throwing things.
i’m worried that i’m losing it here. i’m worried that its all me and that i’m just sick. i need to vomit.
i’m afraid.

Maureen

What Part Do You Not Get?

Published
by
Austin
on January 28, 2006
in Borderline Personality Disorder, Soapbox and Therapy
. 0 Comments


Saturday, January 28, 2006
1:44 PM

When I go to therapy she asks me how I’m doing. My answer is always, “I’m okay.” I’m not sure if I’m supposed to give the real answer of, “I’m running on empty but other than that I’m good.” I suppose that would be an acceptable answer but in my opinion, I’d still be seen as strong. I can’t get past that appearance of having what it takes to see this recovery through. I have days and moments when I think I’ll survive. I have moments when I think I’ve improved and that life is getting better. I mean, I suppose it has but not to the point where I’m happy even once a week. I suppose that’s one of the reasons I started that Good Memories Jar. I can put good moments in this little jar and pull them out to revisit days when I felt happiness.I hate it when she tells me that it sounds like things are going okay or that it sounds like I’m doing pretty well. Where have you been? Where on God’s green earth have you been? Are we in the same therapy sessions? Am I giving off positive energy, energy that says I can keep going at this pace? I know she’s going to tell me that I have to tell her how I feel and that she’s not a mind reader. No, she’s not a mind reader but she must be blind and Deaf because for the last few months I’ve been telling her about the nightmares, flashbacks, depression and things along that line. I hear about how good my coping skills are. I don’t know! I’ve been turning in these forms that I call, Getting to Know Me. I made them so that I could get to know my symptoms better, thus, getting to know who I am and what I feel. (If you’d like a blank copy of this form leave a comment and I’ll email it to you.) . Click the picture for a larger view of what’s on the form. You can add to or take away according to your personal symptoms. Symptoms are divided between AM and PM and are on a scale of 1 thru 10 with 10 being the worst and 1 being the best. When I didnt have the symptom I left the spot empty. Weather conditions are included to see if the winter months have been affecting my mood.)

I have a feeling that I’m more than frustrated with this woman. I realized that there are major, major things that were looked over and passed over that should have been touched on and worked through. In one week I lost three friends to death. I almost lost my cat and to me, that hurt is still very close to the surface. The last friend that died, I can’t bring myself to delete her email address. I’m not ready to let her go yet. And now another friend battles brain cancer and probably wont be here to see spring.

We planned to talk about issues surrounding the abuse of my brother and sister. I got together a safety plan and some coping skills so that when a crisis came up I was covered. I got to thinking about the oblivion this woman seems to live in when it comes to my treatment. At this point, I’m not willing to throw myself into an emotional cesspool with someone Deaf and Blind holding the life buoy.

A lot of times her approach is too clinical. It’s rigid and constrictive. Her statements seem to close conversations and make me feel like the subjects are no longer open for further exploration. Perhaps the saying, “with that said,” is simply a bridge to their next statement and not a closed door on the subject. Either way, I’m not willing to frustrate myself or fly solo on something as heavy as discussing the abuse of my brother and sister.

My brother’s 21st birthday is Valentines Day. I haven’t spoken to him in months. I have his cell number. I know what college he goes to. I haven’t visited his online journals in awhile though. I can not touch this right now. I simply can not touch it.

I’m willing to show up for maintenance and to touch base with someone. I’m not willing to go into something this important just to not be heard. I’m tired of struggling with this therapist and coming home to wonder why on earth I keep going back. I do not believe the entire problem is me. I know I have strong transference issues but there are things that should have been caught by a therapist that were not. The death of three friends in one week is something that any therapist would have touched on and not pushed to the background. Almost losing a kitten is more than a one session deal. Being a student or a licensed therapist has nothing to do with the basic and common knowledge that death and loss are big issues.Now that I think about it, it may be best to simply wait for the next assigned student to come in March. I can’t remember if she leaves in March or July. I’ll have to call on Monday and find out.

Austin

entry sent to therapist

Cheers

Published
by
Austin
on January 27, 2006
in General Chatter
. 0 Comments
Dinner is always a big deal for me. I guess I just enjoy a nice meal. Atmosphere is important too so I set the table for every single meal I eat. How I eat now has a lot to do with how I ate as a child. We ate out all the time. Most meals were eaten at a sit down restaurant where they discouraged jeans and T-shirts. She hardly ever cooked. When she did it was nasty. The woman couldn’t cook for the world. We ate out if we ate at all. It’s kind of funny; we either starved or dined exquisitely. There was hardly ever a balance in that house. It seems today that I am driven to eat at home and at my own table. The woman who brought in 120K a year was also the woman that owned a few forks and a few plates and used frozen orange juice cans for cups. I don’t know how you balance that either or how you blend sleeping in a car with yearly ski trips to Switzerland. There was no such thing as balance in the house I once lived in.

Today, all meals are events, experiences and celebrations. I enjoy taking the time to mix the right amount of herbs with the right amount of olive oil. I enjoy taking the time to fix my plate even when it’s “just” a tuna on rye. Today I can express what I couldn’t long ago, joy while eating. I think I have a festive spirit. I’m not rowdy or even a partier by any means, but a nice celebration of the moment is what I intend to put on my plate each time my soul is hungry. Yesterday, meals were the result of a break in her insanity which allowed her to see the importance of feeding the living. Yesterday, meals were rewarded after we gave something in the form of sweat and tears.

This evening I made lasagna and ate at my own dining room table. There are candles on the table but I didn’t light them this time. I ate off of real plates, real silverware and enjoyed every single bite of it. To complete the experience, the celebration and the event I sipped a hot cup of coffee. To me, dinner isn’t complete unless I have coffee.

I had seconds because I wanted it, not because I didn’t know when I was going to eat again. I didn’t gorge. I didn’t attempt to cover up uncomfortable emotions with sauce and melted cheese. I didn’t abstain or deny myself a good meal based on old ideas of what one should do before being allowed to eat. I simply ate. In 2006 in my home, ate at my table, with my plates, forks, knives and my glass filled with iced tea. I drank Folgers from my favorite coffee mug. I added chocolate and almond extract to it and then topped it off with cream. I don’t have to deserve it. The word deserve isnt welcome in my home, in my kitchen, on my table or on my plate.

Even though yesterday surrounds everything I do today, the fact remains, tonight’s meal was wonderful. Most of my meals these days are wonderful despite the past trying to blow out the candle light. It’s like eating dinner with a group of invisible people standing around the table, standing over your shoulder and looking you in the face so as to catch your eye. They’re standing by waiting to remind me that I didn’t work hard enough for that meal or that I look stupid, sound stupid, I am stupid. Tonight I knew the past was there but I didn’t look up. I just lifted my fork and stayed in the moment, in the here and now. The past is there. It’s around me and at every single turn but today I chose to enjoy the day and not give it the satisfaction of eye to eye contact. The past stands behind me, in front of me, to the side and to the left. It’s in every colour, every sunset and sunrise. I’m grateful for the times when I can enjoy life despite the efforts of the past to destroy my here and now. I’m grateful for times like tonight when the past wasn’t able to blow out my spiritual candle light.

Cheers,
Austin’s August

Friday, January 27, 2006
10:20 PM

We

Published
by
Austin
on January 27, 2006
in General Chatter
. 2 Comments

Wednesday, January 25, 2006
10:14 AM

Yesterday started off ugly, very ugly. The day got a lot better though and I’m happy about that. I just fooled around on the pc with some art. I played Bookworm on the net for I don’t know how long while listening to Napster. It’s the closest game to one man scrabble that I can find and I like it. I tend to play for too long and burn out quickly. I have to remember to stop playing so long so I don’t burn out on the game so fast. I usually play un-timed games because my response is slow when I’m dissociating. I have to say I often feel rushed when I’m watching the clock tick down and then sound off the “you’ve failed” bell with its flashing “loser” lights.

Well, I have to do the coffee thing and get on with my day.
Austin

Thursday, January 26, 2006
7:08 PM

I was surfing the net for new art ideas. I do that when I’m in a block like now. I seem to need to create all the time but sometimes I run out of fresh ideas.

Friday, January 27, 2006
1:08 AM

The mother’s favorite colour is gray.
We moved the furniture around today. It’s a tool to help us work off anxiety.
I could have easily slept all day long.
I went to the food pantry today. Hit gold mind.
Very dissociative. We played book worm together.
I talked to Mic for a little bit.
I didn’t eat today. I’m not really sure why.

Me