Monthly Archive for January, 2006

Toot Toot

Tuesday, January 31, 2006
11:31 PM

I have to toot my own horn again. Dinner tonight was fantastic. I kinda went all out this time. I don’t usually have soup first but I went ahead and made fresh potato soup. I made enough for 2 small servings but I only ate one. I baked 2 chops (one for me and one for Cappy) along with carrots and green beans. I cut up some celary and onion and put them between the two chops to bake. I put the carrots and beans in the pan and covered it with foil and let it bake. My goodness. I think I out did myself. That was really good. I should maybe send this to my therapist cause she doesn’t think we take a compliment very well. I guess I cant take a compliment but ya know, when I'm good I'm good. Tonight was pretty dang good.

I usually don’t enjoy my own cooking. I get raves all the time from people that eat it. Barney likes it, most people do but I'm usually not a fan of my own cooking. The last couple of meals I’ve really, really enjoyed. I haven’t picked it apart and thrashed myself with negativity saying this or that could have been better. And of course I ended the meal with coffee. I watched God Send too. I love that movie. It almost seems like I'm watching it for the first time even thought I’ve seen it a bunch of times. I’ve watched Dr. DoLittle a hundred times over but I laugh each time as if it was the first. I have a feeling that I’ve switched during the movie and that only some of us have seen it. What time happens for me doesn’t always happen for the others. That would be one reason why I was grasping at straws to try and come up with the content of the conversation between No One and the therapist the other day. She says it was yesterday. I have to take her word for it.

Joan of Arc

State of Address – And What State We Are In

Well, Super Cop is doing security for the Governor and some big shot judge tonight. I think they might be watching the State of The Union or something. I don’t know. I don’t like the new Governor cause the jackass seems to have a problem with weight and smokers. I happen to be a fat smoker. He doesn’t just seem concerned about weight, he seems obsessed with it. The commercials he’s put out aren’t anything but fuel for those who laugh at us. He proposed the other day to increase tax on cig’s by 25 cents per pack. It didn’t pass, thank goodness! It seems that this state is becoming like the Republic of Massachusetts. It’s just about as bad here when it comes to smoking and other things that say, Californian’s take for granted. LOL.

A friend of mine says that if we Midwesterners knew half of the stuff Bush does we’d flip. Evidently he choked on a pretzel and had to go to the emergency room. Okay then! And he fell off his bicycle too. Poor oaf. I hear he talks to God and God talks back. Maybe God calls him from Mars and tells George that George should explore the possibility of moving to Mars. In my opinion, this recovering alcoholic psychotic moron is already on Mars! There are few times in my life that I’ve looked at a man, a human being and thought to myself, this man is a fool. When I see George Bush I see a fool. When I look at our Governor I see a man with some serious issues. I don’t see a fool, just a man I wouldn’t even consider guarding. God bless ya Mic. With the proper training I could do what you are doing but, well, I wouldn’t.

I was quite impressed with the T today. She has a social conscience. It’s not that I didn’t think she did, we just never touched on anything like that before. I was quite impressed.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006-11:15 PM

Joan of Arc

Healthy Levels Of Insanity

So I got an email from Chocolate Girl about Healthy Levels of Insanity
These are the things I would actually do if the opportunity presented itself.

1. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
2. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Sexual Favors.”
3. Finish All Your Sentences With “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”
4. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
7. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In The Mood.
8. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, “Rock Hard.”
9. Tell Your Children Over Dinner “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”

This one’s not funny cause those little bastards get out all the time. Hell, I’ve seen those shows, “When Bears Attack” and “When Elephants Go Wild”, “When Koala Bears Drink and Climb”. No, I dont want to cry wolf cause when the lions really do get out and start chewing up everybody … well, it’s not like I’ll be there to alert anyone cause I know the very day I go to the zoo that’ll be the day when the lions get loose. heck, Morton use to stare them down in their cage.
Oh, yes. They’d recognize us. We’re not behind electrified wires now, come on with your bad self Morty, Mort!. Lord, those lions would be looking for Morton’s Pride. So, nope, we don’t go to the zoo anymore. Morton ruined that for us. Sheshh…staring the things down. That’s just crazy. He is out of his damn mind.
But, we would page us over the intercom or write on our rent check, “for sexual favors.” We might have to do that this month. I’ll let you know how Barney reacts. If he notices that is…he might not even notice what it says in that section.
Joan of Arc
Just Keep Smiling

Tell Me Where It Hurts

Our day
Monday, January 30, 2006
12:45 PM

I smoke more when I’m stressed out or bored or angry or well, I guess I smoke when ever I feel anything I don’t want to feel. I keep thinking that if I put something in my body it’ll cover up or even drowned out these heavy emotions. It never does. I buy something small for myself to feel better. I do for a little while but it’s short lived.I spent a little time with UK today. We went to Wally World and got one of those Wick Air Freshener things that sprays every 9, 18 or 36 min. I like lavender so I got that one. She got some kind of Island Breeze but I don’t like that smell. I prefer the floral types and things like sandalwood aromas. That Island Breeze crap has to go! So, I set up the little spray machine and hope that my house will smell like lavender soon.

I’m looking forward to this spring. I want to grow lavender as well as herbs and some flowers. Of course I’ll be doing sunflowers. I have to do some where I can see them out my bedroom window. I’ve never grown them before so I’ll have to look up some info on how to care for them. I can’t wait though. I love to garden. I hate the worms but other than that I like to garden. I think it’s quite relaxing, the pruning and the attention you give them. It’s been years since I’ve had a garden. When I lived in Kentucky I had a small garden. I can’t remember if I grew anything in Florida or anywhere else I’ve lived. I can’t remember.

Gracie got her tags the other day. She looks so pretty in them. Her collar is a cobalt blue to match the vaccination tag. She looks so pretty. She’s all fluffy and stuff. So sweet. A couple of people have told me to use wood chips for litter. It’s the same cost as the Wally World brand I buy. The Special Kitty is the same price and I know that it does a good job. I can’t smell anything when I use it. I bought some brand because it was all I could get at the time but man; it doesn’t do very good at keeping the smell down. UK has 5 cats, 3 dogs and a huge fish tank but you can’t smell any of them. She doesn’t even have hair all over her clothes like I do. LOL. Her house is a regular zoo I tell ya, just a zoo. She’s trying to pawn off a kitten on me but for the last few months I’ve been telling her no. She’s trying to find him a home at the pet shop down the street. Poor little guy. She just bought one from there 3 weeks ago. This girl has the cleanest house of anyone I’ve ever known, then to have a zoo too just makes this girl look like wonder woman.

No One talked to our therapist this morning. He/she (neither male nor female, no name, no identity, thus no one) answered the phone which isn’t normal because only Joan answers the phone. Since we knew it was her I guess “he” thought it was okay. He still heard about it though cause Joan is the only one that is allowed to answer the phone. I don’t know. No One was rather confused by what the therapist was saying because he wasn’t the one that wrote the entry or sent her the email about Joan not liking her. He did tell the therapist that we are struggling with the death of our friend Vm*. When we were talking to her a tear rolled down our cheek. We were embarrassed by it.

We have no experience with death at all. I mean, we lost our great-grandmother in 85 but other than that we have no experience with this. I remember crying when the grandmother died. I also remember my mother and sister laughing because the child they called heartless cried so hard about losing someone. Evidently it was funny to see me, their heartless one, pretend to have emotions as if I were human and equal to them. I usually only cried on command, when it was required and as a way to appease her so she’d stop hitting me. if I didn’t at least flip around and act hurt she would spend a lot more time waling on me and breaking those dowel rods across my little body. So yeah, I cried on command but not on that day. So, other than the death of my great-grandmother in ’85 I have no experience with death. It seems recently people are dropping like flies. Then to almost lose Gracie like that just seemed to throw me over the edge.

Last night it felt like if I could come up with some sort of issue, some sort of crisis I could distract myself from what I’m feeling right now. I can’t even put this into words. I don’t really have the words to describe how I’m feeling. I just know I don’t like this. It’s a constant dread, an overwhelming sadness and grief squeezed into a flaming ball of fire that’s locked inside my heart and trying to escape through my eyes. I suppose that if there was any way to describe it that would be it.

Austin’s August

Sunday, January 29, 2006
7:03 PM

I’ve eaten.
I hate using the restroom. The lights are kept off so I cant see anything in the room while I’m going. I do that all the time. I’ve done it for years. I shower in the dark, bathe in the dark, everything.
My hygiene has been good. Years ago I’d go up to a month or longer without showering. I get a shower or a bath almost daily now. I prefer baths because I can control the water better. There’s less sound to a bath also.
I’ve got to go lie down again.

Maureen

Just Keep Smiling

I have this monkey on my back…he answers to the name Life.
And Life has me all held up………..
I feel robbed
And overwhelmed by everything on my plate.

But I try to keep smiling an ….. and keep my cool cause if I don’t I just might show the world what this big cat is capable of.
And I don’t want to have to get ugly.
So I’ll keep smiling FOR NOW !!!

for today

the plan is to realize that i’m in a funk and not to push people away or try to use reason in any way. my reason is off right now. my tracking is off. i’m having difficulty seeing the real picture through all the fuzz.

i think being alone with my thoughts in this state is both good and bad. being alone with my thoughts means i have time to process things incorrectly after viewing them from a fuzzy picture. being alone with my thoughts means i can’t shove improper motives on otherwise straight people.

i feel like i’m losing my mind here. the worrying. constantly thinking. its exhausting.

Maureen

i’m a tad bit on the paranoid side.
part of me wants to tell this man to go away.
i realize i’m pushing people away.
i’m angry.
reading over entries i realized that i have more anger issues than i realized.
i’m putting off sleep. why on earth would i want to go to bed. my goodness. its that same damn dream over and over again. i just want to start screaming and throwing things.
i’m worried that i’m losing it here. i’m worried that its all me and that i’m just sick. i need to vomit.
i’m afraid.

Maureen