The People Behind My Eyes

Saturday, January 28, 2006
1:44 PM

When I go to therapy she asks me how I’m doing. My answer is always, “I’m okay.” I’m not sure if I’m supposed to give the real answer of, “I’m running on empty but other than that I’m good.” I suppose that would be an acceptable answer but in my opinion, I’d still be seen as strong. I can’t get past that appearance of having what it takes to see this recovery through. I have days and moments when I think I’ll survive. I have moments when I think I’ve improved and that life is getting better. I mean, I suppose it has but not to the point where I’m happy even once a week. I suppose that’s one of the reasons I started that Good Memories Jar. I can put good moments in this little jar and pull them out to revisit days when I felt happiness.I hate it when she tells me that it sounds like things are going okay or that it sounds like I’m doing pretty well. Where have you been? Where on God’s green earth have you been? Are we in the same therapy sessions? Am I giving off positive energy, energy that says I can keep going at this pace? I know she’s going to tell me that I have to tell her how I feel and that she’s not a mind reader. No, she’s not a mind reader but she must be blind and Deaf because for the last few months I’ve been telling her about the nightmares, flashbacks, depression and things along that line. I hear about how good my coping skills are. I don’t know! I’ve been turning in these forms that I call, Getting to Know Me. I made them so that I could get to know my symptoms better, thus, getting to know who I am and what I feel. (If you’d like a blank copy of this form leave a comment and I’ll email it to you.) . Click the picture for a larger view of what’s on the form. You can add to or take away according to your personal symptoms. Symptoms are divided between AM and PM and are on a scale of 1 thru 10 with 10 being the worst and 1 being the best. When I didnt have the symptom I left the spot empty. Weather conditions are included to see if the winter months have been affecting my mood.)

I have a feeling that I’m more than frustrated with this woman. I realized that there are major, major things that were looked over and passed over that should have been touched on and worked through. In one week I lost three friends to death. I almost lost my cat and to me, that hurt is still very close to the surface. The last friend that died, I can’t bring myself to delete her email address. I’m not ready to let her go yet. And now another friend battles brain cancer and probably wont be here to see spring.

We planned to talk about issues surrounding the abuse of my brother and sister. I got together a safety plan and some coping skills so that when a crisis came up I was covered. I got to thinking about the oblivion this woman seems to live in when it comes to my treatment. At this point, I’m not willing to throw myself into an emotional cesspool with someone Deaf and Blind holding the life buoy.

A lot of times her approach is too clinical. It’s rigid and constrictive. Her statements seem to close conversations and make me feel like the subjects are no longer open for further exploration. Perhaps the saying, “with that said,” is simply a bridge to their next statement and not a closed door on the subject. Either way, I’m not willing to frustrate myself or fly solo on something as heavy as discussing the abuse of my brother and sister.

My brother’s 21st birthday is Valentines Day. I haven’t spoken to him in months. I have his cell number. I know what college he goes to. I haven’t visited his online journals in awhile though. I can not touch this right now. I simply can not touch it.

I’m willing to show up for maintenance and to touch base with someone. I’m not willing to go into something this important just to not be heard. I’m tired of struggling with this therapist and coming home to wonder why on earth I keep going back. I do not believe the entire problem is me. I know I have strong transference issues but there are things that should have been caught by a therapist that were not. The death of three friends in one week is something that any therapist would have touched on and not pushed to the background. Almost losing a kitten is more than a one session deal. Being a student or a licensed therapist has nothing to do with the basic and common knowledge that death and loss are big issues.Now that I think about it, it may be best to simply wait for the next assigned student to come in March. I can’t remember if she leaves in March or July. I’ll have to call on Monday and find out.

Austin

entry sent to therapist