Monthly Archive for January, 2006

Page 2 of 9

What Part Do You Not Get?

Published on January 28, 2006 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Soapbox and Therapy. 0 Comments


Saturday, January 28, 2006
1:44 PM

When I go to therapy she asks me how I’m doing. My answer is always, “I’m okay.” I’m not sure if I’m supposed to give the real answer of, “I’m running on empty but other than that I’m good.” I suppose that would be an acceptable answer but in my opinion, I’d still be seen as strong. I can’t get past that appearance of having what it takes to see this recovery through. I have days and moments when I think I’ll survive. I have moments when I think I’ve improved and that life is getting better. I mean, I suppose it has but not to the point where I’m happy even once a week. I suppose that’s one of the reasons I started that Good Memories Jar. I can put good moments in this little jar and pull them out to revisit days when I felt happiness.I hate it when she tells me that it sounds like things are going okay or that it sounds like I’m doing pretty well. Where have you been? Where on God’s green earth have you been? Are we in the same therapy sessions? Am I giving off positive energy, energy that says I can keep going at this pace? I know she’s going to tell me that I have to tell her how I feel and that she’s not a mind reader. No, she’s not a mind reader but she must be blind and Deaf because for the last few months I’ve been telling her about the nightmares, flashbacks, depression and things along that line. I hear about how good my coping skills are. I don’t know! I’ve been turning in these forms that I call, Getting to Know Me. I made them so that I could get to know my symptoms better, thus, getting to know who I am and what I feel. (If you’d like a blank copy of this form leave a comment and I’ll email it to you.) . Click the picture for a larger view of what’s on the form. You can add to or take away according to your personal symptoms. Symptoms are divided between AM and PM and are on a scale of 1 thru 10 with 10 being the worst and 1 being the best. When I didnt have the symptom I left the spot empty. Weather conditions are included to see if the winter months have been affecting my mood.)

I have a feeling that I’m more than frustrated with this woman. I realized that there are major, major things that were looked over and passed over that should have been touched on and worked through. In one week I lost three friends to death. I almost lost my cat and to me, that hurt is still very close to the surface. The last friend that died, I can’t bring myself to delete her email address. I’m not ready to let her go yet. And now another friend battles brain cancer and probably wont be here to see spring.

We planned to talk about issues surrounding the abuse of my brother and sister. I got together a safety plan and some coping skills so that when a crisis came up I was covered. I got to thinking about the oblivion this woman seems to live in when it comes to my treatment. At this point, I’m not willing to throw myself into an emotional cesspool with someone Deaf and Blind holding the life buoy.

A lot of times her approach is too clinical. It’s rigid and constrictive. Her statements seem to close conversations and make me feel like the subjects are no longer open for further exploration. Perhaps the saying, “with that said,” is simply a bridge to their next statement and not a closed door on the subject. Either way, I’m not willing to frustrate myself or fly solo on something as heavy as discussing the abuse of my brother and sister.

My brother’s 21st birthday is Valentines Day. I haven’t spoken to him in months. I have his cell number. I know what college he goes to. I haven’t visited his online journals in awhile though. I can not touch this right now. I simply can not touch it.

I’m willing to show up for maintenance and to touch base with someone. I’m not willing to go into something this important just to not be heard. I’m tired of struggling with this therapist and coming home to wonder why on earth I keep going back. I do not believe the entire problem is me. I know I have strong transference issues but there are things that should have been caught by a therapist that were not. The death of three friends in one week is something that any therapist would have touched on and not pushed to the background. Almost losing a kitten is more than a one session deal. Being a student or a licensed therapist has nothing to do with the basic and common knowledge that death and loss are big issues.Now that I think about it, it may be best to simply wait for the next assigned student to come in March. I can’t remember if she leaves in March or July. I’ll have to call on Monday and find out.

Austin

entry sent to therapist

Cheers

Published on January 27, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments
Dinner is always a big deal for me. I guess I just enjoy a nice meal. Atmosphere is important too so I set the table for every single meal I eat. How I eat now has a lot to do with how I ate as a child. We ate out all the time. Most meals were eaten at a sit down restaurant where they discouraged jeans and T-shirts. She hardly ever cooked. When she did it was nasty. The woman couldn’t cook for the world. We ate out if we ate at all. It’s kind of funny; we either starved or dined exquisitely. There was hardly ever a balance in that house. It seems today that I am driven to eat at home and at my own table. The woman who brought in 120K a year was also the woman that owned a few forks and a few plates and used frozen orange juice cans for cups. I don’t know how you balance that either or how you blend sleeping in a car with yearly ski trips to Switzerland. There was no such thing as balance in the house I once lived in.

Today, all meals are events, experiences and celebrations. I enjoy taking the time to mix the right amount of herbs with the right amount of olive oil. I enjoy taking the time to fix my plate even when it’s “just” a tuna on rye. Today I can express what I couldn’t long ago, joy while eating. I think I have a festive spirit. I’m not rowdy or even a partier by any means, but a nice celebration of the moment is what I intend to put on my plate each time my soul is hungry. Yesterday, meals were the result of a break in her insanity which allowed her to see the importance of feeding the living. Yesterday, meals were rewarded after we gave something in the form of sweat and tears.

This evening I made lasagna and ate at my own dining room table. There are candles on the table but I didn’t light them this time. I ate off of real plates, real silverware and enjoyed every single bite of it. To complete the experience, the celebration and the event I sipped a hot cup of coffee. To me, dinner isn’t complete unless I have coffee.

I had seconds because I wanted it, not because I didn’t know when I was going to eat again. I didn’t gorge. I didn’t attempt to cover up uncomfortable emotions with sauce and melted cheese. I didn’t abstain or deny myself a good meal based on old ideas of what one should do before being allowed to eat. I simply ate. In 2006 in my home, ate at my table, with my plates, forks, knives and my glass filled with iced tea. I drank Folgers from my favorite coffee mug. I added chocolate and almond extract to it and then topped it off with cream. I don’t have to deserve it. The word deserve isnt welcome in my home, in my kitchen, on my table or on my plate.

Even though yesterday surrounds everything I do today, the fact remains, tonight’s meal was wonderful. Most of my meals these days are wonderful despite the past trying to blow out the candle light. It’s like eating dinner with a group of invisible people standing around the table, standing over your shoulder and looking you in the face so as to catch your eye. They’re standing by waiting to remind me that I didn’t work hard enough for that meal or that I look stupid, sound stupid, I am stupid. Tonight I knew the past was there but I didn’t look up. I just lifted my fork and stayed in the moment, in the here and now. The past is there. It’s around me and at every single turn but today I chose to enjoy the day and not give it the satisfaction of eye to eye contact. The past stands behind me, in front of me, to the side and to the left. It’s in every colour, every sunset and sunrise. I’m grateful for the times when I can enjoy life despite the efforts of the past to destroy my here and now. I’m grateful for times like tonight when the past wasn’t able to blow out my spiritual candle light.

Cheers,
Austin’s August

Friday, January 27, 2006
10:20 PM

We

Published on January 27, 2006 in For the Record. 2 Comments

Wednesday, January 25, 2006
10:14 AM

Yesterday started off ugly, very ugly. The day got a lot better though and I’m happy about that. I just fooled around on the pc with some art. I played Bookworm on the net for I don’t know how long while listening to Napster. It’s the closest game to one man scrabble that I can find and I like it. I tend to play for too long and burn out quickly. I have to remember to stop playing so long so I don’t burn out on the game so fast. I usually play un-timed games because my response is slow when I’m dissociating. I have to say I often feel rushed when I’m watching the clock tick down and then sound off the “you’ve failed” bell with its flashing “loser” lights.

Well, I have to do the coffee thing and get on with my day.
Austin

Thursday, January 26, 2006
7:08 PM

I was surfing the net for new art ideas. I do that when I’m in a block like now. I seem to need to create all the time but sometimes I run out of fresh ideas.

Friday, January 27, 2006
1:08 AM

The mother’s favorite colour is gray.
We moved the furniture around today. It’s a tool to help us work off anxiety.
I could have easily slept all day long.
I went to the food pantry today. Hit gold mind.
Very dissociative. We played book worm together.
I talked to Mic for a little bit.
I didn’t eat today. I’m not really sure why.

Me

breathe

Published on January 26, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments

Kitten Name Change: A Moment Of Paws

Published on January 25, 2006 in Gratitude Journal and Pets. 4 Comments

I have been considering changing the cats name ever since she had that close call with death. When she was seizing and had such bad tremors I remember thinking that it would be by grace that she lived. Since the day we knew realized she would make it through and live we’ve wanted to change her name to Petey’s Grace instead of Lake-a Gray Girl.

She is such a special girl. Before she almost died we weren’t that attached to her. I think it was the fight she put up that drew us to her as a living spirit and not just something soft to cuddle. She inspires me. Despite the fact that she was so dang ugly, her will to live was strong and beautiful. I wept and wept when I thought she might die. I held her little body gently when it was thrashing about and expected to feel her heart burst when her chest was cradled in my hand. I even thought to myself, if she is going to suffer like this it would be better for her to go now. When I thought that Little Gray lifted her head and looked up at me like, “who me?” That glance kind of took me back. She wasn’t in the throws of a seizure but she was weak. She lifted her head and looked at me almost as if she felt my spirit give up on her. It was an amazing moment that would affect decisions made in her best interest.

Those few days when it was touch and go changed my outlook on loosing a pet. It’s the closest I’ve ever come to it. For a moment I was wrapped up in myself because I knew I loved the kitten. I was worried about losing her. I didn’t want her to die but I didn’t want her to linger either. It was clear she was fighting so the decision to set my personal feelings aside and let her take the lead in treatment was a difficult one to make. I let her lead in that as long as she fought I would. I was still afraid though. I feared that she didn’t understand what was happening to her body and that she’d lose her mind. God, I feared that so much. Between the seizures and the full body tremors she suffered more than any animal ever should.

I was also worried that if she did live she would have permanent neurological damage because the toxins attacked her nervous system which is why she had constant violent tremors in all her limbs from head to toe simultaneously. Her jaw thrashed open and closed and her eyes were huge with fear and exhaustion. I just thought that if she did make it through she’d have some sort of neurological damage. Balance is everything to a cat. I didn’t want her to live life with the balance of a human.

All of this was going through my head while I held her and talked to her. I knew she was fighting so I was too but I had to decide what my next step would be if things turned for the worse. I know how to do CPR on a kitten because I was trained to do it. But I feared that I’d bring her back just to have her linger in pain and die anyway. The decision to not do CPR was based on her what was best for her. I figured that I would stop only when her body stopped. So I stayed up for the most of two days feeding her water. Close to the end of the second day I started feeding her lactose free Enfamil. She had such a quick turn around after the baby formula feeding. When I fed her water at first she fought because she didn’t know what it was but after getting a little bit on her scratchy tongue she didn’t fight anymore at all.

She did live, thank goodness. She lived and has quite the personality on her. The few months I’ve had her she’s won my heart like a thoroughbred race horse taking first place by a land slide. She touched me so quickly in such a short period of time, how will it be years from now when she’s driven into me that she’s in my life for a reason? A friend of mine, a good friend, lost her dog Petey recently. He meant a lot to that family. Though I never met him it felt like I knew him. When she told me of his passing and about picking up his toys I could see my friend grieving in an incredible way. I know it was so much worse than what I felt when holding Little Gray when she was sick. My heart dropped so far the day Petey passed to The Rainbow Bridge.

I hope that Gracie will make me smile for years to come like Petey did with his family. I miss Petey even though I never had the pleasure of scratching his ears or being attacked with doggie kisses or being assaulted with doggie farts. But I know that Petey did these things with his human family. At the end he didn’t want to go, he kept hanging on but my friend gave him permission to let go. His memory is alive and well. I’m sure if the wind blows just right she can catch Petey’s scent and know it as faithful and loving. Every once in awhile she may hear the thump, thump of his tail on the floor wagging in sync with the beating of her heart. Petey’s new home is in her heart and to me, that’s a safe, warm and cozy place for Petey to be. Petey, you are missed.

In honor of her long time faithful four legged family member and in honor of the strength of all living spirits we are proud to announce the new name of our kitty- Petey’s Grace.

Austin’s August

Kitten Name Change: A Moment Of Paws
Monday, January 23, 2006 4PM

Bad Kitty – No Cheese!

Published on January 24, 2006 in Art, Humor and Pets. 0 Comments

Bad Kitty

I started the day off isolating but then I took to the pc and did some art with a shot of the little one.

Stealing is a bad habit! I’m very protective of my cheese. I have to teach her early that there are some things a kitten should never do and eating other people’s cheese is one of them.

click photo to make it larger

blowfish at the pet store

Published on January 23, 2006 in For the Record and Pets. 0 Comments
We went to the pet shop with UK the other day, Saturday I think it was. We took some shots of the blowfish in their tank.
. .

you have to click on them to make them big.

I like the orange ones the best. the orange guy looks sad.

he’s probebly not but he looks sad to me. in the store he was swimming with his friend and blowing up their cheeks like they do. it was neat.