Monthly Archive for January, 2006

Page 3 of 9

Oh So Productive

Published on January 21, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD and Soapbox. 0 Comments

I’ve been hearing the birth name in our head repeatedly. Sometimes it almost feels like I’m trying to torture myself by using that name inside.

I actually got some things done today. I’m wiped out. I rearranged the living room and the bedroom. I did 2 loads of laundry, visited my neighbor and then ate dinner. I’m tired. I think I may be in my resting spot before 5 am tonight. The other night I’ve been laying with my hand over my mouth as I sleep. I felt compelled to cover it while I was trying to sleep. I knew it was odd but it felt like if I didn’t do it I’d feel worse than simply allowing myself to do it. Continue reading ‘Oh So Productive’

Our Special Duck

Published on January 21, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments

  • Our Special Duck
    21 January 2006
    8:31 PM

    There’s a special toy that Captain brings to me when I’m having difficulty staying grounded. He brings me a little yellow stuffed duck toy that I got him about 4 years ago. I’ve re-stuffed it several times because he guts the poor thing continually. When I’m in bed all curled up and I can’t get myself to calm down and get grounded Cap comes jumping up on the bed and drops the little duck on top of me. Sometimes when I don’t respond right away he picks it up and drops it on me again. I can’t help but smile because I know that he only plays with that little duck when he knows I’m not doing well.

    I don’t pay anything for his toys because he likes to gut them. I go to the second hand stores on half price day and buy a bunch of stuffed animals that I think he’d like. He likes the rattling baby toys especially and those that make a noise. I have to watch him while he’s playing with it so he doesn’t get the rattler out of the toy and swallow it. I’ve even taken a box of tic-tac’s and put them inside one of the gutted toys so that when he throws it around it rattles. I tape the box really well and then wrap the stuffing around it. The stuffed animals that he likes the best are those that are loosely stuffed and have a velvety texture to them. I have to do the Hannibal act and cut out the eyes and any harmful parts but after that I give it to him.

    Right now he has some homemade biscuits in the oven. And today at the pet store they had huge knuckle bones on sale for $2 so I brought one home for him. I think per month Cap costs me about $20.00, this includes food. Since I make my own bread (without the bread machine) I just go ahead and buy extra flour so I can make his biscuits.

    BASIC DOG BISCUITS

    Mix together

  • 3 1/2 cup unbleached flour,
  • 2 cup whole wheat flour,
  • 1 cup cornmeal
  • 1/2 cup skim milk powder
  • 1 tablespoon (or 1 package) dry yeast
  • 3 1/2 cups lukewarm chicken or meat broth
Dissolve the yeast in the lukewarm chicken or meat broth. A rich broth is recommended because it gives more flavor to the biscuit and also make them enjoyable to even the most finicky of tastes. Let yeast broth mixture set 10 min. Then stir in flour mixture. Roll resulting dough out 1/4″ thick. Now, cut the biscuits from the dough, you can use any shape that you want, but most of us doggies like the traditional bone shape. Brush biscuits with egg wash. Bake on greased cookie sheets at 300° for 45 min. Then turn off oven and leave in overnight to finish hardening. This will make about 60 medium sized biscuits.

People keep telling me Cap is spoiled but I still believe that it’s me that’s spoiled. I’ll never have a dog this good again. If I do find a dog nearly as skilled and as kind as Captain I’ll know for sure that God knows I exist. To be blessed twice with this kind of dog would be undeniable proof that God knows me and loves me.

Aussie

I wanted to believe that those miners were alive but my heart wouldnt let me. A thought crossed my mind, I wish I could send them our special duck during this time of mourning. I just want to double over and hold my head. I wanted them to be alive so badly. I guess everyone did really.

Therapy Assignment: Safety Plan

Published on January 20, 2006 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 1 Comment

Therapy Assignment: Safety Plan
Friday, January 20, 2006
3:09 PM

The Hazard Papers

Awhile ago I sent out an email to a friend telling her to expand her support system. I was telling her that spreading out support helped to keep people from burning out so fast. When it came time for me to pick a phone number that I could call 24 hours a day this very issue of an expanded support system came up. Since we will be going into the issues surrounding guilt and anger about my brother and sister’s abuse I think a safety plan is definitely necessary. I don’t have anyone I can call 24 hrs a day though.While I have a good support system the people in it are busy, busy, busy. My biggest non-medical support is Mic but I don’t want to call him and talk about these issues. I’d rather not talk to him about the abuse of my brothers and sisters or what happened to me. Strangely enough, I don’t want him looking at me like I’m a rape victim. I fear he won’t want me anymore. He has never said this but it is still a fear of mine. I figure it will be best for me to not use him as a support in this way. I can come up numbers to hotlines as well as some other coping skills to use while dealing with this issue. But as far as there being anyone I know personally, I don’t have anyone to call 24 hours a day.

  1. I was thinking that I could fall back on a skill I used to keep myself from cutting. I use to doodle all the time. I have gel pens and ink pens that I use during those times. I have books filled with doodles that were done while watching TV or talking on the phone. I’ve recently picked up that habit again. I find it helpful. Continue reading ‘Therapy Assignment: Safety Plan’

What is sleep?

Published on January 20, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments

i think the night of well I think it was Wednesday night, but it was the worst night of sleep I’ve had in ages. It seems like I woke up every 20 min or less. I’m dead tired but I’m still fighting it. someone inside keeps saying, if you are this tired then go to bed. I feel like I’ve done nothing today. I hate to go to sleep when I’ve done nothing at all.

Morton on: Mic, Pdick and Cappy What?

Published on January 19, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments
Lord have mercy! He gave me 5 min to get ready to go to the store. I couldn’t find my wallet so we ended up leaving without it and putting it on his bill. I hate doing that but ya know, everyone knows there is no woman on the face of the earth that can get ready for anything in 5 min. so, I was in tears when I went out to the car cause well, I don’t do anything right when I’m rushed. I know that wallet is sitting right in my face but I’ll be damned if I can find it. I was irritated beyond belief. Actually, irritation came later, I was furious because I felt stupid that I couldn’t find my wallet. Then someone inside said, well, if he wants to see the real us then this is the time. They were like; he needs to know he’s dating a psycho. Oh my goodness I wanted to throw stuff. I was so mad I didn’t know what to do. So, even though I really just wanted to stay home and throw things I sucked it up and got in the car with him. he was all apologetic. I should let him know that my response was not because of anything he did but because of what I thought he was going to do. I thought he was going to make fun of me for being absent minded. I need to tell him that right now before the night gets any further. He is on the way to his 3rd job. My goodness, he’ll have a heart attack before he’s 52.

The good thing is, if I can’t find my wallet tomorrow I’ll just go ahead and cancel the stuff in it. I don’t carry more than about $3 cash in it because I know very well I’ll lose the wallet. Cards are easy enough to cancel but cash is just gone if I lose the wallet. It has a chain on it so that I don’t lose it but I guess this time it didn’t work. This is the very first time I lost it. Today has been one of those days. I’m so pissed at my pdoc that I can’t stand it. I don’t know what the hell he was talking about today. He came out and handed me 2 scripts but not one for Clonapin. I asked him about it and he said he didn’t think I was taking it anymore. I told him yes I was. He then started to walk away while saying, well, we’ll see how you do without it. Oh hell no we won’t! I’ll be the one all fucked up not him. so then he said, well, we’ll raise one of the anti-depressants. Oh hell no we wont, I just got the Big O back I’m not about to let that go again. So hell no Mr. P-dick! So in addition to him hurting my dog and not even appearing to feel sorry about it he doesn’t give me a script for the Clonapin. I don’t know what the fuck is going on. But I said several times that he hit him with the door. I was trying to give the guy a chance to show some kind of feeling for smacking my dog with the door and making him limp for the rest of the fuckin day! He said nothing! That is bullshit. Ya know, you can mess with me but don’t fuck with my dog. Show some kind of feelings about smashing his foot with the door. He didn’t even knock when he came in the room. What doctor doesn’t knock before entering the room? He smacked Captain with the door and Captain barked really loud. Cap doesn’t like to go there anyway. He acts up every single time we’re there. With L he does just fine but with this guy it takes 2 or 3 times for him to obey a command. He likes L a lot and he likes the secretaries and the welcoming crew up front. But pdoc just seems to suck all the training out of him. Captain doesn’t even act like he knows his own name. He looks at me like, “who me?” — like 20 grand wasn’t spent to train his ass! For 20 grand the motherfucker needs to not just obey but do light housekeeping, answer the phone and throw together a 30 min meal. Hell, I don’t know what he’s thinking! I swear that boy! Sometimes he gets under my skin so badly. I have to realize that dogs have bad days too. but who can look into his big browns and be upset with him for too long? And who can touch his soft ears and their heart not melt? Hell, my cheeks hurt from smiling just thinking about his little playful self that doubles as a footrest in front of the lazy boy. Well, I suppose it’s time to feed the little bugger.

Morton

My World Is Not So Small

Published on January 19, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments

I was reading a journal called KMae Today and something she said was familiar to me. KMae said:

“I walked out to the beach by myself when I first got here tonight. The clouds are covering the fullish moon & it is dark & eerie out there for miles, yet beautifully mysterious. When I get away from my own limited life & gaze into a part of the world not well known to me, it is awesome to consider so many different lives elsewhere. Although I would rather be home, laying in bed next to my Doris, I am very grateful for the life I do have & to be here tonight.”

The world seemed much larger when I lived 19 floors above the city. It was hard to forget that I wasn’t alone out here and that my neighbors counted as much as I do. When there are buildings few and far between it can be easy to shut out the world and become cut off from everything around you. I’m still a country girl, I always will be but one thing I’ve come to appreciate about the city and its crowded atmosphere is its ability to remove me from myself. I can see how my behavior can and will effect others because I see others daily. I have contact with them and pass them by on the street. When I walk into a store I know that if I’m irritable and upset it can affect the cashier or anyone else. My behavior, if uncontrolled can and will affect others. I have to remember that I can’t take my bad day out on a complete stranger and expect them to know my issues and bend with them. What makes me think others have the strength to handle my bad days? In Tyler it was easy to be uncontrolled, loud and angry because the neighbors couldn’t hear me or see me. There was no one to frighten, there was no one to burden with my anger. In the city, if I walk outside and scream I’m going to alarm people. I believe that the larger the city the more you come to understand how what you do affects those around you.

In the city my behavior seems more in tuned to what is best for the environment. I no longer see recycling as an option but a necessity. In the boondocks throwing away reusable plastic didn’t feel like such a burden to the earth, after all, it was just one plastic container, just one glass jar of some woman in East Texas. What difference did it make? In the city I can see thousands of people a day and it is clear that one plastic bottle makes a difference if everyone is saying “it’s just one container.” In the city it becomes clear just how many animals are homeless and abused. In the boondocks it didn’t seem to make a difference if a cat or dog wasn’t altered. Just one litter didn’t seem to be a big thing but here, around all these dead animals on the road, homeless cats and dogs, abused cats and dogs, it makes great sense why one should spay, neuter and tag. Just One Litter dot com says concerning this issue states:

  1. In six years one female dog and her offspring can be the source of 67,000 puppies.
  2. In just seven years, one female cat and her young can produce 420,000 kittens.
  3. There is theoretically no limit to the number of offspring male dogs and cats can produce.
  4. Every day in the United States, tens of thousands of puppies and kittens are born. Compare this to the 11,000 human births each day, and you can see that there can never be enough homes for all these pets.

A moment of silence before a meal to remember those animals who dont have a good home.

While I’ll always be a country girl, there are things in the city that I’ve learned that I could not have learned in a rural area. I miss the cows. I miss looking out and seeing that vibrant green grass against the clay ground. I miss the silence and the mountain that I looked out on every morning. I miss it something terrible. I don’t even know what mountain it was. I never even asked. For someone with no concept of time and space it makes since that they wouldn’t ask such a question. I can’t tell you what is North, South, East or West anywhere I go. The seasons start when they start and end when they end. I have no concept of any of it. I have no concept of time, space or distance. Heck, I didn’t even know Tyler was East Texas until after I moved to the Midwest and people asked me where I was from. I may not be able to point to it on a map but I can see very clearly those soft buttercup lacy curtains that opened up to view a mountain in the far distance. I can point towards that in the back of my mind as the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Well, perhaps it’s not the most beautiful place on earth but since I retreat there in the back of my mind, it is then the safest place on earth.

Austin’s August

My kitten

Published on January 19, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments

The kitten lets me hold her like a teddy bear. She gets real close up and puts her head on my shoulder. she’s really warm.