Forgiveness

Many people say that forgiveness means to move on and to let go of the anger and that it doesn’t mean that the person is no longer responsible for what they’ve done. They say that forgiving an abuser is more for the abused than the abuser. Evidently letting go of the anger is a major part of this forgiveness that people talk about. I’ve been told that I harbor anger and that until I let go of it I won’t totally heal. I know there are different definitions of forgiveness. When I was in Grand Rapids, Michigan one of the psychologists explained her version of forgiveness. She said that forgiveness means giving up the right to revenge. I can live with this definition. It’s concrete with no ambiguity. It’s simple, unassuming and clear cut, just like I need it to be. I can live with that definition but the forgiveness that I get shoved down my throat from others is based on what they can live with, not what I can live with. Many people tell me that I need to forgive my mother based on their rather blurred description of what forgiveness is.

This is still a complex issue for me even with a clear cut definition. I mean, I won’t be killing her but it still feels like it’s not enough for some people. My view of forgiveness when it comes to my mother is that I’d have to say that I wouldn’t hold the abuse against her anymore. Based on that, forgiving my mother would mean to me that the air between us would be clear and we could start over. It would mean that no justice should be sought for what she’s done and that she got away with it. While I don’t feel that prison is the place for her right now, I do feel that she should have to remember daily that she ruined the life of her children. The problem is, she doesn’t accept responsibility for what she’s done so she isn’t feeling any pain like I feel. She’s not up at night or tossing and turning in bed. She’s not fretting when she sees the colour yellow or when she sees a green Ford roll by. She’s not even close to feeling the pain I feel and not even considering owning up to what she’s done. She’s not suffering like I suffer so would it really make a difference if it the abuse was kept before her daily?

This is all swirling and there is so much going through my head right now. One thing is for certain, I feel like I’d be giving up the right to be angry and the right to say that what she did was horrible and damaging. It feels like I would need to stop working through this shit and that I’d never get any better because all has been forgiven and I should just move on from here. Like maybe the slate is wiped clean and now no one talks about how Austin is supposed to heal from what was forgiven. Forgiveness in this sense seems like it would trap me in this very spot, like if I forgave her then I should never bring up the abuse again. Like maybe it all gets shoved under the rug and we don’t look at it anymore because I forgave her. I’d just be out here trying to make it on my own with no real right to talk about these things because if I did it would mean I removed the gift of forgiveness and that would make me out to be the bad girl. If something is forgiven then it’s gone, you can’t see it. If you can’t see it you can address it. If you can’t address it then nothing gets fixed and I end up muffled when what I really want to do is stand up and scream THIS WOMAN HURT ME GODDAMNIT. SHE HURT ME.

I spent many years building walls to keep that woman out of my heart. I spent many years fighting her emotionally and mentally. It’s who I am, it’s the only me I truly know. Outside of being a survivor I’m not sure who I am. Outside of my experiences with her I may not exist. Does this mean I want to hurt at this level? Hell no, it means that once I figure out how to not feel so defeated I’ll be free to find a new identity. I’m willing to do that. I’m willing to find a way to not hurt at this level while not offering any compassion to her. What I’m not willing to do is say the way to do it is to exercise some vague idea of forgiveness. I’m not willing to say I forgive this woman so that others can feel comfortable or validated. When it comes down to it, it’s me I go to bed with at night. It’s me that I see in the mirror and me I have to be able to respect. To say that I forgive her based on an abstract idea is to lose something I fought so hard for. I lose me. She was wrong and few dispute that. She was terribly wrong so how on earth does your general idea forgiveness jive with that?

I think one of the biggest problems I have with the idea of forgiveness is that it’s an abstract idea. There isn’t any clear cut way to do it. But based on the definition from the woman in Michigan I can at least gather that and make a conclusion. Forgiveness means giving up the right to revenge. That’s simple. I can do that. I won’t kill her. The only thing to do from there is move on to the next step. But this other idea is much more complex and doesn’t really offer any guidance through the maze. So, based on what I can grasp and I feel I’m capable of I can offer my mother forgiveness in the form of giving up the right to revenge. If you ask me to offer anything else in the form of forgiveness be prepared to give a sound, concrete way to do it. If you only have abstract ideas of forgiveness then don’t waste your breath or your time, just keep on walking. The last thing I need is a bunch of puzzle pieces with no idea what the end result is supposed to be. Don’t give me anything abstract.

How Forgivness Is Explained As An Abstract Idea

Forgiving myself Part One of Three

Forgiving myself Part Two of Three

Forgiving myself Part Three of Three – Forgiveness Opens and Closes Doors

Forgiveness
20 February 2006
4:00 PM