The People Behind My Eyes

Friday
24 February 2006
12:28 AM
Okay ThenWell, I visited with UK for a bit, had fettuccini Alfredo, watched Survivor Exile Island and messed around on the pc. I have done nothing much but that. it seems like the entire day has been long and boring.

I have this out of control feeling once again. I hate it.
Today when I was cooking dinner it felt like I was about to lose my mind. I kept seeing dirt everywhere. I use to spend about $200 a month replacing things I threw away because of this whole germ phobia. When friends came over it was rude to not ask them if they wanted something to drink. I gave it to them but when they left I tossed the glass. I tossed plates they ate off of and just about anything that they touched that could be eaten off of. I tossed towels that they wiped their hands on and things like that. if I left a glass in the sink longer than an hour it didn’t get washed, it got tossed. I started buying plastic wear to give to them to eat off of, plastic everything. That’s expensive stuff to tell you the truth..plastic isn’t cheap. I had things wrapped in plastic baggies. I took the cans down from the cabnet to dust them off. I wiped everything down nightly. I sprayed Lysol nightly. I swept the carpet in the morning and in the evening. God forbid anyone should ask to use my restroom. I handed a visitor a Big Gulp cup one day. He looked at me like I was crazy when I wouldn’t even let him in the restroom to use the Big Gulp. I didn’t have the money to go buy another toilet seat, which was what I did the last time I didn’t tell a visitor that they had to use a Big Gulp cup. Toilet seats are not cheap either, especially when you buy them weekly. This disorder is no joke. I have to make sure that I don’t lose myself like that again.

My mother has OCD as well. When my sister was little and before I was born she use to sit in the middle of the bed too afraid to get off the bed because of all the germs in the room. When things like this attack your head it feels like your mind will break. It feels like if you give in then the pain will be worse than if you fight it. I’ve stayed up for hours rearranging the herb cabinet. The labels had to face the same way at the same angle. It was not pleasant. To see every speck of dirt, every area that could possibly have germs on it…it’s enough to make a girl lose her mind.

The doc gave me Luvox years ago. It helped a heck of a lot. Today when I about tossed a very nice glass because of possible germs I thought that maybe it might be good to regroup and remember how bad it was. I cant give in because living that way was horrible. My house was museum clean; it was so spotless that it made people uncomfortable. A doc asked me one time if my floors were clean enough to eat off of. I said, yes, if you don’t slip on the fresh wax first I suppose you could eat off of it. A patient chimed in and said, yeah, and she has wall to wall carpet. I was like, thanks! Why didn’t I ever think to wax the carpet? She’s what kinda OCD’er did I think I was??

I realize that I start having symptoms like this when I feel that I have control over little else. It’s kind of a red flag symptom for me, something that tells me that there are some underlying issues that I need to look into.

The last few days have been pretty bad for OCD. I’ve also felt quite impulsive. Since I didnt want to post stuff I'd be sorry about I decided to hang on to posts a bit before putting them up here. No since in repeating what I did to that poor blogger so I've also not been commenting much in other journals.

Lastly, I had some bad news about my health the other day which means that a dream of mine is out the window. I wont ever be a farm hand again, not with my knees shot the way they are. That saddens me beyond belief.

Destiny