The People Behind My Eyes

Well, a friend of mine will be throwing her daughters baby shower. Having done catering, this would be a breeze for me. it would be an unemotional event, all business with no connection to the guests. I wont be a victim of 3am feedings or get stuck babysitting because the mom to be needs a break….or a drink cause for 9 months she couldn’t have a beer. I won’t be a new grandmother who has to come to grips with the fact that she can’t really call her daughter a baby girl anymore, not when said baby girl will be squeezing out a 10 pounder in a few months. See, I could do this baby shower without emotion but my friend can’t. I’ve decided to show her how to never be asked to throw another baby shower and to insure that she gets no more grandchildren. Also, her daughter’s friends will never return to her home again if she follows these instructions carefully. If she doesn’t follow these instructions she may get “stuck” throwing another baby shower. I’d have to come to the rescue and re-write these instructions. I hate to repeat myself so listen up!!

(for the sake of fun I’ve tossed in some rather questionable conduct not found in my friends daughter.)

What to wear: You have to wear those huge pink over stuffed slippers with curlers in your hair and that house coat you borrowed from the old lady down the street who died before you could give it back. Please remember to put that cucumber face scrub on twenty minutes before the shower begins or you won’t get the perfect green look.

What to serve and what games to play:

Forget the veggie plates, cocktail wieners and chips. Serve baby foods like squash and strained pees by Gerber’s First Steps.

Feed these “refreshments” on baby spoons while saying “zoom” and “yummy for your tummy.”

Just when things start to appear normal, burp random guests.

Play interesting games like:

Guess this venereal disease and

Guess who the father really is

Guess how many condoms are in this jar

Stop right in the middle of the shower and lay everyone down for a nap.

Pass gas and blame it on the pregnant mom the way she’ll do to her newborn later down the line.

Have a slide show of embarrassing moments in the life of the mom-to-be followed by a slide show of receipts for money wasted on the mom-to-be because she dropped out of college to become a starving artist.

Put an “out of order” sign on the restroom and pass out diapers. Do not supply diaper rash ointment. This will only ruin your fun.

Pass out the condoms in the “count ‘em” jar and warn against unprotected sex. The result of pregnancy is a baby shower thrown by you.

Good Luck dear friend. If nothing else works, break out the bottles not filled with formula. You won’t remember the shower at all. Let’s hope you remember the man you wake up next to. Call me to plan your next shower.

Your single, childless and emotionally deranged baby shower planner,

Aussie

How To Ruin A Perfectly Good Baby Shower-Monday, February 27, 2006-10:51 PM