When I start cleaning things I know there are issues inside that need to be dealt with. When I see dirt everywhere, when I would do the same load of laundry 3 times if it didn’t look strange to Barney, when I run disk defrag twice or change the bed sheets twice on Monday’s then I know I’ve got some issues to deal with. When I start that damn cleaning every inch of the house then it means inside is chaotic and in my mind that’s “unclean” it’s cluttered, it’s out of control. I know very well that when I start cleaning shit left and right that its really me I want to clean. I can’t scrub enough to get that feeling out of my head.
I was talking to someone, I can’t remember who, and I was telling her about rearranging the herb cabinet. I have 35 fresh herbs and spices so this was no small task. If you add in the store bought shit then the task is even larger. I was there for over 3 hours. The labels had to be just right. They all had to be in the same direction. I had herbs together, spices together, barriers and then whole spices together. Then I alphabetized them according to those specifications. Lord that was one very long night. But it felt like if I walked away my mind would crack more than if I stood there and re-arranged them for another friggin hour.
When I was cooking dinner today I could see every single speck of dirt in that kitchen. At one point I wanted to run out of there back to my relatively clean area. For the love of Pete, don’t let it rain. Rain means mud and that my mind can’t handle. This is getting crazy I tell ya, just crazy. I was watching King of Queens. They had a show about bed bugs. I had to turn that shit off. It wasn’t funny to me. Hell, I have enough trouble laying down in that bed without worrying about friggin germs. So, I turned it off.
I was so happy Barney wasn’t here to see me the other day when I about threw away a glass because of a perceived stain. God that was horrible. I knew I was doing it so I tried to just walk away from it.
Right now I’m feeling rather useless and like a failure. I feel a bit lonely too I think. If I could give in and lay down I might save myself a bit of trouble. Giving in hasn’t been something I’ve ever been able to do. I have to fight until there isn’t anything left. When I get to that point and lay down there is nothing but shame. I call it the Broken Boxer Syndrome. You fight as long as you can but for the sake of living you throw in the towel. There’s a bit of humiliation involved but you get to live in the end. Sometimes it feels like if I don’t lay down I’ll lose my friggin head. If I’ve been up for a few days in a row, fighting sleep, trying to contain my thoughts then that 4th night I end up throwing in the towel. I can’t take another minute of being awake so I just go lay down. But it feels like I have nothing left to fight with when I give in like that. I know what I’m going to dream. Hell I dreamed it again last night. so why on earth would I not fight it like this?
I was thinking too about the containers issue that I spoke of the other day. Not only do I keep containers but most of them are glass. I can see through them. I obviously have control issues. My dishes are mostly glass. I need to be able to see through them. I need nothing to be hidden on them, no areas where I can’t see through them. I have some plates that aren’t glass but most of them are glass and they’re the same exact plate from the same exact store. Again, control issues.
I have to throw in the towel. I have to either throw it in or break my teeth as I grit them and type this damn entry. God help me ‘cause obviously I can’t help myself.
Ariel
Obsessive Cleaning
Tuesday, February 28, 2006-3:46 AM
I , too , am a cleaner. I find that if I am trying to not think about something I need to do , I clean for a diversion. It is just recently that I believe it is a sickness. I am finding it is getting in the way of my life.
I have never been a “cleaner.” My Mom would obsessively clean when I was a child and I had always laughed that I didn’t inherit that “gene.” It is only now that I understand her need to feel in control and her way of avoiding issues she didn’t know how to address. It is crazy to me this compulsive urge to clean. I detailed my toilet for Christ’s sake! This is a new thing for me so I don’t know if it will become a serious problem for me or if it is just my way of dealing with some less than perfect scenarios in my life. I guess we will see what happens after my entire house is spotless.
I believe that my wife is avoiding issues by cleaning and when I bring it up,,she get’s absolutely irate. It is very compulsive, and it is definitely something that is holding us back,,,does anyone have any suggestions on how to bring up a possible solution to her? We have no kids, one dog, and myself (she considers the dog and I to be 2 kids
).. If any of our nieces or nephews come over, she is instantly in a poor mood, and will immediately start cleaning the little hand prints, vaccuum wherever they’ve been, and basically her day is over. I wish there was a way to convince her that it is OK to talk to someone about this.,,,any suggestions? please somebody help!!
I HAVE THE SAME COMPULSIONS AS MANY OF YOU ALTHOUGH NOT TO THE EXTENT BUT GETTING THERE.
MY MOM WAS A COMPULSIVE CLEANER. I BELIEVE IT WAS SOMETHING I INHERITED FROM HER. WHAT IS THE HELP FOR THIS. I’M ALREADY ON CELEXA FOR OVER 15 YEARS FOR DEPRESSION AND SUPPOSIVELY NOT ENOUGH SEROTONIN IN THE BRAIN. CHRISTINE
I too use cleaning as a way to make myself feel better. Every Saturday I will “detail” my bathrooms and I clean in a very ritualistic, compulsive pattern. If I am unable to complete the process I become very annoyed and feel bad about myself. My family was very messy and I always hated the condition of our house. I recently had to clean up the mess left from thirty some years of my family living in one house and I almost went nuts because without a cleaning service, a carpenter and a painter I couldn’t clean it to my liking. I spent two hours just cleaning one bathroom. I am going thru crippling grief over the deaths of my parents and I can’t take much more. I am on Effexor for depression and anxiety. Help/
i too clean compulsively. if i dont i feel very irrate and sad. people dont understand me. if i see a crumb on the floor i have to pick it up.
i clean one room, my way. i cant let others clean becos, they wont do it like me, i overdo their cleaning.
i have bipolar, and think i have ocd as well.