It’s a good thing that I was kinda iffy about going to therapy today because the therapist canceled. Evidently there was some sort of emergency that she needed to attend to. This is only the second time she’s cancelled, that I remember anyway. I think she had strep throat last time. I guess my issue is this; if there is a time when I really need her will she have to cancel then too? The time she had strep throat and had to cancel we were supposed to call about my food stamps. I was so stressed about it because the caseworker was giving me heck and raising then lower them repeatedly. I just moved here and my rent more than doubled but my income stayed the same. I was all stressed out about the caseworker and we were to call her together during my appointment. When she canceled I was so upset. The secretary said she really was sick and that she hadn’t just broken a nail and called in to say she couldn’t see patients. I was a put at ease then. But the disappointment and the anger didn’t really dissipate until much later. I felt like she didn’t come through for me on something very important. I can’t say that I'm totally settled with that canceled appointment because of what we were supposed to do. I felt like she let me down.
This week end was a rough one. It’s been ages since I’ve needed to take Clonapin on a regular basis. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been so closed up inside that any attempt at consolation causes me to lash out. I wanted to throw the kitten. When I block beings out like that and don’t want them in at all it means I’ve got some serious issues and I need to go to therapy. I didn’t want to go last night. I didn’t want to touch what I'm feeling about my brother but when it makes me want to throw the kitten then it needs to be addressed. Cap knows now that there are times when it’s best to not stay underneath me. I don’t feel like I'm a threat to either one of them, not when I know how it feels to be on the other end of fist.
I was supposed to tell her that I didn’t want to have a cupcake party but I got left before I could exit on my own. How do I feel disappointment when I'm the one who wanted to tell her I didn’t want the cupcake party? I like to leave first. I wanted to be the one to tell her how I feel about it but that didn’t happen. I got left first. Abandonment issues are complex.
I don’t see her again until next week. That pissed me off too. I think that what upsets me the most is how disruptive it is to my routine. I'm knocked below my comfort level. If I'd known Friday that I wasn’t having therapy on Tuesday, if I'd known Monday that I wasn’t having therapy today I could have had more time to get my balance. I got up today expecting to go to therapy. I had a message on my answering machine saying that she wouldn’t be able to make it.
I don’t do transitions very well. I don’t do make the transition from day to night without anxiety. I don’t make the transition from being awake to laying down to sleep without anxiety. Heck, I'm not a spontaneous kind of girl at all. I'm routine, lists, planning and executing from step A to step B. when someone changes step B without warning I fell like I'm just spinning.
Although this is not like living with my mother, the feeling of sudden change feels similar. With the mother I had plan A and plan B. If this or that changed then I had plan B to fall back on. Usually those plans dealt with weather or not I would be abused. With the therapist this isn’t the case so I'm kinda like, okay what do I do now? There are no punches to follow the change of plans. There are no insults, no reminders of how much of a bad child I was. So I'm kinda sitting here trying to figure out what to do next. I had some goals planned for the day. I need to get to those. I needed to kinda process this out a bit though so that I could go about my day without all this spinning in my head. Is this where the better out than in theory comes in?
Mrs.R* called. I almost told her I loved her. I didn’t. I consider her my family of choice. If there was anyone that I'd ever see as a mother figure it would be her. What I like about her is that I can talk to her about women’s issues and get answers. That’s a good feeling. I like to be able to say, hey, I'm experiencing this and to have her tell me what her experience has been. I like that. I would love to be able to have that kind of relationship with my sister but as the proverb goes, there is a time for victory and a time to give up as lost. All that I'd have to go through to get the big sister I want may not be worth the big sister I get. I'm not willing to go through all that struggle and bring up all that pain again. It is too bad that she never got to be my best friend. It’s too bad that she never knew how much I valued her and how much I wanted her to like me. What is even more of a tragedy is that she will never know. My mother is at the wheel of that tragedy. It’s the ‘ol divide and conquer thing. She kept us at odds. She made the lines between me and her really clear with words like, “good child” and “bad child” or “stupid” and “smart”.
I need to stop cause I just saw myself (in my head) take a blade and cut the fuck out of my arm. I think it has to do with how hard I worked to make my big sister like me. The mother had much more influence over her than I did. I understand that NOW. I wont be cutting. It was an anger response, a red flag, an issue for my next therapy appointment.
Goals for today:
Austin's August
cc: therapist
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