Monthly Archive for February, 2006

Page 3 of 9

Hide & Seek

Published on February 20, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments
I just watched the movie Hide & Seek, OMG that is a good movie. A friend of mine told me what the movie was about so I felt comfortable watching it. There were parts that bored me and I wanted to fast forward but man, oh man! I see why people say Dakota Fanning is a good actress. All I can say is OMG!!

There were times when I though, oh, that’s not right. This is wrong in so many ways but I kept watching. I started to get up and turn on the light but I was rather glued to my chair. At one point I jumped so high that it scared Captain. It was funny. I can’t wait to tell UK I borrowed her sister’s movie two days ago and I just now got around to watching it. She said it was good. This is my type of movie; I don’t like the supernatural, spirit-type movies but this type of movie I can enjoy. I’ll never watch The Exorcist or heck I won’t watch The Blair Witch Project or Chucky but this one was pretty good. I’m a Robert De Niro fan too. I love that guy. He was good in “Godsend” as well.

When I watch movies or read books I flash back to the days when I took English in high school. We learned about foreshadow and things like that. I kinda kicked into that mode with this movie too. When I saw the cat yawn in his cage I knew he’d have a certain roll in the movie. I didn’t expect him to get killed but I knew he had a roll in the movie. I think the neighbors were just characters to throw the viewer off base so it would be a surprise who the real killer was. All the town’s people were weirdos I mean to tell ya. They creeped me out more than De Niro did. I’ll definetly be watching this one again when I reactivate my Netflix account next month.

Oh yeah

Published on February 17, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments

heck yeah, Barney is gone until Monday. This means I can move about the house freely, no worries about dressing appropriately because he's home. He said not to have any wild parties while he was gone. I told him that the last time he was out of town he had no idea that I'd thrown 2 parties and that he'd have no clue when he returns this time. I also told him that I'd be renting out his bed to drifters but that I'd have it washed and made before he returns and that all the pepperment (my favorite candy) will be gone when he gets home too. He said, okay, as long as it's all clean when I get back. He's going star gazing with his daughter. I didnt even know he had a telescope. I've never been up to his part of the house so I didnt notice that he had a huge telescope in his upper study. I learn more about this guy every day.

i found out that the reason he cleaned the other day was because he had a date. it was too sweet. he had a large heart shaped box of chocolates on v-day. I left a note on top of it telling him that the chocolate guide was no good because I moved all the candies around. Of course I didnt but it was funny.

i watched half of my favorite movie today. I like the movie The Village. I like the way they word things.
i talked to Mrs.R* and told her that I love her. She told me she loves me too. we talked about a few things and then her phone needed to be recharged. we hung up from there.

last night the winds got up to 70 miles per hour. I expected to wake to see the privacy fence face down but it wasnt. its going to have to be replaced though because its damaged now. the part by my window will need to be replaced. man did it howl last night. it rained pretty hard too. I like to listen to it when I sleep. It's soothing.

I'm in one of those isolating moods today, low key, mild and not up for much company. Maybe I'm not so much isolating as I am one that prefers to the quiet of being alone. I'm supposed to go visit UK later today. I hope Joan comes back out because I'm not that much in a social mood right now. I started the lavender plants yesterday evening. It said to start them inside 6 to 10 weeks before spring. they look really good in the Starbucks bottles. I had fun filling them. UK and I are supposed to fill more today but if Joan doesnt find her way out it wont happen. She doesnt know my dx. I dont want to show up and not be the person she knows and expects to see. I did see her once and she noticed the lack of zip and skip that Joan is known for. she said I was quiet and withdrawn.

Maureen

symptoms

Published on February 17, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder and Mental Health. 1 Comment

i slept most of Thursday. I was so tired for some reason. I've had a lot of unexplained fatigue lately. I'll see about it on Tuesday when I see my regular doctor. I wonder if my emotional state is effecting my physical state. I've started having headaches again too. the anxiety is through the roof. I'm still taking clonapin daily were as I only needed it maybe once a week before. my appetite is low. the palms of my hands itch. It feels like a frikin attack sometimes, they just start itching like crazy. the right hand feels so cold sometimes. the fingers feel really cold. i think it can all be explained away as symptoms from emotional stress save the itchy palms. I dont know what that's about. Anyway though, I'm going in to see Dr. P on Tuesday. That'll be a long day too. I see him in the morning then come home only to return at 4pm to see the therapist. I dont know if I'm seeing Mic or not. The am doc is at 9. I wont be hanging out at the medical center until my therapy appointment. that's crazy.

i've got to lay back down.

i use the word lay even though i know the proper word is lie. I dont like the word lie.

I Can Relate When I Feel Validated

Published on February 17, 2006 in For the Record and Therapy. 1 Comment

When I hold Gracie on my chest I sometimes bounce her up and down. I've asked myself why it feels sometimes that I favor her over Captain. I realized today that it's because when she lays to sleep I'm watching over this defenseless life. I'm protecting her so she can relax and sleep well safely. she doesn't need to have a care in the world as she sleeps on my chest. Captain doesn't seem defensless so when I'm feeling a bit down or a bit unstable I find comfort in being the protector of someone more at risk for harm than myself.

 

this brings me to something i said just the other day.
I was wondering why it is that people watch shows like Three And A Half Men for entertainment. I wondered the same thing about CSI, Without A Trace, Law & Order and other shows that deal with death or victimization. I realized yesterday that I watch them because I can relate to them. I can relate to the hurt children on SVU, I can relate to the pain felt by those looking for their loved one and I can relate to the passion shown by Grissom on CSI. I watch them because I can see a little part of me. I watch them because they validate me. They don’t entertain me, they validate me. I don’t know if the producers feel the same way or if it’s all just a money game for them. What I do know is I tune into these shows for self expression. Sometimes what I feel is so locked up that it takes seeing someone else’s struggle to pull out things I need to work on.I often feel isolated and insignificant. I isolate myself emotionally by refusing to get close to people. When I turn on the TV I guess I see some of the characters doing the same things I do. It makes me feel like I might be half way normal or equally as crazy as the rest of the world. Because so much is bottled up I need to borrow their emotions so that mine can be triggered. Now, I'm not say that I turn on the TV for therapeutic reasons or that I sit and think, hum, what show can I watch to trigger emotions? But when a show comes on and a red flag goes up I sometimes ignore the flag and watch the show anyway. I watch to almost give myself permission to feel, permission to not stuff.

There are still shows out there that I just don’t get. I don’t see the purpose of them, like say the show House. I hardly ever watch it. The man makes me angry. He’s callous, reckless and a bad example for those seeking to excel in the medical field. I don’t get that show; it’s a simple as that. What I do understand and can relate to is his fear of intimacy. But that one connection isn’t enough to make me put up with his other behaviors. I see he has talent but no personal life. His character has a good head on his shoulders but he’s held back by odd and reckless behaviors. His mind is good, his body is bad. His mind is strong, his flaws and failings are stronger. Is this why people flock to the show? To see a man teetering on the edge of being broken but somehow manages to keep his feet on the ground? Is that the connection that draws people to that show?

I don’t get red flags from House. I’ve only seen the show a hand full of times. I watched the show with one of the other characters in it. He was the man that killed himself in the movie Dead Poet’s Society. I got plenty of red flags while watching that. When that red flag goes up and says that I'm going to be triggered but I watch anyway I know I'm looking to release a lot of emotion. I write a lot. I draw, paint and exercise but I manage to hold back more than I express. I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid that if I really open up I'm going to crumble. I make little cracks in these walls when I disregard red flags to watch SVU or Criminal Minds. Maybe these little cracks will let out emotion slowly so that when it comes time to really knock down these walls there won’t be an uncontrollable flood.

Joan of Arc

Wednesday in a few words

Published on February 15, 2006 in For the Record. 0 Comments
Wednesday in a few words

Wednesday, February 15, 2006
2:00 PM

A friend says that she didn’t pity me until she found out that I’m lactose intolerant. It’s a good thing I didn’t mention that I’m not crazy about chocolate. I did something totally out of character last night. I walked to the Quickie Mart at 1AM to buy chocolate covered peanuts. After Barney gave me one of his V-Day chocolates I wanted some so instead of smacking him with my coffee mug and running off with the box I went and got my own. This means I still don’t have a criminal record. I came so close though. Sheshh, close call.

Aussie

113999286704910496

Published on February 15, 2006 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health and Therapy. 0 Comments

there's a lot of shit rolling around in my head right now. the therapist and i were going to touch on why I feel so guilty and why its so hard to talk about the abuse of my brother and sister.

Write A Book

Published on February 15, 2006 in Mental Health and Therapy. 1 Comment

Write A Book

The song In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel is playing right now. This song makes me sad, I think because it was popular when I was in high school. I never turn it off when it comes on though. I’ve been listening to the radio lately. I don’t watch much TV or listen to the radio much. I listen to CD’s from time to time but mostly the house is quiet. Most people can’t stand this kind of quiet but for me it’s a need.

This is another one of those nights when I'm fighting sleep.

A friend of mine says that I should write a book. Know why I don’t? Because I fear that I may be totally wrong about the abuse. I fear that there will be a huge backlash from my family and I’ll be exposed as a liar and I’ll be shamed and shoved back in the dark. WOW, the strong girl reveals the amount of doubt that exists in her head. Of course ya know, I was raised to believe I'm a liar.

I see that woman’s face as I write this. I see the blank expression on it that comes just before the look of disappointment and the sigh just before she spits my name to accent that disappointment.

(Virgin Millionaires, Bombs Away)
I like rock and punk. I like the guitars. When I hear the song by Godsmack that was in that move with The Rock I can see him bend over and scream the lyrics. There is so much emotion in that. It seems like it would be such a release to be able to scream like that. To be able to scream that way would mean I'm comfortable with moving my body freely and letting my voice be heard without inhibitions. It is so easy to write on the internet. I know people read this but the truth is, the screen is white with little black letters. It’s silent screaming really.

(Kanye West, Gold Digger)
We seem to like the rap songs too. It seems so angry most of the time. It brings out the rebel in us, the youth, the wild side. I have to compliment Kanye West for speaking up during the Hurricane Telethon. While I can’t say I agreed with everything he said, I have to say that he took advantage of a perfect opportunity to be heard. Millions of people in I think it was 30 countries watched him at that moment. He said what he felt he needed to say. Weather people wanted to hear it or not they did. Even if you didn’t agree with what he said, you gotta admit he knows how to make the most of an opportunity.

(Rob Thomas, Ever The Same)lk
This man makes me hurt. This means it’s time to turn the radio off. I have all the Matchbox Twenty CD’s. I like his voice, it’s full and strong. I like his lyrics too. But at this moment it would be stupid to listen to them. If I intend to go to bed anytime soon then it’s best to turn the radio off.

Robert, 19